i need champagne.

i would really love to make a toast.

after 4 days of constant phone calls, faxes, and emails, i no longer want to do mean things {VERY mean things} to my health insurance company.

long story short, tomorrow morning i'm having surgery.

i need a mesh patch put inside of me.

being preggo was rough on my abbs,

i now have 2 hernias,

and the holes in my abbs need fixed before i have more kids.

make sense?

thought so.

anyways.

i had a CT scan, met with a surgeon, and am having surgery all in a 2 week time frame.

you'd think my 3 nights in a row of nightmares where scary men were chasing me with knives to cut me open WOULD BE ENOUGH TRAMA to deal with the days leading up to tomorrows surgery.

but NOPE.

the cherry on top just HAD to be that my insurance company said my surgery is from a pre-existing condition and they would NOT cover it.

but there's a request for champagne, remember?!!!!

BECAUSE, they called me at 5pm and said

"from our records....yadda yadda yaaaa......i guess you just made the window by 6 days"

cheers.

i get to have surgery AND my insurance company has decided to help me out.

and in honor of my huge wave of relief, let's go down memory lane just a tad .......ah puerto rico, cheers!

a new chapter.

my life of as a working mom has ended.

........... let me take you back a few days. after a pretty scary incident with roman's current child care situation, after realizing that this was roman's 4th child care provider in 2 months i broke down. i'm emotionally exhausted. with going through 4 child care providers, comes countless phone interviews, emails, home visits, etc.... i couldn't bring myself to interviewing more strangers. more strangers who would be watching my baby. i couldn't bring myself to dropping roman off at a new place once more. i'm tired. SO very tired of it. with each day care situation that failed, a layer of momma guilt was ripped open. i felt helpless and exhausted. i was done. but this time, my breakdown was quick. and it came to us, like a huge neon sign hanging right in front of mr leif and i. the message was clear. its time to stay home and raise roman. ME. HIS momma. it's MY turn. it's so interesting how the Lord uses situations for His glory... in the midst of it, you feel like walls are caving in, like you can't breathe, like you're drowning.... but when the tide goes out, when your lungs fill back up with air, and when the walls push back out.....you realize what you need to do next. as i reflect back to last spring, when i was a new mom, when i was going to night class, when i was working out of the home, when i was a sleep deprived mess. {yikes} i realized how unhappy i was. and how unnatural my roles felt. the rollercoaster of working mom has been going up and down and up and down. and i'm ready to get off. mr. leif has asked me to get off. so now what? we are taking a leap of faith. financially, oh yes. but you know what's amazing? you know what puts the biggest smile on my face? is the excitement i feel. mr leif said it best........"i'm sort of excited to take this on, we can do it!" it's like the gun has just gone off for our first marathon. have we got nerves? oh yes. have we got doubts? oh yes. have we got weird stomach feelings? oh yes. but we laced up our shoes, we've got a WHOLE crowd of supporters cheering us on, and we've got a purpose in our race. we're in a place where we have been craving a challenge. something to get us to recommit. spiritually and relationally. this couldn't have come at a better time. today, as i drove away from school, the weight from my shoulders that slowly disappeared was indescribeable. was i sobbing at the thought of all i would miss? YES yes YES. as i think about the process of me leaving work. a loss of friendships, relationships, of countless emails a day, the love of children, of hearing "hi mrs leif!".........this mourning process will take a very long time. and even now when i think about what and who i am walking away from? i second guess myself. but it's ok. that's only human. as soon as i look at my other options, i'm reassured that my priorities are 1) wife, 2) mother, and then employee. and right now? my duties as wife and mother are calling SO very hard. and i've answered, with a resounding YES yes yes. i know, i know, those of you who already stay home with your children are probably thinking, "oh she has no idea what she is getting into, yes it is amazing to be home with our babies, but it's not all puppies and flowers and glitter, it's hard." and i know that. but i know that i can always regret not staying home with my children, but i won't ever regret staying home with them. a friend wrote to me last night, "You make little cuts here, little cuts there, stretch your hair color out a little,"just look" at Anthro, go on day trips instead of Carribean vacays, and count your blessings." (hi julie!!!!) will i miss this? oh boy, yes. will i miss them? most definitely. will my heart ache when i think about certain kiddos throughout the year? yes sir. will i have days of doubt? probably. but i know i will look back on this season of life and remember the relationships i made, the hearts i touched, and the hugs i gave. i know the Lord will use me again outside of the home some day. but in this phase? in this season? i'm finally right where i need to be. i'm going to take my shoes off and stay awhile. heck i will probably take my make up off too. and my dress pants. i'm going to slip on something comfy, i'm ready to be a STAY AT HOME MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what a mighty GOD we serve. amen?

we are capable.

after mr leif spent a week working in wichita......

our dear friends, mitch and carrie - the newlyweds, came to visit for the weekend.

and obviously, we had a blast.

gojo's is now becoming "our spot"

dance parties in the living room, will be "our thing"

and i guess we'll add

"smacking bees" to the list now too........

yikes....major flash cell phone pic.

we even took the romester shopping....but mr leif wouldn't let him get these new kicks.

"pleeeeeeease dad?!?!"

"no, son"

jk. but really.....i'm not too into these anyways, we just thought we'd try them on for kicks and giggles.

more like kicks, roman tried his very best to kick them off.

no mi gusta shoes.

and then, it was with very scary abrupt news we found out the my little (yet bigger and taller than me) brother was headed to the hospital in an ambulance.......straight from his rugby game.

roman and i hoped into the car with mitch and carrie, they were headed home to lincoln on sunday, so we joined them, as that is where my brother was.........

we gave uncle donavan lots of love, after his surgery.....

turns out, his cheek bone was crushed, and was now replaced with a metal plate.

which is rather good news compared to the types of injury we thought he had at first.....

donavan doesn't even remember holding roman....hmmmm...meds.

but with our impromptu trip home,

came a lovely visit with cousin charlotte.

and we also got to work on our toddler anxiety :)

thanks for the jamiaca tank, aunt liza!

and soon enough we were headed back to KC....
but, it was just in time to see daddy off on his 7 day fishing trip to canada!!!

no no little roman, that's mommy's wine :)

our {third week} without daddy started off great. we made it to church only ten minutes late. roman did fabulous in the nursery. and sunday night, my little man took me on a date to noodles and company yep, that's right, we shared some mac and cheese on the plaza, gazing into the windows of my favorite place. then momma stopped off to rent a few chick flicks.....and soak up some last minute "stay at home mom" time with my son. because, this week, i was back to work. this week, we would start a new babysitter coming into our home. and this week mr leif was gone (oh i already mentioned that) i was very nervous for. so many new things, changes, without daddy around. so the week began 'ok', as good as it can having to return to work and leave my baby, sniff. sniff. but all too quickly a tree landed on our house in the middle of the day. broad sunlight folks. BAM! crash. boom. i thought a car drove into our house. nope. a tree. so i got to play phone tag with insurance companies :)

and then later in the week, my car got smacked in the parking lot of trader joes.

well, smack me silly, it was a crazy week!

more insurance phone tag. lucky me :)

but i'll end this on an ever so good note:

pudgy legs stuffed into cute little grey toms.

(and daddy's home! safe and sound!!!)

totally delicious.

i'm giving myself life homework.

but before i begin, thank you for the comments, messages, and texts (even from cali-forn-IA, wink*)........and like molly mentioned, whats up with da funks? i'm not sure. but, we're called to bear each other's burdens, and you've helped me by listening, praying, and validating that i'm not the only crazy lady in this world. :)
well, yesterday i wokeded up feeling great. the Lord filled me with peace while i slept.
even though the day was long, and i didn't seem my romeo until 9pm, i made it through..........even if it meant pumping while driving to my night class and then having a brief freak out moment when i realized i was sitting next to a semi truck at a stop light. but, that's where i am in life right now. balancing lot's of stuff.

i've come to the conclusion, that i hit a low, really low, and now it's time to crawl back sanity again. crawl back to a place where i feel competent. a place where i can breathe. a place where i can cross things off my to-do list like no other.

strangely, dumping out those thoughts was therapeutic. however, once i reread the post, i was a bit embarassed, and wanted to delete it. but no. it's me. it's real. it's where i am/was/still am...........

anyways, please join me in celebrating the good things in life :)
i do best with plans, tasks, and lists................ so i'm giving myself homework. tonight.

this just looks yummy. it has nothing to do with this post.

homework:
I can't take another step in this game of life without complete surrender. i'm at a point where i don't feel like i will make it through the semester. so, Prayer. like, really long prayer. on-my-knees prayer.
In thankfulness for my cozy little home, i will tidy up - not crazy, but just enough to calm my 'ick, i don't like a messy house' heart
to break free from my down in the dumps thinking, i will Write down 10 things that i am happy about. scratch that...... i will paint them onto a canvas. and i will hang it in my home.
Listen to some good music, duh.
i'll write 5 random thankyou notes to friends who might need a pick me up or just a hello.

PS. roman's babysitter is sick today. gotta call just before 6am. when it rains it pours, ey? mr leif is playing daddy daycare, hehehehe!

PSS. i was wiggled.

calm my anxious heart...

...is the name of a book written by linda dillow.

(btw......i got a new music player. and on this one, you hafta push play)

(just in case you wanted to hear a good song, or two)

hehe

it's the book that i'm reading, for a bible study i'm so graciously indulging in on wednesday nights.

after just one night........after just one chapter.........i've quickly realized it is everything and more i've been needing. it's everything and more that i've been lacking in. it's the Lord, working in me, and it's the most amazing feeling ever.

i couldn't wait to delve into chapter 2 just moments after finishing chapter 1. but when i still had to answer my questions, and memorize my verse, i decided......i'm going to stay on schedule, and just indulge in one chapter a week.

so yes. each week along with reading the chapter, we are being challenged to memorize a verse. the verse is found within the chapter :) and i'm so excited to begin memorizing. i've actually experienced quite the blessing my lifetime.......for 9 years (kindergarten through 8th grade) i was required to memorize a bible verse each week of school. you see, i went to a private/christian school growing up, and that was part of the curriculum. however, it saddens me as i've come to the realization, that i've lost so many of those verses somewhere up in my mind.......they aren't easily flowing from my lips..... but now. as an adult. i can relearn them. and they will be the treasures of my heart. golden words that will flow into the hearts of my children. (so yeah. i better get memorizing.........or the only thing that will be flowin is my rootbeer smelling breath. because, you know, i like rootbeer. and i have rootbeer floats. a lot)

back to the b-study.

calm my anxious heart. wow. just the title speaks volumes.

now is the part of the post where i wanted to link to all the anxieties i've been struggling with lately, but then i realized, i would be here til at least midnight (and its only 7:23) trying to link them all. in other words. anxiousness has consumed me lately, and its not good people.

as i look at my past. i would NEVER, yep NEVER say that i've dealt with anxiety. i've never been much of a worrier. but then, as i examined further........i realize that the Lord has blessed me with such an overflowing abundance of blessing, that i haven't been challenged to confront worry. i haven't been challenged to confront anxiety. i haven't had to. i haven't had to work towards contentment. i've been content. because the Lord has, so far, set a life before me which has been quite easy to be content with.

but now.
i am.
i am facing a battle with contentment. and i'm not winning.

however, just when i felt as if i was slowly drowning in discontentment, just when i felt like i was rounding the last curve of 300 hurdles race (which, if you haven't ran one, is brutal.......especially that last curve), the Lord swept in.

it's my intent. (notice i say intent, not plan) to post a weekly digestion of each chapter in my book. and as my heart is transformed. as it becomes content. i hope yours will too. but really.....in all seriousness........i'll pray that you, my readers, will find your contentment in him :)

ok. so that was my intro.
let's get down to business.

el chaptero uno.

paul (the author of famous books such as philippians) writes (the memory verse):

"i am not saying this because i am in need, for i have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. i know what it is to be in need, and i know what it is to have plenty. i have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want. i can do everything through him who gives me strength. philippians 4.11-13

and

did you know he wrote that as someone who's been imprissoned. in a dark and dreary dungeon, chained to a guard. (amongst being beat, misunderstood, and deserted)

i challenge you to learn that verse. tape it your mirror. do it!

......
the thing with contentment is that its something we can learn. we have to make it a happen.

contentment is infused into us through His word. if we are in his word, we become more content. it will consume us. we'll be infused. (dillow says its like a tea bag sitting in your mug, the tea gets stronger as it seeps in)

.....
how do i find contentment when i battle with such control issues? its funny isn't it, as we look at our lives. we want control, but the amount of 'uncontrollables always out-weigh the controllables'. i laugh as i think about how i find this a fault in my life. you see.....when i work with students at school, one of my goals is to channel their focus onto the things they can control..... can they control that their parents are divorced and their mom and step mom are always fighting? no. but they can control how they handle this situation in terms of their reaction and how they get through it. sooooo.......its just funny. that i preach it. but i can't do it.

i am control hungry.
i want to find the perfect childcare.
i want to finish the year and then stay home with the baby.
i want to raise the baby doing this and that and this and that.
i want.....
i want....
i want....CONTROL!

what i've realized is that through most things i can trust god. i can surrender. BUT when he seems to be moving at too slow of a pace, then i try to step in a oragnize the situation a bit, you know, make a few phone calls, miss a few prayers, take a few things into my own hands. the author, linda dillow, has helped me realize that when i'm tweaking things 'a bit' and trying to 'help god along' that i'm developing my anxious heart. i'm basically saying, and i quote her "god you're not doing what i think needs to be done, so i'll help you out!"

JI Packer says.......contentment is accepting what God sends because we know he is good, and so it is good.

i've been trying to trust. to surrender. but i'm mixing my own strength and desire in, and its not working.

when i pray, i do ask for the lord to do his will........but deep in my heart, is where my desires resinate. asking for only his will to be done is something i pretend to do, but not really do. really, what i'm usually saying is, 'lord show me your will, your plan, for our child and who will care for him. show me your will for me in my career..........but please let your will be for me to be home. ok thanks god'.

why do we think our contentment is related to circumstances? i do it all the time.

however, i learned that true contentment is seperate from our circumstances, its a state of my heart and not of affairs.

i know i've blabbed on.......
and its been quite the helter-skelter blabbling post.........
but

i want to leave you with something quite concrete.
actually 5 things.

5 things that make up a prescription for contentment, straight from linda dillow's book:

1. never allow yourself to complain about anything - not even the weather
2. never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else
3. never compare your lot with another's
4. never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise
5. never dwell on tomorrow.....tomorrow is God's, not ours.
   

thanks for letting me share.
i can't wait to nestle into chapter 2.
i can't wait to experience transformation.
i'm on my way to contentment.
i'm on my way to a calm heart.
(baby steps, people, baby steps)

this will take years.........but i've gotta start somewhere :)

grace comes in all...

...sorts of shapes and sizes.

...yesterday, mine came in the form of these two cuties :)

they brought me their sweet little notes.....

helping me see that i can't throw the towl in yet......

that my job isn't done here at school until this baby comes!

but, when littleleif arrives........i'll be missed :)

God knows when we need His help :)

and just about the time I felt so worn out....
just about the time i was ready to give up....
(because racin down these school halls is a bit tiresome for a 35 week preggo)
He came through.
He gave me grace.
and now i can keep on truckin'.
i'm glad i serve someone like that.

and by the way.....He's used my students before :)

i've been battling with this whole idea of...

...being content.

like, truly content. content from within.
and i will preface this post with the statement that contentment is a life-long battle.
at least for me.

ok so you know when you were a child in sunday school or bible school or school school or maybe your amazing parents taught you about this..........regardless of where, you learned about the putting on the armor of God.......
and that you have a belt of truth buckled round your waist, and a breastplate of righteousness in place, and your feet are fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace and the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

ok. well in my battle with contentment.........i have just really been slicin things up with my sword. seriously though.......its like i wipped out my sword and have totally stabbed this contentment argument (which is constantly going on in my mind) right in the chest. HA-gottcha.

so......to help you better understand, to explain to you my sudden new feeling of CONTENTMENT!!!!!! - to give you a window into my brain (but i'll warn you, i think too much, and over analyze, and study, and observe, and am constantly thinking......and contemplating.......it is quite scary in my brain) - you can read the discussion below. but seriously. it's vicious. and you might get a headache.

for the past year (actually my whole life) i have battled with my issue of not being content. but really, its more of a question i am always asking myself. am i not content?

• or is it that i thrive on change?
• or am i just super motivated?
• or do i have some form of adhd - like 'constantly thinking of new ideas adhd'?
• or have i not tasted the simple life so i just don't know what i am missing?

oh wait........i really do crave the simple life. i want it so bad. i want to quit my job. and say who cares about my master's degree. i want to stay home with my own kids, and not try to solve the problems of the 473 kids at school. but then.........yikes i spent all this time and money on my degree(s). would it be a waste? will i come back to counseling when my kids are grown? should i get a different job? if i finally found the perfect job would i stop wondering what i wanted to do next and just be content with that job forever? should i be a hairstylist? my sister has so much fun with that job, shouldn't i have more fun at work? why is it that 3 nights a week, every week i have something going on? can't i just come home? or is this just life? is life just always busy? oh i bet it is......and i bet i just need to get used to it? should we move - it would be fun? like move move-to a warmer place? or move back home? who's gonna watch my baby if i go back to work? can't we live by family? we miss our ne friends, should we move closer to them? we love our kc friends, wouldn't we be sad to leave them? oh that's just life right? should we just stay in our house and try harder soak up the simple life? oh the simple life. same house for at least 5 years, stay home, make dinner, clean, play with babies........sounds nice. sounds really nice. i want that. yes. that is what i want!! can i have it now? can i quit work? how soon? can we live off of one salary? can i give up my spending on things we dont absolutely need? does money ever buy me happiness?

now. a little self-disclosre. i like self-talk. a lot.
maybe it's because i have been living alone for the first time in my life, for a year, and ive learned to talk to myself (actually i have self-talked long before this year). i talk myself through stuff.......in my mind and sometimes outloud. when i am in the workroom at school, teachers make fun of me (i dont mind) because i will literally say outloud, 'ok, grab some pink paper, now some green, and then ok.....cut it in half........and then what next, oh yeah, go mail my letter, and then hmmmmm ok use the bathroom and stop by kathy's desk). now you might think its a sign of getting old. but i like to do it. and there always a million things going on in my mind. and i am always running around school. so i forget and i get overwhelmed and so i talk myself through the day :) hahahahhaah. but it is really good practice for times when i have a serious decision or dilemma, i am well practiced and talking my way through and coming up with a likeable decision.
so while self-talking i realized i was not doing the right thing. i can't self-talk (or have endless discussions in my mind) about trying to figure out this contentment thing.
i need my sword. my sword of truth.
it's like an AH HAH moment.
yo dork - you've gotta sword from the Lord (that rhymes).....now use it!

so this sword thing........its the sword of the spirit.......and i was taught that it is basically referring to the whole bible, the word of God......... so SEARCH it. and figure out this crazy contentment thing. and quit wasting time with this nonsense battle in your mind!

well now........what do we have here?!?!? quite the sharp sword(s) ey?!?!? now i've got 3 swords to stab this contentment battle. i'm like a warrior now or something. baaahahaha.

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who endures temptation (IN MY CASE not being content); for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him

1 John 2:15-17

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love to the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world-the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life-is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.

Philippians 4:11-13

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

now to adlib alittle to jordan sparks' song battlefield..........

Why does LIFE and CONTENTMENT always feel like a battlefield???? a battlefield??? a battlefield?????

I guess you better go and get your armor (get your armor), get your armor (get your armor)

(i LOVEEEEE that song)

(and its number 5 on my playlist if you wanna hear it)

and now for some justification for my crazy CRAZY mind....that is always thinking.....and analyzing.....and wondering........and confused with my whole contentment issue...... READ the quote below! i guess i'm meant for heaven.......and so are YOU :)

"if we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were meant for another another world" - C.S. Lewis