moo. part of my postpartum series.

warning: if you don't care about nursing and/or it freaks you out, don't read. hehe

as mothers, we strive to provide the ultimate best for our child.

as mothers, we are told in more ways than one, that breastfeeding is best.

as mothers, we endure an obscure amount of guilt, on a regular basis.

with that said, my experience in feeding roman has been wonderful, and stressful at the same time. it's been rewarding, yet complicated. it's been fulfilling, yet full of guilt.

i'd like to share it with you, mostly for my pregnant friends, and those who know nothing about this topic, but someday might use what now seems like useless knowledge.

i remember walking into our breastfeeding class, the one you take along with the childbirth classes a couple months before you're due. i had one goal. it was to figure out how to pump and store milk and how much to tell your babysitter to feed them, and yadda yadda yaaaa. it was all about how it would relate to roman's experience at the sitter. i was freaking out. yes, i would spend 3 months home with him before taking him to the sitter, but that was meaningless to me. i was bound and determined to be completely prepared for my time back at work.

so i asked questions.....

when do i have to start pumping before i go back to work?

how much should i save?

how do i know how much to send for him to drink?

how often do i have to pump at work?

what do i do with it when i'm at work?

what are the rules for handling it?

what is mastitis, and how can i avoid it?

(the underlying noun here is milk, fyi)

i left breastfeeding class feeling slightly more prepared.

i knew what i had to do.

pump like a madwoman and save save save.

so i did.

and it worked.

then i went back to work.

did you know you have to pump at the same time your baby eats to stay on his schedule?

did you know that it takes 15 to sometimes 45 minutes to pump. and that's three times during your work day.

did you know that if you don't pump soon enough it gets very painful and you might not be able to pump (and thankfully my boss let me zip over to roman's babysitter's to nurse a few times)

did you know that when you don't have enough time at work to pump, you will slowly lose your supply?

well, now you do :)

so i went from being a freaking milk cow, to hardly having time to pump at all.

my schedule went something like this (in the beginning).

5:30 am nurse.

6:15 change, clothe, and get roman ready, myself too

7:00 drop romes off and go to work.

(8:00 roman would have a bottle)

maybe by 9:30 i'd have time to first pump

(11/12 roman would have his second bottle)

maybe by 1, or sometimes 2 depending on my schedule and amount of 'crisis' happening at school i'd have to pump for the second time.

(3/4 roman would have his third bottle)

i wouldn't have time to pump again.

4:30 i pick up roman (and need to either nurse or pump, but he has just eaten an hour prior so he's not hungry....)

try to pump, but i'd rather hold and play with him.

nurse him around 6:30/7

night time.

so while that might be way more detailed and most of you could care less, i'm needing to document this stuff somewhere, hehe....

slowly, but surely, i was losing my natural supply.

slowly, but surely, i used up my whole freezer supply.

slowly, but surely, supplements were not working.

march hit, and i got mastitis. ouch. OH MY GOODNESS. i felt like i got hick by a truck.

high fever.....very high.

painful......

nausea.......

horrible.

but i recovered and got right back on :)

the end of april came, and i needed to start supplementing with formula.

roman was throwing up everything i gave him.

we were back in nebraska for a wedding shower, i had nothing to feed him and he was throwing up everything i tried - panic attack.

moments like those are so hard for mothers.

it's an immediate rush of guilt, and worry, and panic, and what-if's.

after many phone conversations with our pediatrician, we finally found a formula he would keep down.

supplementing with formula only increased roman's desire to drink from a bottle because it's easier, and decreased my supply even more.

our trip to colorado came and went, and well of course, it was way to easy to just give him a bottle......

so here we are.

roman is almost 100% bottle fed now (he sounds like a calf)

i can nurse him only in the morning.

even typing that makes me think, oh crap?! am i really going to give up??!

but at the same time, as i type this, it feels like closure.

as i type, i'm declaring what's best for us :)

i'm not looking for any hard feelings or milk wars.

to each their own.

however, breastfeeding has been an amazing experience. a beautiful bond.

it's about to end, and i am so super sad.

but i'm relieved at the same time.

i've been nursing/pumping/taking supplements for 2 months now......and i'm ready to just whip up a bottle and relax while we cuddle :)

i think i'll have a burn the pump party.

i've been pumping for 196 days.

for a total of 794 pumping sessions.

back when i was preggs, and i saw that pumps were about $300, i about pee'd my pants.

now i realize it was worth every penny.

i've literally been hooked up to this thing for 800 sessions????????

no wonder i want to have a BURN THE PUMP! party.........

anyways.

i'm sure that was a lot of useless info for most of you, i'm sorry.

breastfeeding for working moms is just such a complicated and difficult thing to endure.

it's worth it, but i'm ready to relax.

i'm ready to enjoy the freedoms of not having to stop and nurse 5 times a day, but rather use a bottle when we are out and about on all our summer field trips :)

but as i said before, i'm not intending for a milk war.

each woman has the right to choose how she will feed her baby.

a friend once explained to me (hi molly!) that what's best for the mom is what's best for the baby. if the mother is stressed, and struggling with nursing, it's truly not what's best for the baby.

and as mr leif says, a happy momma makes a happy family :)

for me,

for roman,

for our family,

formula is now our decision.

it's what's best.

i said so :)

.....and stay tuned for a future post about why i'm not feeding roman typical 'baby food', well, ahem.......why he's not letting me........and what i'm doing about it :)

ok, thanks for letting me get this out there.

i've been wanting to document it for a while.

you know, so that someday when i'm on kid #4 i can look back and laugh at the refining process i endured as a new first time mommy :)

oh, motherhood.

the ole' switcheroo. (a part of my postpartum series)

mini sidenote. i've been super sick this weekend and won't be working today......just in bed
trying to recover, pausing to care for romes :) i didn't feel like writing anything, so i dug this out of my 'posts that never got published' pile....

did i ever tell you that i switched doctors mid-preggo?
i can't remember, but, regardless, i did.
i switched, at 28 weeks.

here i am at 26 weeks, just two weeks before i switched.
so clearly you can see i was well into being preg.

don't stare at my butt. it's still deflating, btw.

why is this part of my little postpartum series?
well, it's a warning. and a little piece of advice.

and i should probably let you know, i'm in a bit of a sarcastic/rowdy/goofy/silly/crazy mood. SO.....this post might sound a bit attitude-ish. but know, it's out of love. from me, to you. SMOOCH!
oh yeah, and it's also based on my experience. my one experience. others may have different ones, but this was mine.
SMOOCH, again!

let's dig in, shall we?

when you first find out you are pregnant, you have this crazy/excited/i wanna shout it from the rooftops feeling................. but you can't, because it's too early to 'share' with others. for multiple reasons.
so, your first real 'attention' in pregnancy is the first doctor visit.
the one where you do a blood test, and pee test, and well, i can't remember what else.
but it's the one that confirms your pregnancy and gives you your DUE date, you know, the date that is now stamped into the backside of your eyelids. you can see it and think of it every time you blink. literally.
so,
you march right into the doctor's office, (thinking that you already might be showing, because you are THAT excited about being pregnant) and it happens.
what happens?
you wait forever in the waiting room, then you do all sorts of routine tests, and you find out you're preggs, and you look radiantly happy, and you expect everyone you pass by in the clinic to notice you and congratulate you and tell you your baby is going to be adorable, and you are going to be the most bestest momma. and the nurses? they will be so excited for you that they almost pee their pants.
but nope.
it doesn't happen.
i mean, you get a few congrats, some smiles, your doc might even hug you, but you are definitely not the 'talk of the town'.
and, that makes sense. because they DO see like 2,000 preggo girls a day, so you ARE just another one of them.
but, for a first time mom, you are a bit let down.
you thought the doc office staff would all do cartwheels and jazz hands as you exited the office to send you on your way out into the world as a declared new momma.
but they don't.

so, you go back to your next appointment A WHOLE MONTH LATER.
yeah, seriously.
you wonder if everything is ok with the baby for that WHOLE month.
with every symptom you have, or lack of symptom you thought you'd have, you wonder.
is the baby ok?
is it growing?
is the heart beating?
am i squishing it?
am i doing everything right?
etc. etc. etc.
and your hormones are raging, so that just makes everything even more peachy.

then FINALLY your next appointment comes,
and you go, you wait in the waiting room for an hour, you enter the patient room, you sit and wait for the doc another 20 minutes, then she comes, you pee in a cup, you chat a bit about your questions, and the doc says "alright, anything else?" and you can't really think about anything else at the moment, and then BAM! your appointment is over. and you realize it took about 5 minutes.
so, WHAT???? you wait a WHOLE month for a tiny, itty, bitty 5 minutes with your doc?
yeah,
and then it's off to waiting again. for another. whole. month.

well, sometime, somewhere your appointments should.............(and here's what DIDN'T HAPPEN TO ME)

• last longer than 5 minutes. mine never did.
  
• and when you tummy begins to bulge out and you are showing, you get measured to see if you are growing appropriately. at 28 weeks, and VERY much showing, i still wasn't measured, (although this one might not be a biggie to others, it was to me)
  
• you may discuss your weight gain, but if you've gained 15 pounds in the first 3 months, you really shouldn't be warned about future weight gain. i was already having body image issues. this was hard to hear!
  
• you shouldn't be told by your tiny, cute, little doc that she jogged up until 32 weeks, when your boobs are way to big to even think about anything close to a brisk walk. again, cue major self consciousness here.
  
• if you puke your guts out for more than 24 hours and can't even drink a sip of water.........than your call to the on call doc that evening should be met with understanding, compassion, and tips on what to do next. my phone convo (while i was in NE visiting fam) was rude and all they said was, "well, you might need to go to the ER if you are still puking tomorrow." and that's all. nothing else, just a blunt statement. then a goodbye.
  
• if you have a high fever, accompanying the puke flu, and your body is aching so bad, you really think you might die, and this was all made note of in your file..........then at your next appointment, your doc shouldn't say, "and you are still feeling fine? no morning sickness or other issues? nothing else we need to talk about?" clearly, my doc wasn't reviewing my file. and clearly she didn't know that i was drinking carbonated water by the hour to calm my tummy, and that the isles of the grocery store felt like a haunted house i was SO SO SO nauseous.
  
• and when you tell your doc that NO you aren't feeling fine! she should ask if you want any meds for nausea. not just ignore your cry for help.
• and when you have an irregular scan, and your baby has multiple soft indicators for downs, and you are a scared new momma........you should receive a kind, thorough review of the high level scan you were asked to have done. when i went in for my appointment after that scan, she skimmed the perinatologist's report of my scan and didn't really answer questions we had.

(ok. remember i am in a sarcasting mood and i'm not usually so negative sounding, k? k. k!)

so, i shared all of this to my sweet book club. and an OUTPOURING of help was received. "switch! it's not to late! you need to switch!" so i did.

i wanted a doc that would listen to me.
i wanted a doc that would chat during our appointments.
i wanted a doc that would make me feel special because i am PREGNANT!
i wanted a doc who would not talk so fast and use such big words that made me feel so so small and dumb.
i wanted a friend.

so i switched. docs. and clinics. and the whole shabang. i even needed to fill out all new hospital paperwork and tour a different hospital because my new doc would deliver me at a whole new place.........

and guess (oh the power of prayer, oh how my GOD works wonders) who called me on that next SUNDAY night from HOME to chat about my file that was placed on her desk earlier that week!?!??! yep. you guessed it. my new doctor. she called me from HOME! we chatted about her recent beach vaca she just got home from. we chatted about my bad experience thus far. she validated my feelings. she reassured me things would be different.
and they were.

it was love at first visit. my new doc. my new clinic. the rest of my pregnancy.

moral of the story my preggo and future preggo friends?
love your doctor.
feel validated.
feel special.
feel listened to.
feel understood.

and if you don't? then switch. it's never too late. and it's worth it.

and, ps.
did you know during my week of pukecrazyness, that i was in NE and mom had to pull the car over and i puked on some random person's yard in lincoln? and it was total daylight, like 2pm. and my sissy rushed out to hold my hair. and it was like a college party gone bad. but not. because i was preggo. and people were driving by. and i made my mark in someone's front yard.

a postpartum series: part 2

i'm not sure where i left off last time, and for some reason i don't feel like going back and reading part 1 to see......i guess i'm being lazy :)
but the truth is, romes just fell asleep for a napperoo, and i only have so much time before he needs me, you know....for a snack :)

so let's see....
i've been wanting to share about coming home from the hospital.
and, although my last post about postpartum was more about the emotional experience, this one is going to touch on some of the physical things. actually just 3 things. but i think they are important. so there. :)

i've obviously only experienced giving birth once. thus i have only went through it one way....
i have spoken with lots of friends who have had different experiences. but. either way, i want to share mine. because if i can even help just one other girl out there be a little more prepared because she read this and ended up experiencing the same thing, that cool. tadaaa. awesome.

ok, let's get started.
i wasn't really into reading books during my pregnancy. i mean, i liked the idea of sitting cozied up on the couch with book after book, expanding the my knowledge of everything baby. but it didn't happen. actually, mr leif did more prepping then i did. he received weekly email updates from 'what to expect'....and actually learned a lot through them!
however, i did try to stay pretty up to date with one of those week by week preggo books. i would take it to the pool with me (partly so that when people saw me in a suit, there was a little justification for my pouch / aka / not quite sure if it looked like a baby bump yet - see, they could see my preggo book and think "oh, ok, she's preggo) idk. just another one of those body image issues i went through (i guess i shouldn't say went, because it's not quite in the past yet) while being pregnant.

talk about interesting. it's so fun to learn how your little babe is growing each week, and it's great to find out that your symptoms are normal, or that heartburn is expected, and that i should be eating healthier..... yes. great book.

but.
what i found that really isn't out in the 'if your pregnant, read this' world....are books preparing you for the physical and emotional parts of labor and recovery.
i mean, there are those chapters in the ends of those weekly books that take you through the labor and delivery, and recovery.
but they just aren't really that great.
and to be honest? by the time you hit week 30 (remember non-moms, preggo is 40 weeks) of being pregnant, not much changes with the baby, so most of the time you, or at least i, stopped reading the book.

i'm truly thankful that my older sissy asked me to be in her delivery room when she had charlotte. it opened my eyes and my heart to SORT of prepare myself for what to expect. and i'm assuming, all of you non-momma's reading this, that you won't all get to have the experience of witnessing a birth, so that's why i want to share with you!

one: ouchie.
wow. i should tell you, i just wrote a big paragraph about things that are entirely too graphic, and then deleted it all. i decided that it was way too much for this blog. eeeek! but what IS for this blog is that i want you to understand when you come home from the hospital, you will have to take care of yourself. chances are you had some sort 'ouchie' down there and it will need lots of care. why do i say that? because so many friends have shared with me that they didn't know about that part. that no one told them about the awesome netted granny panties they have to wear along with the other stuff........ lets leave it at that. but warning: coming home isn't easy on your body (down there).

two: maternity clothes - don't baggem' up too soon.
when you come home from the hospital, you want comfy clothes. but you won't be able to hop right back into those cute little jeans you wore before you were preggo. nope. truth is? for those first few weeks, you are still deflating. and obviously it will take months to get back into those jeans. so prepare yourself.
a week or so before i delivered, my sweet friend colette and i went to the mall. partly ,to walk around in hopes to get babyleif out sooner, but also to buy something cute and comfy and able to wear if breastfeeding, for the hospital.
yes, buy something cute for the hospital, DO IT!
you just had a baby, you are sick of your maternity clothes, but you WONT fit into those 'real' clothes yet.......so buy something cute and loungy that is new and crisp, to put on after that first shower at the hospital. i still grab my cute zip up from american eagle when i run out the door......it easily masks my horrible saggyness while wearing a nursing bra........and looks cute at the same time. haha. hehe.

three: you're going to be starving.
especially if you're breastfeeding.
buy some snacks for those middle of the night feedings.
i went through animal crackers like they were goin' outta style.
remember this picture? yep. i lived off of animal crackers.


ok. i feel like this post is getting REALLY boring.
gag, i almost want to just delete it.
so i better stop here. before i just keep rambling.
hopefully some of those things help you (you, and you, and you who are pregnant or you, who aren't quite preggo yet, but will be someday, hehe)

and i still have two posts knitting themselves together in my mind.
one is about stella and dot.
coming soon.
maybe tonight?
(and in case you are wondering what stella and dot is, scroll down through the bottom of this post i JUST saw on a blog i follow!!
way cool.
see you soon.
yum
cheese pizza for dinner.
thank you papa johns, you never fail to impress me :)

a postpartum series: part 1

i don't know if i'll ever be able to completely put into words, the transformation you go through when becoming a momma. but i'm going to try.
i don't know if these posts will have order or topics, but i intend to start typing and just let my thoughts flow.
i don't know how many parts there will be, but i will write until i feel like i've shared my experience enough.
i'm writing about my postpartum experience because: shared joy is a double joy, and shared sorrow is only half a sorrow.

i've touched on it a few times already.
but i feel like i've only chipped at the surface of something that i crave so badly to talk about....so bad that i've decided to write about it, and then if you wanna talk? like really talk? (charlie this is for you....) let's hash it out more. over wine. over chocolate. over anything you'd prefer.

...

childbirth will rock your world.
physically? yes.
mentally? big yes.
emotionally? biggest yes yet.

to my friends who are pregnant at the moment:
know this, when you come home from the hospital, after the dust settles, you will maybe want to cry, you will maybe want to yell, you will maybe not want to talk at all.....that is ok.

i think the best thing that was done for me, after Roman was born, was to ask the raw question of 'how are YOU lindsey?"

it will be ok to say you don't want to be a momma, and that it's too hard, and that you didn't know what you were getting into.
it will be ok to say that you are so tired that you can't think straight.
it will be ok to say that you are frustrated with your husband's ability to sleep through the night.
it will be ok to say that you are so overwhelmed with the responsibility of this new itty bitty human being, that you want to hide in your closet.

because, becoming a mother is truly the biggest shift in 'figuring out who you are' that you will probably ever experience.

you will mourn the old you. but, you will celebrate the new you.
you will mourn your relationship with your husband, but you will get creative with what your relationship will now need to become.
you will mourn for long warm showers, but you can have those on saturdays when your husband is home.
you will mourn, probably for a lot of things. and that is ok.
(i don't even know if i am spelling mourn correctly.)

i remember a conversation i had with another mom, when she first layed eyes on her baby, it was love a first sight, yes. however, there was an awkward feeling of 'this is my baby?'......like at the very first moment you are to fall in love and know everything about them and know how to take care of them and soothe them like a glass of red wine soothes my thursday nights........but truth is? it's scary. it's hard. and there are so many times you feel like you can't keep going, but you do. you keep going and you make it through. just know it is not easy.

you may not crave conversation as i do. but you need it, it's healthy.
so call me. tell me to come over, and please pour your heart out.

you don't have to pretend everything is fine. or act like you are fine. and keep all of your fears bottled up.

be prepared to be rocked.
be preapared to be shifted.
be prepared to cry.
be prepared to be confused.
be prepared to feel guilt.
be prepared to be sad.
but know that i'll listen.
know that so many others have experienced it too.
and know that you love your baby so much.
so much that you can't even put it into words.
don't feel bad for tears, guilt, or sadness.
those will not define you as a new mom.
those will not define your love for your child.
those will just be feelings for a short while.
what will last, is your child.
your love for them,
your relationship with them.
i will be there for you. a phone call away.
i will listen, i will hug.

our Father did not make us perfect mothers.
in fact, we can never achieve perfection in motherhood. ever.
because if we could? then our children wouldn't have a need for a perfect GOD.

when we are weak. HE is strong.

ladies, you will be weak. you will be exhausted.
but your love for your child will prevail.
you'll find your place.
you'll find peace.

but mostly? you'll need to lean on the Lord.
He will be your strong tower.

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe. "
Proverbs 18.10

his baby book is empty...

yep. it is. and you know what? i don't know if it will ever get written in.

why is it that i hold myself to such a high standard?
why do i set the bar at an unreachable level?
why am i constently comparing myself to others?
why do i use the phrase "you should" when engaging in self-talk?

the baby book falls into this category.
from day one, actually before day one, i should have been filling it out...
writing down roman's firsts, the facts, all that good stuff.
but the truth? i haven't even opened it up, let alone documented any of his life inside it.

days have gone by, weeks, months actually. it's still blank. and i still tell myself i should have been writing in it, and i need to get it started.

ok... ok... then i started thinking.....
clearly, i'm not passionate about this babybook.
if i was, i totally would have been nose deep in it, updating the pages with every passing day of roman's existence....but i'm not. i haven't.
so why am i trying to get myself to do something that i obviously don't want to do?

if i'm not passionate about the baby book - why am i feeling so guilty for leaving it blank?

heck, i don't even know if i have a baby book (hi mom! do i have one?)

and since i like to self disclose practically anything about myself......i'll let you in on another 'downfall' i've recently realized.

back when i contemplated even getting a baby book, i thought, "oh i'll just update weekly on my blog" you know - roman updates.
that way, if/when i printed out my blog into a book or something of that sort, then i could have all of romy's little life documented.

welp. that's another big fat fail.
i can't keep up.
and i'm going to stop holding myself to the standard of where i think i should be.

instead?
instead, i'm going to soak up roman in the best form there is.

with snuggles, and hugs, and kisses, and of course some pictures here and there.......
because,
clearly, i don't have the desire, time, passion for baby books. (i mean he's almost 3 months already and i haven't had the drive to start it!!) OR to update his life via blog on a regular basis.
and that's OK.

i have it all in my mind.
all in my heart.
i won't forget any of his little new beginnings.

no, i may not have the exact date and time of his first coo. or his first smile. or his first blow out. or his first spit up. or the first time he peed on me. or the first time he pooped on mr leif. but i dont need to know the exacts. i just know they happened, and that's good enough for me.

so here's to releasing myself from the guilt.
here's to being OK with not saving hair from his first haircut.
and here's to that empty baby book.
heck, maybe i'll just regift it?!

i've got spittup in my hair...

...and i don't care!

...and i doubt i'll wash it before work tomorrow :)

i mean, i washed it this morning, and i usually try to make it 2-3 days before washing it again....no judging.
day 3 hair is the best to style.

and plus, tomorrow is THEday.

the dreaded day i go back to work....

oh i've been quite the mess today.

at one point, i stood in the dining room and tried to walk in three different directions.
i took a step towards the living room, to go fold the laundry.
i took a step towards the front room, to go rearrange (not sure why i wanted to do that)
then i took a step towards the bedroom to go make the bed.

but.
i didn't end up doing any of those things, instead, i went to the kitchen, where mr leif was prepping our stew ingredients for tomorrow night's supper, and making puppy chow to snack on tonight, and doing dishes from the lunch he made earlier........
and,

i started bawling....and bawling...."i can't leave him.....sniffffffff.sniffffffff." (said between sobs)

today has been so weird.

i felt sick, like throw-up sick, multiple times today.

i've been so nervous.

so overwhelmed.

i just need tomorrow to come and go as fast as it can, so i know what to expect for tuesday....and then next day......and the next.

i do think i'm about to embark on one of the hardest things i've had to do yet.

leave my baby for the whole day?

ahhh.

i'm so torn,
part of me wants the sitter to cuddle him up and love him galore....but then part of me wants her to keep her distance - because, he's MINE!
don't kiss him! that's my job!
don't make him smile - he does that for ME!
don't rock him to sleep - that's only something I get to do.

but then what's best for rome?

oh gag.

i should stop now.

i just need to go to bed.

pray.

and let God work out his will through me.

i know tomorrow will be horribly hard, and that i'll make it through.

well, little romes, these last 12 weeks have been the best EVER.

i've been thinking lately how much i need to cherish all of my time with him.

because i won't ever have i this easy with a newborn again.

there won't ever be just a newborn and me anymore, my next baby will come and i'll have roman too, and then the next will come and i'll have two others runnin around.

this first one is a treasure.

and i want to embrace our time together.

all of our snuggles
all of our morning giggles
all of our kissin
and all of our naps together :)

alrighty, i need to stop rambling.
i need to go wash my pump stuff and get everything ready to go for the morning.

and i promise to get back into the blogging world again.

i know i've been mia lately.

i intended to blog about roman's latest...
i intended to blog about christmas...
i intended to blog about new years...
and so much more...

but my minds been a whirwind.

ok, thank you so much for all your prayers and thoughts and notes of encouragement.

the day has come, and i know i can do it.

roman and i on new years day - out for breakfast with dad!

as i look back now, i can laugh...

...but at first, it was no laughing matter.

when roman was just a teency weency 8 days old, my sister and her little charlotte were staying with us to help us new parents out :) anyways.......she thought i needed to get out of the house, you know - to get some fresh air. because, after coming home from the hospital, we didn't leave the house much, well come on - a)roman was just days old and b) he was attached to his "light blanket" which needed to be plugged into the wall, because he had jaunice.

but, when he was finally rid of the light blanket, liza was set on me getting out. and i'm glad she was, it is good to get out of the house, but at the time i just wanted to be snuggled up at home....going nowhere :)

so...it was decided, we would head to old navy...because there's an old navy about 3 miles from my house.

then i got overwhelmed.....
i hadn't even put roman in his car seat yet, heck, i didn't even know how to buckle the thing?!?! i never practiced before we went to the hospital, and mr leif is the one who buckled him in before we came home.....and now he was at work, and i had no clue how to buckle my child in his seat. awesome....but. with a few tries, i finally got it figured out and romyroo was safely buckled into his seat.

then i got more overwhelmed.....
i didn't even know how to collapse the stroller, in order to load it in my vehicle. heck, it had been sitting all cute in our front room ready to be used, but i had no idea how to collapse it or open it up....but. with a few tries, i finally got it figure out and halled it outside to the car.

we were off....diaper bag in tow. nipple shield too of course, because just in case we would have to nurse......i needed that shield. romes won't nurse without it.

first, we made a quick stop at a new store across the street from old navy. i hopped out, got the stroller out and opened, removed romes from the car and set his seat in the stroller, and grabbed the diaper bag. change of plans.......since it was just going to be a quick stop, i decided i really didn't need the diaper bag with me, he was sleeping soundly anyways. so - diaper bag was placed back in the car. lock the doors. and go on in to shop!

hummdeeedumm....oh about 20 minutes later we were headed out of the store, slightly disappointed with the lack of cool stuff. but we were off to old navy.

oh CRAP. the car is locked.
my keys are in the diaper bag.
because.....when i originally put the diaper bag in the stroller, i put the keys in the bag. and then when i put the bag back in the car....(like the weird nervous new mom i was)....i forgot to grab the keys......yet still locked the car.

PANNNNNNNNNNIC!

we are 3 miles from home!!!!
i have a new baby who is only a week old!!!
we are locked out of the car!!!!
i'm a horrible mom!!!
i don't have my nipple shield!!!
his only source of life, aka my milk, is locked up in my boobs without that little shield...
i'm a horrible mom!!!
why did i even leave the house anyways!?!?!?!?
panic!!!
breathe.
breathe.
call mr leif.......
walk over to old navy because it's cold outside and mr leif was going to call tripple A. or is it AAA? for me........
browse old navy.
tripple A arrives in 20 minutes.
walk back over to car (seriously we were the weirdos trecking across a giant shopping parking lot, in the cold, with a one year old and a new born, looking like freaks, trying not to get hit)
breathe.
tripple A man unlocks car, and was super nice by the way.

get in the car.
breathe.
drive home and secretly vow to myself never to leave the house again.

though, i did.
you know, i left again, because.........
well........
now i knew how to buckle him in his seat.
now i knew how to collapse and open his stroller.
now i knew to always grab the diaper bag, and heavens, make sure i have the keys.
now i knew to make sure i have a nipple shield at all times.

hehehehehe.
yep, i can laugh about it now.
but at the time??? not sure i had ever been more scared and disappointed in myself......

oh the joys of being a new mom.
all sorts of firsts.........

(like tonight, i was holding romes. he was naky. and he peed all over my shirt. then it dripped down my leg, onto my socks, and made a cute little puddle on the kitchen floor. but. i didn't care. heck, i just kept smooching his cheeks, thinking 'oh next he'll probably poop', oh well')

things have changed... (and gratitude day 2)

...since roman joined me as my little side-kick.

like bigtime change. but it's ok. i don't mind :)

• i don't have time to eat. you know, when we have something planned to do that day. of course, if we are home all day, i can munch around when he's down for a nap....however. when we leave, its 1)quick nurse him 2)quick change him 3)get him in his carseat 4)hit the road because the time until he needs to nurse again is extremely cherished and must be used to the max - so there is no time for YOU to think about feeding yourself. that can wait until........you get home later........OR
• you happen to buzz through a fast food drive in. but when you realize it's not too safe to eat and drive, you decide to quick snarf your chicken sammy down in the parking lot before taking off. well, guess what?! then the babe wakes up and begins to fuss because, dangit mom?, you stopped the car and he prefers the car to be moving :) SO...you throw the sammy back in the sack and hope that it's at least a little roomtemp when you get home to enjoy it later......however......
• once you're back home its time to nurse again, duh!? remember that time in between feedings that you used to the max? well, times UP. get out the ladies and feed your baby......and then you realize.....
• oh i wasted money with the fast food sammy, because now i am back home and i could have just found something here to munch on instead. oh well, mr leif will just enjoy (sarcastic) adding my cold chicken sammy to our 'eatout' budget.....does that really qualify as eating out? huh. yep. now it does :)

ok. i actually wrote that whole little blabble with a smile on my face, and even chuckled a bit. so please, OH please don't think i mind this CHANGE. seriously i'm embracing it with open arms. i know its the life of a momma, and for me? it's only just begun. so bring on the cold chicken sammys..........and da happy babies :) AND......... it's 3:11 in the AM. because yep. things have changed. i'm not sleeping like some of you are........nope. i've just put little rome back in his crib. he DID sleep from 9:00 - 2:00!!!!!!! so he DID need to eat, because it had been 5 hours!! and since i went to bed at 9:30 - that gave me 4 and a half ours of beautiful SLEEP.

thank you ROMAN!

dont you think i forgot...........

today, december 2, 2010, i am grateful for:

1. chicken sanwiches. from burger king. with only ketchup. warm? or cold.....they're GOOOOOOOOD and they're one of my fave's. judge if you wish health nuts! jk. i know i know.....gross, right? nahhhhhh i love em.

2. mr. leif's love of pizza. because if i had to love it alone, i wouldn't get to eat it enough....but since he loves it too........then we get it lots :)

3. roman's new found love to talk back to me. yeah yeah........i love that my kid talks back to me??? sounds like he needs a spank. haha JK. but really. someday i will laugh in despair that i used to love it when he 'talks back'........ but now? now i could eat it up like ice cream. i talk to him, saying things like......."open up or i'll wack your cheek with this nipple shield my lovie" (said in super cheesy, smile for me voice) and then..........he babbles back!!! it's the greatest. and there's something about the 'nipple shield' word, it gets him every time....... (yes. i use a nipple shield)

i be up in the gym...

....just workin on my fitness, hooooooweeeeeee!

yes. it's true, roman has really been hittin up the gym lately.

and he loves it.

(it's a playgym, silly?!!)

and when he's workin hard, he even hangs his tongue out.

yes, when he's hittin the gym, it requires true concentration

oh, but sometimes...... he's silly.

like today, i caught him not once,

not twice,

but THREE times, snatchin an animal cracker from me, while was suppsosed to be workin out.... ahhhhh that roman, always a jokester.

oh, but the little goofball didn't stop there, no noooooo.

next, he plopped a little animal right on his face.

yeah, he realized being silly gets the girls, even at the gym......

hey mom, back off........a guy can have a little fun right?!

oh dear.

but anyways, while roman's been pumpin iron up in the playgym, i've been pumping too...although not iron for me.

since day one, i've been pumping for about 5 minutes each time after i nurse.

however, last week i noticed i wasn't quite pumping much out after roman would finish nursing. then i began to freak out. what????? no?????

you see, i've kept up this whole pumping shindig, because 1)i've become a bit addicted to storing all this milk, it's like i've got a little sidebusiness going on or something......... and 2) i'm a bit afraid that after i return to work, i won't be able to keep up

so - while freaking out, i hit up the ole' internet search. "how to get your milk supply up" and "how much should a 5 week old be eating" and "how to keep your milk supply while nursing"........

i realized i need to be drinking more water, eating more often throughout the day, resting, and feeding regularly. it seems as if that was THE magic combo.

alright......i need to go - romes is up for another feeding, and then imma pump. pump. it. up.

you should see my freezer. YIKES!

4 weeks ago, to the minute...

...i had my first "real" contraction.

at that moment, couldn't have imagined that in 4 weeks,

i would be playing dress up with this handsome stud.......

on this chair...........

the same chair we took photos on earlier this summer

:)

seriously, becoming a momma has been the best thing ever.

look at him, i mean, come on............who wouldn't be in love with snuggling up on this little hunk all day. every day.

these last 4 weeks have been such a rollercoaster of emotions...........defeat, confidence, confusion, frustration, loneliness, scared, helpless, in love, overwhelmed, consumed, needed, passionate, tired, happy, complete........need i go on?!

i feel like we are on the right track though. finally.

everyday, i put myself through this battle in my mind. i've wanted to blog and blog and blog.......but i've been so stuck. all throughout the day, i search for things to strike up attention in my mind.......things that i can ponder upon and then release with my fingers at the keyboard later.....but nothin. no such luck. i'm in a fog of baby. a fog of new momma. and it's captured my abilities to think about things, to contemplate.

i just survive. i live and breathe on 3 hour shifts. eat, change, play, sleep.........quick! do a load of laundry and shower! then its eat, change, play, sleep...........quick! eat some lunch! switch the laundry, sweep the floor! then its eat, change, play, sleep........quick! try to take a nap, but whoops - you forgot to make a phone call, or send an email, or oh! you have a houseguest!.........

so this fog of babygoodness has me trapped. i've been unintentionally absent from my blog and i don't like it. i miss it. but my mind is consumed. and for now, that is ok. for now - it is where God has me - He is training me to be a momma. He has me focused on the task at hand, raising my son for his glory. and..........soon, very soon, i think i'll be back to the regular blogging again........i can feel it. the fog is clearing. life seems a bit more normal. things are making sense again.

so thank you for stickin around.

i know i've got TONS to write about. and once the fog clears, my fingers be rollin' YO.

i went to a support group today...

...for breastfeeding.

and ya know? breastfeeding is actually going well.

i feel good about the success me and romes have had.

but there is this free class, every tuesday morning, for breastfeeding mommas.

and it was screaming my name.

why?

i love the idea of support groups.

to me, the idea of women sitting around in a group, sharing similar experiences, is beautiful. honestly, i could attend support groups all week long. monday could be a 'i wanna be the best wife i can be' support group - where we would all share brilliant wifelike things. tuesday would be the breastfeeding class. wednesday would be my bible study, aka, 'how to calm your anxious heart' group. thursday would be my 'dealing with all the postpartum craziness' group

and friday would be a 'become a better cook for your family' group. oh, yes.... that would be the perfect week for me.

i devour time when i get to sit around with women, and hash out the ups and downs, ins and outs, goods and bads. i love that kind of thing.

and today was perfect.

about 20 woman came to breastfeeding class.

we all sat in a circle, some fed, some didn't

we went around and introduced ourselves and our baby

we all asked one question

we all answered any question we had advice for

we all chatted up what was working

we all chatted up what wasn't working

we shared

we disclosed

and it was beautiful

but really............

breastfeeding is great.

and i get to spend serious connected (pun intended, pshhh waaaa hehehe) time with my little roman at least 8 times a day..........

:)

ps.

thanks for all the beautiful comments and messages in response to my last post. it's amazing how blogging has allowed me to reach out and be there for others, and likewise the support i've received is beautiful. to read your words of encouragement and love is like a extra large peppermint hot chocolate on a 20 degree day. no wait, its better. your words and support warm my heart. and you help me feel like i'm gonna make it, that i'll survive this new gig :)

i wasn't going to be 'that' blogger...

...you know, i didn't want to disappear from the blog world once the babe was born...

but, i have...
and i'm sorry.

this new life is exhausting. but i'm slowly regaining my breath. i'm slowly learning to swim....

i could say that i've been busy these last ALMOST 3 weeks.......just smiling, cuddling, and smooching on this little lovie:

but... then i wouldn't be completely honest.

can i be honest? ok. thanks :)

truth is....... being a mom is hard. it's really hard. and i know this is only the beginning of the 'hardness' :)

from the moment the umbilical cord was cut (by mr leif!) there was the most overwhelming rush of responsibility that slapped me upside the face. as if i was driving 90 miles an hour, and i smacked into a brick wall. it was a good collision though.

although this has been the HARDEST 2 weeks and 5 days of my life, i know it's not always like this. i know it gets easier........well, ahem.....i mean, i know that i will get through this crazy haze of overwhelming hopelessness. that we will find a routine. that i will know his cries. that i will get used to the sleepless nights. it will become the norm - and not just some crazy rollercoaster ride.

no, i don't think i'm enduring postpartum depression. to be honest, i think every new mom will feel what i am feeling. with your first baby, it's hard to relax. it's hard to be at ease when they are refusing to sleep. is he over tired? is he still hungry? does he like to be swaddled? oh great, does he hate to be swaddled? why don't i have the 'happiest baby on the block'?? how do i become 'babywise'!?!?

this is all just part of the switch. the switch from wife to wife/mother. the switch from the easy life, to the 'holy cow, i'm responsible for another human being' life. and it takes a little time, a few weeks i think. i'm slowly adjusting to the demands of being needed all day. all night.

but. just as i've heard from many, so many, other mothers........the good does outway the bad.

yes, your newborn will melt your heart 100,00,000,000,000,000,000,000 times more than m&m's in your palm on a hot summer day. however........you come home from the hospital, and you are sore. you have 'wounds' that need taken care of. you are tired. you are confused at what your baby needs. you are wondering if you are doing the right thing. you wish someone was around 24/7 to tell you if you are on the right track or not..... you need sleep. you have a weird looking body. you don't know what clothes to put on. your maternity clothes don't fit. your regular clothes don't fit. you miss your hubby when he goes back to work. you feel alone.

but......it passes. it does!

just this week i really feel that we have reached a new level of bonding. i'm feeling more and more confident each day.

just this week we are starting to settle into a routine.......it might be a bit discombobulated, but it is a routine none the less.

just this week i've mastered returning a shirt to the gap while rocking rome in his carseat with my foot-simultaneously.

just this week i've figured out how to nurse romes while eating cereal at the same time during our mid morning feeding.

i didn't want to write a post that sounded like i'm not enjoying motherhood. or that i'm sad. or that i'm in despair. because i'm not! i'm LOVING this new life. it's a gift. please believe me 100% when i say, this is the BEST gig ever. but also, hear me when i say it's been hard. each time i've clicked on 'new post' these past couple weeks......i wasn't sure what to write.......so i stuck with little posts and a few pictures. i knew that i wanted to share this struggle i've been enduring though. and i've chosen to share so that i can get it off my chest, and move forward...... :)

pray for me. for me as a mother. and a wife. that i will meet the needs of both my son and my husband. and that i too would pray. it's crazy that the day flies by, and i think, wow......i haven't even stopped to say a prayer, let along have any quiet time with my God.

i love him so much.

it is indescribeable.

i take a trillion pictures of my little lovie each day.

i kiss him a bajillion times each day.

i sing to him songs i've made up while i change him, and while he nurses.

i snuggle with him in bed after our early morning feeding.

and love him so much its crazy.