be still.

he lays on my lap.
.....i've just retieved him from his crib
.....he was fighting a much needed nap
....i think to myself, he's only my baby roman for so long
.....there's nothing wrong with cuddling him, and nursing him to sleep, the way he seems to like it, these days.

i have him swaddled up.
......i know i need to be weening him from the swaddle
.....he needs to start sleeping without it
.....but he loves it. it calms him. it helps him settle in, snuggle in, and rest.

i put some music on from this blog.
.....it's calming and soothing
....he slowly drifts off
.....waking briefly, to eat a bit more, then off he drifts again.

i kiss his cheeks.
.....his forehead
...his lips
.....his cheeks again.

i think about how much he has grown.
.....about how time is flying
....about his birth story
......about his daddy
....about my day, home from work, enjoying my baby.

i look around.
...i see a messy room
.....i see blankets to fold
...i see a diaper to throw away
....i see my baby, sleeping on my lap.

i glance to the left and see the mirror.
....i see a mom
...i see messy hair and day-old makeup
.....i see white skin needing some sun
...i see a bigger size than i once was
.....i feel ugly
...but then i look beyond, i force myself to.
....i try not to compare myself to how i used to look
...i try not to compare myself to others
.....i try not to compare myself to the standards around me, skinny....tan...perfect smile....

i smile.
.....i'm a mom now
...i don't need to look all glam
.....i need to be who mr leif wants me to be.

happy is all he asks for.
....and i am.
happy that i have a sleeping baby on my lap.
happy that he still thinks i'm beautiful.
happy that i have a day home, from work, to be a mom.

i feel peace.
...not from anything around me
.....not from anything i've done
....but from Him.

"I am leaving you with a gift -
peace of mind and heart.
And the peace I give
is a gift the world cannot give."
John 14:27.

oh look.........the sun is shining in.
ahhhhhh, the sun. it brings so many promises.