i've recently been overwhelmed with thoughts.

imagine that.

if i'm intentional about my thoughts, i can turn them into actions.
some of those actions take seconds to complete, some take days, some years, and many will take my entire lifetime.  and most notably, some may never happen......praying THY will be done Lord, means to truly surrender.

lately i've noticed i've become a bit selfconscious about my openness.
i wonder.......do people that read this blog think i'm a lunatic?
do they think i'm weird?
i'm a sharer. i wear my heart of my sleeve.
im honest with myself, how i feel, what i think. it keeps me sane.
i know im meant to be open, to share my mind. it makes me feel emotionally healthy; stable.
so that's what this post is......... a long jumbled journaling mess.

...

as i look back onto myself, my personality, i realized i wasn't always a overly open crazy person.
for many years my relationships were filled with me purely trying to entertain.
i loved making people laugh. i still do.
i loved having fun, doing fun, making fun. i still do

but what i recently realized is that i've really really become a lover of deep conversation, for friendships that are real, for bearing burdens and sharing mine, for being honest with my thoughts and struggles, and showing my weaknesses, for being such the open person i am today......

its as if i've tapped into a part of me that always existed, but just didn't know how to be accessed.
(and poor mr leif, he gets to listen and listen and then he supports almost everything i come up with)

but...this change: im going to chalk it up to God,
cuz that's only the smart and logical thing to do ;)

...

in our plan (mr leif's and i), we would have just now gotten pregnant. then this fall i would have finished my last semester in my masters and graduated this december. then i would have had the babe in the spring, and enjoyed some maternity leave and a summer break. during that break we would have made the decision of me going back to work or not, but all in all enjoying that i was able to spend the first 6 months home with the baby.
but.
it didn't all happen that way :) in God's plan im already pregnant, and i will have the baby in october and go on maternity leave. thus, will have to go back to work in the spring semester, as well as complete my last semester of my masters (an internship that requires me to be on location of a school), and every morning drop my babe off at someone else's house. hoping they hug and kiss him like i would every day. which might totally happen.........just gotta find the lucky lady to be my 'mom' sub :)
phew.

so with all that, my mind is going crazy with thoughts and questions.....
what will we do?
should i just not go back to work in january?
no. i should at least finish my masters, duh. i've worked too hard.
is it lame that i spent all this time, energy, and money on a degree and then might not use it?
no because someday i will probably go back and use it, but just maybe not in this season of life.
oh
season of life.

i like that phrase.

...

its all in God's hands.
i know he has a plan.
but
at what point can i stop trying to figure it out for myself?
at what point will i get my prayers answered, regardless if its the answer i want or not?
at what point will i know what i'm doing is right for me, for our family?
hmph.....
i suppose patience is vital.