i can't help but keep reading...

...Cole's Post over and over again.

i know i linked to it before, but i really really am obsessed with it at the moment...

so, i'm posting it below. with COMPLETE props to her, she's a beautiful writer.

cole writes.......
"So right now I’m studying Daniel. It’s about a young guy who was taken captive away from his home and brought to Babylon. Now when I think of someone being taken captive I think of someone dressed in rags, and treated as a slave. But this wasn’t the case. Let me paint a picture of Babylon-think rich, seducing, overindulgent, and incredibly self-centered. Daniel was brought here and because he was young, intelligent and handsome he was offered more than just a taste of its intoxicating world.

Picture yourself in your teenage years being taken from all you’ve known and thrown into a very foreign and luxurious life living in a palace, feasting off the king’s table and being “enlightened” by all the best scholars and sages. Imagine having every temptation, every possible manner to indoctrinate your beliefs thrown at you. Could you stand firm against such an enticing culture? I asked myself this question and I’m not sure I would have at 15 or 16. But Daniel did. He resolved not to defile himself and then practiced that resolve every day. He was consistent in his integrity. This is such a deep story and I am learning so much from it. I could talk about this for hours but I will keep it as short as I can for attention span sake.

I can’t help but see parallels between the Babylonian mentality and our culture today. Babylon philosophy- younger is better, appearance is everything, you have to be intelligent, social status matters, 'I am and there is none besides me.' Sound familiar to you? The first night I started this study I ran into the store to pick something up and I noticed coffee mugs for sell by the register that read I LOVE ME (lindsdey inserts: 'GAG' to the coffee mug.....seriously people).

A light clicked on inside of me. And ever since that night I’m noticing the similarities everywhere. I really want to be like Daniel. I want to be able to resist the charms. I don’t want to be so absorbed that no one knows I belong to Jesus. The past few weeks have not been easy. It’s hard to let go of something that feels so good. It’s an everyday challenge to resolve in your heart not to compromise and be deliberate in your actions to make sure you know which influence will win out." -cole

lately, my weight gain and body image are really starting to bother me. i didn't realize i would be affected so much by 'getting bigger' during pregnancy.

i know i know, you all think 'but pregnancy is beautiful, your supposed to grow, its for the babe, etc...'
but,

i wouldn't be honest with myself, with you, if i didn't admit to this struggle. to think i'm only 23 weeks, and to know that i will get bigger is hard for me to comprehend. i'm not talking about my belly. i think that's cute. but my butt, chest, and thighs are hard for me to accept right now....but i'm trying, that counts right?!?!!
so,
cole's post about daniel is refreshing for me.
why am i so caught up in my body image?
why am i comparing myself to my cute/nonpregnant friends?
why am i letting the issue of weight gain bother me?
i wish i wouldn't
but i do

so, like cole wrote:
"I don’t want to be so absorbed that no one knows I belong to Jesus."
and to tack this onto my 30 day challenge....

i want to radiate to those around me that i belong to Jesus.
that i am happy, joyful, thankful, and OK with my body image.
i will stop responding to, "your such a cute pregnant person" with..........
"yeah, thanks, but i feel huge and have gained a lot of weight, and i don't like my butt and thighs...."
instead.

i will say thank you. and smile.

i've got my color palette set....

.....for the nursery.

phew.

that has been a longtime battle in my mind.

i don't want to go with a specific theme, i just want a color palette so when i am out browsing at tj maxx, marshalls, garage sales, and thrift shops, i know what sort of thing i'm goin for.

i stumbled upon this cute photo online for the idea of the poms....

i like the colors, and the tutorial (click on the photo to see for yourself)

but...

when i came across kirsten at pomlove, via etsy......

i thought.

ok, i'll support her

and try making my own poms on another day....

so.

i ordered a mixture of the colors below to create little leif's very own 5-peice set.

can't wait til they come!!!!!

so, remember that....

....scooter stroller i was talking about!?!?!

well.

they don't stop there.........

ok. and to tell you the truth.

these crazy stroller contraptions are starting to grow on me.

i sort/kinda/teency/weency want one.

a bike one. not a scooter one.

oh perfect!

since mr. leif wants 6 kids and all.....i could use this for the first two.

this morning...

.......i dropped mr leif at the airport.

bright and early.

it's a yucky feeling saying goodbye.

in fact, i hate goodbyes, i usually try to avoid them.

but as i waved the last time, i tried to look cute and a bit sexy like ms vogue here,

ya know, so he would have that vision of me in his mind.

and not one of me sobbing and slobbering....

:)

oh i love him so much.

i guess it's quite true.

absence must make your heart grow fonder.

i dont typically like/believe/say cliche things like that

but ever since mr leif has been home from st louis.

i'm his shaddow.

cant get enough of him.

however.

im not gonna sit around and mope all week.

he told me to have fun...

so im headed back to NE for some good girlfriend time.

and some fam time too!

(but not before momma2 comes to see me this weekend!!!!)

but goodness.

let's not get too far ahead.

today is a big BIG day.

ive got this crazy test.

in 3 hours.

test...test...test....i do not like you

i'm feelin good about the test though.
a few of mr. leif's words to me last night.
"let's go on a date..."

and while i was just adimate i would fail:

"i love you, and i'll still love you if you don't pass"

and over and over again to pump me up:
"you're gonna rock this test"

......thanks for the inspiration mr leif.
xoxo

and just in case i do fail, which i wont:

but take heed........

and when i walk out of that testing room....

i'm gonna leap with joy.

and then go meet my classmates for a beverage.

i think i will do a nonalcoholic margarita or something fun like that.

because life IS much better when you celebrate.

when you dance.

and when you laugh.

i plan to do 2/3. not sure if we'll be dancing.

it'll only be 1:oopm.

but maybe......

because i love my classmates.

when you are in a counseling masters program with the same mates all the way through

you've been their clients

they've been yours

they've heard your heart

you've heard theirs

we are so close.

a rather tight knit bunch.

and for you.

dear readers..........

sitting here in my...

...bra and undies.

because i just came in from soakin up the sun on my deck.
because i needed to study and finally had a somewhat clear mind to do so.
(unfortunately its the day before the test)
(unfortunately this is the first time i've had a clear mind in 2 weeks)
(so, subsequently, the first time i've 'really' studied)

oh the bra and undies?

well, to put a positive twist on things..........

it's GREAT that it would cost $4000 to do a proper tree trimming

in our backyard. so we are keepin the trees bushy. realllll bushy!

it's GREAT that i can lay out on my deck. in bra and undies.
.........because i dont feel like pouring myself into a swim suit
(no, no, no, i dont have a maternity one yet. ugh)

the view from my deck. like 4 seconds ago.

so.
while i was out on my deck. bra n' undies style, studyin.
i thought.
hmmmmm
how will i explain our dr. appointment today.

mr leif and i had a quick lunch together after it to which i asked him that same question.
"how should i tell people, this is really confusing, even to us?"
"how will i even explain it?"

so we talked about it a bit.

and here is my best shot and putting confused thoughts into words
(something that normally is quite easy for me, and now...isn't)

today eased our minds.
the perinatologists was quite blunt
and he called our baby 'the kid'
but other then that, we left feeling better instead of worse

through this pregnancy, we have definitely found out quickly that in the medical field, there are many, many times when they just can't give you a guarantee.
but rather
it's a waiting game. it's a statistic.
you know......there is always that "1 in ____ chance."

so with our little babe.
there is infact, a 1 in something chance that there will be some
abnormalities.
(i hate that word by the way)

but we aren't even going to discuss nor dwell on the the chance. the statistic.

because life isn't about statistics.
its about WHO has it all planned out, already.

there really are no chances, cuz He knows, and thank goodness.

i've come to the conclusion, already, that mr leif and i
would be perfect parents to a baby with downs.
with his compassion, selflessness, and ability to care for others
and my passion, energy, and eagerness to learn
we would make the perfect team.

if that is what God has in store for us?
then we will work to glorifiy him through that journey.
if not?
we will rejoice in the fact that we didn't spend the rest of our pregnancy worrying.
but, that we were ready to embrace what God had planned.

and, so many MANY people notice things on their scans, and so many, MANY times it turns up to be nothin! so we aren't too worried :)

i feel quite free right now. not to say that won't change or i won't get a bit whimpy.
but for now. i'm good.
we're good.

and besides........ i think we are "in for it", regardless.
because the doc said over and OVER again how the baby is
"so quick! and so agile!"
(and thats exactly what the lady said 2 weeks ago.)
so
i better get me some new tennies......looks like this one is comin out runnin!!!

can't wait to meet my quick, little yoga baby!!

and ps.
the perfect song came on the radio after our appointent.....
the lyrics were:
"every knee will bow, every tongue confess........."

mr leif and i got all giddy just thinkin about that day.
how mini mr leif will be bowin too, right there next to us
and so will our other 5 kids.
(mr leif wants 6)
(i haven't quite decided if im jumpin on that band waggon.......)

baby legs...

... for boys.

yay.

someday...

...i'll be out cruizin in my ride.

just like the momma was in this cute little bee-em-doubya.

her son was driving.

he looked like he was 13.

both hands fiercely gripping the wheel. at 10 and 2.

totally going the speed limit.

with the look of 'oh crap, this is scary' on his face.

yep.

someday. that'll be me :) (the son AND the car) hehe

(i typically dont drive and take pics with my celly at the same time. this was a very rare occasion. just so ya know....)

AND

check out this post from cole. its amazing.

how we found out we are having.....

........a mini mr leif :)


thanks amanda:) xoxox

a very random view of today, from my...

...cell phone.
as i sit on the couch. looking around the room. daydreaming.
and, well, not studying like i should be. :)
and feeling proud of myself for going to 5:45am jazzercise before summer school.
booya.

so mr leif re-did our tv room/den-ish area a while ago.
and shame on me for not posting a beautiful pictoral blog about it.
i will.
soon.
and my dad helped him too.
but for now, look below
and catch the sweet corner entertainment center he built into our wall.
i love my mr.

now remember my fakesters?

when we were home for mem day.....my momma and i got our nails filled.
she had fakies on too!
well.
i usually just have them on for about a month and then i take the off.
i've never filled them.
but when 'strategically' scratching mr leifs back,
i asked him if i should take my nails off,
or get them filled........
....he so adimately replied with 'fill'em'.
and goodness!!!
im totally not with it...

because, i haven't been posting belly pics.
i suppose i better kick this: 'whoa its awkward taking self portaits' thought to the curb.
because i am going to post weekly shots.
because its so cliche.
all the preg gals do it.
hehehehehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeee
i suppose i will ramble about whats going on with my preggo state as well.

and.
who told this girl to wear horizontal stripes? um no one.
i'm livin on the edge.
i guess.

so, at 21 weeks and 5 days.....

i've felt some slight flutters. but my doc told me at my appointment a couple weeks ago that the placenta (i think thats a gross word) is in front of the babe. so its between my tum, and him. and therefore i probably wasnt feeling him yet. but this past week i have. its like butterflies. kinda like the feeling i got when mr leif would stop by my locker in highschool. ya know. we were cheesy like that.

also. im 90% done with feeling sick! i really only feel as if i've just stepped off the rockoplane if A) i dont eat soon enough, or B) if i am riding in the backseat of a car, or C) at night sometimes randomly. (ps... the rockoplane was an evil ride at the sutton carnival. i hate carnival rides)

my lady lumps are big. and i dont like them. holy bigger bra. (but its a comfy one. and its tan. and it has ugly thick straps. welcome to becoming a true woman i guess???)

my butt is losing any and all firmness that ever existed. not even 1% firm. nor are my thighs. and they are yucky. its like our bodies are designed to turn into marshmellows so we can push babies out easier??? but. its ok cuz mr leif still swears he loves them. and i suppose its a small price i can pay for a mini mr leif to arrive in october ;)

no weird dreams. but i have an internal clock that wakes me up at 5:30 and wont let me go back to sleep until its like 10am and i am craving a blanket and the couch. but cant have them. because i am teaching a couple kids from ethiopia how to read. (yep, almaze and girma are in m 10-1030 reading group at summer school).

i've started to not be ale to sleep on my tummy. i can feel the babe now when i do that. and that's awkward and uncomfortable. laying on my back still works for a bit. but the side is most comfy. although mr leif is probably sick of being my body pillow. im like a pretzel all intertwined around him. but its ok. he sleeps really hard. he probably has no idea he is assisting me.

all in all. im doin fab.

this week is.....

...full of a big stuff.

...........at our last appointment, they found a couple 'spots' on the babe. we'll just call them spots, because the words are too long to type and i don't know how to spell them, nor do i really even know what they mean. in all honesty, i think technology is just a bit too good these days. you see, years ago, they wouldn't find half the stuff they do today, and many times, these 'spots' end up being completely fine. they go away, or they are just minor abnormalities. but. for some reason our doc found two in particular, she didn't like. and so she is sending us to a perinatologist. and on friday. we go. we'll get our high tech ultrasound. i really didn't think this news bothered me much. i had my cry on the way home from the appointment, but then we were off to NE for our reveal party and it was time to think happy thoughts. mr leif is and has been quite confident. but yesterday, for me, it started to bombard my mind. and though i've been trying to suppress it, i'm worried. so friday at 1:00 we'll get to see our babe again. hopefully he'll do some sweet yoga baby poses. flexible, those wee ones are, ya know!?

..........on saturday, mr leif is leaving. for 7 days. its nothin compared to 10 months! but in this weird droopy state i'm in, i've been the biggest wimp about him leaving. i think, what if we get bad news on friday and then i then i am supposed to just drop him off at the airport? and then what? try to make it through the week without him? but goodness. guess what he is doing. he's going on a mission trip. he's going to spread the word of Jesus through helping fix houses and buildings and run a bible school for kids. for a week. he's leaving to go serve. why am i pouting? have i once put myself in the shoes of those he will be serving? have i once put myself in his shoes? nope.

...........after i drop mr. leif off at the airport i buzz over to my testing site. you see, i should have been studying for the past month (and havent been, at all.) on saturday, i have my first round of counseling boards. i am not sure what it is that drove me to completely pretending i don't have to take this whopper of a test. but for some reason, i've completely dismissed it from my consciousness, until yesterday. it hit me. i've barely popped open my study book. i haven't even begun reviewing any of the counseling theories. i guess i will answer from my heart??? pshhhhhhh. so, that's on saturday.

and check out thiw sweet song

push pause on my music player.
then push play on this video below.

but just as mindy has sung over and over........it's all about your heart, so i will work on my heart. and its intentions. and so that they might not be focused on myself. today my scars are selfishness, pouting, dwelling in the negatives........and i know “the God of hope can and will fill me with all joy and peace, as I trust in him, so that I will overflow with hope.” Romans 15:13

cheers to a bumpy ride.

i know Motherhood will be one of the most transforming experiences of my life— an exhausting, exhilarating, extraordinary journey. sometimes it's scary to think im about to enter it. sometimes i wonder if the things that challenge me now are so petty compared to what will come in the next year?

we all have yucky weeks. yucky months. sometimes even yucky years. it's quite nice to know we aren't alone in them. :)
here's to the rest of my week. full of prayers and studying. full of trying to soak up as much mr leif as i can........
.........and to eating vegetables. i need to do better on that too.