Tuesday, August 28, 2012

what is it about not wanting to get out of bed?

one time i wore this green maxi dress three days in a row.  it's long and basically feels like pajamas.
i could justify leaving the house in it because it's not pajamas, even though i've treated it as so.
and then also, there was the time that i had to rewash a load of laundry three times.  
because i would wash it, and then never move it to the dryer, so it just sat there.  getting musty.

august has been a difficult month for me.  for the first time in my stayathomemomma life, or really, life in general, i've had multiple days (sometimes in a row) of not wanting to get out of bed.
i walk around half awake just making sure roman doesn't destroy the house, or himself ;)
and sure, i could chalk it up to pregancy, being so sleeping, and feeling so nauseas. 
but there's something else underneath the surface of just wanting to sleep.  
it's a yucky feeling of loneliness/whats my purpose again/i don't really want to do anything....

i love being a momma, and i know full well my purpose is glorify GOD in how i raise roman, from my actions to my words to my heart.  and i tried to do all sorts of self talk, "comeon lindsey, just get moving, you can do this, think about your chief purpose".  
still. even though i knew those things. 
my flame was dim.
my fire barely lit.
i just felt sort of dark.

and when you find yourself in a place like that, you begin thinking irrational thoughts.
thoughts like, we should move.  back home.  why aren't we around our family?
thoughts like, we need a basement, or at least a fenced in backyard, or atleast a second bathroom.  i can't have a newborn in this house with wild roman.  no one will sleep.
and, thoughts like, am i depressed? what's wrong with me? can i just sleep here on the couch and trap roman in the room so he's "safe"?  
i'll clean the house right before mr leif comes home.  then he won't know how bad it's getting during the day around here.  (even though he really doesn't care if our house is clean anyways, i just didn't want to reveal my heart to him.  yet)

so i trudged on like that.
i took a trip back to nebraska.  and it was too good to be true.
so you can imagine what kind of transitional week i had coming home from that.
after seeing roman with his uncles, his gmas, his 2nd cousins, his great aunts and uncles, and the rest of our huge family all back in our tiny town?  after seeing him thrive in country, in the wide open spaces?
we came home, to KC, and i felt like our walls were caving in around us.
by wednesday of that week, i couldn't take it.

a combination of pregnancy hormones, sleeplessness, and weak emotional state led to an hour+ sob sesh.  from me, to mr leif.  poor guy.  i think he heard me ugly cry and sniff and wipe snot while basically saying the same stuff over and over again.  but he just listens so well.  and when i say, "say something! tell me something to make me feel better!"  he usually just says a few small words.  less is more.  and they are balm to my heart.  
but they're just kind of like one application chap stick.  pretty soon it's wore off and you need to reapply.  with something better.

better?  how about best: HIS word.  
His powerful healing words that are so beautifully written.  written to calm our minds, soften our hearts, and help ignite our little flames.  it feeds us.  it gives us hope.

i wrote a bit from 2 corinthians 12 the other day, but truly, this whole chunk right here has rescued me these past two weeks:
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

[my version goes something like this: we're given hard days, hard weeks, hard months, and even sometimes hard years and they make us weak and vulnerable, sad and exhausted, lonely and confused.  but we aren't supposed to end there and just mope around in those feelings.  nor are we to beg for God to stop the madness.  but instead, we can find strength, confidence, joy and rest in our heavenly father, because while we ARE weak, he is strong, so VERY strong.  in our weakness we need a savior, we need someone to rescue us.  and when we run to him, he saves us. he already saved us.  now, rest in him]

i'm still struggling with motivation in the mornings a bit.
wrapped up in blankets while romes plays on the deck at the crack of dawn.

but mostly? i'm doing lots better.  
it took honesty to myself
it took honesty to my husband
and, it took running to my savior, so he could do exactly what he does.

the name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.
proverbs 18.10

just like food gives the body energy, His word will nourish our heart.
the biggest thing i've learned from this past month(ish) is to keep my nose in His book.
why is it easy to put it off?  why can i go days without soaking it in?
it's ok though.  he picks us up, and we're alive in him.
soaked in his grace. forgiven. and given life.

yes, i struggle. sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, and sometimes really mega huge.
and i know you do too.
maybe not for days in a row.  but we all have our low moments.
[moments where we realized we just ate a whole bag of candy corn. we bought it less than 48 hours ago.]
and i want to give you hope.  and share with you how our heavenly FATHER can revive us.
i want to encourage you to seek HIS face.

now, it's time to go throw my empty bag of candy corn away.
i must hide the evidence.


  1. Hi Linds,

    I love this post. I love it because I think that we all go through these patches but noone ever wants to talk about it or tell others because we all hold a perception that our lives need to be perfect and that we should be happy all the time because everyone else is.. As friends I think it is really importnat that we share with eachother how we feel so that we can help each other learn that these things are okay and that we ALL go through this.
    Have you read the book The Happeness Trap?? It is really good for times like these.

    I hope you are feeling better

    xxxx Celia

  2. ack,
    so what i needed to hear just now.
    i've had a pretty bad day.
    husband's gone for 3.
    i feel like i'm barely hanging on to day 1.
    had to ask forgiveness to my girls tonight.
    numerous times.
    i'm not even pregnant.
    what is WRONG with me?
    am i depressed?
    so anxious.
    no patience.

    haven't read my bible in so super long.
    haven't had a moment to even talk with HIM. cry out to HIM.


    i need HIM so badly.
    i miss HIM so.

    and all of this clicks while reading your blog.
    i love you.
    and i love that you point people to jesus every single time.
    even though you are SO pregnant right now. [the sobbing part kinda made me laugh...just because i can SO relate. i was a HOT pregnant MESS. not even hot. just a mess.]

    let it out, momma. you are such a HUGE encouragement to me :)

  3. i understand every word you wrote, so very very clearly.

    this year has been a rough one for me. It's an "off" year, can you say? i can't tell you how many sad little walks I've gone on, all by myself, just to clear my head.

    and then HE comes and rescues me. Yes, I wanted to sprint out of my trials. but like you said. I should not ask Him to take them away. And now, I would not trade my sitch for the world, because it has brought me closer to him than ever imaginable.

    hang in there, cutie pie in a green dress. wish i could visit with you and have a nice long chat.