makes you stop and think...

today, on my way to work, there were three accidents on the interstate.

as i was driving by one of them, slowy, as traffic was way backed up, i witnessed a victim getting loaded onto a stretcher and then placed in the ambulance.

wow.

that totally rocks your world. in a scary way.
have you ever been on a stretcher?
in an ambulance?

i have.
almost 4 years ago.
i was in an accident. kind of a weird accident. i passed out (i had the flu) while driving. weird. i know.
but regardless, i was in SOOOO much pain and asked to be strapped onto the stretcher with one of my knees bent up, half fetal position......
while in the ambulance my pain was so severe i couldn't talk or try to answer any of their questions.
i thought, was i going to die?
the emergency room was crazy..........

makes you really stop and think.

but then i recovered and moved on with my life.

when i was finally released to drive (thanks sam for coming down to KC to drive me to the bank to sign the papers when we bought our house....crazy times!!!) i was a bit nervous. back on the raod? what if i pass out again?

it kept me on my toes for a while, in terms of evaluating life. my purpose. my goals. situations like those really make you stop and think.

but i quickly jumped back into the swing of things after a month off of work to recover. and after about 4 months i could work out and/or be active again. in no time, i rarely thought of my accident. and thus, rarely put my life into check, as seriously as i had that february, 4 years ago.

but today?
seeing that stretcher load up into the ambulance brought me back there.

as i passed the ambulance, i turned up k-love even louder.
you can probably hear the music blaring in the car next to me (and both of our windows are up)
you probably know what song i'm listening to by watching me sing at the top of my lungs.

but today, there was a song with the lyrics:
As the hands and feet of Jesus, I’m called to serve the least of these.

then...i began thinking, how am i "serving the least of these?"

HOW am i acting as the HANDS and FEET of JESUS?

so.
that's where i am right now.
focusing, praying, thinking, about how GOD is going to use me.

not really a resolution.

it started with a fourth grade guidance lesson on resolutions.
we didn't really set resolutions, rather we let the theme of a 'new year resolution' guide us in learning how to set goals.
goals that were realistic.
goals that were measureable.
goals that were attainable.

as in most lessons, the kids enjoy when i self-disclose - both the good stuff AND the bad (like the time i was dishonest to my 3rd grade teacher when she asked if i was finished with my milk and i told her yes, which then led her to ask me to tip my container upside down so she could see, which of course resulted in milk all over my desk. because i wasn't finished. i hated milk. still do actually.) anyways, they like that kind of stuff. it helps them realize that teachers aren't perfect :)

so i explained to the kids my goal of running a 10K in may. and that i have a plan.
3 miles by te end of january.
4 miles by the end of february.
5 miles by the end of march.
and 6 miles by the end of april - making me ready to run the race in may.

and of couse, my reward? a new pair of shoes. under $40.

but over the last few days, it's been sort of on my heart that i didn't set any new years resolutions. and a run to prepare for isn't really my sort of typical resolution.

this year, i want to make a resolution, but it's really more of a goal.
i've been hearing about many great books that are just screaming my name.

my goal is to complete a whole list of books throughout the year. it's my 'resolution'.

the list?
Calm My Anxious Heart...Linda Dillow
When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man...Edward T. Welch
Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World: Finding Intimacy With God in the Busyness of Life...Joanna Weaver

lately, i've been searching and searching for god's will in my life. does He want me to stay home with my kid(s)? does he want me to work? full time? part time? should we sell our house? should we stay? should we move closer to home? should we stay in KC? ..............relax, breathe, calm my heart. serve the Lord with gladness. i'm failing to realize i need to be still. search the scriptures. and wait for the Lord. i'm praying, that through these books, the Lord will stir my heart. and i will walk closer to Him.

when you pray the wrong prayer...

...nothing happens.

well actually, we aren't in charge of what happens anyways.
but, still, when you don't pray for the right thing, it doesn't happen.
does that even make sense?
oh, heck, it doesn't really even make sense to me.
so, i should probably just move on with this post...

lately, been praying for the wrong thing,
asking God to please make me a stay-at-home-mom, and ASAP.
although there have been a few options come across our minds...in all reality, i must finish the school year. i must return to school and complete the year. i enroll in my last semester of grad school, and complete my ineternship, so i can graduate in may. i must finish what i started. a sense of completion.
all the while, feeling as if i'm choosing the 450 students over my baby......
all the while, scheeming that i never want to go back to work again anways, so why finish my degree.....
all the while, wondering why i'll be paying someone else to smooch on my baby for 9 hours, 4 days a week, when that's my job.....
but?
like i said, i've been praying the wrong prayer.

clearly, God has me in this place to finish the year. to finish my degree. to entrust my baby to two friends from church.
why am i praying for something else, when all i need to do is pray for the GRACE to enure the semester. and the clear eyes to see His plan for our family in the next year.

big things are brewing for us leif's :)
we are considering lots of different options in order that i can stay home with rome. (that rhymed. totally nice) as well as the other 3-4 kids we want to have. yep, it's gonna be a full house here folks. or maybe a full townhouse, or heck even an appartment for a while....we'll see what GOD has in store.
and,
for now?
i'll just pray for the grace to get through the semester.
it's where HE has me.
it's in HIS plan. (not mine, but his.........just gotta remember that.)

anyways, did you know you could stare at a baby for hours upon hours?
yep.
you can.
i do it daily.

well, cheers to getting neck-deep in prayer.
i'm gonna need it.
grace to get through the next 5 months.
grace to get through the first week back.
grace to be able to drop my baby off and go to work the first day.
grace for one day at a time.
if only grace was on sale at costco, i'd buy me a bulk pack for sure.

isn't he cute?
i know, every mother is biased of their own offspring.
but, no one said you can't publicly proclaim your addoration of them.

and because i'm still obsessed with the first song on my music player:

some of my favorite lyrics....

"though hast not left me, though i oft left thee..."
"i need thy presence, every passing hour..."
"what but thy grace, can foil the tempter's power..."
"through cloud and sunshine, abide with me..."
"shine through the gloom, point me to the skies..."

abide with me.

calm my anxious heart...

...is the name of a book written by linda dillow.

(btw......i got a new music player. and on this one, you hafta push play)

(just in case you wanted to hear a good song, or two)

hehe

it's the book that i'm reading, for a bible study i'm so graciously indulging in on wednesday nights.

after just one night........after just one chapter.........i've quickly realized it is everything and more i've been needing. it's everything and more that i've been lacking in. it's the Lord, working in me, and it's the most amazing feeling ever.

i couldn't wait to delve into chapter 2 just moments after finishing chapter 1. but when i still had to answer my questions, and memorize my verse, i decided......i'm going to stay on schedule, and just indulge in one chapter a week.

so yes. each week along with reading the chapter, we are being challenged to memorize a verse. the verse is found within the chapter :) and i'm so excited to begin memorizing. i've actually experienced quite the blessing my lifetime.......for 9 years (kindergarten through 8th grade) i was required to memorize a bible verse each week of school. you see, i went to a private/christian school growing up, and that was part of the curriculum. however, it saddens me as i've come to the realization, that i've lost so many of those verses somewhere up in my mind.......they aren't easily flowing from my lips..... but now. as an adult. i can relearn them. and they will be the treasures of my heart. golden words that will flow into the hearts of my children. (so yeah. i better get memorizing.........or the only thing that will be flowin is my rootbeer smelling breath. because, you know, i like rootbeer. and i have rootbeer floats. a lot)

back to the b-study.

calm my anxious heart. wow. just the title speaks volumes.

now is the part of the post where i wanted to link to all the anxieties i've been struggling with lately, but then i realized, i would be here til at least midnight (and its only 7:23) trying to link them all. in other words. anxiousness has consumed me lately, and its not good people.

as i look at my past. i would NEVER, yep NEVER say that i've dealt with anxiety. i've never been much of a worrier. but then, as i examined further........i realize that the Lord has blessed me with such an overflowing abundance of blessing, that i haven't been challenged to confront worry. i haven't been challenged to confront anxiety. i haven't had to. i haven't had to work towards contentment. i've been content. because the Lord has, so far, set a life before me which has been quite easy to be content with.

but now.
i am.
i am facing a battle with contentment. and i'm not winning.

however, just when i felt as if i was slowly drowning in discontentment, just when i felt like i was rounding the last curve of 300 hurdles race (which, if you haven't ran one, is brutal.......especially that last curve), the Lord swept in.

it's my intent. (notice i say intent, not plan) to post a weekly digestion of each chapter in my book. and as my heart is transformed. as it becomes content. i hope yours will too. but really.....in all seriousness........i'll pray that you, my readers, will find your contentment in him :)

ok. so that was my intro.
let's get down to business.

el chaptero uno.

paul (the author of famous books such as philippians) writes (the memory verse):

"i am not saying this because i am in need, for i have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. i know what it is to be in need, and i know what it is to have plenty. i have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want. i can do everything through him who gives me strength. philippians 4.11-13

and

did you know he wrote that as someone who's been imprissoned. in a dark and dreary dungeon, chained to a guard. (amongst being beat, misunderstood, and deserted)

i challenge you to learn that verse. tape it your mirror. do it!

......
the thing with contentment is that its something we can learn. we have to make it a happen.

contentment is infused into us through His word. if we are in his word, we become more content. it will consume us. we'll be infused. (dillow says its like a tea bag sitting in your mug, the tea gets stronger as it seeps in)

.....
how do i find contentment when i battle with such control issues? its funny isn't it, as we look at our lives. we want control, but the amount of 'uncontrollables always out-weigh the controllables'. i laugh as i think about how i find this a fault in my life. you see.....when i work with students at school, one of my goals is to channel their focus onto the things they can control..... can they control that their parents are divorced and their mom and step mom are always fighting? no. but they can control how they handle this situation in terms of their reaction and how they get through it. sooooo.......its just funny. that i preach it. but i can't do it.

i am control hungry.
i want to find the perfect childcare.
i want to finish the year and then stay home with the baby.
i want to raise the baby doing this and that and this and that.
i want.....
i want....
i want....CONTROL!

what i've realized is that through most things i can trust god. i can surrender. BUT when he seems to be moving at too slow of a pace, then i try to step in a oragnize the situation a bit, you know, make a few phone calls, miss a few prayers, take a few things into my own hands. the author, linda dillow, has helped me realize that when i'm tweaking things 'a bit' and trying to 'help god along' that i'm developing my anxious heart. i'm basically saying, and i quote her "god you're not doing what i think needs to be done, so i'll help you out!"

JI Packer says.......contentment is accepting what God sends because we know he is good, and so it is good.

i've been trying to trust. to surrender. but i'm mixing my own strength and desire in, and its not working.

when i pray, i do ask for the lord to do his will........but deep in my heart, is where my desires resinate. asking for only his will to be done is something i pretend to do, but not really do. really, what i'm usually saying is, 'lord show me your will, your plan, for our child and who will care for him. show me your will for me in my career..........but please let your will be for me to be home. ok thanks god'.

why do we think our contentment is related to circumstances? i do it all the time.

however, i learned that true contentment is seperate from our circumstances, its a state of my heart and not of affairs.

i know i've blabbed on.......
and its been quite the helter-skelter blabbling post.........
but

i want to leave you with something quite concrete.
actually 5 things.

5 things that make up a prescription for contentment, straight from linda dillow's book:

1. never allow yourself to complain about anything - not even the weather
2. never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else
3. never compare your lot with another's
4. never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise
5. never dwell on tomorrow.....tomorrow is God's, not ours.
   

thanks for letting me share.
i can't wait to nestle into chapter 2.
i can't wait to experience transformation.
i'm on my way to contentment.
i'm on my way to a calm heart.
(baby steps, people, baby steps)

this will take years.........but i've gotta start somewhere :)

as i sat in my...

...new office at school yesterday...... (yes i got a bigger room, yay!)........

.........staring at my zuchini bread,
.........smirking at the fact that i still have my May calendar page on my desk,
.........i realized,
i am not ready.where is my "oh its a fresh new year!" attitude?

why do i look around at the empty walls and feel overwhelmed at covering them with colorful, cheerful fabric? (something i used to LOVE doing at the beginning of the year)

why am i annoyed at people stopping in my room, touching my belly, telling me the cliched phrase, "oh you look cute!" and then jumping right into the nitty gritty questions they really came in for.........."do you get a long term sub for when you're gone?"................"when are you starting your leave?".................. and other random questions that clearly have an ulterior motive, other than being polite.

where is the excitement that used to fill me to the brim, practically overflowing, with setting up/getting organized/planning out the school year?

why can all i think about is having this baby (eeeeeeeeeek!!!) and i get annoyed at the idea of how much energy this job sucks out of me?

why do i dread having to reconnect with all the teachers and staff members at school?

the truth is........i'm a different person than i used to be. the beginning of THIS year is different for me than the last 3 years.

i'm realizing i have different priorities in life, different goals, a different purpose. not that my prior priorities (haha that sounded funny) were bad........i'm just changing.

as of about 10 months ago, even before i got pregnant, i began to notice a change in my thoughts/dreams/passions. at this time last year, i was completely and entirely a career-oriented person. i loved the purpose and fufillment i got from my job. and yes, although i've done some major job-hopping in the last 6 years (college job #1 bank teller, college job #2 file clerk at law firm, real job #1 2nd grade teacher, real job #2 school counselor) with each of those jobs came an excitement and a joy for trying to master what i could learn and dream of what i could do someday......

well, about 10 months ago, things started shifting in my perspective. i really started connecting with our church family on a deeper level. as my relationships with other women at church grew, we began having passionate conversations about their roles in their families as mothers, and some even as homeschoolers. As these friendships began to blossom throughout this year, i've developed a new found passion.........and i've begun to transform.

clearly i have nothing against working mothers. i will probably be one of them for a while (as mr leif and i are convinced that the government lied to us when we were so easily swayed into taking out quite the hefty school loans, said with a smile and a laugh), and thus we might need my income to tackle that school debt. but really, im developing quite the new perspectice for MY purpose in life. its not for all women and not for all mothers, but for ME, i'm starting to see that God is revealing a different path then the one i was on. one that is not consumed with career or growth on the payscale or impressing my coworkers or going above and beyond to 'look good' for my boss.

rather, my path leading me to my home. with my (future) children.

a dear friend of mine is preparing to lead a "mother's bible study" this fall. they're reading the mission of motherhood. both this friend and my sissy have said/warned me on how the author, is quite passionate about the purpose of stay-at-home-moms. i've decided i want to read it anyway, knowing i can't yet be the stay at home mom i wanna be! and as i prepare to read this book, i can't help but think about how i used to feel, and how so many other women i know are still passionate about work and how THAT is OK! but when my excitement for work is dwindling at a most rapid rate........i know i've been called for an ulterior purpose.

a short excerpt from a review on sally clarkson's book has got me dying to get my hands on a copy: .................“Motherhood can be one of the greatest, noblest, or fullest callings a woman can have. Every day, as mothers nurture their children, they influence eternal destiny as no one else can…Today’s culture minimizes the vital importance of a mother’s role. By catching a vision of God’s original design and allowing it to shape their lives, mothers can rediscover the joy and fulfillment built into the strategic role to which God has called them; for a purpose far greater than they can imagine…Using practical examples, personal anecdotes, a challenging vision, and sound scriptural support, Sally Clarkson upholds the traditional biblical view of God’s plan for motherhood; giving mothers exactly the support they need to persevere in cultivating and sharing their hearts for God, for their children, and for their homes.”

but. i face quite the dilemma.

i'm still employed. i still work out of the home. i'm still committed to being a school counselor for 400 children. i will only be home for 2.5 months with my baby. SOOO......i NEED some passion. i NEED some energy. i NEED some excitement to continue on. i may be feeling called to stay home with our children...........but for now, that isn't where God has me. and im struggling with finding purpose in the present.

one of the biggest areas of worry......as i begin this school year.......is my attitude and affect i will have on the staff. i want to be positive, excited, passionate. that's who i've been for them over the past 3 years, i must not let that change. bad attitudes rub off on other co-workers......i want to be a source of light for them. not the darkness. and i can't help but break into song........"this little light of mine, im gonna let it shine......." and ".....don't let satan BLOW it out, im gonna let it shine" and as i come to the satan part (ew, i don't even like typing that name) i realize, that will be my battle this year. the battle that will require the full amour of God.........i can't let my light blow out. im still a witness. im still shining for Him. regardless of where He has me for now.

can i dig deep and find the motivation?

can i find enough energy to give to work, yet reserve some for home?

can i not feel guilt when i show up just right at 8:00 in the morning because i didn't want to drop babyleif off any earlier than i had to, and when i rush off at 4:00 to get the him?

oh........i suppose i'll end here.........it will be on a good note :) because thinking about 'dropping off and picking up the baby' reminded me of some crazy RAD HAPPY news i have to share with you. i'll share it tomorrow.

but just know that prayers have been ANSWERED. and in a most blessed way :)

i've recently been overwhelmed with thoughts.

imagine that.

if i'm intentional about my thoughts, i can turn them into actions.
some of those actions take seconds to complete, some take days, some years, and many will take my entire lifetime.  and most notably, some may never happen......praying THY will be done Lord, means to truly surrender.

lately i've noticed i've become a bit selfconscious about my openness.
i wonder.......do people that read this blog think i'm a lunatic?
do they think i'm weird?
i'm a sharer. i wear my heart of my sleeve.
im honest with myself, how i feel, what i think. it keeps me sane.
i know im meant to be open, to share my mind. it makes me feel emotionally healthy; stable.
so that's what this post is......... a long jumbled journaling mess.

...

as i look back onto myself, my personality, i realized i wasn't always a overly open crazy person.
for many years my relationships were filled with me purely trying to entertain.
i loved making people laugh. i still do.
i loved having fun, doing fun, making fun. i still do

but what i recently realized is that i've really really become a lover of deep conversation, for friendships that are real, for bearing burdens and sharing mine, for being honest with my thoughts and struggles, and showing my weaknesses, for being such the open person i am today......

its as if i've tapped into a part of me that always existed, but just didn't know how to be accessed.
(and poor mr leif, he gets to listen and listen and then he supports almost everything i come up with)

but...this change: im going to chalk it up to God,
cuz that's only the smart and logical thing to do ;)

...

in our plan (mr leif's and i), we would have just now gotten pregnant. then this fall i would have finished my last semester in my masters and graduated this december. then i would have had the babe in the spring, and enjoyed some maternity leave and a summer break. during that break we would have made the decision of me going back to work or not, but all in all enjoying that i was able to spend the first 6 months home with the baby.
but.
it didn't all happen that way :) in God's plan im already pregnant, and i will have the baby in october and go on maternity leave. thus, will have to go back to work in the spring semester, as well as complete my last semester of my masters (an internship that requires me to be on location of a school), and every morning drop my babe off at someone else's house. hoping they hug and kiss him like i would every day. which might totally happen.........just gotta find the lucky lady to be my 'mom' sub :)
phew.

so with all that, my mind is going crazy with thoughts and questions.....
what will we do?
should i just not go back to work in january?
no. i should at least finish my masters, duh. i've worked too hard.
is it lame that i spent all this time, energy, and money on a degree and then might not use it?
no because someday i will probably go back and use it, but just maybe not in this season of life.
oh
season of life.

i like that phrase.

...

its all in God's hands.
i know he has a plan.
but
at what point can i stop trying to figure it out for myself?
at what point will i get my prayers answered, regardless if its the answer i want or not?
at what point will i know what i'm doing is right for me, for our family?
hmph.....
i suppose patience is vital.

i've been battling with this whole idea of...

...being content.

like, truly content. content from within.
and i will preface this post with the statement that contentment is a life-long battle.
at least for me.

ok so you know when you were a child in sunday school or bible school or school school or maybe your amazing parents taught you about this..........regardless of where, you learned about the putting on the armor of God.......
and that you have a belt of truth buckled round your waist, and a breastplate of righteousness in place, and your feet are fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace and the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

ok. well in my battle with contentment.........i have just really been slicin things up with my sword. seriously though.......its like i wipped out my sword and have totally stabbed this contentment argument (which is constantly going on in my mind) right in the chest. HA-gottcha.

so......to help you better understand, to explain to you my sudden new feeling of CONTENTMENT!!!!!! - to give you a window into my brain (but i'll warn you, i think too much, and over analyze, and study, and observe, and am constantly thinking......and contemplating.......it is quite scary in my brain) - you can read the discussion below. but seriously. it's vicious. and you might get a headache.

for the past year (actually my whole life) i have battled with my issue of not being content. but really, its more of a question i am always asking myself. am i not content?

• or is it that i thrive on change?
• or am i just super motivated?
• or do i have some form of adhd - like 'constantly thinking of new ideas adhd'?
• or have i not tasted the simple life so i just don't know what i am missing?

oh wait........i really do crave the simple life. i want it so bad. i want to quit my job. and say who cares about my master's degree. i want to stay home with my own kids, and not try to solve the problems of the 473 kids at school. but then.........yikes i spent all this time and money on my degree(s). would it be a waste? will i come back to counseling when my kids are grown? should i get a different job? if i finally found the perfect job would i stop wondering what i wanted to do next and just be content with that job forever? should i be a hairstylist? my sister has so much fun with that job, shouldn't i have more fun at work? why is it that 3 nights a week, every week i have something going on? can't i just come home? or is this just life? is life just always busy? oh i bet it is......and i bet i just need to get used to it? should we move - it would be fun? like move move-to a warmer place? or move back home? who's gonna watch my baby if i go back to work? can't we live by family? we miss our ne friends, should we move closer to them? we love our kc friends, wouldn't we be sad to leave them? oh that's just life right? should we just stay in our house and try harder soak up the simple life? oh the simple life. same house for at least 5 years, stay home, make dinner, clean, play with babies........sounds nice. sounds really nice. i want that. yes. that is what i want!! can i have it now? can i quit work? how soon? can we live off of one salary? can i give up my spending on things we dont absolutely need? does money ever buy me happiness?

now. a little self-disclosre. i like self-talk. a lot.
maybe it's because i have been living alone for the first time in my life, for a year, and ive learned to talk to myself (actually i have self-talked long before this year). i talk myself through stuff.......in my mind and sometimes outloud. when i am in the workroom at school, teachers make fun of me (i dont mind) because i will literally say outloud, 'ok, grab some pink paper, now some green, and then ok.....cut it in half........and then what next, oh yeah, go mail my letter, and then hmmmmm ok use the bathroom and stop by kathy's desk). now you might think its a sign of getting old. but i like to do it. and there always a million things going on in my mind. and i am always running around school. so i forget and i get overwhelmed and so i talk myself through the day :) hahahahhaah. but it is really good practice for times when i have a serious decision or dilemma, i am well practiced and talking my way through and coming up with a likeable decision.
so while self-talking i realized i was not doing the right thing. i can't self-talk (or have endless discussions in my mind) about trying to figure out this contentment thing.
i need my sword. my sword of truth.
it's like an AH HAH moment.
yo dork - you've gotta sword from the Lord (that rhymes).....now use it!

so this sword thing........its the sword of the spirit.......and i was taught that it is basically referring to the whole bible, the word of God......... so SEARCH it. and figure out this crazy contentment thing. and quit wasting time with this nonsense battle in your mind!

well now........what do we have here?!?!? quite the sharp sword(s) ey?!?!? now i've got 3 swords to stab this contentment battle. i'm like a warrior now or something. baaahahaha.

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who endures temptation (IN MY CASE not being content); for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him

1 John 2:15-17

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love to the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world-the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life-is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.

Philippians 4:11-13

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

now to adlib alittle to jordan sparks' song battlefield..........

Why does LIFE and CONTENTMENT always feel like a battlefield???? a battlefield??? a battlefield?????

I guess you better go and get your armor (get your armor), get your armor (get your armor)

(i LOVEEEEE that song)

(and its number 5 on my playlist if you wanna hear it)

and now for some justification for my crazy CRAZY mind....that is always thinking.....and analyzing.....and wondering........and confused with my whole contentment issue...... READ the quote below! i guess i'm meant for heaven.......and so are YOU :)

"if we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were meant for another another world" - C.S. Lewis

some news :)

with a title like that,

your guess is probably right on.

yes, yes my dear sweet friends.....we're having a baby :)

{cue:tears of joy}

however, i'm sharing this {probably way to} early, because i'm asking for prayers.

...

mr. leif and i were rejoicing a couple weeks ago.

rejoicing because we found out we're pregnant. it was a friday evening. i was craving a glass of wine, as was mr. leif, but because of womanly circumstances that hadn't taken place.....we thought i should take a pregnancy test, just in case, before we opened our wine ;) well.........YIKES, it said pregnant. we freaked with excitement. last weekend was a lovely weekend.

last tuesday, i saw my dr. who confirmed the pregnancy and put me at 7 weeks and a few days, making my due date september 28! wowza!

but......with sudden signs of miscarriage on thursday, i went in for an early ultrasound friday, 3 days ago.

no heartbeat.
at 7 weeks, there should have been a heartbeat.

the rather rude ultrasound lady concluded that there is a small chance i am just not at 7 weeks yet, but instead 4-5 weeks. but with the signs of miscarraige, we need to come in soon for another ultrasound, to see what's going on.

so, a week later, this friday, we go back. that is just weird. a week later. seriously?

what? i have to wait a week until we can check again?
how am i supposed to go about my life?

am i still supposed to be excited about my baby?
how can i not worry about the dreadful news i might hear?
am i supposed to be worried that there is no longer a baby?
how do i know if this is a version of morning sickness...or the feeling of miscarriage?
am i supposed to think positively?
why have i been so focused on the negative?
am i supposed to try and figure out a solution?
why can't i fix this problem?

i know the answer those questions.
so i'll wait.
i'll wait to see what His plan is, and i'll pray. i'll pray that His plan and my plan match up.
and if they don't, i will cry and listen to music with my eyes closed. a lot. and then i'll pray in thankfulness that His plan is better than my plan.

i've never wished my weekend to go so fast, ever. but i wished for it to fly by so mr. leif can come back next thursday night and we can await our appointment friday morning.

i write all of this, as i think to myself ....why, in the world, are you sharing this with your readers....it's sort of weird and too early to share??? but it's not for me. i like to share with the people i love. it's who i am. i don't keep things in. i share. and i am sharing now because i am asking for your prayers. in the 'old days' this whole situation would have been a secret. a secret between mr. leif and i. but for me, it's healthy to unload things into others' ears. and right now, it's easiest to do it writing in this blog.

and more thanks. thanks for praying for us, and for our week to fly by. i just want to know if i need to move on, or if i can still dream of my summer being a beached whale by the pool :)

......please pray for the latter option :)

ok. ok. no more pouting around. i can't stand this. it's a holiday and we didn't have school today.
normally i would be creating something for my house, rearranging, cleaning, or organizing.... so. even though i have spent the first 4 good hours of this day on the couch, eating a cinnamon roll, pouting............i'm getting up to do something productive :)