Wednesday, February 19, 2014

my sweet roman.

oh roman, my heart swells with love for you.
i know your strengths, your weaknesses, your loves, your passions, your fears...
i know what makes you laugh, what makes you smile...
and, i know what makes you sad, and scared, anxious and afraid.
i know what sets you off, i'm usually three seconds ahead of you trying to assess the environment to make sure you'll be ok.

it's easy for me to jump ahead to the present.
i want to talk all about where you are as a vibrant 3.5 year old.
but, i don't want to skip the tail end of your 2's. 

your august was delightful.
i found out we got into a great preschool, located in a church.
we got to be outside as much as possible, and you thrive in the fresh air.
your love for "your neighbor grils" only continued to grow as you became more comfortable with them, knowing their names, and which ones lived in which house on our street.

but it wasn't all unicorns and rainbows.
i wasn't very sure how to best parent you.
nothing seemed to be working, and i was certain preschool would be the trick.
you loved being at home.  with me.
you loved that archer could watch you play and he wasn't mobile, so he didn't come into your space! 
it was a win win for you both :)
i continued to try play dates, trips to the library, the park, and other adventures when i mustered up the courage to venture out with you and your brother...
but most of the time your brother would scream in his car seat, which made you scream, which made me want to scream.  and run away.
many times we didn't even make it to our destination.
and one time, we even stopped in a random parking lot so i could cry, and feed the baby, and try to calm you down.

some people might look at this part of our story and wonder, why share such a difficult season?
well, little roman, it's our story.  
and so, we'll share it.
we'll share it in hopes to shed light on the glorious thing that is the Father's love.
a love that is so secure, so precious, that it picks us up in the darkest moments, and propels us forward with grace.

my dear sweet boy, a mother's love knows NO limits.
in the most difficult days, is when i loved you the most.
i was exhausted, and weary.  confused and sad.
my expectations of motherhood were being shattered.

but your eyes still shined.
you still lit up with the most giant smile.
we thrive together.
you love to be near me, and your joy fuels my existence.

roman, we had a lovely august.  
we're a beautiful team.

oh sweet archer

oh my dear archer.
not only do i wish i could freeze time, i wish i could rewind.
most of your first year i feel like i've just been trying to survive and get through the day.
i wanted to be more for you.
and then, as quick as i speak so harshly to myself, critiquing myself in the worst way, i'm reminded...
God chose ME to be your momma.
He has orchestrated every tiny detail that has unfolded and still is yet to unfold in our story, a story we share.
and my dear archer, you're a beautiful gift, a ray of sunshine, in my life.

i avoided blogging most of your milestones, because in a way i thought if i didn't blog about them, time would slow down...i always thought i would catch up...and then the next month came.
you're almost 11 months now, but here in these photos, you're a sweet little 5 month old.

you were full of giggles and squeals.  i have some pretty good videos of your laughter.  
and it's the sweetest sound i have ever heard.
you ate around the clock, in fact, you ate more during the night than the day.
that's part of why this year has been so hard.
until you were 10.5 months old, you were still eating at least 3 times a night. 
i felt like most of those months i was walking around in a tired baby haze.

however, i know that God sent your shiny eyes, your big beautiful smile, and your vibrant personality to pick me up and help me to find laughter and joy in a dark season for me.  
you're beautiful, my son.
inside, and out. 
even at 5 months...i am so confident God has began a good work in you, and i'm beyond overwhelmed with excitement to watch, to mold, and to cheer you on as He will be faithful to complete it.

most of your days were spent watching your brother play, you nursed anytime i would let you, and you were attacked by my tickles all day errrrr day, because i couldn't get enough of your laughter.  
it was august when you were 5 months, and we spent most of our days watching your brother bask in the great outdoors.  you love your brother so SO much, and i know a flame was lit inside of you, even as a baby, that drives you to adore him unconditionally.  your connection with him is deeper than words can describe, and i am so grateful to be given the gift of motherhood, so i can watch in awe as your relationship with my sweet roman begins to bloom.

thank you, archer, for your joy.

ready to write.

oh hi!
it's been so long. too too long.
too long since i've let my fingers loose on this keyboard.  and i've missed it.
there's been a gaping hole in my routine, the way i process life, and i attribute it to my absence here.
writing, for me, is my therapy.

not only do i find freedom in releasing my thoughts, my dreams, my joys and my sorrows, i also find that it fulfills my desire for a connection on a deeper level with people.
people fuel me.
being vulnerable and honest, is like fresh air to my lungs.

in this small space online, i feel free to be me.

now hold up.
before you all go, "whoa. who is this insane person and what did she do with sane lindsey?"
let me explain.

i've battled with the desire to write and write and write over this past year, but my desire has been met with the most forceful insecurity on what to share.
i'm an all or nothing kinda girl.
should i just put it all out there?
or should i just keep it in my private circle?

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

how do i boast in my weakness without being real?  
how can His power be made perfect, if i can't accept, embrace, and celebrate my areas of weakness? 

so then, i found myself with a craving to share.
but i couldn't just share my story without making it about my children, and husband, as well.
and there's a part of me that is willing to be REAL about myself, but hold back out of "respect" for my boys and my love.  i mean, who am i to reveal their messy stuff?

well, i've prayed, and stewed, and prayed, and am confident in what has been revealed to me.

I know the Lord will be glorified in my mess, if I use it to point back to Him...His perfectness...His Son who came to rescue....and His grace that so incredibly meets not only me BUT my boys, and husband, right there in our mess.
and. well.  i guess i feel like i'm blowing out my flame if i don't share it.

it's our story.  so i'm ready to share.