our home.

our house is for sale.

actually, it's been for sale since october.  for 4 months.

we're staying in kansas city.  we're just praying and pursuing a different home.  

one with more room to expand our family.  and one that is a tad closer to our church family.

yes, we're the geniuses that put our house on the market right when winter strikes and the house-sale market slows way down.  but we're also the proud parents bringing in a wee little baby in march, and thought, we better try now, before things get cray cray up in herrrrrrrr.  and before we try and stuff the two kids into the same room :)  sleeping nightmare?  could be.  but hey, it could also totally work!

...

i wasn't going to write about it on here, and maybe just announce it later when we ended up moving.

but you know what? this has been such a process for my heart, for my contentment in the unknown, for releasing control, and....i want to document this part of our life

i want to look back and read about this season, and remember.

i want to remember the hard days of having a messy house, a fussy toddler, and a being sick or tired pregnant mom rushing around trying to pick up so someone can come look at the house.  sometimes happening three times a week. 

i want to remember the process of working on our budget as we look to our next potential home, whatever the size, wherever the location, as a gift from the Lord, and not as something we're entitled to because we live in America, and because we work, and because we think we deserve a nice home.

i want to remember how the Lord has humbled me as i fed myself lies, telling myself, i need more closet space so that mr leif doesn't have to hang his clothes in the living room, or a another bathroom, or a place for our guests to sleep other than the couch, 

when really, we have all we need.

He always supplies, ALL that we need.

so i'm going to write about it today, while we're smack in the middle, while we don't know the outcome.  we'll look back in a year, and see where the Lord has taken our family.  we know it could mean a different home.  or, we know it could mean being right where he already has us.  He is good, and He is the mastermind behind our little life, we are trusting in his timing.

...

so. you can't tell from this picture below, because i hid the sign, but this beautiful little home went on the market last fall.  we've had over 30 showings, sometimes 3 a week,  and still, the Lord has not provided a buyer.  and that is ok.

deep down, we don't really want to leave our home.

we've spent almost 5 years here.

so much love and hard work has been poured into this little house, to make it our home...

mr leif has spent countless hours building things, remodeling things, and keeping up with all the maintanence that a home built in 1949 requires.

and, even more dear to our hearts, it's where lots, and lots, and lots of memories have been made here.

it's where we started our family and it's where i braved the scary first years of becoming a momma :) 

it's within these walls, that our marriage has grown, we've taken our bff status to a whole new level.

and, it's where we've had longggg discussions, on how we will possibly make ends meet this month, just to follow them up with prayers of thanksgiving the following month, as we've seen the Lord meet our needs so faithfully.

it's where we've taken on big projects, and squeezed them into our budget, and it's where a daddy and son relationship has bloomed into a beautiful gift :)

it's where we've celebrated life, and it's where prayers have been answered :)

and, it's where we've been blessed to be surrounded with creation :)

but, we're open to moving.  we're praying.  and pursuing.

we live about 30 minutes from the majority of our church family.

 and as our family expands, i've realized how much i am leaning on them for support, for friendship, for my social life, for fellowship :)  we don't have any family around, so they are IT, they are our family.  and we long to be closer. hauling two little kids around the city isn't always the most convenient, or gas-friendly!  living near them would be a gift.

and yes. some more space would be nice.  not necessary, but nice. more space would be a gift.

could we make it work here in this little home forever? yes!

can we continue to fill this home with children and love and good times?  you betcha!

i think about all those apartment dwellers in NYC, they squeeze their little fams right in!

we're trying to take things one day at a time, but sometimes, this house on the market thing is just plain exhausting!  

especially with a wild, messy, toddler and a preggo momma, and NO family around to lean on.

on any given moment of the day, my house looks like this in almost every room:

and then, we get a phone call and are notified of a showing at such and such a time.  so then, i race around cleaning up, and roman races around tearing things apart.  we do a quick wipe down, lay out fresh towels, vacuum up a bit, and rush out in the nick of time.  sometimes, the showings are during meal time.  this isn't too budget friendly, because most of the time we've ended up needing to eat out.

romy doesn't mind though :)

but sometimes?  sometimes the showing is smack dab in the middle of his naptime.  actually a lot of the time.  so then i have pick up the house with a cranky kid, and then drive around while he sleeps, and pray that i can transfer him in to continue his nap after the hour has passed and we return home.

and then i realize... 

those are SO first world "problems."

it's a heart check, every single day.

am i pursuing control, or contentment.

and pretty soon, we'll have a baby.  so who knows, maybe we'll just stay here for a while longer.

maybe we'll be moving right when the baby comes. HA!  maybe we'll move this summer? maybe we'll wait a couple more years?   maybe maybe, baby.  it's limbo.

and it's trying to drive me crazy, but i'm not letting it.

paul tells us in philippians 4.7 that the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard our hearts and our minds...and then in verse 8, he tells us to meditate on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable.
no where does it say to worry.

i repeat to myself, all day long,
"fix my eyes on things above, look to the heavens, where my heart is-there will be my treasure also"
over and over.

i want to share with you a quote that is helping me work through this season and my battle to want control ALL.OF.THE.THINGS. on my own:

‎"When a woman has a kingdom heart, she has an active understanding of what matters most to the heart of God. She lives in the balance of passion and contentment. She learns to love well, give without regard to self, and forgive without hesitation. The woman with a kingdom heart may have a duffel bag full of possessions or enough treasures to fill a mansion, but she has learned to hold them with an open hand. Hold everything with open hands. I don't think we are ever allowed to grab hold of anything or anyone as though they matter more than the kingdom of heaven. When you hold your dreams with open hands, you get to watch God resurrect what seemed dead and multiply what seemed small." 
- - - from the book "A Beautiful Offering", by Angela Thomas {an awesome book!}

love well.
give without regards to self.
forgive without hesitation.
hold whatever possessions i have with an open hand.
pursue a kingdom heart.
amen.