Friday, September 14, 2012

our little roman.

well, hello  :)  
i have to tell you, i've had all these pictures of roman, just sitting in this post, for about 3 weeks now.
and i've began writing multiple posts to go with them,
but i never finish them, i come back to finish, and decide to rewrite it,
and then i don't finish that one either, and the cycle continues.

so.  i'm going to stop the cycle madness.
and just let my fingers flow with typing, as they slowly open up the door to my thoughts.

  if i could just freeze time right now.
and life was just the three of us? well, and baby too :)
and we were just sitting in the living room building legos, happy as ever?
and we could do this every day for the rest of our lives?
and you wouldn't grow up. 
and we wouldn't have to deal with other stuff?
well, then my sweet son.  it would be a perfect world.
 you see, like so many children, amongst his energetic, life-loving self, little Romy has another side to him.
one that's confusing to us.
of course pictures don't show it.
because, well, when he's having a moment.  it's not like i'm thinking about pulling the camera out.

and i've been hesitant to talk about it, because i know that no child is perfect.  they all have their moments, ones you wouldn't choose to photograph.  but sometimes, there's something that pulls on your momma heart a little bit stronger.
sort of like when your child isn't sleeping well and is fussy.  and you just know it must be an ear infection.  and then. you go to the doc.  and you're right.  double ear infection.
it's that momma instinct.
that's what i'm feeling.

 some days will be hard.  i know this.  it's part of parenting.
but sometimes things happen that really overwhelm me....
like when we practically got asked to leave the hair salon yesterday, because little roman can't quite handle/process the noise and the act of getting his hair cut.  
or seeing roman struggle in our PT/OT therapy session this morning, 
i'm sort of just bleehhh. and overwhelmed. and tired.

i mean, i knew that parenting didn't come with a manual.
but sometimes you just really want a manual :)
oh romy.  you thrive at home.  with your momma.
and while you do have a small group of kids that you "trust"..... for the most part?
we'll just say social situations aren't your forte.  
it's been a confusing and frustrating road for me.
and, well, trying to help you process the sensory overload of certain noises? i'm in new territory.

i've shook off my insecurities, thinking people probably just assume i baby him,
and now i am certain, i have a momma instinct that is telling me to advocate for my child.
because, it's my job.

so, along with physical therapy to help your intoeing [pigeon toes!]
you also go to occupational therapy for your sensory processing needs.
they both take place at the same clinic, and these women are gifts.  
they're blessings that have swooped in and wrapped arms of knowledge, care, and empathy right around you.  and me.
i'm more thankful than words can describe, for the therapists and their ability to see your needs, and that they share a concern for them with me

but at the same time, i'm confused. and worried. 
however, i'm learning to slowly turn my worries over to the Lord.  to losen my momma grip.
and though it might just be one finger at a time,  i can feel with each moment of release, that the Lord doesn't skip a beat.
He so smoothly slips right in, and takes over.
calming my heart.  reassuring me He's right here, and that our life isn't supposed to be easy.
did i just think this momma gig would be a cinch?
when i read romans 5, i can't help but smile, as i think if the struggles i've  come through in my role as a momma so far, to our little roman.  and i can't help but have hope.

because i need help, i struggle.  i need a savior.
but when i suffer, i learn how to persevere, and that builds character.  and through that, i can hope.
and to hope is a gift.
my savior died for me.  not because i had it all together, and rocked at this thing called life.
nope!  he died for me because i stink at life.  and i need him to rescue me.

i guess for me, once again, it confirms why we hit bumps in the road.
if we didn't have bumps?  we wouldn't need a savior, no need to be rescued.
and sometimes those bumps are just a really big pot hole.
and, that's where i'm finding myself at the moment.
one. giant. parenting. pothole.  
i know we'll be on our way again soon, out of this "hole".
and i know it's just part of parenting - one decision after another :)

but, right now thoughts are swarming.
this morning at his therapy we talked a bit about the future.
meaning, we began talked about school for romes and what our plans were.  
yikes. i thought he was still my baby?! :)

ahhh.  why is parenting so scary?  can't i just stick to figuring out how to cure his diaper rash, and not have to think about how to help him process the sound of another child's loud voice without freaking out?

obvi.  way too many lots questions are bouncing around in my brain.
so.  there's my thoughts.  all splattered out in this post.
giving you a glimpse into our lives at the moment.
 and maybe you find yourself struggling too.
if so, hopefully reading about mine, will help you feel not so alone.

i know romes was knit together fearfully and wonderfully.  i know these issues are more mine than his.
and while we are most definitely in a state of decision making, worry, and prayer,
don't you worry - - - we're still having fun.

this momma done went and became a circus groupie this week.
tuesday, we tracked those elephants down and watched them hop off the circus train.
wednesday, we went and had lunch with the grey beasts.
and this weekend?  we're goin to see'em in action.  

we know what lights up our little guy's eyes.
and we won't let scary big parenting issues get in the way of enjoying the animals.
about a year ago, i was in such a low place - - - the tug at my heart to stay home with my child was raging, more than i'll ever be able to explain.  little did i know at the time, the Lord would eventually answer my prayers :)
and now, look back on this past year, me as a full time momma at home. and romes as a full time one year old?
i can't think of any place i'd rather be, then right here.
at home,
raising my child,
making these difficult parenting decisions,
sometimes making grilled cheese for lunch 4 out the 5 days a week,
and of course, learning about every truck that ever exists.

we might just have a really long shaggy mullet because we can't seem to cut that hair, 
but hotdang.  we'll master the sound an elephant makes, even if it means stalking the circus.

and now you get 74 gold stars if you read this whole post.  yikes. i didn't realize it was this long.


  1. The long hair looks cute!
    Even though we waited 2 long years for this baby and pregnancy, there are still days that I'm terrified about being responsible for another human being. It's hard work! I just try to remind myself that I'm the one the Lord chose to give this little one to and He'll give me what I need to do it.
    You're doing great!

  2. i love you so much. and i'm so proud of you for getting the help Roman needs. He's a gift, that is for sure. I know Ollie is a very very special gift from above, all with my other boys. But there is just a little something extra that makes my mama heart puddle in the floor when i see Ollie thriving and happy.

    i'm convinced YOU are the perfect mama for him. you is kind. you is smart. you is important.

    i know exactly how it feel for your child to wig out in public and to feel completely helpless. but the cool thing is...things will get SO MUCH BETTER. ollie is doing awesome in preschool, cubbies and speech. but i'm still scared to death about kindergarten next year, so i understand your worries. but i know in advance that the Lord will figure it out for us.

    one other thing. you will do what works for Roman. And when something doesn't work, you stop and try something else. keep it simple like that:)

    and you deserve 74 gold stars if you made it through this long comment. ha.

  3. he's perfect, linds- {we love romey boy!}....keep up the fabulous mama work! love that you're documenting this very-real part of his journey...even tho it's hard....& i know all those apt's aren't easy {especially with a baby-in-belly to take along too}! xoxo!

  4. oh, my friend.
    this is so heavy & light all at the same time.
    heavy because i can SO relate to these momma issues.
    when something isn't right, we as moms just know it. we do.
    and it's scary to take the right steps because we fear for the what-ifs, ya know?
    but it's light because i know you are casting your cares on HIM. and He makes our burdens light. they're not ours to carry anyways.
    i love you. and i'm proud of you for who you've become as a mother.
    i remember the posts about your aching heart, longing to be home with your boy.
    and now, here you are.
    you inspire me, linds.
    and i love you so, so much.
    wish i could bear hug you in person.
    and then cry a little.
    i love walking through this momma journey with people like you.
    even if you are on the other side of the screen :)

  5. I'm reading this at 1 in the morning and so commenting might be dangerous because my brain shut off a while ago.... but I just had to comment, because as I read I just felt for you, and I also had to thank God.
    I thanked God that He gave YOU as a mama to Roman, because you are just what he needs, the perfect mommy for your amazing and special little boy.
    and I feel for you, because hoo boy, parenting IS hard. The hardest thing ever. But the rewards are richer than anything else in this world, and as I read this post I see your rewards already coming to you for your dedication and sacrifice and desire to do what is right and best for your boy-- and the other little Leif on the way too. :)
    I love what Molly said, about Him making our burdens light-- true words indeed. we carry some pretty heavy burdens as mothers sometimes. But really, we don't carry them. God does!!
    now that's awesome.
    keep trusting, keep praying, keep doing exactly what you are doing-- raising your Roman to the best of your ability, with God's grace.
    (and that's another thing that's awesome-- if we DO mess up? God's grace! it's there! whew!)
    ok, so, I'm rambling... but I'm so glad you share so much with us. I love hearing things straight from your (beautiful, wonderful, godly) heart. you always bless me and make me think.
    i love you, and you're in my prayers!

  6. Hey!
    i came across your blog through davi's blog today.
    oh my.
    i'm so thankful i did.
    your son is beautiful, and your words, mama, are life. truly, to read of your love for your son, and the honesty with which you talk about the difficult times is beautiful.
    i am also the mama to a one year old little boy, and we are going through some tough times with him. reading this post today was very very timely.
    thank you! i can't wait to keep reading. xoxo