the storm before the calm?

that's how i feel right now.
i knew this would happen.
i knew i would end up in this 'place'
my life feels like a storm right now.
and i get myself in these situations all the time........i WORK HARD at trying to slow my life down. it literally becomes WORK.

no, i don't think it was a wrong time to launch my new stella and dot business. in fact, i think the time was perfect. i need to get it off and going so that when summer comes and my only responsibilty is little romes, i will be in full force with stella and dot. i want to be comfortable with it by summer time. i want to have it be a normal part of my life by then, so i can fully enjoy my summer with romes, and won't need to be learning the ropes to this new thing. i'll already have it under my belt.

but problem?
i'm still working.
and still going to school every wednesday night.
and still trying to pump and nurse.
and still trying to be a wife.
and still trying to figure out this whole mom gig.
and still trying to travel and visit family.

so, i'm looking at this as my storm before the calm.

most days i'm pumped with adrenaline, to dominate the day.
but a few times i feel defeated before i even get out of bed.

roman looks up and begins giggling after our 5:30am nursing time. and i shiver at the thought of setting him down so i can get ready to go to work. but i suck it up. and i do it. moms are strong. wow, we are.
then, i begin thinking..........is this really my storm before the calm? or is this my life. is this just how life is? barely stop to catch your breath before you go again?
regardless if i'm working or not.
regardless if i have one child or 5.
will life always be so challenging?

last week, mr leif and i started laughing in the kitchen as i said, "wow, the responsibilities in life never stop, huh! we just won't ever get a break or a timeout from here on out!"
life can be such a heavy burden on our shoulders.
IF we let it.

why do we let it?
or maybe its just me. why do i let it?
i close my heart off. i don't go to HIM for help. i don't accept his grace in the areas of my life that i need it so bad.

the beautiful thing about our FATHER, is that he wants to carry our burdens for us.
psalm 55.22 - Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you.

i typically don't have the tendency to be a 'downer'
i typically am quite the happy, smiley, goofy, full of energy girl.......
but it seems as if, in this season, i've let things get the best of me.
busy-ness and worry.

i don't know what it is about music. but it gets to me. every time.
i can be in the biggest funk and then a good song comes on and i completely do a 180.
that's what happened the other morning.
this song came on.
and, when i found it on youtube, i fell in love with this version.
each verse i read seemed to JUMP OUT and GRAB my heart.
saying, "hello, lindsey? you'll be fine. I AM here for you, quit freaking out. quit trying to handle life on your own. turn it over to ME"
a breath of fresh air.


so.
i didn't want this post to come off as a complaint.
but i wanted to share. because i know so many of us can feel so burdened by the busy-ness of life. we let whatever season we are in overwhelm us to the max. leaving us tired, worried, and confused.

i want you to know there is SO much rest in HIM.
his grace is SO sufficient.
and songs like those can just re-vamp me.
making me feel confident because HE is with me EVERY step of the way.
at work.
at home.
in the middle of the night.
when i'm tired. annoyed. overwhelmed. and ready to throw the towel in :)
to stop, and slow down, and be still in the lord, can be difficult.
we get ourselves so consumed with over-committing.
i over-committ because i want to please others. i want to make sure i am meeting the needs of those around me. but really, its so unhealthy. my family suffers. my job suffers. my relationships suffer.
however. i'm trying to train myself to slow down.
sounds weird, i know.
but.........the other morning. a rare thing happened.
as i was looking up from feeding romes, i saw the sunrise.
and it was beautiful.
i don't remember the last sunrise i've seen...living in the city doesn't quite promote it.
but it was there, peeking around our neighbor's house. and bright pink.
it made me stop. think. and reflect on my day. HIS beauty is everywhere, reminding me anytime, anywhere that his grace is sufficient. one day at a time. i just have to look. i can't put my blinders on.
it's all around us.
we just have to stop and see it.

so.
here's to being refreshed and ready.
here's to smiling. laughing. and being lighthearted in the midst of crazy.
here's to the storm. praying it brings calm :)

not really a resolution.

it started with a fourth grade guidance lesson on resolutions.
we didn't really set resolutions, rather we let the theme of a 'new year resolution' guide us in learning how to set goals.
goals that were realistic.
goals that were measureable.
goals that were attainable.

as in most lessons, the kids enjoy when i self-disclose - both the good stuff AND the bad (like the time i was dishonest to my 3rd grade teacher when she asked if i was finished with my milk and i told her yes, which then led her to ask me to tip my container upside down so she could see, which of course resulted in milk all over my desk. because i wasn't finished. i hated milk. still do actually.) anyways, they like that kind of stuff. it helps them realize that teachers aren't perfect :)

so i explained to the kids my goal of running a 10K in may. and that i have a plan.
3 miles by te end of january.
4 miles by the end of february.
5 miles by the end of march.
and 6 miles by the end of april - making me ready to run the race in may.

and of couse, my reward? a new pair of shoes. under $40.

but over the last few days, it's been sort of on my heart that i didn't set any new years resolutions. and a run to prepare for isn't really my sort of typical resolution.

this year, i want to make a resolution, but it's really more of a goal.
i've been hearing about many great books that are just screaming my name.

my goal is to complete a whole list of books throughout the year. it's my 'resolution'.

the list?
Calm My Anxious Heart...Linda Dillow
When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man...Edward T. Welch
Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World: Finding Intimacy With God in the Busyness of Life...Joanna Weaver

lately, i've been searching and searching for god's will in my life. does He want me to stay home with my kid(s)? does he want me to work? full time? part time? should we sell our house? should we stay? should we move closer to home? should we stay in KC? ..............relax, breathe, calm my heart. serve the Lord with gladness. i'm failing to realize i need to be still. search the scriptures. and wait for the Lord. i'm praying, that through these books, the Lord will stir my heart. and i will walk closer to Him.

calm my anxious heart...

...is the name of a book written by linda dillow.

(btw......i got a new music player. and on this one, you hafta push play)

(just in case you wanted to hear a good song, or two)

hehe

it's the book that i'm reading, for a bible study i'm so graciously indulging in on wednesday nights.

after just one night........after just one chapter.........i've quickly realized it is everything and more i've been needing. it's everything and more that i've been lacking in. it's the Lord, working in me, and it's the most amazing feeling ever.

i couldn't wait to delve into chapter 2 just moments after finishing chapter 1. but when i still had to answer my questions, and memorize my verse, i decided......i'm going to stay on schedule, and just indulge in one chapter a week.

so yes. each week along with reading the chapter, we are being challenged to memorize a verse. the verse is found within the chapter :) and i'm so excited to begin memorizing. i've actually experienced quite the blessing my lifetime.......for 9 years (kindergarten through 8th grade) i was required to memorize a bible verse each week of school. you see, i went to a private/christian school growing up, and that was part of the curriculum. however, it saddens me as i've come to the realization, that i've lost so many of those verses somewhere up in my mind.......they aren't easily flowing from my lips..... but now. as an adult. i can relearn them. and they will be the treasures of my heart. golden words that will flow into the hearts of my children. (so yeah. i better get memorizing.........or the only thing that will be flowin is my rootbeer smelling breath. because, you know, i like rootbeer. and i have rootbeer floats. a lot)

back to the b-study.

calm my anxious heart. wow. just the title speaks volumes.

now is the part of the post where i wanted to link to all the anxieties i've been struggling with lately, but then i realized, i would be here til at least midnight (and its only 7:23) trying to link them all. in other words. anxiousness has consumed me lately, and its not good people.

as i look at my past. i would NEVER, yep NEVER say that i've dealt with anxiety. i've never been much of a worrier. but then, as i examined further........i realize that the Lord has blessed me with such an overflowing abundance of blessing, that i haven't been challenged to confront worry. i haven't been challenged to confront anxiety. i haven't had to. i haven't had to work towards contentment. i've been content. because the Lord has, so far, set a life before me which has been quite easy to be content with.

but now.
i am.
i am facing a battle with contentment. and i'm not winning.

however, just when i felt as if i was slowly drowning in discontentment, just when i felt like i was rounding the last curve of 300 hurdles race (which, if you haven't ran one, is brutal.......especially that last curve), the Lord swept in.

it's my intent. (notice i say intent, not plan) to post a weekly digestion of each chapter in my book. and as my heart is transformed. as it becomes content. i hope yours will too. but really.....in all seriousness........i'll pray that you, my readers, will find your contentment in him :)

ok. so that was my intro.
let's get down to business.

el chaptero uno.

paul (the author of famous books such as philippians) writes (the memory verse):

"i am not saying this because i am in need, for i have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. i know what it is to be in need, and i know what it is to have plenty. i have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want. i can do everything through him who gives me strength. philippians 4.11-13

and

did you know he wrote that as someone who's been imprissoned. in a dark and dreary dungeon, chained to a guard. (amongst being beat, misunderstood, and deserted)

i challenge you to learn that verse. tape it your mirror. do it!

......
the thing with contentment is that its something we can learn. we have to make it a happen.

contentment is infused into us through His word. if we are in his word, we become more content. it will consume us. we'll be infused. (dillow says its like a tea bag sitting in your mug, the tea gets stronger as it seeps in)

.....
how do i find contentment when i battle with such control issues? its funny isn't it, as we look at our lives. we want control, but the amount of 'uncontrollables always out-weigh the controllables'. i laugh as i think about how i find this a fault in my life. you see.....when i work with students at school, one of my goals is to channel their focus onto the things they can control..... can they control that their parents are divorced and their mom and step mom are always fighting? no. but they can control how they handle this situation in terms of their reaction and how they get through it. sooooo.......its just funny. that i preach it. but i can't do it.

i am control hungry.
i want to find the perfect childcare.
i want to finish the year and then stay home with the baby.
i want to raise the baby doing this and that and this and that.
i want.....
i want....
i want....CONTROL!

what i've realized is that through most things i can trust god. i can surrender. BUT when he seems to be moving at too slow of a pace, then i try to step in a oragnize the situation a bit, you know, make a few phone calls, miss a few prayers, take a few things into my own hands. the author, linda dillow, has helped me realize that when i'm tweaking things 'a bit' and trying to 'help god along' that i'm developing my anxious heart. i'm basically saying, and i quote her "god you're not doing what i think needs to be done, so i'll help you out!"

JI Packer says.......contentment is accepting what God sends because we know he is good, and so it is good.

i've been trying to trust. to surrender. but i'm mixing my own strength and desire in, and its not working.

when i pray, i do ask for the lord to do his will........but deep in my heart, is where my desires resinate. asking for only his will to be done is something i pretend to do, but not really do. really, what i'm usually saying is, 'lord show me your will, your plan, for our child and who will care for him. show me your will for me in my career..........but please let your will be for me to be home. ok thanks god'.

why do we think our contentment is related to circumstances? i do it all the time.

however, i learned that true contentment is seperate from our circumstances, its a state of my heart and not of affairs.

i know i've blabbed on.......
and its been quite the helter-skelter blabbling post.........
but

i want to leave you with something quite concrete.
actually 5 things.

5 things that make up a prescription for contentment, straight from linda dillow's book:

1. never allow yourself to complain about anything - not even the weather
2. never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else
3. never compare your lot with another's
4. never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise
5. never dwell on tomorrow.....tomorrow is God's, not ours.
   

thanks for letting me share.
i can't wait to nestle into chapter 2.
i can't wait to experience transformation.
i'm on my way to contentment.
i'm on my way to a calm heart.
(baby steps, people, baby steps)

this will take years.........but i've gotta start somewhere :)