baby number two.

dear little baby,

you haven't made many appearances on this blog yet.
but don't you worry, that will change as soon as you arrive :)

 i could sit here at type that i feel bad about not documenting this pregnancy more, but i don't, because i know that  mostly i've been in a processing state of contentment, while at the same time focusing hard on parenting your big brother.  he's 2 now, and he's quite the little guy :)

you see, dear baby, your daddy made me promise not to find out if you were a boy or a girl.

he tells me, "hey! we have a 50/50 chance!" with a big witty grin.

so, i have kept up my end of the deal.

and with 3, THREE, different sonograms at 20+ weeks, i've had THREE different times to cave,

to beg him. 

and i've joked about it with others, that, "i should totally just find out, i should demand it!"

but, deep down, i've known from the start, i'd let your daddy win.

and, as i begin to piece together these last 7 months of this pregnancy journey, i come back to that same word, contentment.

and so, because i haven't known your gender and because of another a logistical reason, that i shall write about soon, i haven't been able to set up a baby room for you, or begin to wash and buy teency weency baby things.  i haven't been able to settle on any names, because it's been so hard to pick one of each.  and, i haven't been able to make a prediction when people ask me, "what do you think you're having?" 

in the beginning those "cant's" drove me nuts.  insane.

i thought, what if you're a girl? i'll have no girl things to prepare for you? gasp.

i thought, where will you sleep?  roman is still very much into his crib?
and, we don't have another room available for you! gasp.

i thought, where will i put your blankies, and swaddlers, and clothes, and your things? i don't have a closet or dresser available! gasp.

but, as time has gone on, the control freak in me and the "i need to know these things so i can properly prepare!",  has slowly diminished and been replaced with: contentment.

little baby, you shall sleep in our room.  in a pack and play!  right next to our bed.  

and if you're too noisy? i'll wheel you out into the living room :)

little baby, we'll find a place to put your little clothes and your things, maybe i'll make your daddy clean out his tshirt drawer, and you can have that space!

little baby, you'll get a name, and it will be just perfect for you!

little baby, none of these silly nesting things will even matter to you!

and maybe? by some miracle, i can even put you in your big brother's room with him!

...just promise not to wake him up!

i'll probably look back at this post someday, and think, how silly was i to let these things bother me.

why did i really struggle to not know all those details, it all worked out!
and i know it will!

but the impatient, overly organized and prepared person that i am has been challenged.

for me, to work through this season has been so good for my heart.

now that i stay home full time, i have had plenty of time to dream about preparing another room, washing little clothes, telling roman about a "sister" or "brother", and those dreams have been met with reality and that reality has forced me to sit back, relax, and just be.  

so i thank you, little baby, for being the tool that the Lord has used to bring me to a place of contentment.

a place that some would have arrived at much easier and sooner than i, 

but i'm here.

ready to soak up these last 9 weeks.

ready to hear those words, "it's a _____!!!!!!!!!"

ready to bring you home, to our little home.

babies change their mommas hearts. they become toddlers, and toddlers become little children, and at each step of the way, they challenge those hard parts of their momma's hearts.  they find those buttons to push, and they reveal what their mommas often don't want to see in themselves.

but, it's such a perfect reason for us mommas to turn to Jesus, because we can't do this mother thing alone.

so fancy that, that i would already be challenged by you, little baby, and the unknown that you have provided me to be ok with.  thank you, sweet baby.

love, 

momma.

and now, for a little photo recap.

 19 weeks,

momma had a hott date with daddy.

 20 weeks,

the morning of your sonogram

 24 weeks,

on the escalator at nordstroms, it easily goes on your brother's list of favorites.

25 weeks,

a late night target dressing room sesh.

 27 weeks, 

cooking, with swiper off to the left :)

 28 weeks, 

getting ready for a date with your daddy.

29 weeks,

you're a resting place for roman's arm.

30 weeks,

a sweet round accessory to me.

. . .

and now, for my own memory's sake, a little pregnancy journal update.

baby 2:

i felt so yucky up until about 19 weeks, but now no more nausea unless i go too long without eating something!

i still don't have much of an appetite and a lack of cravings, other than my usual love affair with sweets.

i try to make healthy smoothies, because they always seem to sound good.

but other than that, i struggle everyday trying to think of what sounds like something i can eat.

i'm so ready to have a normal appetite again.

[much like my first pregnancy] 

my heartburn is a little worse this time, it wakes me up a lot, but my doctor has helped me find some medicine for that.  and though it's unrelated, at our last sono, the sonographer saw lots of hair on your head, yay!

[much like my first pregnancy]

i can't lay on my back for more than a minute before i start to feel sick.  it's almost a feeling like someone is sitting on my chest and my gut.  it makes it hard to breathe, and often times i wake up in an awkward dizzy pain if i've rolled over on my back in the night.  these are all normal things, as laying on your back can shut off circulation to your main vein circulating from your heart to lower body.  i think i will buy a body pillow to help prop me up on my side better.

[this never happened with my first pregnancy, i could easily sleep on my back!]

wiggle mania.

this baby does.not.stop.moving.  actually it does, but rarely.  and when he or she gets moving, i swear, it's a dance party up in there.  i'm praying for a laid back, easy going baby.  but i suppose the Lord could very well have other plans.  :)  :)  :)

[much like my first pregnancy]

while i look at that list, i think, hmmmm, that may come off as a negative journal.

however, i've truly embraced, or am embracing each of those symptoms.

i am so grateful to be able to carry this baby.

i know that having a baby knit together inside of me will most likely not be an easy ride :)

though each of these symptoms affect me, i welcome them as part of the pregnancy process!

and, as i've learned with roman, motherhood is a selfless act of service, all.the.time.

so, it's quite logical, the growth of a baby would take its toll too :)

ok.

signing off.

it's the middle of the night.

i need to go back to bed

and tomorrow, i need to go buy that body pillow!