the zoo.

if you're within a 5 hour radius of omaha, you've probably been to the ahhhhhmazing omaha henry doorly zoo.  if you haven't?  you should go.  even if you're not a huge animal fan (me) you should still go, it's just really cool.  and if you are freaked out by butterflies everywhere (me), sometimes landing on you, then just don't go into the butterfly exhibit thing.  and, if you live in kansas city (me) then just skip the KC zoo and head north to omaha.  because this zoo can not even compare.
sorry kc zoo fans.  but really, get your booty to omaha.  you'll thank me later.

but anyways, we went to the kansas city zoo a couple weeks ago.
it was so hot and sticky and muggy that day.
but we actually had a really great time.
and i didn't pack us any lunches or drinks, so we got to eat yummy zoo food! (nasty hot dog and pretzel with way too much salt!)
but romes earned himself a yummy cherry zoo slushie, so all was good in toddler land.

me, being the momma bear of the family is always trying to get us to do these "fun family things!" other mommas probably understand this kind of thing, we like to formulate radiant ideas in our mind, and think they'll be just perfect!  trips! picnics! family outings!  mostly, they're more work than we ever imagined, and mostly, one could say it's just easier to stay home, but us momma's...we like to try and make a memory or two :)

SO, it was off to the zoo!

a slump.

i've been in a slump.

i looked up slump in the dictionary, well, dictionary.com, and it says it means to fall or sink suddenly.

that's what's happened.  i've been falling and sinking, and though there are so SO many good things going on, and so MANY good moments happening, the sinking is still happening too.

one could call it post partum stuff, or maybe it has to do with my low iron + a baby who is waking up every 2-3 hours for almost 5 months now, or my ever worrying mind about my decreasing milk supply, or maybe it's my toddler that stretches me so thin i feel like i'll break.  maybe it's all those things.  regardless of what you want to call it, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, or a slump?.... it's consuming and some days, it takes everything i have just to make it through the day.

i can sit here and list what i'm grateful for. and the list would pour onto the floor.
it would overflow with abundance of gifts and blessings and love and support.
it would make me feel good, and it does.

but then something happens when the baby cries and i can't get him to fall asleep and the toddler spills all the crackers on the floor, steps on them, and then screams at me because he's hungry.  something happens when i look around in this house, and though we've lived here for almost 5 months, it still doesn't quite feel like home.  something happens when i watch the clock and it ticks so slowly until my mr leif gets home at 6pm.  something happens when i try to leave the house and the baby screams in the car, which makes the toddler scream in the car, which makes me want to cry and just turn around and stay home.  something happens when i open up my tub of clothes and try on those jeans again, the ones i wore before sweet archer came, and they still don't fit, actually, nor do any of the shirts. and the scale? something happens when i step on it and it just sits at that number, never lowering, and though i can be told, "but you just had a baby 5 months ago!" it doesn't comfort me, and my unhealthy view of body image.  and something happens when think of all those things, and i get angry at myself for not handling this better, for feeling so pathetic, for letting these things consume me and swallow me.  why can't i overcome this?  i'm a believer...are christians supposed to feel this way?  and where's my joy?  that joy that's unspeakable?
and when all of those things keep happening - it makes those blessings get foggy.
it covers up my gratitude and overwhelms me with a feeling of, i can't do this.

i want to write more in this space.  i desire to write every day.
i want to pour my heart out, unleash my mind, and let my fingers flow with what's inside.
but it's not always cute.  or funny.  or worthy of publishing.
and i feel frozen when i can't be real.
if i continue to try and ignore what's going on in my heart, and just write about all the good stuff? then for me, it's not worth writing at all.
i want my children to read about my hard days too.
i want them to see that life is weary.
and i want to show that i am so so broken.

and then i want to do one thing, and one thing only, i want to point up.
to christ.

i want to share that i am struggling, and my only way out is to breathe in gulps of His living water.
i want to share that it's ok to be weak, and that it draws us closer to our Father, and when we are weak, it stirs up His compassion.
i want to share that though i am delicate, i am grounded in truth, and when your foundation is on solid ground, you will flourish.

motherhood is so refining.
marriage is work.
life is hard.

but, oh my.  oh my, oh my. it's beautiful.
it's good.
it's lovely.
it's so SO sweet.

i look at my husband and am in awe by how much love i can have for this man.
i look at my children and overwhelmed with how my heart beats for them.
and, i look at my life and even though i see so much good, i also see the bad, and together, they paint the most beautiful picture of a sinner, running and clinging to the only hope we have in our Savior.
i see his grace, and i see it pour out from the moment i hear the baby cry, to the countless times my toddler wears me thin.  he sees me weak, and weary, and he pours his grace down upon my broken attempts to mother.  and he meets me in my mess, and together, we love these children.  and together we serve my husband.

these trials that happen to us believers, they are so good. so SO good.
it's through them that we hear the Father whispering, Come to me, come to me, come...
His vast ocean of love is so big, i can not comprehend.
and when we are weary, and weak, then he is so very strong.

i'm meditating on proverbs 18:10 today,
the name of the lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it and are safe.
amen?

>>> scenes from the leif house <<<

and, loving this

my little archer man, 4 months old

you're 4 months old.

i don't know how this is happening.

you're getting way too big, way too fast.

you're not a very good sleeper... like, at all.

but i promised you a couple days ago, that if you would stay this size forever, then i would accept sleepless nights forever.  yes, it would be worth it.

i want you on my hip foreva eva.

you'z the cutest accessory in all the land my little archer man.

the way you arch your eyebrows, heh, who know our archer, would have such bright eyes from arched brows.  seems about perfect.

YOU are perfect.

i kiss your cheeks, your belly, your hands, your legs and your piggies on an hourly basis.

your big brother is an identical twin to daddy,

but you? you have a look of your own.

we could say you have some of my features, but truly, you're just a cute little button all on your own.

oh archer, i'm madly in love with you.

maybe it's this whole second time around thing or something, but dang gina, you make us want thousands of babies (actually just one or maybe two more).  but really, you are a treasure to our family.

some stats for momma's memory

:::

you're a chunker, weighing 17 pounds (5 days short of 4 months!)

you've taken me through the ringer with feeding you... but now, you are an exclusive breast feeder (hi high school archer!  hope this doesn't embarrass you!) but really, you couldn't make up your mind for a while, and now i can't get you to take a bottle (which hinders my social life, #momproblems)

you are rollin over!!  you don't mind your tummy either, just usin' those strong arms to hold your cute little head up!!!  but just slow down.  i don't want you to crawl anytime soon.  ok? ok!

you're a gnawing machine.  your fist, your little sophie giraffe, blankies, and any time i lean in to nibble your cheeks you try to eat me too.  the drool is pooling out these days, so you must be teething!  i'm thinking about getting you an amber necklace.  sometimes i try to be all hippie like, and then i go and eat a giant bowl of ice cream with hot fudge, and about 3 packs of fruit snacks and all hippie status goes out the window.

you squeal.  like screeching squeals.  and  you do it in delight.  and i am SO excited for you to start talking because i think you will be so cute and funny!  i love your squeals.  you have a great range, perhaps you have a career in singing my love? we shall see... we shall see  (your dad would be happy if you would just be on the line with your big bro. settttt HIKE!)

you also scream really high pitched when you are sad, errrr MAD.  you can get really mad.  and you refuse to eat and sleep and you just scream.  whoooooof!  it's a doozy 'round here when you let our your shrilling screaming cries.  but we still love you.  you're a rather cute screamer.

you've started grunting when you want your momma.  you see me, and you want me, so you grunt til you get me.  and i don't mind one bit.  i love to be grunted at :) HA!  but really, it's pretty unexplainable, the love i feel for you my sweet dear archer man.  you've stolen my heart.

i'll love you forever

your momma :)

our kansas city june.

we spent about one week of june in kansas city.

we came home from the wedding, hung out for a week, and then took off for nebraska!

but it was a full week.

and thus, it shall be documented :)

. . .

archer spent the week getting cuter,

and roman spent the week becoming more funny.

archer perfected the brother punch,

and romes went to the dentist for the first time!

gpa don came to visit and went to daddy's softball game with us,

romes spent the whole game adventuring with his buddy jairus.

gpa don read bed time stories to romes,

and daddy came home from work and mommy thought, dang, he's cute.

mommy took millions of pictures of archer man.

no really, 

i have uncontrollable snap syndrome

 i can't help it!

 he's just so yummy.

and he also looks kind of like a baby bird.

chirp chirp little archer.

naked baby!

and eeeeeeeeek!!!!  

he started scooting off his little play mat!

we spent the week snuggling and catching up on sleep from the wedding week

and romes stepped out in style to make his daddy's father's day gift

my little picasso strikes again.

our traditional daddy day canvas, by romy joe.

it was a crazy busy week full of laundry and re organization of the house and trying to get back on schedule with our lives . . . and then packing and preparing to spend 3 weeks in nebraska.

whew.

kansas city june, you were a crazy one!