our little roman.

well, hello  :)  

i have to tell you, i've had all these pictures of roman, just sitting in this post, for about 3 weeks now.

and i've began writing multiple posts to go with them,

but i never finish them, i come back to finish, and decide to rewrite it,

and then i don't finish that one either, and the cycle continues.

so.  i'm going to stop the cycle madness.

and just let my fingers flow with typing, as they slowly open up the door to my thoughts.

...

  if i could just freeze time right now.

and life was just the three of us? well, and baby too :)

and we were just sitting in the living room building legos, happy as ever?

and we could do this every day for the rest of our lives?

and you wouldn't grow up. 

and we wouldn't have to deal with other stuff?

well, then my sweet son.  it would be a perfect world.

 you see, like so many children, amongst his energetic, life-loving self, little Romy has another side to him.
one that's confusing to us.
of course pictures don't show it.

because, well, when he's having a moment.  it's not like i'm thinking about pulling the camera out.

and i've been hesitant to talk about it, because i know that no child is perfect.  they all have their moments, ones you wouldn't choose to photograph.  but sometimes, there's something that pulls on your momma heart a little bit stronger.
sort of like when your child isn't sleeping well and is fussy.  and you just know it must be an ear infection.  and then. you go to the doc.  and you're right.  double ear infection.
it's that momma instinct.
that's what i'm feeling.

 some days will be hard.  i know this.  it's part of parenting.
but sometimes things happen that really overwhelm me....
like when we practically got asked to leave the hair salon yesterday, because little roman can't quite handle/process the noise and the act of getting his hair cut.  

or seeing roman struggle in our PT/OT therapy session this morning, 

i'm sort of just bleehhh. and overwhelmed. and tired.

i mean, i knew that parenting didn't come with a manual.
but sometimes you just really want a manual :)

oh romy.  you thrive at home.  with your momma.

and while you do have a small group of kids that you "trust"..... for the most part?
we'll just say social situations aren't your forte.  

it's been a confusing and frustrating road for me.
and, well, trying to help you process the sensory overload of certain noises? i'm in new territory.

i've shook off my insecurities, thinking people probably just assume i baby him,
and now i am certain, i have a momma instinct that is telling me to advocate for my child.
because, it's my job.

so, along with physical therapy to help your intoeing [pigeon toes!]
you also go to occupational therapy for your sensory processing needs.

they both take place at the same clinic, and these women are gifts.  

they're blessings that have swooped in and wrapped arms of knowledge, care, and empathy right around you.  and me.
i'm more thankful than words can describe, for the therapists and their ability to see your needs, and that they share a concern for them with me

but at the same time, i'm confused. and worried. 

however, i'm learning to slowly turn my worries over to the Lord.  to losen my momma grip.

and though it might just be one finger at a time,  i can feel with each moment of release, that the Lord doesn't skip a beat.
He so smoothly slips right in, and takes over.

calming my heart.  reassuring me He's right here, and that our life isn't supposed to be easy.
did i just think this momma gig would be a cinch?

when i read romans 5, i can't help but smile, as i think if the struggles i've  come through in my role as a momma so far, to our little roman.  and i can't help but have hope.

because i need help, i struggle.  i need a savior.

but when i suffer, i learn how to persevere, and that builds character.  and through that, i can hope.

and to hope is a gift.

my savior died for me.  not because i had it all together, and rocked at this thing called life.

nope!  he died for me because i stink at life.  and i need him to rescue me.

i guess for me, once again, it confirms why we hit bumps in the road.

if we didn't have bumps?  we wouldn't need a savior, no need to be rescued.

and sometimes those bumps are just a really big pot hole.

and, that's where i'm finding myself at the moment.

one. giant. parenting. pothole.  

i know we'll be on our way again soon, out of this "hole".

and i know it's just part of parenting - one decision after another :)

but, right now thoughts are swarming.

this morning at his therapy we talked a bit about the future.

meaning, we began talked about school for romes and what our plans were.  

yikes. i thought he was still my baby?! :)

ahhh.  why is parenting so scary?  can't i just stick to figuring out how to cure his diaper rash, and not have to think about how to help him process the sound of another child's loud voice without freaking out?

obvi.  way too many lots questions are bouncing around in my brain.

so.  there's my thoughts.  all splattered out in this post.

giving you a glimpse into our lives at the moment.

 and maybe you find yourself struggling too.

if so, hopefully reading about mine, will help you feel not so alone.

i know romes was knit together fearfully and wonderfully.  i know these issues are more mine than his.

and while we are most definitely in a state of decision making, worry, and prayer,

don't you worry - - - we're still having fun.

this momma done went and became a circus groupie this week.

yep.

tuesday, we tracked those elephants down and watched them hop off the circus train.

wednesday, we went and had lunch with the grey beasts.

and this weekend?  we're goin to see'em in action.  

we know what lights up our little guy's eyes.

and we won't let scary big parenting issues get in the way of enjoying the animals.

about a year ago, i was in such a low place - - - the tug at my heart to stay home with my child was raging, more than i'll ever be able to explain.  little did i know at the time, the Lord would eventually answer my prayers :)

and now, look back on this past year, me as a full time momma at home. and romes as a full time one year old?
i can't think of any place i'd rather be, then right here.

at home,

raising my child,

making these difficult parenting decisions,
sometimes making grilled cheese for lunch 4 out the 5 days a week,

and of course, learning about every truck that ever exists.

we might just have a really long shaggy mullet because we can't seem to cut that hair, 

but hotdang.  we'll master the sound an elephant makes, even if it means stalking the circus.

...
and now you get 74 gold stars if you read this whole post.  yikes. i didn't realize it was this long.

i compared, shame on me.

for some reason, when toddlers start toddling around, it's like they all of the sudden develop this sense of entitlement at the same time.

little romes feels entitled to everything in the house.

every door, it must be opened.

every drawer, it must be played in.

every bottle of lotion, moroccan oil, dry shampoo, ketchup, and lime juice, he must grab...run...and hide them in his domain: under his slide.

and,

if i don't open those doors, and drawers, and allow him to pump that moroccan oil all over the floor?

he retaliates.

i set a limit, set a boundary, and don't let him have his way?

he gives me the tears, oh...those tears, and currently his tantrum is to clinch his body and let out a "NO!"

what??? wait,

no, no, no, not myyyyyyy kid.

i mean, i'm going parent him so intentionally, he'll comply with my requests, i just know it!! right?!

HA!

HA!

and, HA!

there would be no need for Jesus and his SAVING grace, if we could orchestrate things {especially parenting} to work out "just right".

last night, some dear friends of ours invited us over for dinner.

mr leif was working late, so romy and i trekked over together.

our sweet friends have a little girl who is about one year older than romy.

and while we had our "girl/momma time"....chatting, laughing, sitting criss cross on the living room floor, their little girl sat right with us in our circle, occasionally getting a toy to play with.

but romes?

it's like he envisioned their house as a race track.

he bounced around, running from corner to corner.

pull all the books out!

dump all the puzzles!

throw the puzzle pieces!

i asked him multiple times, i picked him up and carried him over multiple times, but he would only sit for a moment, and back up, running from room to room, causing "damage" to their shelves :)

and while i know, this is "boy behavior"

i can't help but do the biggest no-no out there, compare.

i sat there, comparing our children.

why can't mine sit nicely?

why can't mine calm down just a tad?

why can't mine......

yuck.

shame on me.

i knew as soon as the thoughts began, i was going down the wrong path.

how dare i compare my little romy, when he was so "fearfully and wonderfully made."

how dare i compare my little romy, when he was "knit together" so perfectly.

about 95% of the time, i'm so happy that my little romes is bouncing off the walls with so much energy. we chase each other, we hide, we run around at the park and through the house. it's fun. we soak it up. i don't mind it. exhausted? yes, but it's just fun. and it truly doesn't bother me. but the other 5% of me.....tends to let my mind wonder....and, the educator in me always jumps far too ahead, "will he ever be able to sit in a desk?" "will his teachers be annoyed?" i saw those things happen, and it's not fair to children. i know, you probably think i'm crazy. and, well, i am. but i wanted to share this because even though i'm exhausted at the end of the day, roman has this zest for life, when he plays with his trucks and his animals? it makes my heart so happy. and i know that there are so many other mommas there that struggle with the comparison game, just as i. we know we shouldn't do it, but sometimes it just happens. we're human. it's time to start dismissing those thoughts. our children are beautiful gifts. while they're just as sinful as we are, and while it's just in their nature to have those tantrums or noncompliance - especially when you're visiting another home , it's my job to mold him, to pray for him, and to give him grace, as he gets his energy out :) ... last night, i lay in bed, and said to mr leif, "i'm just exhausted. sometimes taking roman to a friend's house for dinner is more work than it is enjoyable." and then it was silent. he does that, mr leif, he kills me with silence sometimes. but good things always come from the quiet. and then, it hit me, so i started rambling again......."i'm just so grateful for new mercies each morning, even though i can barely keep my eyelids open right now, i KNOW i'll be ready to go in the morning! rested and ready to jump into the day" God is so good. and those mercies came. today is a new day :)

we are capable.

after mr leif spent a week working in wichita......

our dear friends, mitch and carrie - the newlyweds, came to visit for the weekend.

and obviously, we had a blast.

gojo's is now becoming "our spot"

dance parties in the living room, will be "our thing"

and i guess we'll add

"smacking bees" to the list now too........

yikes....major flash cell phone pic.

we even took the romester shopping....but mr leif wouldn't let him get these new kicks.

"pleeeeeeease dad?!?!"

"no, son"

jk. but really.....i'm not too into these anyways, we just thought we'd try them on for kicks and giggles.

more like kicks, roman tried his very best to kick them off.

no mi gusta shoes.

and then, it was with very scary abrupt news we found out the my little (yet bigger and taller than me) brother was headed to the hospital in an ambulance.......straight from his rugby game.

roman and i hoped into the car with mitch and carrie, they were headed home to lincoln on sunday, so we joined them, as that is where my brother was.........

we gave uncle donavan lots of love, after his surgery.....

turns out, his cheek bone was crushed, and was now replaced with a metal plate.

which is rather good news compared to the types of injury we thought he had at first.....

donavan doesn't even remember holding roman....hmmmm...meds.

but with our impromptu trip home,

came a lovely visit with cousin charlotte.

and we also got to work on our toddler anxiety :)

thanks for the jamiaca tank, aunt liza!

and soon enough we were headed back to KC....
but, it was just in time to see daddy off on his 7 day fishing trip to canada!!!

no no little roman, that's mommy's wine :)

our {third week} without daddy started off great. we made it to church only ten minutes late. roman did fabulous in the nursery. and sunday night, my little man took me on a date to noodles and company yep, that's right, we shared some mac and cheese on the plaza, gazing into the windows of my favorite place. then momma stopped off to rent a few chick flicks.....and soak up some last minute "stay at home mom" time with my son. because, this week, i was back to work. this week, we would start a new babysitter coming into our home. and this week mr leif was gone (oh i already mentioned that) i was very nervous for. so many new things, changes, without daddy around. so the week began 'ok', as good as it can having to return to work and leave my baby, sniff. sniff. but all too quickly a tree landed on our house in the middle of the day. broad sunlight folks. BAM! crash. boom. i thought a car drove into our house. nope. a tree. so i got to play phone tag with insurance companies :)

and then later in the week, my car got smacked in the parking lot of trader joes.

well, smack me silly, it was a crazy week!

more insurance phone tag. lucky me :)

but i'll end this on an ever so good note:

pudgy legs stuffed into cute little grey toms.

(and daddy's home! safe and sound!!!)

totally delicious.

all figured out?

as with any new job, the first day is an adjustment.

when we got back home from denver, a couple weeks ago, i had my first official day of summer as a "stay at home mom".

all day, all night, all the next day, and the next day and the next day, etc... would be spent with my baby.

feed him, change him, play with him, put him down for a nap, repeat. repeat. repeat.

there would be no break, other then when mr leif came home from work and would play with little romes while i finished dinner.

dinner? say what??!

yes, i began cooking.

and cleaning!

and doing laundry regularly!

i took on the life of a wife and mom to the fullest.

non stop, i charged ahead.

i kept waiting for the moment i would think, "ugh. that work thing wasn't so bad. it gave me a break from the little romester. and time away from the house".....

it never came.

it hasn't come.

i know there will be plenty of days for the next month of my summer break where i will be "done!" and when i will wish i could pass the child off to someone else for just a bit.

but for now?

i'm embracing this life.

but as i mentioned in the beginning, there is adjustment.

just two weeks ago, roman was refusing to eat baby food.

however, i had to keep trying......

so, it was put him in his seat, get out some baby food or mash up my own, roman stares at it, and even smiles, then i try to feed him, and it's immediate press the lips together and arch the back. i tried airplanes.

i tried weird noises.

i tried crazy dance moves.

i tried all three together.

nothin.

what?! oh no!!!?

it hit me very quickly, "I have to do this 3 times a day. every day. forever...??!!!!!!!!"

then next, it was get him out of the seat, wash him up. wash the seat. wash the table. wash the spoon. clean up the food.......just so i can do it again in another couple of hours??? and there was NO achievement. no satisfaction. no, "my baby ate well!" feeling.

all that for defeat and frustration?

why did i say i wanted four kids again?

but the next day came, and then the next day.

and then i began trying this new way of meal time for roman, and i found some success.

ahhhhh......that's better.

i'm getting my groove on with this whole motherhood thing.

last night, when we put roman in his little seat for dinner, mr leif asked what he was going to eat tonight? (our dinner, tilapia, was a seasoned with non-kid friendly ingredients) and....

waaaa-laaaa! guess who pulled out an already prepared meal for roman???

boo-yaaa.

me.

while he took his afternoon nap, i prepared his dinner plate.

convenience.

now, i am not trying to give myself 36 gold stars.

however, i found some success.

success amongst lots of frustration and failure.

i know that this success is just temporary though, as with any "good thing" here on earth.

it lasts for a bit, and then the newness wears off, it begins to wear out, and we no longer revel in what we once thought was so good.

roman is already sick of his toys. each morning we bust out the two tubs of toys and it all goes great. then by lunchtime. he could care less about them.

so we get out the kitchen stuff. those, too, only last for a little while.

so it's off to the park, or the pool, or target, or hobby lobby.

we do what we can.

this morning he threw a fit during breakfast and refused to eat what he had just previously snarfed down the day before.

but i know success will come again.

going through the little trials, helps me. i know there is always light at the end.

when he had a fever, i knew he would eventually recover.

when he refused to eat breakfast, i knew we would try again at lunch.

when he was screaming in his crib, i knew his needs were met (fed, changed, burped) and he would eventually find his sleep.

during the midst of the crazy times, it's hard to think clearly.

what mom can make a calm decision when her children are screaming?!

but it happens.

we follow our instinct and before we know it, they're munching on that banana again.

the one they just threw across the room in a fit of despair.

the lord couldn't use a better tool then motherhood to refine women.

i know i won't have constant success with mothering, if i did, how would i learn?

i know things won't go easy, if they did, how would i rely on Him then?

i know there will be mistakes and failures, if there weren't, how would i reach out in prayer?

earlier, roman fell and bumped his mouth.

maybe he's teething again, but it's been a rough morning, all. morning. long.

i swiped him up, and when he wouldn't cuddle, drink a bottle, or be calmed in any other way,

i stopped. and prayed.

lord, please give me the patience and grace to get through this day. and dear jesus, please give roman some peace.

i am predicting many more prayers, just like that, for the next 25 years....and beyond.

having children throws you at the frontlines of a battlefield.

i suppose i should put my armor on.

but dang.

isn't he cute?

:)

cheers to a better afternoon!

i'm off to go make roman some lunch while he naps!

then it's off to switch the laundry and mop the floor!

quick now! i only have so much time!!!

a charge from the Father.

becoming a parent is the most beautiful transformation. ever.
when you marry, you do take on a new role as wife/husband, yes, but parenthood truly transforms you. its a change you undergo, that affects you for the rest of your life.

i've come to realize, while recognizing its time to get intentional about parenting, that the Lord very clearly lays out a charge for us.

it isn't just, "be fruitful and multiply.........and have pizza on friday nights, and occassionally put your kids in time out."
nope.

over and over again the Lord makes it clear that we have a very important responsibility to train our children. through scriptures. in love. and discipline.

discipline is a scary word.
it is not one to take lightly.
and when i'm standing in front of the Lord someday, will i have lived out deuteronomy 6? will i have lived and breathed the scriptures to my children? will i have impressed them on my children? will i have spoken truths of Jesus to them at home, when we were away, as we went to bed, and when we woke up? did i tie the words of the Lord onto my hands, bind them to my forehead, and write them onto the doorframes of our home?

it's not just about babywise. or having the happiest baby on the block.

it's how i will react to their first temper tantrum in target,
it's how we will decide if they can watch the latest show for kids on tv,
it's deciding where to send the kids to school,
it's who we allow them to play with,
it's how we react when they tell us, "no!"
it's when they give us an attitude,
it's how we handle it when they won't pick up their mess,
it's what to do when they bite someone, or hit, or push others.

the responsibility in raising children is a heavy one.
but we are not alone.

i look forward to sharing what's working for me with others, and.............what's not working, the horror stories, the meltdowns.
i look forward to hearing your's.
it takes a village to raise a child.

thankfully we've been given a handbook, God's word.

on sunday we baptized roman. it was beautiful.

then, we all sang jesus loves you.

i am praying that my hands, my mouth, and my mind would work together to glorify the Father in raing our children. i'm praying mr. leif will lead us with strong hands, wisdom, and a compassionate heart.

i think parenthood will be quite a rollercoaster, and we've just buckled our seatbelt to begin :)

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Deuteronomy 11:18-19 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.

Proverbs 13:24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.