surrender.

for the last 4-5 weeks, things have been a bit chaotic for us.

with trips to canada for mr leif, trips to vegas for myself, trips home to nebraska for the three of us,

and in the midst of these trips......

was child care fail after child care fail.

lately, i've been so consumed with trying to organize my life.

to give it order.

but no matter how many lists i make,

no matter how many goals i set,

no matter how many times i organize my week by day to day,

no matter how many childcare interviews i conduct

one thing remains constant.

the feeling of "out-of-order"

i didn't understand, and asked all to often........"why do i feel so chaotic right now?"

i've made lists? planned meals? organized chores? met goals?

it's like i'm running and running, but when i look down,

i realize i haven't taken any steps forward, but rather just running in place.

it's hard for me to surrender my plan-making, detail orchestrating tendencies,

but in the last month,

i've been tugged and twisted.

we've been challenged and shocked.

i've cried

i've worried

i've almost given up.

and, i was this close to quitting my job.

one question i seem to come back to all to often is about prayer.

when i pray for God's will to be done,

when i pray to see his will and to follow it,

i don't always feel like i know what his will is.

i have been searching for signs, for feelings.....something to tell me that oh, this is what God wants us to do........ ok, now we are getting it right.

but those signs and feelings weren't there, or i wasn't seeing them....

rather, life plays out, and i see Him unravel his plan, in his own time, in his own way.

most of the time it's quite the opposite of what i had in mind.

and what's most difficult?

for me to understand, accept, and live out where He has me.

in the moment.

live it out.

this might all sound so gibberish. however, it's been a bit of a crazy month.

as usual, i was struggling with finding child care for our little roman.

you see, it's hard to find the perfect fit to care for your child, when truly the perfect fit is you.

and it's hard to trust a complete stranger with your baby, when truly the only one you trust is you. 

you see, it's hard to settle, when you feel a constant tug of guilt with settling.

so, we trudged on. staying home full time is not in the cards for us in this season of life, and i'm trying, each new day, to find the strength, each new day, for contentment in season.

i spent most of june searching for where i would take roman.

with each let down in the child care search, i felt a layer of my "momheart" be torn.

with each let down in the child care search, i felt a new tug of "momguilt"

with each let down in the child care search, i thought, surely this is God saying He has other plans for me. plans that have me staying home, being a mom, full time.

with each let down in the child care search, i wondered if it was my sign? my sign that i was not doing the right thing?

but each time, we'd rethink our situation, we'd put it all on paper. and we just couldn't see it working.

so, with each let down in the child care search failed, we'd simply go back to the search.

this week, we'll be trying yet another childcare situation.

monday morning, when i will once again, entrust the life of my son into someone else's hands.

monday morning, when we will pack up his bag, pack his breakfast and lunch, and load him up.

monday morning, when i will drive away from their house with a sick stomach.

monday morning, when i will leave my baby, again, in the arms of another mother.

i'm still not sure this is what i've been called to do. as i personally have the desire to be home, full time. but i am sure that i can find contentment in this moment.

i am sure that it is just a step in the direction of His ultimate plan.

it's a benchmark i have to meet.

it's just another rung in my ladder of life. it will make me stronger.

and someday, i will look back and it will be evident why the Lord has me here, in this place, at this time, dropping my baby off into someone else's home.

i've learned through this experience, to let go.

i can't orchestrate every little detail.

and when i try to? each little detail i've worked out comes to a crumble.

"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4.6-7

pray for our monday morning, ok?!