a new chapter.

my life of as a working mom has ended.

........... let me take you back a few days. after a pretty scary incident with roman's current child care situation, after realizing that this was roman's 4th child care provider in 2 months i broke down. i'm emotionally exhausted. with going through 4 child care providers, comes countless phone interviews, emails, home visits, etc.... i couldn't bring myself to interviewing more strangers. more strangers who would be watching my baby. i couldn't bring myself to dropping roman off at a new place once more. i'm tired. SO very tired of it. with each day care situation that failed, a layer of momma guilt was ripped open. i felt helpless and exhausted. i was done. but this time, my breakdown was quick. and it came to us, like a huge neon sign hanging right in front of mr leif and i. the message was clear. its time to stay home and raise roman. ME. HIS momma. it's MY turn. it's so interesting how the Lord uses situations for His glory... in the midst of it, you feel like walls are caving in, like you can't breathe, like you're drowning.... but when the tide goes out, when your lungs fill back up with air, and when the walls push back out.....you realize what you need to do next. as i reflect back to last spring, when i was a new mom, when i was going to night class, when i was working out of the home, when i was a sleep deprived mess. {yikes} i realized how unhappy i was. and how unnatural my roles felt. the rollercoaster of working mom has been going up and down and up and down. and i'm ready to get off. mr. leif has asked me to get off. so now what? we are taking a leap of faith. financially, oh yes. but you know what's amazing? you know what puts the biggest smile on my face? is the excitement i feel. mr leif said it best........"i'm sort of excited to take this on, we can do it!" it's like the gun has just gone off for our first marathon. have we got nerves? oh yes. have we got doubts? oh yes. have we got weird stomach feelings? oh yes. but we laced up our shoes, we've got a WHOLE crowd of supporters cheering us on, and we've got a purpose in our race. we're in a place where we have been craving a challenge. something to get us to recommit. spiritually and relationally. this couldn't have come at a better time. today, as i drove away from school, the weight from my shoulders that slowly disappeared was indescribeable. was i sobbing at the thought of all i would miss? YES yes YES. as i think about the process of me leaving work. a loss of friendships, relationships, of countless emails a day, the love of children, of hearing "hi mrs leif!".........this mourning process will take a very long time. and even now when i think about what and who i am walking away from? i second guess myself. but it's ok. that's only human. as soon as i look at my other options, i'm reassured that my priorities are 1) wife, 2) mother, and then employee. and right now? my duties as wife and mother are calling SO very hard. and i've answered, with a resounding YES yes yes. i know, i know, those of you who already stay home with your children are probably thinking, "oh she has no idea what she is getting into, yes it is amazing to be home with our babies, but it's not all puppies and flowers and glitter, it's hard." and i know that. but i know that i can always regret not staying home with my children, but i won't ever regret staying home with them. a friend wrote to me last night, "You make little cuts here, little cuts there, stretch your hair color out a little,"just look" at Anthro, go on day trips instead of Carribean vacays, and count your blessings." (hi julie!!!!) will i miss this? oh boy, yes. will i miss them? most definitely. will my heart ache when i think about certain kiddos throughout the year? yes sir. will i have days of doubt? probably. but i know i will look back on this season of life and remember the relationships i made, the hearts i touched, and the hugs i gave. i know the Lord will use me again outside of the home some day. but in this phase? in this season? i'm finally right where i need to be. i'm going to take my shoes off and stay awhile. heck i will probably take my make up off too. and my dress pants. i'm going to slip on something comfy, i'm ready to be a STAY AT HOME MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what a mighty GOD we serve. amen?