ready to write.

oh hi!

it's been so long. too too long.

too long since i've let my fingers loose on this keyboard.  and i've missed it.

there's been a gaping hole in my routine, the way i process life, and i attribute it to my absence here.

writing, for me, is my therapy.

not only do i find freedom in releasing my thoughts, my dreams, my joys and my sorrows, i also find that it fulfills my desire for a connection on a deeper level with people.

people fuel me.

being vulnerable and honest, is like fresh air to my lungs.

in this small space online, i feel free to be me.

now hold up.

before you all go, "whoa. who is this insane person and what did she do with sane lindsey?"

let me explain.

i've battled with the desire to write and write and write over this past year, but my desire has been met with the most forceful insecurity on what to share.

i'm an all or nothing kinda girl.

should i just put it all out there?

or should i just keep it in my private circle?

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

how do i boast in my weakness without being real?  

how can His power be made perfect, if i can't accept, embrace, and celebrate my areas of weakness? 

so then, i found myself with a craving to share.

but i couldn't just share my story without making it about my children, and husband, as well.

and there's a part of me that is willing to be REAL about myself, but hold back out of "respect" for my boys and my love.  i mean, who am i to reveal their messy stuff?

well, i've prayed, and stewed, and prayed, and am confident in what has been revealed to me.

I know the Lord will be glorified in my mess, if I use it to point back to Him...His perfectness...His Son who came to rescue....and His grace that so incredibly meets not only me BUT my boys, and husband, right there in our mess.

and. well.  i guess i feel like i'm blowing out my flame if i don't share it.

it's our story.  so i'm ready to share.

a good day.

today was good.
it started with the sun pouring in.
actually, since archer wakes up every 1-2 hours, there's hardly an end or beginning to these days of mine.
but when the sun comes up, i declare it the next day :)

we had a slow morning.
archer took a nap longer than 20 minutes (miracle!).
so i took a shower.
and then he wasn't crying by the time i got out (miracle!)
so i had time to blow dry my hair.  totally have no clue the last time this happened.

little arch has been sick for a while, bad cold and ear infection, but today he was on fire!
like a good fire!
squealing machine.
so happy.
oh i love him.
and i guess i love antibiotics? cuz dang they worked quick!

finally, about noon, we were all ready and dressed and groomed.

so we decided to go visit daddy.

i dread car rides with these too.  archer HATES the carseat.

my anxiety about took over somewhere between K-7 and K-10, when both kids were screaming.

but i pushed through and we made it without any major momma breakdowns.

upon arrival, romes had a potty accident right on the lobby of the office, but a quick clean up and pants change plus some nice subway sandwiches made for a mighty fine visit to daddy :)  oh, and roman gets gobs of candy from the secretary, so that always helps too.

roman didn't nap when we got home, but neighbor girl ashley doesnt start school until monday, so she came and played "workin on the house" with him (his dream, to work on the house with the neighbor girls, totally combines both of his loves)

but the nap thing..... instead he passed out on the couch at about 5:15, so when mr leif got home a bit after 6 we woke him up to go see the machines (behind our house....ahhh road construction)

we never did have dinner tonight... i think romes had some yogurt while meandering through the house for dinner, i had gobs of chocolate covered almonds and a bowl of coffee ice cream, and mr leif warmed up some left over lasagna.  archer of course had milk.

mr leif had lots of work to do, so he was off in the dining room on the computer after he gave our little snickers chunky a bath (that's archer).
i got archer to bed around 8:30. (note....archer has since woken up multiple times, ugh, and i've feed him once)
and then, it was just a romes show, he loved it.

he watched john deere for a bit, he could watch that movie forever.  the dvd has begun to wear down.  i know more about those dang machines then i could have ever imagined, purely from second hand listening.

and not long after it began, he got his machines out, and soon the living room rug was covered with back hoes, tractors, dump trucks, trash trucks, and a big red toy van.

he was driving people to get pizza, instructing that they all "sit down if you want pizza!"
and he was crashing his dump truck into archer's baby mat over and over, giggling hysterically.
he was naked, too, of course, because we're potty training over here.

but anyways.
it ended with romes finally going up to bed at 10:20.
he was happy. goofy. and a wild mess.

it was a good night.
and i just want to remember these years, these days, these moments.
i love being a momma. i love being a wife.

these days are challenging. the nights are so long.  but they are so so good.

the zoo.

if you're within a 5 hour radius of omaha, you've probably been to the ahhhhhmazing omaha henry doorly zoo.  if you haven't?  you should go.  even if you're not a huge animal fan (me) you should still go, it's just really cool.  and if you are freaked out by butterflies everywhere (me), sometimes landing on you, then just don't go into the butterfly exhibit thing.  and, if you live in kansas city (me) then just skip the KC zoo and head north to omaha.  because this zoo can not even compare.
sorry kc zoo fans.  but really, get your booty to omaha.  you'll thank me later.

but anyways, we went to the kansas city zoo a couple weeks ago.
it was so hot and sticky and muggy that day.
but we actually had a really great time.
and i didn't pack us any lunches or drinks, so we got to eat yummy zoo food! (nasty hot dog and pretzel with way too much salt!)
but romes earned himself a yummy cherry zoo slushie, so all was good in toddler land.

me, being the momma bear of the family is always trying to get us to do these "fun family things!" other mommas probably understand this kind of thing, we like to formulate radiant ideas in our mind, and think they'll be just perfect!  trips! picnics! family outings!  mostly, they're more work than we ever imagined, and mostly, one could say it's just easier to stay home, but us momma's...we like to try and make a memory or two :)

SO, it was off to the zoo!

our home.

our house is for sale.

actually, it's been for sale since october.  for 4 months.

we're staying in kansas city.  we're just praying and pursuing a different home.  

one with more room to expand our family.  and one that is a tad closer to our church family.

yes, we're the geniuses that put our house on the market right when winter strikes and the house-sale market slows way down.  but we're also the proud parents bringing in a wee little baby in march, and thought, we better try now, before things get cray cray up in herrrrrrrr.  and before we try and stuff the two kids into the same room :)  sleeping nightmare?  could be.  but hey, it could also totally work!

...

i wasn't going to write about it on here, and maybe just announce it later when we ended up moving.

but you know what? this has been such a process for my heart, for my contentment in the unknown, for releasing control, and....i want to document this part of our life

i want to look back and read about this season, and remember.

i want to remember the hard days of having a messy house, a fussy toddler, and a being sick or tired pregnant mom rushing around trying to pick up so someone can come look at the house.  sometimes happening three times a week. 

i want to remember the process of working on our budget as we look to our next potential home, whatever the size, wherever the location, as a gift from the Lord, and not as something we're entitled to because we live in America, and because we work, and because we think we deserve a nice home.

i want to remember how the Lord has humbled me as i fed myself lies, telling myself, i need more closet space so that mr leif doesn't have to hang his clothes in the living room, or a another bathroom, or a place for our guests to sleep other than the couch, 

when really, we have all we need.

He always supplies, ALL that we need.

so i'm going to write about it today, while we're smack in the middle, while we don't know the outcome.  we'll look back in a year, and see where the Lord has taken our family.  we know it could mean a different home.  or, we know it could mean being right where he already has us.  He is good, and He is the mastermind behind our little life, we are trusting in his timing.

...

so. you can't tell from this picture below, because i hid the sign, but this beautiful little home went on the market last fall.  we've had over 30 showings, sometimes 3 a week,  and still, the Lord has not provided a buyer.  and that is ok.

deep down, we don't really want to leave our home.

we've spent almost 5 years here.

so much love and hard work has been poured into this little house, to make it our home...

mr leif has spent countless hours building things, remodeling things, and keeping up with all the maintanence that a home built in 1949 requires.

and, even more dear to our hearts, it's where lots, and lots, and lots of memories have been made here.

it's where we started our family and it's where i braved the scary first years of becoming a momma :) 

it's within these walls, that our marriage has grown, we've taken our bff status to a whole new level.

and, it's where we've had longggg discussions, on how we will possibly make ends meet this month, just to follow them up with prayers of thanksgiving the following month, as we've seen the Lord meet our needs so faithfully.

it's where we've taken on big projects, and squeezed them into our budget, and it's where a daddy and son relationship has bloomed into a beautiful gift :)

it's where we've celebrated life, and it's where prayers have been answered :)

and, it's where we've been blessed to be surrounded with creation :)

but, we're open to moving.  we're praying.  and pursuing.

we live about 30 minutes from the majority of our church family.

 and as our family expands, i've realized how much i am leaning on them for support, for friendship, for my social life, for fellowship :)  we don't have any family around, so they are IT, they are our family.  and we long to be closer. hauling two little kids around the city isn't always the most convenient, or gas-friendly!  living near them would be a gift.

and yes. some more space would be nice.  not necessary, but nice. more space would be a gift.

could we make it work here in this little home forever? yes!

can we continue to fill this home with children and love and good times?  you betcha!

i think about all those apartment dwellers in NYC, they squeeze their little fams right in!

we're trying to take things one day at a time, but sometimes, this house on the market thing is just plain exhausting!  

especially with a wild, messy, toddler and a preggo momma, and NO family around to lean on.

on any given moment of the day, my house looks like this in almost every room:

and then, we get a phone call and are notified of a showing at such and such a time.  so then, i race around cleaning up, and roman races around tearing things apart.  we do a quick wipe down, lay out fresh towels, vacuum up a bit, and rush out in the nick of time.  sometimes, the showings are during meal time.  this isn't too budget friendly, because most of the time we've ended up needing to eat out.

romy doesn't mind though :)

but sometimes?  sometimes the showing is smack dab in the middle of his naptime.  actually a lot of the time.  so then i have pick up the house with a cranky kid, and then drive around while he sleeps, and pray that i can transfer him in to continue his nap after the hour has passed and we return home.

and then i realize... 

those are SO first world "problems."

it's a heart check, every single day.

am i pursuing control, or contentment.

and pretty soon, we'll have a baby.  so who knows, maybe we'll just stay here for a while longer.

maybe we'll be moving right when the baby comes. HA!  maybe we'll move this summer? maybe we'll wait a couple more years?   maybe maybe, baby.  it's limbo.

and it's trying to drive me crazy, but i'm not letting it.

paul tells us in philippians 4.7 that the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard our hearts and our minds...and then in verse 8, he tells us to meditate on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable.
no where does it say to worry.

i repeat to myself, all day long,
"fix my eyes on things above, look to the heavens, where my heart is-there will be my treasure also"
over and over.

i want to share with you a quote that is helping me work through this season and my battle to want control ALL.OF.THE.THINGS. on my own:

‎"When a woman has a kingdom heart, she has an active understanding of what matters most to the heart of God. She lives in the balance of passion and contentment. She learns to love well, give without regard to self, and forgive without hesitation. The woman with a kingdom heart may have a duffel bag full of possessions or enough treasures to fill a mansion, but she has learned to hold them with an open hand. Hold everything with open hands. I don't think we are ever allowed to grab hold of anything or anyone as though they matter more than the kingdom of heaven. When you hold your dreams with open hands, you get to watch God resurrect what seemed dead and multiply what seemed small." 
- - - from the book "A Beautiful Offering", by Angela Thomas {an awesome book!}

love well.
give without regards to self.
forgive without hesitation.
hold whatever possessions i have with an open hand.
pursue a kingdom heart.
amen.

weekend update.

when i taught 2nd grade, each monday morning the students filled out a weekend update.

they had to list three things they did over the weekend.  in complete sentences.  sometimes in cursive.

i was always amazed at how some of them couldn't remember what they did over the weekend.

i would try and pull it outta them.  what did you eat?  it was nice out...did you go outside?  was your family around?  did you go see your dad?  did you go to church?  and still many times, blanks.

and though i was frustrated at their lack of weekend reflection.  i understand.  

if i don't slow down, and intentionally make time to remember, to reflect, then i, too, roll on without remembering.  it's what i love about blogging.  it has become a form of reflection, while documenting our ordinary, dysfunctional, sometimes crazy, full-o-fun life.  

it forces me to peruse through photos, jot a few things down, and bam, it's there.  a memory.

...

in honor of my second graders, who worked so hard at completing their weekend update, i give you:

our weekend update.

{i include friday, because, well, friday is always a celebration day, marking another weekend is just around the corner}

 friday mornin >> romes & i loaded up in the car, and we were off.  doin what we do best: garage sales.

i never know what i'm searching for.  i suppose it's the search that gets me goin.

sometimes i find random furniture that might have a cute spraypainted future in my home.

and sometimes, a cute skirt.

this friday, i found both.  and you better believe the bench is in the process of being fixed up.

and the skirt? i wore that out friday night.

winner winner chik-fil-a dinner.

 then. romes and i were off on a jaunt in the stroller. our destination? sonic.

they have ice cream cones for a buck.  and roman just had to show me how he bites right into it.

dude's got warrior teeth.

and he also screamed any time i tried to have a lick.

dude's got some sharing issues when it comes to his ice cream.

 

 and friday night was bitter sweet.  we had to say goodbye to some dear. sweet. amazing. god fearing. jesus loving. grace celebrating friends. and really, the adjectives could go on.  

and as beautiful as they are on the outside {that's their little J up there!}, the huggins are just as beautiful on the inside, and this next journey is just another step in their journey to their final destination. 

 one we'll get to share someday :)

2nd photo :: {earlier in the week we got to send molly off in prayer, fondu, and heartfelt girl talk}

 saturday   >>   mr leif and i were craving a good breakfast.  but neither of us felting like cooking.

answer to our little dilemma?  the plaza.  we hit up [in.gre.dient] and ordered the same thing.

belgian waffle.  blueberries.  strawberries.  whipped cream.  oh, and syrup.

romes chilled like it was his job.  he can sit in a chair now, nbd.

 and then, we were off to people watch explore.  

first stop?

any fountain we could find.

and when we were sick of just staring at the fountains...barely getting our fingies wet?

 momma let her germophobe/fear-of-fountain-water-bacteria/let's-all-stay-clean guard down,

and romes got wet.

like, soaked.

[a bath was in order asap upon returning home]

and obvi, after having all that fun, roman screamed almost the entire 4 block walk to the car.  

dude didn't wanna leave the wa-wa {water}

 mr leif and romes spent the rest of the afternoon doing yardwork. 

momma spent it sunning.  with her favie book at the moment.  and a brewsky.

 by late afternoon we had some guests. casey's little brothers and step dad ventured to the big city.

they had to pick up their brand new puppy :) we jumped for joy when they asked to spend the night,

and romy practically peed his pants when he saw they brought a puppy.

so, to calm him down. we had him do some yoga.  and little puppy [duke is his name!] joined in too.

downward dog, anyone?

 we ended the night, as any summer night should.

family. firepits. and smores.

one of the best combos out there.

 by the time they left, romes had a new best friend.  i'm still hearing requests for "puppy?! puppy?!" 

every single day.

and then, mr leif and i ended our weekend [embarassingly] with a most recent episode of the kardashians, and a budlight lime.  that scott disick.  he's a crackup. 

call us lame, call us crazy, call us whatevayawant.  we like watchin the kardashians. HA!

yikes.

and there ya have it folks.

another weekend in the books.