dizzle at 10 months.

oh little roman......you're not so little anymore.....

in fact, you're growing rather quickly!!!

we love you sooooo much,

and we especially love................
your cheesy little smile.

your attention to detail.

your erupting little giggle.

your interest in new things.

your love for your momma.

your love for the outdoors.

your eagerness to be independent.

your desire to take off and crawl anywhere.

your blabbering little syllables, of "dadaa" "bubu" and now, finally, "mumma"

your need for momma's presence.

your love to be spun around.

your love to be up so high.

your love of smooches.

your eagerness to walk with help.

your love to get your hands into things.

your love to do things on your own.

your love of refusing to eat (which momma, doesn't love) but here, ah HAH! caught you snarfin up a goldfish.

your love of being nakey. (get this shirt off momma!)

your love to be held.

(and momma's love to hold you)

(and also, momma's love to see your hair grow out and be shaggy.....but.....right now it's just a mess. a hott hott mess....)

your love for your daddy.

your love to be together, us three. it's when you're truly happiest.

and so are we.

little roman joe. our rome dizzle dizzle doo,

we do love you so much.

this month, the tenth one, has brought out such a new personality in you.

it's funny, yes indeed.

it's playful, yep yep.

and it's stubborn, yes that too.

i know, already, you will stretch my patience as much as they can be stretched.

i know, already, we will have power struggles.

but i'm preparing.

preparing with great prayers that i raise you with grace. calm, patient grace.

i hope to channel your strong personality into the best direction possible.

i'm so thankful for your daddy.

be provides the perfect part to our little trio of love.

he's calm, and patient, and doesn't get worked up over things like youNOTeating.

so yay for your daddy.

and yay for you.

in just a couple months you'll be one, what?

inhale, exhale. time goes quickly.

surrender.

for the last 4-5 weeks, things have been a bit chaotic for us.

with trips to canada for mr leif, trips to vegas for myself, trips home to nebraska for the three of us,

and in the midst of these trips......

was child care fail after child care fail.

lately, i've been so consumed with trying to organize my life.

to give it order.

but no matter how many lists i make,

no matter how many goals i set,

no matter how many times i organize my week by day to day,

no matter how many childcare interviews i conduct

one thing remains constant.

the feeling of "out-of-order"

i didn't understand, and asked all to often........"why do i feel so chaotic right now?"

i've made lists? planned meals? organized chores? met goals?

it's like i'm running and running, but when i look down,

i realize i haven't taken any steps forward, but rather just running in place.

it's hard for me to surrender my plan-making, detail orchestrating tendencies,

but in the last month,

i've been tugged and twisted.

we've been challenged and shocked.

i've cried

i've worried

i've almost given up.

and, i was this close to quitting my job.

one question i seem to come back to all to often is about prayer.

when i pray for God's will to be done,

when i pray to see his will and to follow it,

i don't always feel like i know what his will is.

i have been searching for signs, for feelings.....something to tell me that oh, this is what God wants us to do........ ok, now we are getting it right.

but those signs and feelings weren't there, or i wasn't seeing them....

rather, life plays out, and i see Him unravel his plan, in his own time, in his own way.

most of the time it's quite the opposite of what i had in mind.

and what's most difficult?

for me to understand, accept, and live out where He has me.

in the moment.

live it out.

this might all sound so gibberish. however, it's been a bit of a crazy month.

as usual, i was struggling with finding child care for our little roman.

you see, it's hard to find the perfect fit to care for your child, when truly the perfect fit is you.

and it's hard to trust a complete stranger with your baby, when truly the only one you trust is you. 

you see, it's hard to settle, when you feel a constant tug of guilt with settling.

so, we trudged on. staying home full time is not in the cards for us in this season of life, and i'm trying, each new day, to find the strength, each new day, for contentment in season.

i spent most of june searching for where i would take roman.

with each let down in the child care search, i felt a layer of my "momheart" be torn.

with each let down in the child care search, i felt a new tug of "momguilt"

with each let down in the child care search, i thought, surely this is God saying He has other plans for me. plans that have me staying home, being a mom, full time.

with each let down in the child care search, i wondered if it was my sign? my sign that i was not doing the right thing?

but each time, we'd rethink our situation, we'd put it all on paper. and we just couldn't see it working.

so, with each let down in the child care search failed, we'd simply go back to the search.

this week, we'll be trying yet another childcare situation.

monday morning, when i will once again, entrust the life of my son into someone else's hands.

monday morning, when we will pack up his bag, pack his breakfast and lunch, and load him up.

monday morning, when i will drive away from their house with a sick stomach.

monday morning, when i will leave my baby, again, in the arms of another mother.

i'm still not sure this is what i've been called to do. as i personally have the desire to be home, full time. but i am sure that i can find contentment in this moment.

i am sure that it is just a step in the direction of His ultimate plan.

it's a benchmark i have to meet.

it's just another rung in my ladder of life. it will make me stronger.

and someday, i will look back and it will be evident why the Lord has me here, in this place, at this time, dropping my baby off into someone else's home.

i've learned through this experience, to let go.

i can't orchestrate every little detail.

and when i try to? each little detail i've worked out comes to a crumble.

"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4.6-7

pray for our monday morning, ok?!

they're gooooooo-in to the chapel and they're....what, WHAT??!

chapel, what?

nope.

not this girl.

she went to a barn.

and she totally nailed it (nail? get it?! pun intended!!)

every. single. detail.
amanda lynn gowen.

manda panda.

the girl who lived just across the street from me, in our village of only 38 people.

(six of which were our family, and six were hers)

we shared "clay street" for over ten years.

the girl who took off down the court, as soon as i would a) steal the ball, or b) get the pass post-rebound.....yes, we cherrypicked the heck out of every team in our middle school bball days.

the girl who practiced layups, while i practiced dribbling with my left hand.

the girl who's family owned horses. horses that we would ride around "the section" on. horses that would help our summer adventures, by packing picnics, or even bucking us off into barbed wire fences.

yes, adventure.

amanda, the girl who was always reading a book, when i would knock on her door to come out and play.

the girl who usually left at least 10 minutes before me for school or practice.....thus always arriving early, and me? just a couple minutes late.

amanda, the girl who was shy. and fortunately went along with any idea i had.

let's sing away in the manger in the middle of summer? ok!

let's play school? ok!

let's build snow forts? ok!

let's have a saronville carnival? ok!

the girl who experienced the loss of her father, at such a young age.

and so, she clung to her other Father......and her faith is inspiring.

the girl who played college sports, who studied pre-pharm, and who just finished her degree in pharmacy. amanda, the girl who is determined.

the girl who i can cry to and laugh with.

the girl who's presence can be absent from my life for large chunks of time, yet when we reunite, it's just like where we left off.

the girl who shares a bond. a God bond.

amanda, who fell completely in love with a man.

phill, who couldn't remind me more of her own father......

that girl?

my best friend forever?

yeah, that one?

well, she got married.

and yes, it was in a barn.

i mean, her ceremony was just outside of the barn, but everything else took place inside.

and i truly can't describe it with words.

i can't describe every single detail she thought up, and then CREATED by herself.......while finishing pharmacy school, spending a year on rotations and passing her boards.

it was beautiful.

she was beautiful.

and i am so, truly, dearly, deeply happy for her.

she's experiencing love.

and i couldn't be happier.

nor could her three beautiful sisters.

from the left: sister melinda, the bride amanda, sister mickayla, and sister sandy. the gowen girls.

and here's a sneak peak of the masterpiece which will be her wedding album. amaze.
amanda, you were a beautiful bride.

you'll be a beautiful wife.

oh, i'm alive, by the way.

well, hello.
did you think i decided to stay in vegas forever?
did you wonder if i ever came back?
did you imagine me becoming a taxi driver on the strip?

oh, you did?
well, you're silly.
because none of those things are true.
i'm back.
i mean, i got back a few weeks ago.

but life is just busy, ey?! too busy to blog for me these days!!

vegas, though

......man.
it's a crazy place.
crazy in a bad way, yet crazy in a crazy way, and yet still crazy in a good way.

are you ready to get blasted with pictures?
ok!

mi familia. lovin up the pool. and........the majority of the time was spent right there, the pool.
yep, hats, coverups, and wedges. poolin' it and lovin' it.
sweet sister time.
crazy caaarazy, sister time.
ruby red lips sister time.

and when we weren't at the pool.......

we did lots of family bonding.....which basically involves two things, conversation and food.miss them already.

aint she perrrrrrrty?
...
one night we found the cutest twin sisters playing at a dueling piano bar.
good stuff.
two sissies. and my sissy.
we got all dressed up for some dinner at in n out. pshhhh. hehehe. yum.

and we were dorks at in n out.

major dorks.
...
but back to the pool.
all of the sudden, the sun started to set......and provided the most radiant coloring as it reflected off of some bronze windows....

so i had to snap this of my beautiful cousin.
and then my sissy and aunt.....
and of course my aunt joan, who's as happy as can be.
and then we decided...."sister pic sister pic"
oh you guys too? sister pic, sister pic!
...

and then,
BAM!
someone yelled out, "photo shoot!!!!!!!!!!!"
it may have been me.
hey ladies.
flying megan.crazy girls.
look at that sun. shimmer shimmer WAAAAA.
and............last one.
...
so yeah.......we had a good time.
a real good time.
but then we started to wonder......
is this us in 30 years???

from the left: aunt joan, aunt marce, mom, aunt marylin, aunt elaine. love them, love them lots.