and i'm sorry.
but... then i wouldn't be completely honest.
can i be honest? ok. thanks :)
truth is....... being a mom is hard. it's really hard. and i know this is only the beginning of the 'hardness' :)
from the moment the umbilical cord was cut (by mr leif!) there was the most overwhelming rush of responsibility that slapped me upside the face. as if i was driving 90 miles an hour, and i smacked into a brick wall. it was a good collision though.
although this has been the HARDEST 2 weeks and 5 days of my life, i know it's not always like this. i know it gets easier........well, ahem.....i mean, i know that i will get through this crazy haze of overwhelming hopelessness. that we will find a routine. that i will know his cries. that i will get used to the sleepless nights. it will become the norm - and not just some crazy rollercoaster ride.
no, i don't think i'm enduring postpartum depression. to be honest, i think every new mom will feel what i am feeling. with your first baby, it's hard to relax. it's hard to be at ease when they are refusing to sleep. is he over tired? is he still hungry? does he like to be swaddled? oh great, does he hate to be swaddled? why don't i have the 'happiest baby on the block'?? how do i become 'babywise'!?!?
this is all just part of the switch. the switch from wife to wife/mother. the switch from the easy life, to the 'holy cow, i'm responsible for another human being' life. and it takes a little time, a few weeks i think. i'm slowly adjusting to the demands of being needed all day. all night.
but. just as i've heard from many, so many, other mothers........the good does outway the bad.
yes, your newborn will melt your heart 100,00,000,000,000,000,000,000 times more than m&m's in your palm on a hot summer day. however........you come home from the hospital, and you are sore. you have 'wounds' that need taken care of. you are tired. you are confused at what your baby needs. you are wondering if you are doing the right thing. you wish someone was around 24/7 to tell you if you are on the right track or not..... you need sleep. you have a weird looking body. you don't know what clothes to put on. your maternity clothes don't fit. your regular clothes don't fit. you miss your hubby when he goes back to work. you feel alone.
but......it passes. it does!
just this week i really feel that we have reached a new level of bonding. i'm feeling more and more confident each day.
just this week we are starting to settle into a routine.......it might be a bit discombobulated, but it is a routine none the less.
just this week i've mastered returning a shirt to the gap while rocking rome in his carseat with my foot-simultaneously.
just this week i've figured out how to nurse romes while eating cereal at the same time during our mid morning feeding.
i didn't want to write a post that sounded like i'm not enjoying motherhood. or that i'm sad. or that i'm in despair. because i'm not! i'm LOVING this new life. it's a gift. please believe me 100% when i say, this is the BEST gig ever. but also, hear me when i say it's been hard. each time i've clicked on 'new post' these past couple weeks......i wasn't sure what to write.......so i stuck with little posts and a few pictures. i knew that i wanted to share this struggle i've been enduring though. and i've chosen to share so that i can get it off my chest, and move forward...... :)
pray for me. for me as a mother. and a wife. that i will meet the needs of both my son and my husband. and that i too would pray. it's crazy that the day flies by, and i think, wow......i haven't even stopped to say a prayer, let along have any quiet time with my God.
i love him so much.
it is indescribeable.
i take a trillion pictures of my little lovie each day.
i kiss him a bajillion times each day.
i sing to him songs i've made up while i change him, and while he nurses.
i snuggle with him in bed after our early morning feeding.
and love him so much its crazy.
You are taking time to tell God how thankful you are for your baby boy everyday when you hold him, love him, sing to him and take care of him :) Even if you aren't consciously praying, God is watching over you as you take care of the child He gave you. Remember that being a mom is hard work, but that you will be the most amazing mom to Roman because you are the only one he has! The love you share is unconditional! Love you friend :)
ReplyDeleteahh, linds. this post makes me wanna laugh & cry all at the same time. never ever ever be ashamed to say it's hard. cause it is. some days (especially in the beginning) it's really, really, pull your hair out, cry in your pillow, kinda hard. & us moms need each other! we need a good dose of what's real so we can encourage & support & pray for each other in the good & the bad. your LOVE for your sweet boy & the good Lord above shines through every single word in this post. roman is such a lucky guy to have you. i miss you in blogland, but i know you're in the figuring out stage. just know we're all a bunch of newbies around here (i still feel like i don't know what i'm doing & a&e are FOUR! GAH!) so hang in there, mama. don't put so much pressure on yourself (i'm preaching to the choir here! ha!) i love love love you & i'm sure you're doing such a great job! i'll pray for you this week too. just know you can cry on my shoulder any time!!!!! really. i'm here. just in california. on the other side of the us of a. boo.
ReplyDeleteHi there, new commenter here. I just want to say that I'm saying a prayer for you. Man, your words brought back a flood of memories! It is so hard and so worth it at the same time. It's hard to put it all into words, but you did a great job. You ARE doing a great job! The reason it's hard is because you love him so much. You just want to do what's right for your son. Try to remember that he'll survive you and you'll survive him. It's okay to be flexible. Something that took me a while to learn {like after I had my second daughter}. A little formula, a little crying (by both of you), some outings during nap time, they will adjust. You are a beautiful mama with a precious son.
ReplyDeleteLinds-
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for our little convo on Friday! It is so comforting to know that someone else is going through the same emotions etc... Your post was beautifully written and so true and you aren't alone girl! I hope that we can continue to lean on one another during this crazy/rewarding ride. :) I will continue to pray for ya! coming from a new mom of a 6 week old (yikes) it does get better and I don't even think that I am into the really great part yet so there is hope I promise! :) My sister wrote me a card before I had Colin and her advice was to "remember that there are a million ways to raise your children, so do what works for you. You will question your choices and decisions all the time but just know that its because you want what is best for your baby. You will know exactly what to do when the time comes, there is something inside you that just takes over. Never hesitate to ask questions but keep in mind that you really do know your baby best."
Mel
how have I not commented on your blog in forever, my dear Lindsey?? I just realized that today. Of course I've been reading your posts, but somehow the words in my head never made it to this white box here. hehe. I'm sorry about that, and I hope you don't think I've forgotten about you and your wee little one! you've been in my prayers every day, because while my joy for you has been practically overflowing every day since Roman made his appearance, I also remember and know how HARD these first weeks are.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you wrote this and were honest, because I have been wondering how you really and truly are handling it all. You're right, Linds: every single new mom feels this way. It's completely normal. Having a baby for the first time is the most life-changing thing that can happen, one of the biggest adjustments you will ever have to make.
I can already see what a GREAT mom you are, and I hope you never ever doubt that of yourself. The moments of insecurity and wondering, the times when you maybe feel like you just can't do it all... that's a part of it.
I think, I really do, that one has to just SURVIVE the first weeks with a baby. it's just so hard. Like you said, it's wonderful too, and someday you'll look back on this time and actually miss it (seems hard to believe, I know! hehe)... but right now, in the thick of it, you just have to survive. And then, one day, you'll wake up and realize you got more than three hours of sleep. And his eating/napping is starting to follow a pattern. And you can have a little of your life back. you can get things done and feel normal again. Then they start going to bed earlier and suddenly, just like that, you've got some alone time with the hubby again! It all starts to fall back into place, one piece at a time, I promise. It starts to feel normal. But, it's an even BETTER normal than it was before, because you've got a baby. :)
Anyway, this comment is a book (sorry!), but I just want you to be encouraged... and please know I'm praying for you each day. I love you ever so much, and I love your little romyroo too. :)
you've got my number. Call me sometime, if you want, we'll have a mommy chat!!!! :)
I read this post earlier today and have been thinking I wanted to comment but was just not quite sure what I wanted to say. But I must say Wow Talia, you have a way with words...she has nailed it on the head Linds! And so with my "dido" to what Talia said, know that I am just a few short blocks away if you need anything...whatever minor or major that might be. And that we have you, Case, and Romeo in our prayers. :)
ReplyDeleteLindsay dear,
ReplyDeleteI shed a tear or two reading this. You are so precious and sweet. Please know that you are not alone. Here I am 4 kids later and I still have days/seasons where everything feels wacky and out of sorts. Yesterday I cried real tears because our fridge and pantry were practically empty and I did not know what to make for dinner and John had a late night. And today was pretty challenging too. On days like these I realize how desperately I need the Lord just to scrape through the day and that's a wonderful(though humbling) place to be--I send up a prayer to make it through on his strength because mine is gone. I will pray for you too! Lots of Love!
Hi, my name is Ania! I'm a young wife living in Pa hoping to start a family of my own soon. Your post here about your son is beautiful and your honesty is endearing. I'll say some prayers for you, but just know that prayer is love in action and caring for your son is one of the most beautiful prayers you can offer as a woman. He is precious and congratulations!
ReplyDeletelinds...this is so good to read. i'll store it in my "when i have a baby" mental file. thanks for being real through out your entire pregnancy and now with beautiful little roman!
ReplyDeleteLinds! Wowwa...what a post! I enjoyed it! Thank you for sharing your heart in such a fragile time of life; when emotions are endless and tears are easy. Your post was raw- it was real- and it was one that old mommas, new mommas, and soon-to-be mommas could find comfort and happiness in. Thank u! Linds, I know I have only known you for a short time in life, but despite that, I can see you changing, and transitioning beautifully into motherhood. Ur heart is rooted in the Lord- you love Jesus- and without a doubt I know he is hearing your prayers- even the prayers u don't even know u are saying! Keep on keeping on Linds! I know your mastering this new "gig" perfectly- with God's grace, God's timing, and God's love running through you! I am bookmarking this post....I can see myself looking back on it in a few weeks when the tears are stinging my dry and sleepless eyes like I am sure they have yours! Lifting prayers up for u, Romeyroo, and your hubbie! :)
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