my brain is working again.

as i opened up the fridge today, staring at each shelf,

intently searching for just the right snack,

the one that might appeal to that darn sweet tooth....

or the one that might strike up my cheesy side.....

perhaps, the one that might load me up carb-style,

i realized something.

how full my mind is.

ideas are flowing.

one thought to another.

thinking, wondering, pondering.

{and i'm not talking about pinterest ideas.}

{these aren't diy ideas, folks}

{these are real life, WOW God...you're speaking to me, ideas}

i've never really slowed down [in life] to experience this.

but i knew i wanted to.

i remember, wishing SO badly that life would relax a bit.

and though, as a momma of a toddler boy ON.THE.GO, i'm not necessarily slowing down physically.......

i'm definitely not strung out in 8 different places anymore.

rather, i'm learning to be intentional about just a few.

when i was working, and going to school, and being and mom, and a wife, and well....a sister, a daughter, and a friend? i was tapped out. emotionally.

i could attend here and there, but really?

truly?

i was surviving.

survival mode.

get up, get dressed. feed the baby. pack the bags.

speed over to day care. rush off to work. leave work, some nights, off to class.

home to cuddle baby, eat something. shower. goodnight.

repeat.

lots of times.

truth is though?

i thrived. i thrive with having to compete.

and for a while there, i was competing with life.

every day was a marathon, and when i hit the pillow, i knew it would happen again the next day.

now let's be real, most have it way more tough than that.

some are battling illness, or balancing the schedules of multiple children, or single-momming it, or whatever other trying things there are going on out there....

but,

for me?

i was at my max with thriving.

though i was making it through.

that's all i was doing.

the motions.

now, however, i've discovered that something so significant was missing.

my thought process.

i didn't know what it was like to truly think or ponder.

i didn't meditate on His precepts.

i just acted. go. go. go.

but now?

i'm learning what it's like to be still.

thinking, pondering.

it's as if i can breathe a bit better.

.....

i've been wanting to blog like crazy,

but i'm torn between what to put out there and what to keep in the comfort of paper and pen, in the privacy of my own journal.

the intention of blogging......for me?

what is it that i'm after.

i don't know.

for the most part?

it's an outlet.

even as i type now, my fingers just go, and half the time i wonder if what i'm saying is crazypants.

i don't picture a particular reader, or audience.

i don't hope to be the next megablogger.

i just type when i have a moment.

i suppose i'll just keep on, keepin on.

i do however have one guideline for 2012:

"may the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, o Lord, my ROCK, and my REDEEMER."

psalm 19.14

and because this post wasn't random enough.

or just in case you are bored out of your mind with my rambling.

here's entirely way to many photos that i've dumped from my phone.

let's get you up to speed with the life of the leif's here folks.

before the holiday craziness.....birthday celebrations! and painting with friends! and sitting in cars at costco! and radiating with joy over the littles singing at church!

and in the heart of holiday prep......running errands with mom in my christmas sweater! and reading books with daddy by the tree! and trying on mommy's old high school volleyball shorts! and picking up a prime rib for dinner! [YUCK. i don't like raw meet] and trying out my early gift from grammy!

and smack dab, right during the most wonderful time of the year......road trips to the NE! and snuggles with charlotte! and dumping out grammy's puppy's water. everywhere! and getting happy meals, because we drove across the whole state of NE! and enjoying the great weather!

and now that it's january?...........chuckling at baby's shoes / daddy's shoes! awwww! and dumping out the parmesan cheese EVERYWHERE, and then licking it off the floor! oh, a few days before the cheese? dumping the rice everywhere! and most importantly? playdates with friends :)

whew.

there ya have it.

good night ;)

PS-i bought ONE veggie tales dvd for roman. and now?

i WANT ALL OF THEM.

the end.

figuring things out.

i'm realizing that the first month of being a stay at home mom was my honeymoon period.

it slowly faded, and i slipped into a one-week depression.

literally.

we're talkin, stay in my pajamas all day.....

mutter bad things under my breath when i was washing dish after dish, just to wash more later.....

and again the bad thoughts as i picked up toy after toy, just to pick them all up again a few hours later.....

and again the bad thoughts as i tried to figure out what to feed roman for breakfast, knowing i would have to stare at the fridge a few hours later for lunch and again for dinner......

and again as i thought about my pathetic self pouting.....wondering why i was such a mess.

i felt so LAME.

i wondered why i was letting such things get me down...so so down?

i thought, what is WRONG with me?

why am i pouting, dragging my feet, going one too many days without washing my hair???

.....i've been dreaming of staying home with my baby ever since i saw the positive sign on the preggo test.

......this summer i was home with romes full time and i had a blast! it was a cinch!

.......i'm blessed with a happy healthy child!

why am i such a mess?

well, i'll tell ya one thing's for sure. continuing in the same pouty motions each day DOES NOT get you out of your slump. rather, it forces you down deeper.....

so. THAT's it, i said to myself.

time to put the big girl pants on and dig myself out.

what a yucky week. NO MORE!

truth is.......it's been hard to go from spending the day with 450+ children and 50+ adults......to JUST one other person {and he's only 13 months old}

i'm social. that's me. i need people around me.

so i went to town with setting up play dates, and all of the sudden i found my self with guests in my home ............5 days in a row. whoa.

some might think, "YIKES". you're overboard. calm down.

but i LOVED it.

i've always wanted my home to be swarming with people, conversation, children, food, sweets.....MUST have desserts {and wine too of course}

so that's what i did. i opened my door and in they came :)

and it was great.

i'm SO thankful for our church. the friendships i've made at oakhills are priceless.

and for me, friendships are medicine. yummy nummy medicine.

not having ANY family around has been difficult lately.

but i'm learning to lean on friends to fill that void.

what a blessing my yucky depressed week was for me.

while it was an ugly one, it revealed so much.

i learned to take pride in providing food for roman

i learned to be OK with a messy house

i learned to appreciate that mr leif doesn't demand dinner by 6pm and to take that pressure off myself

i learned that i NEED to get dressed, no all-day pajamas!

i learned that i do best when i get some adult interaction in my week

i learned that life is beautiful and we're give just the exact amount of grace we need to pull through these yucky times ;)

cheers to figuring out this new job, one day at a time!

[source]

oh. and i learned that from 4- 5:45 pm can be such a nasty time.......tired, hungry child wanting daddy + tired, hungry momma wanting daddy = bad combo.

so,

i learned that blaring music is a MUST during that hour and a half. and dancing to that music makes things even better. {just ask roman!}

i have dirty floors. and it's OK.

so, we're in full swing of project: budget in the leif house, as a result of me quitting my job, to stay home with our little guy.

i've never scrimped so much.

i've never spent so little.

it's refreshing.

it's challenging.

but?

it's hard.

we knew it would be.

however, something is happening through the hardships.

i'm being transformed. i'm being refined.

something beautiful is happening in my heart, and i can feel it.

recently, there have been a few things "breaking down" in our house, temptations for me to pout, to have a pitty party, to be mad at this dumb budget thing, but i'm not doing it.

i feel contentment. i feel at peace.

i never would have guessed contentment would come after cutting our income in half.

but it has.

verses keep playing in my mind throughout my day to day.

.....do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself

.....keep your lives free from the love of money

.....set your mind on things above

they keep me going. they keep me focused.

especially when.......

.........i wash dishes over the sink, 3+ times a day, and instead of complaining that our dishwasher has been broken for over two months, i realize this is it. this is what i'm sacrificing to be home with my baby. and it's OK. washing the dishes actually gives me time to think. it makes me be still, other than the washing motion, and ponder, and meditate. it allows me to rejuvenate for a moment.

.........AND when i go to the closet to get out our vacuum and remember it's broken? instead of complaining that it's broken, and searching target for the perfect one, i am patient. this is what i'm sacrificing to be home with my baby. and it's OK. the carpets can get a bit dirty until we find a place in our budget to pay for the vacuum. will i have to wait a couple weeks, maybe a month? probably. and it's OK. i can wait. the floors can wait.

........AND when i answer my phone, the one with a shattered screen, and think...hmmmmm.....sprint has just unleashed the new iphone. i should get it. i mean, i need it. i mean, my phone is barely hangin on by a thread here folks. instead of heading out the door to sprint, i wait, i continue to use this silly phone, and joke about how the shattered screen is a resemblance of life - and how chaotic it can be at times. this phone is what i'm sacrificing to be home with my baby, and it's OK. i can wait for a phone. in this season, i'd rather be able to use my messed up phone as a distractor while i change roman's diaper anyways. i mean, if i did have an iphone, i wouldn't allow him to go near it, and thus he would be doing barrel rolls across the living room floor while i battle him to change his diaper.

the old lindsey would have justified why we need each of those things, asap, to mr leif.

and the old lindsey would have talked him into it.

and the old lindsey would have been talking on her iphone, while vacuuming, as the dishes were being washing in the dishwasher all at the same time.

but, this new way of life has been refining for me.

i know the adrenaline will wear away.

i know difficult days lie ahead.

but there is no pressure on me to perform.

there is no pressure on me to get through this season perfectly.

there's grace.

and the Lords grace is sufficient for us, His power is made perfect in our weakness.

amen?

amen.

and look at this shadow.

this shadow is not of a baby.

it's of a little boy.

a little boy, named roman joe.

he's growin up.

and i get to be home. to help him.

thankful.

happy.

and content.

yes, i mention snow in this post.

well, roman didn't waste any time trying to break me into this new career.

only 2 days in and he busted out one of his not so cute tricks........."drive momma to breaking point of sleeplessness" - - - a fever and all that accompanies it.

but it's ok.

it just reminded me what motherhood is truly all about = knowing you can't do it on your own.

that when times get "icky", i just stop, and pray for strength to continue.......... with a calm voice, a peaceful mind, and a joyful heart.

our little dude seems to be on the mend today. smiley face.

........

i'm learning the ropes to my new job quickly.

i'm learning that putting pressure on myself to do certain things, to be certain places, is the ugliest way to conduct my role as momma and wife.

goals? they're ok.

telling myself i must do this, i must do that? not ok.

we get done what we can.

we get to where we can.

we do the best we can.

i'm bummed that i missed my "first" mom's bible study yesterday morning, but little dizzle was sick. it was out of my control.

it is.

because..... i successfully cooked two yummy dinners this week. and, they were easy too. and seriously so good. you should make them.

(if you clicked on that second link, you'll see a fabulous recipe that i used the leftovers for to make rice bowls (like at chipotle! yah, you bet!) for dinner tonight.)

because..... a sweet friend texted me she was one her way with a sonic drink, "just because". amen?

because..... another sweet friend came over after that, to give me some tips on a little craftydoodle for roman's bday party. amen?

because.... God obviously knew i needed a little umph to get me going. he sent some friends over, which happens to be the best medicine for me :) amen to a God who knows what we need? amen!

there's always beauty amongst the ugly. we might have had a mediocre start to the week, but i have an organized plan for next week, cooking and i are becoming buddies, and I GET TO CUDDLE my baby when he's sick!

i've also learned that trying to clean house while roman is awake is about as successful as scooping the driveway while it's snowing.

praise the LORD for naps :)

....

i've been reminiscing back to his itty bitty days. look at him???!?! i want him that small again. I DO!

because next week he turns one.

ONE?!?!?!??!?!??! hold me.

i want to kiss those lips. ahhhhhh. snuggly little babyboo. booboo. booboo. (and.......now i'm quoting from how to lose a guy in 10 days, benny boo boo, remember?!! love that movie.)

a new chapter.

my life of as a working mom has ended.

........... let me take you back a few days. after a pretty scary incident with roman's current child care situation, after realizing that this was roman's 4th child care provider in 2 months i broke down. i'm emotionally exhausted. with going through 4 child care providers, comes countless phone interviews, emails, home visits, etc.... i couldn't bring myself to interviewing more strangers. more strangers who would be watching my baby. i couldn't bring myself to dropping roman off at a new place once more. i'm tired. SO very tired of it. with each day care situation that failed, a layer of momma guilt was ripped open. i felt helpless and exhausted. i was done. but this time, my breakdown was quick. and it came to us, like a huge neon sign hanging right in front of mr leif and i. the message was clear. its time to stay home and raise roman. ME. HIS momma. it's MY turn. it's so interesting how the Lord uses situations for His glory... in the midst of it, you feel like walls are caving in, like you can't breathe, like you're drowning.... but when the tide goes out, when your lungs fill back up with air, and when the walls push back out.....you realize what you need to do next. as i reflect back to last spring, when i was a new mom, when i was going to night class, when i was working out of the home, when i was a sleep deprived mess. {yikes} i realized how unhappy i was. and how unnatural my roles felt. the rollercoaster of working mom has been going up and down and up and down. and i'm ready to get off. mr. leif has asked me to get off. so now what? we are taking a leap of faith. financially, oh yes. but you know what's amazing? you know what puts the biggest smile on my face? is the excitement i feel. mr leif said it best........"i'm sort of excited to take this on, we can do it!" it's like the gun has just gone off for our first marathon. have we got nerves? oh yes. have we got doubts? oh yes. have we got weird stomach feelings? oh yes. but we laced up our shoes, we've got a WHOLE crowd of supporters cheering us on, and we've got a purpose in our race. we're in a place where we have been craving a challenge. something to get us to recommit. spiritually and relationally. this couldn't have come at a better time. today, as i drove away from school, the weight from my shoulders that slowly disappeared was indescribeable. was i sobbing at the thought of all i would miss? YES yes YES. as i think about the process of me leaving work. a loss of friendships, relationships, of countless emails a day, the love of children, of hearing "hi mrs leif!".........this mourning process will take a very long time. and even now when i think about what and who i am walking away from? i second guess myself. but it's ok. that's only human. as soon as i look at my other options, i'm reassured that my priorities are 1) wife, 2) mother, and then employee. and right now? my duties as wife and mother are calling SO very hard. and i've answered, with a resounding YES yes yes. i know, i know, those of you who already stay home with your children are probably thinking, "oh she has no idea what she is getting into, yes it is amazing to be home with our babies, but it's not all puppies and flowers and glitter, it's hard." and i know that. but i know that i can always regret not staying home with my children, but i won't ever regret staying home with them. a friend wrote to me last night, "You make little cuts here, little cuts there, stretch your hair color out a little,"just look" at Anthro, go on day trips instead of Carribean vacays, and count your blessings." (hi julie!!!!) will i miss this? oh boy, yes. will i miss them? most definitely. will my heart ache when i think about certain kiddos throughout the year? yes sir. will i have days of doubt? probably. but i know i will look back on this season of life and remember the relationships i made, the hearts i touched, and the hugs i gave. i know the Lord will use me again outside of the home some day. but in this phase? in this season? i'm finally right where i need to be. i'm going to take my shoes off and stay awhile. heck i will probably take my make up off too. and my dress pants. i'm going to slip on something comfy, i'm ready to be a STAY AT HOME MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what a mighty GOD we serve. amen?