Tuesday, March 1, 2011

being real.

i've had a pretty good last 10 days.
my mom and sis were here last week, so every day after work, i rushed home and didn't do anything else except hang out with them. avoided life, but focused on them.
the past few days, i've been sick. i did some laundry and checked work emails, but other than that, i avoided work and school, but focused on roman and getting healthy.

for the past 10 days, i've been good. emotionally and mentally i've been good.
i was fully present with family, with roman, with my husband.
it felt good. it felt where i needed to be.

today, upon taking my antibiotics, i suddenly became smacked upside the face with a feeling of being overwhelmed. it's like i know need to check back into life again, come back from my little 10 day vacation. back at it tomorrow, full day of work, followed by class until 9.

but why? why does focusing on my family, my son, and my husband need to be vacation? why can't i do that all the time. why do i have to be so strung all over the place that i can barely give any more or i'll fall apart.

well, that's where i am tonight. i'm so overwhelmed, feeling so stressed out, feeling so behind that i can't quite figure out how to put a step forward to keep going.

i literally want to crawl in a whole and cry. or hide in my closet. or lock the doors. and never leave. and quit work. and quit school.
i just want to be a mom. i just want to be a wife.

i know, i know.
being a stay at home mom is hard, like pull your hair out hard. but trying to juggle work, and school and a baby is breaking me, really.

roman is screaming. for some reason, this week, he decided he doesn't want to be perfect baby anymore, and he won't fall asleep. so we are trying to let him cry it out.
i'm behind in school. WAY behind at work. and not doing anything on track with stella and dot like i should be.

i wasn't going to share this.
but i just need to get it out.
i don't want to complain to anyone in person. and for some reason, typing this, and submitting it to the random blog world feels better. not sure why.

but you know the sickest part?
even though i'm behind in school, behind at work, behind with stella and dot. what's lacked most is my time with God. i pray randomly for help. but not on-my-knees pray. and i think it's time.
time to really call out for His help.
it's time with Him which i've forfeited the most.
and maybe that's why God is making me feel like i'm about to go over the edge.
maybe it's a call, to go to Him to find my rest.

the more girls i talk to lately, the more i am finding i am not alone with this feeling. is it the long winter or what? is it just adjusting to this new stage in life?
a stage with kids and work and husbands
and not just our simple college life that consisted of studying, part-time jobs and making plans for friday night

do i just need to buckle my seatbelt and get going, quit pouting, quick lagging along?

i don't know, but i'm in a place where i'm just stuck.
i'm ready to throw in the towel.

why do i need my masters anyway?
why do i have this job anyway?
can't i just quit.
can't i just quit.
i want to just quit.
what would happen if i quit?

i know i shouldn't publish this. i know it's a pittyparty post.
but i need to get it off of my chest.
and, honestly? i need some encouragement.

alright, goodnight sweet friends.....


  1. Hey Lady, you are def. NOT alone. (Sorry this is gonna be a long response but it pulls on my heartstrings too)
    It is hard to adjust to work, marriage and post-college life in general. I've hit a breaking wall so many times since graduating that I can't even count! The thing I take comfort in during these times is knowing that if God called me to it, He'll give me the strength to get through it.
    That being said, we can take on too much. Not saying that you are, you'll know it for yourself. When that's the case something's gotta give. I (and a lot of other women I think) end up telling ourselves that life isn't supposed to be easy and that we're a failure if we give up. Girl, that is SO not God's voice.
    No life isn't easy, but it's not supposed to be unbearable either. God wants good things for us.
    I knew God wanted me to be a nurse, so when tough times hit in nursing school I leaned on God and I made it through. Since then there have been days where I've hated going to work and I was really confused because I couldn't figure out why I was so miserable doing what God called me to. It's just that I was holding on out of fear of being a failure. When I finally let go of that fear and made a few career changes (I'm still a nurse, just work part time) I've had a ton of peace and happiness.
    I'm not saying you need to change anything, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.
    You're doing a GREAT job. Romes looks so happy and loved!!! Sending love and prayers from Pennsylvania!

  2. I feel this way sometimes and I don't even HAVE a baby. So I can't say that I've been there, but I feel ya. It's hard. I can imagine it's 100x harder with a baby.

  3. your vulnerability is so beautiful and your realness of heart ministers to me. thanks for publishing this. God is near.

    on a completely different note -- thanks for following my blog. i'm following you now too! I also featured you today on my wiggle post! xo

  4. oh, linds. i hope i can encourage you like you have encouraged me lately. i don't know what is up with all these mama funks! it seems like there's something goin' around for sure. i pray God would wrap his arms around you & hold you extra tight. that your burdens would be lifted. i pray for peace over your heart & your mind & your house. that God would give you the strength & grace you need to get through this tough season. & i pray that you would feel His presence in a powerful way today, friend! i love you!

  5. lindsey, lindsey, i am so sorry! i've had so many of these feelings lately that you wouldn't even believe it. and my babe is not even born yet!!! do you even know what good it would do my heart to go on a long walk with you and talk?

    i'm really starting to think the western world is waay too busy for my tastes. a demanding, crazy train that i don't want to ride in my lifetime...afraid that i'll look back and wonder where really living life went. i don't want that crazy life, i want to follow my heart strait to my husband and babies and friends and live life in that authentic (for me) place.

    that said, there are obligations we just can't get out of (yucky, yucky, believe me i know this and i hear you) and sometimes it's just one day at a time. one minute at a time. if you need to postpone stella and dot until the summer please please do! i'll throw you a party then.

    hugs and kisses...

  6. i read this yesterday in a hurry, but you've been on my heart all day today (and we don't even know each other!?!)

    i have SO been where you are. the things i was juggling were different than what you're juggling, but they were about as numerous, and they were way too overwhelming for me. when i began to really cry out to God for help, and when i actually gave Him a minute to speak to me, i didn't want to hear what He was saying... but He was telling me to lay down of one of my commitments. something i really loved doing but was just not feasible for this season of my life.

    this is not what i'm suggesting you need to do. i have no idea what God has called you to do, and i would never presume to know that for you... but above anything else, i hope that you will set aside some time (i know, where are you going to get this time? trust me i've been there) to really pray, like you said, but also to be still and listen. and then do what He says. His way is always the best way. it might be that He has you continue with everything you're doing, but it also might be that He asks you to lay something down.

    i'm only commenting because i have been in your position. it is a desperate feeling. i hope it helps to know we understand and you're not alone at all. and as you wrote, God may just be pushing you to your breaking point so He can get your attention. i'll be praying for you :)

  7. Hey Lindsey,

    I am just now re-finding your blog from my blog permission list thing-I'm blog-clueless really. I guess it was good timing though to see this post! Ok anyway, this overwhelmed stuff has been me in January and Feb. Different issues, not so much with time/balance etc., but with some cards that we were dealt. We missed you at the retreat and Linda gave out this list of things to "speak to ourselves" and it was a good reminder. I will share it with you if we can ever see each other:) Anyway, praying for you and that you will have hope that there is a different season ahead for you!

  8. ditto krista! i just had a second to check in on you...knowing that you have been stretched pretty thin lately... just wanted to encourage you that i love you and i'll be praying for you, friend. and if you get a little freetime, i'd love to come for a visit. (maybe molly and i could make it a mom-date?)

    hang in there!