and i'm sorry.
but... then i wouldn't be completely honest.
can i be honest? ok. thanks :)
truth is....... being a mom is hard. it's really hard. and i know this is only the beginning of the 'hardness' :)
from the moment the umbilical cord was cut (by mr leif!) there was the most overwhelming rush of responsibility that slapped me upside the face. as if i was driving 90 miles an hour, and i smacked into a brick wall. it was a good collision though.
although this has been the HARDEST 2 weeks and 5 days of my life, i know it's not always like this. i know it gets easier........well, ahem.....i mean, i know that i will get through this crazy haze of overwhelming hopelessness. that we will find a routine. that i will know his cries. that i will get used to the sleepless nights. it will become the norm - and not just some crazy rollercoaster ride.
no, i don't think i'm enduring postpartum depression. to be honest, i think every new mom will feel what i am feeling. with your first baby, it's hard to relax. it's hard to be at ease when they are refusing to sleep. is he over tired? is he still hungry? does he like to be swaddled? oh great, does he hate to be swaddled? why don't i have the 'happiest baby on the block'?? how do i become 'babywise'!?!?
this is all just part of the switch. the switch from wife to wife/mother. the switch from the easy life, to the 'holy cow, i'm responsible for another human being' life. and it takes a little time, a few weeks i think. i'm slowly adjusting to the demands of being needed all day. all night.
but. just as i've heard from many, so many, other mothers........the good does outway the bad.
yes, your newborn will melt your heart 100,00,000,000,000,000,000,000 times more than m&m's in your palm on a hot summer day. however........you come home from the hospital, and you are sore. you have 'wounds' that need taken care of. you are tired. you are confused at what your baby needs. you are wondering if you are doing the right thing. you wish someone was around 24/7 to tell you if you are on the right track or not..... you need sleep. you have a weird looking body. you don't know what clothes to put on. your maternity clothes don't fit. your regular clothes don't fit. you miss your hubby when he goes back to work. you feel alone.
but......it passes. it does!
just this week i really feel that we have reached a new level of bonding. i'm feeling more and more confident each day.
just this week we are starting to settle into a routine.......it might be a bit discombobulated, but it is a routine none the less.
just this week i've mastered returning a shirt to the gap while rocking rome in his carseat with my foot-simultaneously.
just this week i've figured out how to nurse romes while eating cereal at the same time during our mid morning feeding.
i didn't want to write a post that sounded like i'm not enjoying motherhood. or that i'm sad. or that i'm in despair. because i'm not! i'm LOVING this new life. it's a gift. please believe me 100% when i say, this is the BEST gig ever. but also, hear me when i say it's been hard. each time i've clicked on 'new post' these past couple weeks......i wasn't sure what to write.......so i stuck with little posts and a few pictures. i knew that i wanted to share this struggle i've been enduring though. and i've chosen to share so that i can get it off my chest, and move forward...... :)
pray for me. for me as a mother. and a wife. that i will meet the needs of both my son and my husband. and that i too would pray. it's crazy that the day flies by, and i think, wow......i haven't even stopped to say a prayer, let along have any quiet time with my God.
i love him so much.
it is indescribeable.
i take a trillion pictures of my little lovie each day.
i kiss him a bajillion times each day.
i sing to him songs i've made up while i change him, and while he nurses.
i snuggle with him in bed after our early morning feeding.
and love him so much its crazy.