Tuesday, March 6, 2012

i compared, shame on me.

for some reason, when toddlers start toddling around, it's like they all of the sudden develop this sense of entitlement at the same time.
little romes feels entitled to everything in the house.
every door, it must be opened.
every drawer, it must be played in.
every bottle of lotion, moroccan oil, dry shampoo, ketchup, and lime juice, he must grab...run...and hide them in his domain: under his slide.
if i don't open those doors, and drawers, and allow him to pump that moroccan oil all over the floor?
he retaliates.

i set a limit, set a boundary, and don't let him have his way?
he gives me the tears, oh...those tears, and currently his tantrum is to clinch his body and let out a "NO!"

what??? wait,
no, no, no, not myyyyyyy kid.
i mean, i'm going parent him so intentionally, he'll comply with my requests, i just know it!! right?!
and, HA!

there would be no need for Jesus and his SAVING grace, if we could orchestrate things {especially parenting} to work out "just right".

last night, some dear friends of ours invited us over for dinner.
mr leif was working late, so romy and i trekked over together.
our sweet friends have a little girl who is about one year older than romy.
and while we had our "girl/momma time"....chatting, laughing, sitting criss cross on the living room floor, their little girl sat right with us in our circle, occasionally getting a toy to play with.
but romes?
it's like he envisioned their house as a race track.
he bounced around, running from corner to corner.
pull all the books out!
dump all the puzzles!
throw the puzzle pieces!

i asked him multiple times, i picked him up and carried him over multiple times, but he would only sit for a moment, and back up, running from room to room, causing "damage" to their shelves :)

and while i know, this is "boy behavior"
i can't help but do the biggest no-no out there, compare.

i sat there, comparing our children.
why can't mine sit nicely?
why can't mine calm down just a tad?
why can't mine......

shame on me.

i knew as soon as the thoughts began, i was going down the wrong path.

how dare i compare my little romy, when he was so "fearfully and wonderfully made."
how dare i compare my little romy, when he was "knit together" so perfectly.

about 95% of the time, i'm so happy that my little romes is bouncing off the walls with so much energy. we chase each other, we hide, we run around at the park and through the house. it's fun. we soak it up. i don't mind it. exhausted? yes, but it's just fun. and it truly doesn't bother me.

but the other 5% of me.....tends to let my mind wonder....and, the educator in me always jumps far too ahead,
"will he ever be able to sit in a desk?"
"will his teachers be annoyed?"

i saw those things happen, and it's not fair to children.

i know, you probably think i'm crazy.
and, well, i am.

but i wanted to share this because even though i'm exhausted at the end of the day, roman has this zest for life, when he plays with his trucks and his animals? it makes my heart so happy. and i know that there are so many other mommas there that struggle with the comparison game, just as i. we know we shouldn't do it, but sometimes it just happens. we're human.

it's time to start dismissing those thoughts.
our children are beautiful gifts. while they're just as sinful as we are, and while it's just in their nature to have those tantrums or noncompliance - especially when you're visiting another home , it's my job to mold him, to pray for him, and to give him grace, as he gets his energy out :)


last night, i lay in bed, and said to mr leif, "i'm just exhausted. sometimes taking roman to a friend's house for dinner is more work than it is enjoyable."

and then it was silent.
he does that,
mr leif, he kills me with silence sometimes.

but good things always come from the quiet.

and then, it hit me, so i started rambling again......."i'm just so grateful for new mercies each morning, even though i can barely keep my eyelids open right now, i KNOW i'll be ready to go in the morning! rested and ready to jump into the day"

God is so good.
and those mercies came.

today is a new day :)

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