i've never scrimped so much.
i've never spent so little.
we knew it would be.
however, something is happening through the hardships.
i'm being transformed. i'm being refined.
something beautiful is happening in my heart, and i can feel it.
recently, there have been a few things "breaking down" in our house, temptations for me to pout, to have a pitty party, to be mad at this dumb budget thing, but i'm not doing it.
i feel contentment. i feel at peace.
i never would have guessed contentment would come after cutting our income in half.
but it has.
verses keep playing in my mind throughout my day to day.
.....do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself
.....keep your lives free from the love of money
.....set your mind on things above
they keep me going. they keep me focused.
.........i wash dishes over the sink, 3+ times a day, and instead of complaining that our dishwasher has been broken for over two months, i realize this is it. this is what i'm sacrificing to be home with my baby. and it's OK. washing the dishes actually gives me time to think. it makes me be still, other than the washing motion, and ponder, and meditate. it allows me to rejuvenate for a moment.
.........AND when i go to the closet to get out our vacuum and remember it's broken? instead of complaining that it's broken, and searching target for the perfect one, i am patient. this is what i'm sacrificing to be home with my baby. and it's OK. the carpets can get a bit dirty until we find a place in our budget to pay for the vacuum. will i have to wait a couple weeks, maybe a month? probably. and it's OK. i can wait. the floors can wait.
........AND when i answer my phone, the one with a shattered screen, and think...hmmmmm.....sprint has just unleashed the new iphone. i should get it. i mean, i need it. i mean, my phone is barely hangin on by a thread here folks. instead of heading out the door to sprint, i wait, i continue to use this silly phone, and joke about how the shattered screen is a resemblance of life - and how chaotic it can be at times. this phone is what i'm sacrificing to be home with my baby, and it's OK. i can wait for a phone. in this season, i'd rather be able to use my messed up phone as a distractor while i change roman's diaper anyways. i mean, if i did have an iphone, i wouldn't allow him to go near it, and thus he would be doing barrel rolls across the living room floor while i battle him to change his diaper.
the old lindsey would have justified why we need each of those things, asap, to mr leif.
and the old lindsey would have talked him into it.
and the old lindsey would have been talking on her iphone, while vacuuming, as the dishes were being washing in the dishwasher all at the same time.
but, this new way of life has been refining for me.
i know the adrenaline will wear away.
i know difficult days lie ahead.
but there is no pressure on me to perform.
there is no pressure on me to get through this season perfectly.
and the Lords grace is sufficient for us, His power is made perfect in our weakness.
and look at this shadow.
this shadow is not of a baby.
it's of a little boy.
he's growin up.
and i get to be home. to help him.