20 weeks...

...but who's counting?

i am.
well, i am. i'm counting down until the 4th week of may.
until my summer vacation begins.
until i'm home with my romes.

i made it through the first week back to work. i survived :)
i knew i would, duh.
but how hard was it dropping roman off and driving away to work?
so hard.

wondering, will he wake up from his nap and wonder where his momma is?

wondering, will his babysitte swaddle him the right way?

wondering, will he get burped enough?

wondering, will he be scared in this strange house?

wondering, will he fall alseep ok?

wondering, will he miss me?

also, it's not like it's an easy 'ease' back into work once you've been gone for 12 weeks, so on top of the mountainous ball of nerves that smacks you upside the face when you are dropping your baby off, for the whole day, for the first time.......there are also the nerves with going back to work - and trying to find your place amongst those who haven't had to skip a beat while you've been away.

so along with leaving roman, i had to play catch up.
the week was hard.
it was long.
and in all honesty, it was a whirlwind.

but when i received an email right away first thing monday morning, from the babysitter, with THIS photo....

i first cried tears of happiness.
and then, i felt a blanket of peace come upon me. i felt like i could breathe. that everything would be OK...
he was happy with her. playing away.

but. that's not the hard part.
i mean, i knew he would be fine. i knew the babysitter(s) would get him to giggle.

the hard part was realizing that when i was in classrooms teaching, 2 hours went by and i didn't even think of him.
i got back to my office. and looked at the clock - and felt the biggest wave of guilt ever.

and then, i cried again.
how could i go 2 WHOLE hours without thinking of him? ??
ugggggggggggggh. i knew i didn't want to work.
i don't want to be so consumed that i don't think if my baby every second.

i know there are other moms who enjoy the time away, and enjoy the ability to clear their mind of mother-hood 'stuff', but i'm not ready for that yet.

i WANT to think about him constantly.

i might enjoy a break from the duties sometime, but not yet. i still want to be consumed with him.
however.
it's not in the cards right now :)
so, i be a busy busy bee at work, stopping when i can to think about my baby.
and then, rush home to him at 4:00.
wrap him in my arms.
and snuggle the night away :)