my parenting, a hot mess.

yesterday was not good.

roman pretty much dropped to the floor in a pile of tears anytime he was told no,

anytime one of his toys was "stuck"

or anytime he felt the slightest bit of frustration in any way.

but that's not the bad part.

no, this is where i come in.

i made things ugly.

i lost my patience.

i spoke in a way that didn't sing a song of gratitude.

i took no time to reflect on my blessings.

and, i said two prayers out loud for roman and i, asking God to help him make good decisions and to give me patience.  

though, i didn't even really try to be patient. ever.  it was basically a fake prayer.

sometimes, just the sound of his whiny voice sets me off.  in seconds.  i go from calm, to a very "not calm".

yes, we have 87 moments where we cuddle, and giggle, and chase, and make tooting sounds, and snuggle, and give kisses.

but then, the one not-so-nice moment comes.

and i'm faced with the choice.

discipline?

or smooth things over, aka give in.

i usually try to choose discipline.  it's my duty, but it's exhausting.

but honestly, if it's just another piece of gum he wants? if that will quiet him? and calm him?

it's so easy, so tempting to just given him the silly gum.  even if i've said no.

but it's my job to stick to my guns.

and it's exhausting.

and i only have one child. oh dear.

how do you do it with multiple children?

the long days?

the consistency?

the whining.....hold me.

ahhhh.  what a season of life.

and, what a gift.

when i stop to reflect, i realize yes.  it IS a gift.

the lord has GIVEN me a child. 

i have been blessed with the ability to mold a little heart to run fast to jesus.

so, at the end of the day, the long and exhausting day, i have hope.

hope in my gift of motherhood.

hope in the grace and mercy i receive in response to my poor mothering choices.

and hope that because of jesus, my sad attempts at being a momma are wiped clean and made perfect.

and that, is beautiful.

and for now?

i'm gonna go make sure this happens today: