Friday, September 30, 2011

a new chapter.


my life of as a working mom has ended.
...........

let me take you back a few days.
after a pretty scary incident with roman's current child care situation,
after realizing that this was roman's 4th child care provider in 2 months
i broke down.
i'm emotionally exhausted.
with going through 4 child care providers, comes countless phone interviews, emails, home visits, etc....
i couldn't bring myself to interviewing more strangers.
more strangers who would be watching my baby.
i couldn't bring myself to dropping roman off at a new place once more.
i'm tired. SO very tired of it.
with each day care situation that failed, a layer of momma guilt was ripped open.
i felt helpless and exhausted.
i was done.

but this time, my breakdown was quick.
and it came to us, like a huge neon sign hanging right in front of mr leif and i.
the message was clear.
its time to stay home and raise roman. ME. HIS momma. it's MY turn.
it's so interesting how the Lord uses situations for His glory...
in the midst of it, you feel like walls are caving in, like you can't breathe, like you're drowning....
but when the tide goes out, when your lungs fill back up with air, and when the walls push back out.....you realize what you need to do next.

as i reflect back to last spring, when i was a new mom, when i was going to night class, when i was working out of the home, when i was a sleep deprived mess. {yikes} i realized how unhappy i was. and how unnatural my roles felt.

the rollercoaster of working mom has been going up and down and up and down.
and i'm ready to get off.
mr. leif has asked me to get off.

so now what?
we are taking a leap of faith.
financially, oh yes.
but you know what's amazing?
you know what puts the biggest smile on my face?
is the excitement i feel.

mr leif said it best........"i'm sort of excited to take this on, we can do it!"
it's like the gun has just gone off for our first marathon.
have we got nerves? oh yes.
have we got doubts? oh yes.
have we got weird stomach feelings? oh yes.
but we laced up our shoes, we've got a WHOLE crowd of supporters cheering us on, and we've got a purpose in our race.

we're in a place where we have been craving a challenge.
something to get us to recommit. spiritually and relationally.
this couldn't have come at a better time.

today, as i drove away from school, the weight from my shoulders that slowly disappeared was indescribeable. was i sobbing at the thought of all i would miss? YES yes YES.
as i think about the process of me leaving work.
a loss of friendships, relationships, of countless emails a day, the love of children, of hearing "hi mrs leif!".........this mourning process will take a very long time.

and even now when i think about what and who i am walking away from?
i second guess myself.
but it's ok.
that's only human.

as soon as i look at my other options, i'm reassured that my priorities are 1) wife, 2) mother, and then employee.

and right now? my duties as wife and mother are calling SO very hard.
and i've answered, with a resounding YES yes yes.

i know, i know, those of you who already stay home with your children are probably thinking, "oh she has no idea what she is getting into, yes it is amazing to be home with our babies, but it's not all puppies and flowers and glitter, it's hard."
and i know that.

but i know that i can always regret not staying home with my children, but i won't ever regret staying home with them.

a friend wrote to me last night, "You make little cuts here, little cuts there, stretch your hair color out a little,"just look" at Anthro, go on day trips instead of Carribean vacays, and count your blessings." (hi julie!!!!)
will i miss this?
oh boy, yes.

will i miss them? most definitely.

will my heart ache when i think about certain kiddos throughout the year? yes sir.

will i have days of doubt? probably.

but i know i will look back on this season of life and remember the relationships i made, the hearts i touched, and the hugs i gave.
i know the Lord will use me again outside of the home some day.

but in this phase? in this season?
i'm finally right where i need to be.
i'm going to take my shoes off and stay awhile.
heck i will probably take my make up off too.
and my dress pants.
i'm going to slip on something comfy,
i'm ready to be a STAY AT HOME MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

what a mighty GOD we serve.
amen?

5 comments:

  1. Lindsey! I was so touched by your post. It reminds me of the decision I had to make when I decided to stay home with my kiddos. Its a tough one! but in reading your post, I cant help but hear that being at home is the right decision for you guys right now. You are happiest when you are doing what God called you to do right now!! You know, God blessed you with an amazing personality!! You are so talented and so good with people, that you could do so many things and be so good at them!!! All those characteristics about you that make you a good counselor and person, you will find that you'll be using them at home. But instead of investing all that into other kids, you'll be investing in your own!!! doing the most important thing you can do.... raising Roman to be the best man that he can be!! And what better person to mold and shape that little guy than you!!!!! I cant tell you how excited I am for you and your family!!! I try to follow your blog as much as I can, and my heart just breaks for you that you wanted to stay home, but didnt feel that it was the right time for you. I know you will just love, love, love being with your baby all the time!!! Just wanted to let you know that. So excited for you... now if you would just move back, live close to me, then our boys could play while we chat :) Take care and enjoy your time with roman with no regrets!!!!!!
    -Deanna :)

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  2. wow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!what amazing news. i am so.happy.for.you.so.so.so.happy.happy!! welcome home!

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  3. totally crying over here. you are such a sweetheart. i loved everything you wrote. i think God is gonna bless your decision and you are gonna rock this stay-at-home mom thing for his glory.

    and though it's devastating to leave those school children, other opportunities will arise. currently i am volunteering in an after school program once a week for underprivileged kids and it's blessing me to bit and pieces. perhaps it's something you can look into!

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  4. oh, lindsey! i just emailed you back & came right over to see if you posted anything yet! i agree with everything the girls said ahead of me.

    i know how much you've longed for this day.
    and God is SO good.
    so awesome to give you your hearts desire NOW!!!

    AHHHH, i just love this story.
    what a gift you are. and will continue to be.
    not one of those kids at school will EVER forget you.
    and roman is THE LUCKIEST to have a momma like YOU.

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  5. I just discovered you had a blog through Pinterest. I wondered what happened to you! Didn't see you on Facebook anymore. I am so excited for you and your family that you are able to stay home. I am sadly still working, but would love to be a mommy as my only job too! We live so close to you, we should have a play date sometime!

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