being real.

i've had a pretty good last 10 days.
my mom and sis were here last week, so every day after work, i rushed home and didn't do anything else except hang out with them. avoided life, but focused on them.
the past few days, i've been sick. i did some laundry and checked work emails, but other than that, i avoided work and school, but focused on roman and getting healthy.

for the past 10 days, i've been good. emotionally and mentally i've been good.
i was fully present with family, with roman, with my husband.
it felt good. it felt where i needed to be.

today, upon taking my antibiotics, i suddenly became smacked upside the face with a feeling of being overwhelmed. it's like i know need to check back into life again, come back from my little 10 day vacation. back at it tomorrow, full day of work, followed by class until 9.

but why? why does focusing on my family, my son, and my husband need to be vacation? why can't i do that all the time. why do i have to be so strung all over the place that i can barely give any more or i'll fall apart.

well, that's where i am tonight. i'm so overwhelmed, feeling so stressed out, feeling so behind that i can't quite figure out how to put a step forward to keep going.

i literally want to crawl in a whole and cry. or hide in my closet. or lock the doors. and never leave. and quit work. and quit school.
i just want to be a mom. i just want to be a wife.

i know, i know.
being a stay at home mom is hard, like pull your hair out hard. but trying to juggle work, and school and a baby is breaking me, really.

roman is screaming. for some reason, this week, he decided he doesn't want to be perfect baby anymore, and he won't fall asleep. so we are trying to let him cry it out.
i'm behind in school. WAY behind at work. and not doing anything on track with stella and dot like i should be.

i wasn't going to share this.
but i just need to get it out.
i don't want to complain to anyone in person. and for some reason, typing this, and submitting it to the random blog world feels better. not sure why.

but you know the sickest part?
even though i'm behind in school, behind at work, behind with stella and dot. what's lacked most is my time with God. i pray randomly for help. but not on-my-knees pray. and i think it's time.
time to really call out for His help.
it's time with Him which i've forfeited the most.
and maybe that's why God is making me feel like i'm about to go over the edge.
maybe it's a call, to go to Him to find my rest.

the more girls i talk to lately, the more i am finding i am not alone with this feeling. is it the long winter or what? is it just adjusting to this new stage in life?
a stage with kids and work and husbands
and not just our simple college life that consisted of studying, part-time jobs and making plans for friday night

do i just need to buckle my seatbelt and get going, quit pouting, quick lagging along?

i don't know, but i'm in a place where i'm just stuck.
i'm ready to throw in the towel.

why do i need my masters anyway?
why do i have this job anyway?
can't i just quit.
can't i just quit.
i want to just quit.
what would happen if i quit?

ok.
i know i shouldn't publish this. i know it's a pittyparty post.
but i need to get it off of my chest.
and, honestly? i need some encouragement.

alright, goodnight sweet friends.....