a slump.

i've been in a slump.

i looked up slump in the dictionary, well, dictionary.com, and it says it means to fall or sink suddenly.

that's what's happened.  i've been falling and sinking, and though there are so SO many good things going on, and so MANY good moments happening, the sinking is still happening too.

one could call it post partum stuff, or maybe it has to do with my low iron + a baby who is waking up every 2-3 hours for almost 5 months now, or my ever worrying mind about my decreasing milk supply, or maybe it's my toddler that stretches me so thin i feel like i'll break.  maybe it's all those things.  regardless of what you want to call it, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, or a slump?.... it's consuming and some days, it takes everything i have just to make it through the day.

i can sit here and list what i'm grateful for. and the list would pour onto the floor.
it would overflow with abundance of gifts and blessings and love and support.
it would make me feel good, and it does.

but then something happens when the baby cries and i can't get him to fall asleep and the toddler spills all the crackers on the floor, steps on them, and then screams at me because he's hungry.  something happens when i look around in this house, and though we've lived here for almost 5 months, it still doesn't quite feel like home.  something happens when i watch the clock and it ticks so slowly until my mr leif gets home at 6pm.  something happens when i try to leave the house and the baby screams in the car, which makes the toddler scream in the car, which makes me want to cry and just turn around and stay home.  something happens when i open up my tub of clothes and try on those jeans again, the ones i wore before sweet archer came, and they still don't fit, actually, nor do any of the shirts. and the scale? something happens when i step on it and it just sits at that number, never lowering, and though i can be told, "but you just had a baby 5 months ago!" it doesn't comfort me, and my unhealthy view of body image.  and something happens when think of all those things, and i get angry at myself for not handling this better, for feeling so pathetic, for letting these things consume me and swallow me.  why can't i overcome this?  i'm a believer...are christians supposed to feel this way?  and where's my joy?  that joy that's unspeakable?
and when all of those things keep happening - it makes those blessings get foggy.
it covers up my gratitude and overwhelms me with a feeling of, i can't do this.

i want to write more in this space.  i desire to write every day.
i want to pour my heart out, unleash my mind, and let my fingers flow with what's inside.
but it's not always cute.  or funny.  or worthy of publishing.
and i feel frozen when i can't be real.
if i continue to try and ignore what's going on in my heart, and just write about all the good stuff? then for me, it's not worth writing at all.
i want my children to read about my hard days too.
i want them to see that life is weary.
and i want to show that i am so so broken.

and then i want to do one thing, and one thing only, i want to point up.
to christ.

i want to share that i am struggling, and my only way out is to breathe in gulps of His living water.
i want to share that it's ok to be weak, and that it draws us closer to our Father, and when we are weak, it stirs up His compassion.
i want to share that though i am delicate, i am grounded in truth, and when your foundation is on solid ground, you will flourish.

motherhood is so refining.
marriage is work.
life is hard.

but, oh my.  oh my, oh my. it's beautiful.
it's good.
it's lovely.
it's so SO sweet.

i look at my husband and am in awe by how much love i can have for this man.
i look at my children and overwhelmed with how my heart beats for them.
and, i look at my life and even though i see so much good, i also see the bad, and together, they paint the most beautiful picture of a sinner, running and clinging to the only hope we have in our Savior.
i see his grace, and i see it pour out from the moment i hear the baby cry, to the countless times my toddler wears me thin.  he sees me weak, and weary, and he pours his grace down upon my broken attempts to mother.  and he meets me in my mess, and together, we love these children.  and together we serve my husband.

these trials that happen to us believers, they are so good. so SO good.
it's through them that we hear the Father whispering, Come to me, come to me, come...
His vast ocean of love is so big, i can not comprehend.
and when we are weary, and weak, then he is so very strong.

i'm meditating on proverbs 18:10 today,
the name of the lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe.
amen?

>>> scenes from the leif house <<<

and, loving this

i have two boys. TWO!

i have to chuckle.

never did i ever imagine having two sons.

when i drempt of children, i think i always trailed down the path of having daughters.

sons too, but most definitely daughters.

i always imagined how i would dress them.

i imagined going through life with them, experiencing the things i once experienced.

you know, girly sleep overs, dances, prom, etc.

and now i kind of wonder if i will ever get a daughter?

we shall see!

for now though, i don't quite mind only having boys :)

seriously.

i love that i get to raise these little men.

these little leaders.

besides, mr leif gets to teach these mini men how to grow up and be just like him!

sometimes i just sit back and think how funny it is... our plan vs God's plan.

we have these visions, these ideas, and sometimes they just won't ever play out.

and it might be hard to accept, but truly, God's plan is bigger and better.

these little boys are just beginning their relationship that will last a lifetime.

and, WHOA. i get to help mold it.

how awesome is that!

and how scary is that!

it's pretty neat to see such a tender place in roman's heart open up, and let archer in.

he hasn't been too rough with him yet,

and if he does bump him (once a book to the forehead, and the other time a knee to the cheek. oops) roman is so quick to say, "oh, sorry archa" and "you're ok archa".

often times i'll lay archer down and ask roman to play by him so that archer can watch him.

little romes doesn't skip a beat.

he loves telling archer all about his machines :)

and i'm quite certain archer man loves to listen.

we've now reached the status where i can trust roman to be in the same room as archer and not worry that he will throw a ball at his face, or something to that extent.

when we first brought archer home, there were all those little worries.

but now, i really have a trusting peace that roman has his brother's best interest in mind :)

ask me in a year, when A is swiping his toys away.

ha.

it's gonna be CRAY up in here.

 but really,

their relationship is in full bloom.

and i'm SO grateful that i get to be home with them each day to watch it bloom.

God is so good to me, even though i can be so impatient and selfish with my parenting, He continues to be faithful and sustain me through the crazy moments, forgive me for my mistakes, and give me mercies each morning to try again with these two little boys.

oh, my heart is full.

april showers.

april was a hard month for me.

my sister was here for over for a few days in the beginning, 

[hi little niece, hazel!!!]

and my mom stayed for another week,

but then i was mostly solo. with the boys. in a home that was all torn apart.

though my mom and sister had done some unpacking for me, most of our things were (and still are!) in boxes.

walls were attempting to get painted, floors were being finished up, little projects here and there were popping up around the house, leaving me to live in a construction zone while mr leif went off to work.

i so badly (and still do!) want to set up our home.  

i want to paint, decorate, unpack my "decor" boxes, go thrifting to find new treasures for this home, and arrange our furniture to flow better.... 

but it seems like all i could do was feed and change the boys, remember to eat  and brush my teeth, and occasionally attempt to leave the house for a trip to the park.

from these photos, it looks like all we did was sleep the month of april away...

and, well, there were times i wish i could have :)

sweet little archer had an interesting first month.

his first couple weeks were great.  although i quickly dealt with his straining pain after every feeding.

it seemed like his gassiness and stomach pains came far too often and made our feedings miserable.

i tried gas drops, gripe water, and even cut out dairy for a week, and nothing seemed to work.

so i switched to exclusively pumping, thinking he would get less air with a bottle?  

he drank like a champ.

however, by the end of the month, i learned that pumping, and then feeding with a bottle, while having a toddler run wild was not going to work!

by the time june came, we worked ourselves back to nursing again.

whew.  what a roller coaster these little issues can be.

the boys began to bond.

which actually looks like roman running up to archer screaming, "hey otcha!"

followed by him lightly poking his cheeks yelling, "tink!"

brotherly love?

:)

there were moments when i felt regret.

why did we move?

we could have just made it work in our old house, the boys could have just shared a room, 

at least we wouldn't be in this strange place.  and at least i wouldn't so alone, right?

there were evenings with these :)

 and handfuls and handfuls of these :)

 and i desperately clung to my jesus calling devotional.

i'd read days and days of devotionals at a time.  just for a glimpse of hope. 

and this verse, i clung to it:

if you've ever felt like your world was too much to handle, you'll appreciate this verse.

it might seem silly to some, too feel so overwhelmed in my situation.

but hormones are cray.

and sleep deprivations is cray cray.

and wild toddlers are really cray.

and then,

one day some happy mail came :)

 [my new solly baby wrap, and a package from my sis!]

and some sweet cuddling with my boys :)

and before i knew it things were starting to seem manageable.

archer is truly a delightful baby.

just look at him :)

 i remember my first couple months with roman were difficult.

this time around i feel like the yucky phase lasted about a month and a half, about mid may things started getting better.

i'm so grateful for my friends, the prayers, little texts and visits and countless cookie deliveries, (thanks jess!) were like little lifelines to get me through.

i love that i can be honest with them and tell them when i'm struggling, and they're right there ready to pick up the slack.  

and i think my sister called every day for a while to make sure i was ok :)

God has been so good to me, in giving me this support system here in KC, away from family.

these girls are family!

motherhood is so good.  so hard.  so scary.  and so SO beautiful.
it's refinement at its best, and i'm so thankful that the Lord is using these little boys to refine me.
i'm a lucky momma :)

my parenting, a hot mess.

yesterday was not good.

roman pretty much dropped to the floor in a pile of tears anytime he was told no,

anytime one of his toys was "stuck"

or anytime he felt the slightest bit of frustration in any way.

but that's not the bad part.

no, this is where i come in.

i made things ugly.

i lost my patience.

i spoke in a way that didn't sing a song of gratitude.

i took no time to reflect on my blessings.

and, i said two prayers out loud for roman and i, asking God to help him make good decisions and to give me patience.  

though, i didn't even really try to be patient. ever.  it was basically a fake prayer.

sometimes, just the sound of his whiny voice sets me off.  in seconds.  i go from calm, to a very "not calm".

yes, we have 87 moments where we cuddle, and giggle, and chase, and make tooting sounds, and snuggle, and give kisses.

but then, the one not-so-nice moment comes.

and i'm faced with the choice.

discipline?

or smooth things over, aka give in.

i usually try to choose discipline.  it's my duty, but it's exhausting.

but honestly, if it's just another piece of gum he wants? if that will quiet him? and calm him?

it's so easy, so tempting to just given him the silly gum.  even if i've said no.

but it's my job to stick to my guns.

and it's exhausting.

and i only have one child. oh dear.

how do you do it with multiple children?

the long days?

the consistency?

the whining.....hold me.

ahhhh.  what a season of life.

and, what a gift.

when i stop to reflect, i realize yes.  it IS a gift.

the lord has GIVEN me a child. 

i have been blessed with the ability to mold a little heart to run fast to jesus.

so, at the end of the day, the long and exhausting day, i have hope.

hope in my gift of motherhood.

hope in the grace and mercy i receive in response to my poor mothering choices.

and hope that because of jesus, my sad attempts at being a momma are wiped clean and made perfect.

and that, is beautiful.

and for now?

i'm gonna go make sure this happens today:

romes talks, like all day long {and i love it}

"outside peeeeese daddy"

"what do you say?", as mr leif opens the door and they walk out onto the deck.

"taaantuu" {thank you}, romes so glady replies.

and then what happens next melts my heart even more than the little conversation that just happened.

i get the glance, from my love. 

the one that says, with a twinkle in his eye, "did you hear what romes just said?"

the one that says, with so much love bursting forth, "that's our little boy" :)

i haven't been able to write down my thoughts for the past couple weeks, because it's all just swarming around me so fast.

first there were all of his little single words he threw out here and there.

but now? there are phrases.

little buds of dialogue, bursting forth from his mouth, begging to take part in conversation.

it happened right before my eyes.

i didn't even blink, it just happened.

words became phrases, and tomorrow we'll be chatting away like the best of friends.

it seems as if i'll keep saying it, that each stage is better than the last, but all of the sudden the stages hit speeds that are going far to quick for my momma heart.  slow down.  oh, how i wish they would slow down.

i'd be fine with just hearing "read, read"  

and, while it's music to my ears to hear "momma read?  momma read peeeease?"

it's just going so fast.

it's a beautiful thing to get the glance from mr leif

it reassures me that it's all ok.

no matter what kind of tantrum he just threw,

or no matter how many vegetables he is now on strike from eating,

he just said "outside daddy peeease"

and his tender little voice, it's like a balm to our weariness.

i love him.

i guess i just didn't know my heart could keep expanding like this.

sometimes when i stop and think about how much i love him? 

i could just bawl my eyes out.

thank you LORD for the gift of children.

their soft skin, their tender voices.  their innocence, their eagerness.

their joy, their giggles, their mind that is constantly soaking up new things.

though raising a child can stretch you so thin, you might think you'll break?

it's true, the good always blows the hard stuff outta the water.

children are an indescribable gift.

thank you dear roman, for loving me even when i have no idea how to parent you.

thank you dear roman, for adoring me even after i have an ugly moment. {or 13 of them}

and thank you dear roman for being the tool that my heavenly Father is using, to refine me, so I might shine for his glory.

mommahood.

sometimes roman wakes me up really early.  like, 6:30 early.

[which is sort of funny that i think 6:30 is early, i used to leave the house by 6:30]

and then magic happens.

and just like that, i'm ready to dominate the day.

happy heart momma bear stuff.

happy heart:

when he makes him laugh.

uncontrollably.

happy heart:

romes, telling the pig "i yuv you"

happy heart:

eating tcby, pink lemonade and gummy bears, in my yellow dress

happy heart:

his blue eyes.

happy heart:

walking into the kitchen, catching him play grocery store.

happy heart:

sweet fitty cent garage sale finds.

roman's first motorcycle. his first train.

[he's in love]

happy heart:

those lips.

those eyes.

[those cheeks]

happy heart:

finding his friends, stuffed in a stroller, being pulled around the house.

happy heart:

pajama top.

swim trunk bottom.

paci.

tiger.

kitchen floor.

happy heart:

his excitement for the trash truck.

happy heart:

us.

happy heart:

him.

i never knew what this momma thing was gonna do to my heart.

but wow. it expands by the moment these days.