rockin the morning routine.

whooooooooofta!!!
it's a madhouse these days :)

i used to use an alarm clock......i would set my alarm for 6:00. slowly roll out of bed, fumbling around deciding what to wear as i gradually made my way to the shower....

now? i don't need an alarm clock. in fact, i haven't set one since the day before roman was born. nope. i have no fear of oversleeping for work. no way. he gets me up between 5 and 6 daily.

i used to take a nice, hot, long shower.........i wouldn't worry about anything but standing, letting the water beat down on my back, head, face.......ahhhhhh........slowly washing my hair. enjoying how soft it felt after conditioning it. just when i was about to turn the water off...... i decide to stand there a little more, preparing for my day. i can get ready and be outta the door by 7! oh yeah.........oh, totally yeah...........plenty of time to stop for a hot chocolate on the way, and get to school EARLY. quicktrip has maginificient hot chocolate machines, by the way, yum? yum.

now? roman begins talking around 4:00. so, i tip toe into his room, give him his pacifier, rub his cheekies, and he falls back asleep.
it's back to bed i go. trying to fall asleep as fast as i can......then BAM! it's 5:00 before i know it. romedog begins sqeeling in his crib because he needs to eat, so its off to nurse him.
by 5:30, we are sittin' in the chair and he's so excited to eat that he nose dives into me multiple times before i'm even ready to begin feeding him.
that little silly man, he's a hungry fella! he eats for a while then takes a break to laugh and coo.......so we play and cuddle and smile at eachother, and now its back on. finish that eating little romes. hopefully by 6:15 he's done.

i put him in his chair and start the vibration and music. now, quick! run to the kitchen to pack up my pump stuff and grab something for lunch! now, get the bottles out of the fridge and pack his bag! take out everything out to the car, and, if it's cold? start the car and crank that heat!

back into the house i go...........time to transfer romes into his carseat and turn on our praise baby cd. he snoozes off, or almost does.

quick! i hop in the shower, then run into my room. i have just enough time to throw on something to wear, apply minimal, yet presentable, makeup and brush my teeth.
oh crap, my hair? ehyyy, oh well. hopefully my new stella and dot collection will distract from my hair.

ok. grab romes and head out to the car. it's 7:10!
i drop him off at the babysitter's and rush off to school.
i dart in and out of traffic, getting a rush while passing cars and blasting k-love.
there it is!!! starbucks!!
i look at my clock, is it before 7:40?? if so? i can stop.
i get the only thing i've ever tried there, white chocolate mocha.
yummidy yum yum. holla gurrrrrrrrrrrrrl.

guzzle down da coffay as i whip into the driveway.
greet those kids as they start piling up out front of the school.
bell rings. it's 8:00. greet those little guys, all 400+ of them.
good morning. good morning. good morning.

one of romy's sitters sends me pictures during the day.
here's one from last week :)
hi! wanna roman-filled donut?

ahhhh.........it makes that crazy routine worth it. he's smiling. he's fine. i'm fine. inhale, exhale. God is good :)

ps. my sissy and baby charlotte and momma are all staying with me this week.
YEP! this whole WEEK! they came with me back to KC.
its good. so very good. but i still have to work, blehhhhk.
but they've got romes all day. he's loving it. and charlotte is lovin him :)

seriously, mrs leif?

working with kids, can be quite........
fun.

"well, gosh mrs leif, how'd your baby get out of you?"
um, well, do you really wanna know? jk. besides your male kindergarten teacher just gave me an 'oh this is awkward look', and.......moving on.

"oh mrs. leif, your tummy isn't round any more! what happened?"
thanks.....but ahem, you don't wanna see underneath my shirt!!! hello one-piece swimsuit.

mrs leif, they actually had walmart back when you were a kid, wow!!?"
seriously girls, i'm not that old. for real. like totally there was a jc penny back then too. boo yah.

"omg. when i say i like justin bieber, it's not that i want to marry him. i'm just being a fan. you know, like hang posters up in my room and buy his book, and listen to his music. now, if i said i like like like him, or like love him, then i really love him. but just one like doesn't mean love."
whoa. breathe child. breathe.

"and besides i saw him with his girlfriend in a magazine, and his arm was like this (she puts her arm around me) so yeah, he has a girlfriend. so of course i don't like like like him or like love him"
well duh. you totally aren't in love with him.

the storm before the calm?

that's how i feel right now.
i knew this would happen.
i knew i would end up in this 'place'
my life feels like a storm right now.
and i get myself in these situations all the time........i WORK HARD at trying to slow my life down. it literally becomes WORK.

no, i don't think it was a wrong time to launch my new stella and dot business. in fact, i think the time was perfect. i need to get it off and going so that when summer comes and my only responsibilty is little romes, i will be in full force with stella and dot. i want to be comfortable with it by summer time. i want to have it be a normal part of my life by then, so i can fully enjoy my summer with romes, and won't need to be learning the ropes to this new thing. i'll already have it under my belt.

but problem?
i'm still working.
and still going to school every wednesday night.
and still trying to pump and nurse.
and still trying to be a wife.
and still trying to figure out this whole mom gig.
and still trying to travel and visit family.

so, i'm looking at this as my storm before the calm.

most days i'm pumped with adrenaline, to dominate the day.
but a few times i feel defeated before i even get out of bed.

roman looks up and begins giggling after our 5:30am nursing time. and i shiver at the thought of setting him down so i can get ready to go to work. but i suck it up. and i do it. moms are strong. wow, we are.
then, i begin thinking..........is this really my storm before the calm? or is this my life. is this just how life is? barely stop to catch your breath before you go again?
regardless if i'm working or not.
regardless if i have one child or 5.
will life always be so challenging?

last week, mr leif and i started laughing in the kitchen as i said, "wow, the responsibilities in life never stop, huh! we just won't ever get a break or a timeout from here on out!"
life can be such a heavy burden on our shoulders.
IF we let it.

why do we let it?
or maybe its just me. why do i let it?
i close my heart off. i don't go to HIM for help. i don't accept his grace in the areas of my life that i need it so bad.

the beautiful thing about our FATHER, is that he wants to carry our burdens for us.
psalm 55.22 - Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you.

i typically don't have the tendency to be a 'downer'
i typically am quite the happy, smiley, goofy, full of energy girl.......
but it seems as if, in this season, i've let things get the best of me.
busy-ness and worry.

i don't know what it is about music. but it gets to me. every time.
i can be in the biggest funk and then a good song comes on and i completely do a 180.
that's what happened the other morning.
this song came on.
and, when i found it on youtube, i fell in love with this version.
each verse i read seemed to JUMP OUT and GRAB my heart.
saying, "hello, lindsey? you'll be fine. I AM here for you, quit freaking out. quit trying to handle life on your own. turn it over to ME"
a breath of fresh air.


so.
i didn't want this post to come off as a complaint.
but i wanted to share. because i know so many of us can feel so burdened by the busy-ness of life. we let whatever season we are in overwhelm us to the max. leaving us tired, worried, and confused.

i want you to know there is SO much rest in HIM.
his grace is SO sufficient.
and songs like those can just re-vamp me.
making me feel confident because HE is with me EVERY step of the way.
at work.
at home.
in the middle of the night.
when i'm tired. annoyed. overwhelmed. and ready to throw the towel in :)
to stop, and slow down, and be still in the lord, can be difficult.
we get ourselves so consumed with over-committing.
i over-committ because i want to please others. i want to make sure i am meeting the needs of those around me. but really, its so unhealthy. my family suffers. my job suffers. my relationships suffer.
however. i'm trying to train myself to slow down.
sounds weird, i know.
but.........the other morning. a rare thing happened.
as i was looking up from feeding romes, i saw the sunrise.
and it was beautiful.
i don't remember the last sunrise i've seen...living in the city doesn't quite promote it.
but it was there, peeking around our neighbor's house. and bright pink.
it made me stop. think. and reflect on my day. HIS beauty is everywhere, reminding me anytime, anywhere that his grace is sufficient. one day at a time. i just have to look. i can't put my blinders on.
it's all around us.
we just have to stop and see it.

so.
here's to being refreshed and ready.
here's to smiling. laughing. and being lighthearted in the midst of crazy.
here's to the storm. praying it brings calm :)

20 weeks...

...but who's counting?

i am.
well, i am. i'm counting down until the 4th week of may.
until my summer vacation begins.
until i'm home with my romes.

i made it through the first week back to work. i survived :)
i knew i would, duh.
but how hard was it dropping roman off and driving away to work?
so hard.

wondering, will he wake up from his nap and wonder where his momma is?

wondering, will his babysitte swaddle him the right way?

wondering, will he get burped enough?

wondering, will he be scared in this strange house?

wondering, will he fall alseep ok?

wondering, will he miss me?

also, it's not like it's an easy 'ease' back into work once you've been gone for 12 weeks, so on top of the mountainous ball of nerves that smacks you upside the face when you are dropping your baby off, for the whole day, for the first time.......there are also the nerves with going back to work - and trying to find your place amongst those who haven't had to skip a beat while you've been away.

so along with leaving roman, i had to play catch up.
the week was hard.
it was long.
and in all honesty, it was a whirlwind.

but when i received an email right away first thing monday morning, from the babysitter, with THIS photo....

i first cried tears of happiness.
and then, i felt a blanket of peace come upon me. i felt like i could breathe. that everything would be OK...
he was happy with her. playing away.

but. that's not the hard part.
i mean, i knew he would be fine. i knew the babysitter(s) would get him to giggle.

the hard part was realizing that when i was in classrooms teaching, 2 hours went by and i didn't even think of him.
i got back to my office. and looked at the clock - and felt the biggest wave of guilt ever.

and then, i cried again.
how could i go 2 WHOLE hours without thinking of him? ??
ugggggggggggggh. i knew i didn't want to work.
i don't want to be so consumed that i don't think if my baby every second.

i know there are other moms who enjoy the time away, and enjoy the ability to clear their mind of mother-hood 'stuff', but i'm not ready for that yet.

i WANT to think about him constantly.

i might enjoy a break from the duties sometime, but not yet. i still want to be consumed with him.
however.
it's not in the cards right now :)
so, i be a busy busy bee at work, stopping when i can to think about my baby.
and then, rush home to him at 4:00.
wrap him in my arms.
and snuggle the night away :)

i've got spittup in my hair...

...and i don't care!

...and i doubt i'll wash it before work tomorrow :)

i mean, i washed it this morning, and i usually try to make it 2-3 days before washing it again....no judging.
day 3 hair is the best to style.

and plus, tomorrow is THEday.

the dreaded day i go back to work....

oh i've been quite the mess today.

at one point, i stood in the dining room and tried to walk in three different directions.
i took a step towards the living room, to go fold the laundry.
i took a step towards the front room, to go rearrange (not sure why i wanted to do that)
then i took a step towards the bedroom to go make the bed.

but.
i didn't end up doing any of those things, instead, i went to the kitchen, where mr leif was prepping our stew ingredients for tomorrow night's supper, and making puppy chow to snack on tonight, and doing dishes from the lunch he made earlier........
and,

i started bawling....and bawling...."i can't leave him.....sniffffffff.sniffffffff." (said between sobs)

today has been so weird.

i felt sick, like throw-up sick, multiple times today.

i've been so nervous.

so overwhelmed.

i just need tomorrow to come and go as fast as it can, so i know what to expect for tuesday....and then next day......and the next.

i do think i'm about to embark on one of the hardest things i've had to do yet.

leave my baby for the whole day?

ahhh.

i'm so torn,
part of me wants the sitter to cuddle him up and love him galore....but then part of me wants her to keep her distance - because, he's MINE!
don't kiss him! that's my job!
don't make him smile - he does that for ME!
don't rock him to sleep - that's only something I get to do.

but then what's best for rome?

oh gag.

i should stop now.

i just need to go to bed.

pray.

and let God work out his will through me.

i know tomorrow will be horribly hard, and that i'll make it through.

well, little romes, these last 12 weeks have been the best EVER.

i've been thinking lately how much i need to cherish all of my time with him.

because i won't ever have i this easy with a newborn again.

there won't ever be just a newborn and me anymore, my next baby will come and i'll have roman too, and then the next will come and i'll have two others runnin around.

this first one is a treasure.

and i want to embrace our time together.

all of our snuggles
all of our morning giggles
all of our kissin
and all of our naps together :)

alrighty, i need to stop rambling.
i need to go wash my pump stuff and get everything ready to go for the morning.

and i promise to get back into the blogging world again.

i know i've been mia lately.

i intended to blog about roman's latest...
i intended to blog about christmas...
i intended to blog about new years...
and so much more...

but my minds been a whirwind.

ok, thank you so much for all your prayers and thoughts and notes of encouragement.

the day has come, and i know i can do it.

roman and i on new years day - out for breakfast with dad!

when you pray the wrong prayer...

...nothing happens.

well actually, we aren't in charge of what happens anyways.
but, still, when you don't pray for the right thing, it doesn't happen.
does that even make sense?
oh, heck, it doesn't really even make sense to me.
so, i should probably just move on with this post...

lately, been praying for the wrong thing,
asking God to please make me a stay-at-home-mom, and ASAP.
although there have been a few options come across our minds...in all reality, i must finish the school year. i must return to school and complete the year. i enroll in my last semester of grad school, and complete my ineternship, so i can graduate in may. i must finish what i started. a sense of completion.
all the while, feeling as if i'm choosing the 450 students over my baby......
all the while, scheeming that i never want to go back to work again anways, so why finish my degree.....
all the while, wondering why i'll be paying someone else to smooch on my baby for 9 hours, 4 days a week, when that's my job.....
but?
like i said, i've been praying the wrong prayer.

clearly, God has me in this place to finish the year. to finish my degree. to entrust my baby to two friends from church.
why am i praying for something else, when all i need to do is pray for the GRACE to enure the semester. and the clear eyes to see His plan for our family in the next year.

big things are brewing for us leif's :)
we are considering lots of different options in order that i can stay home with rome. (that rhymed. totally nice) as well as the other 3-4 kids we want to have. yep, it's gonna be a full house here folks. or maybe a full townhouse, or heck even an appartment for a while....we'll see what GOD has in store.
and,
for now?
i'll just pray for the grace to get through the semester.
it's where HE has me.
it's in HIS plan. (not mine, but his.........just gotta remember that.)

anyways, did you know you could stare at a baby for hours upon hours?
yep.
you can.
i do it daily.

well, cheers to getting neck-deep in prayer.
i'm gonna need it.
grace to get through the next 5 months.
grace to get through the first week back.
grace to be able to drop my baby off and go to work the first day.
grace for one day at a time.
if only grace was on sale at costco, i'd buy me a bulk pack for sure.

isn't he cute?
i know, every mother is biased of their own offspring.
but, no one said you can't publicly proclaim your addoration of them.

and because i'm still obsessed with the first song on my music player:

some of my favorite lyrics....

"though hast not left me, though i oft left thee..."
"i need thy presence, every passing hour..."
"what but thy grace, can foil the tempter's power..."
"through cloud and sunshine, abide with me..."
"shine through the gloom, point me to the skies..."

abide with me.

belly bumpin.......

down the halls.

yep. it's as if i'm a sumo wrestler, meandering my way through masses of children, each morning as the bell rings.

.

you see......i greet all 438 children at the front door from 8:00 - 8:20, directing them where to go.

today, kindergarten-2nd-5th grades went into the gym for 'walk n talk' until our 8:20 bell

and 1st-3rd-4th grades went to their assigned hallways for enrichment time.

these students, some arriving as early at 7:00, just sit outside........crazy weather n all......waiting for the bell to ring.

.

so from 8-8:20, we try to provide some structure before the day begins.

wow. totally didn't intend to go so indepth with our morning routine. whoops.

however.

.

when that 8:20 bell rings.......structured morning or not.......chaos hits.

and within the last week, my belly has really been in the way.

.

boingggggggg....... its like the children see it and then think it would be cool to catapult off of it.

i try not to be too crazy/overprotective/psycho mom with a baby in her belly.......

.

but. i've come to the point where i'm about ready to scream,

"back off the belly bozo's!!!!!!!!........there's a wittle baby in there!!!!!!!!!!"

.

here's my bump:

and. i forgot to document my 35 week mark last friday.

.

and. because pregnant girls will always be very precise about which week/which day they are on.

(because every day you get through is a celebration)

.

and. because i got to school early early today.

.

and. because our bathroom at school has a full length mirror.

(and also a door that won't shut.......see door in background)

.

here i am.

at 35 weeks. AND 4 days.

:)

and what the heck am i doin? blogging at work???

oh that's right.......it's monday.........

and i'm having a hard time gettin into the groove.....

.

but i gotta run. its time for morning announcements!

grace comes in all...

...sorts of shapes and sizes.

...yesterday, mine came in the form of these two cuties :)

they brought me their sweet little notes.....

helping me see that i can't throw the towl in yet......

that my job isn't done here at school until this baby comes!

but, when littleleif arrives........i'll be missed :)

God knows when we need His help :)

and just about the time I felt so worn out....
just about the time i was ready to give up....
(because racin down these school halls is a bit tiresome for a 35 week preggo)
He came through.
He gave me grace.
and now i can keep on truckin'.
i'm glad i serve someone like that.

and by the way.....He's used my students before :)

my family tree...

...at school.

this is my 'family' at school.

all staff members in our building have one.

we divide up the kids into groups.

i'm their 'momma'

we meet once a month.

its great :)

so........

meet my at-school family:

(are we not the most diverse family you've ever seen!? love it!)

it must be a cultural thing...

...because every hispanic mom at my school rubs my belly.


but contrary to this cartoon....

...i actually don't mind.


3 reasons why i don't mind:

1. while they rub my belly, they are ooooohing and ahhhhhing, with giant smiles, saying "oh beautiful baby, you're first one?" .........and saying, "ohhhhh such a blessing, a baby" ...........and those that can't speak english show their love for babies with their eyes - because as they pat the belly, they look at me with the biggest smile they can create. it really is precious. and you know what? i don't mind it. because they truly have an appreciation for babies and pregnancy in general :)
2. i can't really mind them touching me - i'm the school counselor, and it would be 'out of character' for me to give them a snooty look, or brush their hand away. if i want them to trust me, to appreciate me, and to come to me for support with their children, then i need to show that i can accept them. if rubbing my belly is what they 'do' then i'll let them 'do it' :)
3. it actually feels comforting. I KNOW, crazy, right?!?!? many pregnant women are completely disgusted by others touching their belly. and i respect that. but for ME....the gentle touch is strangely comforting and soothing. so, rub away mommas.......rub away :)

ok......this is it!

i've found my dream job.

most of you know, this changes on a monthly basis.

and mr leif - you shush.

you are probably thinking, "um, how about a weekly basis?" -while rolling your eyes!

(of course he is saying and doing those things out of love for me, his ever-so-can't-make-her-mind-up with what she wants to do-wife)

side note - im hoping that bearing babies will consume my crazy job-hopping desires.

we'll find out soon!

soon, as in 8 weeks :)

but yeah.........so the job, the "THIS IS IT JOB".

well.

i'm going to open my own consignment shop.

y'all know how much i LOVE searching for fabulous deals as consignment shops -

example.

the shoes for babyleif in these photos: they were originally from babygap.

i got them from children's orchard for $2. actually grammy linda bought them. thanks grammy!

now you could be thinking - well why are you going to open a consignment store if childrens orchard already exists?

well. its crowded. unorganized. and not very cute, AT ALL.

what i'm picturing is down below.

i'm gonna replicate this place.

a most radical consignment shop for childrens clothes - cute ones.

and i'll have a section for mommas too.

boooooyah.

behold, from richmond, virginia:

CLOVER.

ok, i can just see myself sitting behind this totally fabulous desk. welcoming my shoppers :)

and. my plan is that i'll only work part time.

cuz i'll be home with raising babes.

but maybe mr leif could build a little nursery/playroom on the back of my shop so when i am there - the kids can come too.

it would be kid friendly for my shoppers :)

ps. one problem.............anyone out there want to donate the $$ to get me goin? i suppose i could start it out of my garage and then move into a shop when business gets boomin. hahahaha.......

(liza - how bout that salon you'll open - i can be on the other side! just think childcare for your clients!)

as i sat in my...

...new office at school yesterday...... (yes i got a bigger room, yay!)........

.........staring at my zuchini bread,
.........smirking at the fact that i still have my May calendar page on my desk,
.........i realized,
i am not ready.where is my "oh its a fresh new year!" attitude?

why do i look around at the empty walls and feel overwhelmed at covering them with colorful, cheerful fabric? (something i used to LOVE doing at the beginning of the year)

why am i annoyed at people stopping in my room, touching my belly, telling me the cliched phrase, "oh you look cute!" and then jumping right into the nitty gritty questions they really came in for.........."do you get a long term sub for when you're gone?"................"when are you starting your leave?".................. and other random questions that clearly have an ulterior motive, other than being polite.

where is the excitement that used to fill me to the brim, practically overflowing, with setting up/getting organized/planning out the school year?

why can all i think about is having this baby (eeeeeeeeeek!!!) and i get annoyed at the idea of how much energy this job sucks out of me?

why do i dread having to reconnect with all the teachers and staff members at school?

the truth is........i'm a different person than i used to be. the beginning of THIS year is different for me than the last 3 years.

i'm realizing i have different priorities in life, different goals, a different purpose. not that my prior priorities (haha that sounded funny) were bad........i'm just changing.

as of about 10 months ago, even before i got pregnant, i began to notice a change in my thoughts/dreams/passions. at this time last year, i was completely and entirely a career-oriented person. i loved the purpose and fufillment i got from my job. and yes, although i've done some major job-hopping in the last 6 years (college job #1 bank teller, college job #2 file clerk at law firm, real job #1 2nd grade teacher, real job #2 school counselor) with each of those jobs came an excitement and a joy for trying to master what i could learn and dream of what i could do someday......

well, about 10 months ago, things started shifting in my perspective. i really started connecting with our church family on a deeper level. as my relationships with other women at church grew, we began having passionate conversations about their roles in their families as mothers, and some even as homeschoolers. As these friendships began to blossom throughout this year, i've developed a new found passion.........and i've begun to transform.

clearly i have nothing against working mothers. i will probably be one of them for a while (as mr leif and i are convinced that the government lied to us when we were so easily swayed into taking out quite the hefty school loans, said with a smile and a laugh), and thus we might need my income to tackle that school debt. but really, im developing quite the new perspectice for MY purpose in life. its not for all women and not for all mothers, but for ME, i'm starting to see that God is revealing a different path then the one i was on. one that is not consumed with career or growth on the payscale or impressing my coworkers or going above and beyond to 'look good' for my boss.

rather, my path leading me to my home. with my (future) children.

a dear friend of mine is preparing to lead a "mother's bible study" this fall. they're reading the mission of motherhood. both this friend and my sissy have said/warned me on how the author, is quite passionate about the purpose of stay-at-home-moms. i've decided i want to read it anyway, knowing i can't yet be the stay at home mom i wanna be! and as i prepare to read this book, i can't help but think about how i used to feel, and how so many other women i know are still passionate about work and how THAT is OK! but when my excitement for work is dwindling at a most rapid rate........i know i've been called for an ulterior purpose.

a short excerpt from a review on sally clarkson's book has got me dying to get my hands on a copy: .................“Motherhood can be one of the greatest, noblest, or fullest callings a woman can have. Every day, as mothers nurture their children, they influence eternal destiny as no one else can…Today’s culture minimizes the vital importance of a mother’s role. By catching a vision of God’s original design and allowing it to shape their lives, mothers can rediscover the joy and fulfillment built into the strategic role to which God has called them; for a purpose far greater than they can imagine…Using practical examples, personal anecdotes, a challenging vision, and sound scriptural support, Sally Clarkson upholds the traditional biblical view of God’s plan for motherhood; giving mothers exactly the support they need to persevere in cultivating and sharing their hearts for God, for their children, and for their homes.”

but. i face quite the dilemma.

i'm still employed. i still work out of the home. i'm still committed to being a school counselor for 400 children. i will only be home for 2.5 months with my baby. SOOO......i NEED some passion. i NEED some energy. i NEED some excitement to continue on. i may be feeling called to stay home with our children...........but for now, that isn't where God has me. and im struggling with finding purpose in the present.

one of the biggest areas of worry......as i begin this school year.......is my attitude and affect i will have on the staff. i want to be positive, excited, passionate. that's who i've been for them over the past 3 years, i must not let that change. bad attitudes rub off on other co-workers......i want to be a source of light for them. not the darkness. and i can't help but break into song........"this little light of mine, im gonna let it shine......." and ".....don't let satan BLOW it out, im gonna let it shine" and as i come to the satan part (ew, i don't even like typing that name) i realize, that will be my battle this year. the battle that will require the full amour of God.........i can't let my light blow out. im still a witness. im still shining for Him. regardless of where He has me for now.

can i dig deep and find the motivation?

can i find enough energy to give to work, yet reserve some for home?

can i not feel guilt when i show up just right at 8:00 in the morning because i didn't want to drop babyleif off any earlier than i had to, and when i rush off at 4:00 to get the him?

oh........i suppose i'll end here.........it will be on a good note :) because thinking about 'dropping off and picking up the baby' reminded me of some crazy RAD HAPPY news i have to share with you. i'll share it tomorrow.

but just know that prayers have been ANSWERED. and in a most blessed way :)

i guess my blog is a.......

.........twitter today.
this is my 3rd post today.

because i'm at work, sittin in my new office.
yep. i said NEW
i moved into a new room this week!

im SOOOOOOOO pumped to have a LARGE office next year.

now i will have tons of room for small groups next year!!!
and have tons of room for play therapy supplies!!!!!!!!!!!

anyways.
im all moved in and its thundering and raining
and its soothing.
so.
i guess i will write another blog.
because the teachers are gone
and
i already spoke with my sister and both mom(s).

so hello again.

i've been going through some old drawers at school today.
and found this cd.
oh my oh my oh my

it brought back the BEST MEMORIES of my first year of teaching.

me and the kids' favorite one was "three little birds"

and so i put it on my playlist.

listen to it! its number 1 on the list.

and then imagine how much fun we had dancing around the room together!!!!!!!!!!

(also, wen mr leif and i were in jamaica for our honeymoon, their motto was totally 'evryting iz gonna be alright mon'. which is totally the lyrics to this song. so every time i heard this song i thought of our honeymoon and how it was truly the best EVER. and i would laugh at how many cocktails mr leif and i consumed while laying on the beach and partying it up like it was 1969.......and then i would get all giddy and goosebumpy and really go crazy with the kids! they probably thought i was a nut....... oh well. we had fun)

children are beautiful people.

today was the last...

...day of school, i mean half day!

well.....
for the students it was.
i go back all next week for meetings and to move my office into a bigger room!
yay!!
i am super excited to have a bigger room next year!
my couch practically takes up half of my office this year!

and then i am on to teaching summer school (just in june, and just til 1:00 each day!)
and then i am off to the pool as much as i can!
and decorating, and crafting, and figuring out my sewing machine, and family, and traveling, and cooking for mr leif, and begging mr. leif to meet me for lunch at the park, and getting the nursery ready, and getting fatter and fatter - well, my belly, that is!
and then back to school on july 27th!
i know it will fly by :) ........... actually more like this face :(

so back to today........

mr. leif had this random idea to capture my morning 'getting ready for the last day of school'

he ran into the bathroom with the camera.
and snapped some shots.
then he looked at them and said, "whoa, you look kinda scary in some of these"
so he deleted the bad ones :)
here is what remained when i looked at the camera after he left for work..............



hahahahaha............

he threw up his hood, and snuck in the photo.
then he started singing 'slim shady'
.....like he was eminem or something.
but i liked it.
it make me laugh, and smear my mascara.

and.
he made me blueberry pancakes!

thanks mr. leif :)

i'm glad your home. i missed having breakfast made this year!

and, peace out 09-10 school year, you were wonderful to me.

it was a great first year as counselor: ...................i learned, i grew, i stretched (both mind and tummy!), i laughed, i loved, i learned some more, i cried a few times, i loved and loved, i hugged, and i played.

ps........thanks katie for the black little sweater thingy. (she was going to sell it on our garage sale, but i really fell in love with it, and she let me have it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! eeeeeeeek!!!!!!!!!!!!)

the cup slap club...

...gots talent.

so earlier this year, i took some 5th and 6th grade girls to a leadership conference.
we learned a sweet cup slap routine thingy.
and we had lots of fun.
welllllll at the WASH (nickname for my school, washington) we had a talent show!

so.
our 'club' performed.
and we rocked it!

i was helping out distributing cups so i couldnt' take a photo until the last cup was beginning to be passed down, and likewise, i could only video the tail end of our performance.
slap those cups girls!

i lied at church yesterday...

...when someone asked me if i was ready for the school year to be over.

i said "yes, Oh yes."
and then a thought popped into my mind....'wait, that's not true'

see, its like the thing to say. when someone asks a teacher or for me, a counselor, if you are ready for summer.

DUH! of course you say yes! its only natural.

i mean come on.
imagine your day with 25 kids in your face-all day.
trying to teach them, trying to be their friend.
who wouldn't need a break. teachers are my heros.

but im not a teacher anymore.
as a counselor, my job is totally different.

yes. there are days when i need to probably pull my hair out.
because the other option i think of is not very 'legal'.

but. as a counselor........i get to help kids with life.
how to deal, how to cope, how to calm, and how to plan.

so. this whole counseling gig, for ME, is much better then teaching.
and the truth is. i'm not counting down til summer.

actually this is our last week of school and i could totally go like 4 more weeks.
but. july 27th will come soon enough and i know that i will be sad to kiss my summer away.
so.
i am embracing this last week.
i am not counting down, but celebrating such a successful year.

and how can i not celebrate,
two 5th grade girls came to visit me the other morning, with this.......

after i read the card,
i told them i love them.
is that inappropriate?
probably.
oh well.

last night i ran a 5K.......

..........in my dream.

no, seriously. like start to finish.

i even remember thinking,
"man i'm tired, but my butt is burning, and maybe its getting firmer, so i am going to push through it til the end"

at one time, i was running next to a girl i know (who's an avid exerciser) and i thought
"oh, im not gonna let her beat me" - so i kicked it in high gear.

when i was finished, i thought
"wow! this wasn't that bad, the whole running while pregnant thing, i need to do it more!"

then i woke up.
and realized, i didn't actually run.

hmmmmmmmm, was this crazy dream because my butt has grown just as much as my stomache? and it buggs me?
probably so.

seriously, i will never need a booty pop. mine is and always has been poppin. and i would like to give some of it away to help others pop theirs.

rather, i need this, well not right now cuz my belly is not gonna fit, but later, after im done with preg, when i still have my booty. POP!

and because i really need a laugh today, its only thursday, and i need it to be friday.......

should i get one of these for the babe and i??

i think mr. leif could totally sport it too?!?!

ps.

click here to view my school, washington elementary getting a visit from the KC Chief's D-Line.

if you watch closely, around minute 2:00, you can see me (aqua sweater and navy skirt), behind the kid who's jumproping, in the upper right corner of the video.

you can only see me for a brief moment but you will know its me cuz i start doin some gangsta dance while rappin to ludacris. cuz i wanted da brothas from da chiefs to know that mrs. leif knows whats up. that im all fly n stuff. yo yo yo........wussssssssup!!!!!!?

and mr. pence, our amazing pe teacher, and a fellow believer (its great to work with christians!!!) gets to speak on the video! go matt!!! (ps, i may or may not be trying to hook mr. leif and mr. pence up as friends, i think they would totally hit it off, and they've hung out a couple times so far, yayayay!!! - and mr. pence's fiancee is this cute little blonde that is fun, and is also a believer, and she likes wine. HELLO!!!! we totally need to be friends)

we've actually been in the news alot. for our annual Science Night and cuz we be sendin kids to Space Camp !!! its great to be workin at 'the WASH'...........but it does require lots of energy, whoooooooofta!

ewe's not fat.........

......ewe's fluffy.

on the first day of school, about 5 years ago, she wore a shirt.

it had a big fluffy lamb on the front.

it said, "ewe's not fat, ewe's fluffy"

and i laughed. and i loved. and she made my heart glad.

oh i missssssssss her!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ive got some massive heartburn, so i cant sleep, so im going through old pictures from my college days, and i found this of merriam

she was my FAVE. i was in her classroom during my junior year.

i wished it was longer.
teachers shouldn't have faves, but i did with her.

merry (i gave her that nickname) wore fancy church shoes to school and they would click down the hallway as she walked. her shoes didn't fit her very well, nor did they match her worn and sometimes dirty clothing, but she always fancied herself in cute shoes.

i miss merry.

i wish i could give her a squeeze. she loved to be hugged.

i've been battling with this whole idea of...

...being content.

like, truly content. content from within.
and i will preface this post with the statement that contentment is a life-long battle.
at least for me.

ok so you know when you were a child in sunday school or bible school or school school or maybe your amazing parents taught you about this..........regardless of where, you learned about the putting on the armor of God.......
and that you have a belt of truth buckled round your waist, and a breastplate of righteousness in place, and your feet are fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace and the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

ok. well in my battle with contentment.........i have just really been slicin things up with my sword. seriously though.......its like i wipped out my sword and have totally stabbed this contentment argument (which is constantly going on in my mind) right in the chest. HA-gottcha.

so......to help you better understand, to explain to you my sudden new feeling of CONTENTMENT!!!!!! - to give you a window into my brain (but i'll warn you, i think too much, and over analyze, and study, and observe, and am constantly thinking......and contemplating.......it is quite scary in my brain) - you can read the discussion below. but seriously. it's vicious. and you might get a headache.

for the past year (actually my whole life) i have battled with my issue of not being content. but really, its more of a question i am always asking myself. am i not content?

• or is it that i thrive on change?
• or am i just super motivated?
• or do i have some form of adhd - like 'constantly thinking of new ideas adhd'?
• or have i not tasted the simple life so i just don't know what i am missing?

oh wait........i really do crave the simple life. i want it so bad. i want to quit my job. and say who cares about my master's degree. i want to stay home with my own kids, and not try to solve the problems of the 473 kids at school. but then.........yikes i spent all this time and money on my degree(s). would it be a waste? will i come back to counseling when my kids are grown? should i get a different job? if i finally found the perfect job would i stop wondering what i wanted to do next and just be content with that job forever? should i be a hairstylist? my sister has so much fun with that job, shouldn't i have more fun at work? why is it that 3 nights a week, every week i have something going on? can't i just come home? or is this just life? is life just always busy? oh i bet it is......and i bet i just need to get used to it? should we move - it would be fun? like move move-to a warmer place? or move back home? who's gonna watch my baby if i go back to work? can't we live by family? we miss our ne friends, should we move closer to them? we love our kc friends, wouldn't we be sad to leave them? oh that's just life right? should we just stay in our house and try harder soak up the simple life? oh the simple life. same house for at least 5 years, stay home, make dinner, clean, play with babies........sounds nice. sounds really nice. i want that. yes. that is what i want!! can i have it now? can i quit work? how soon? can we live off of one salary? can i give up my spending on things we dont absolutely need? does money ever buy me happiness?

now. a little self-disclosre. i like self-talk. a lot.
maybe it's because i have been living alone for the first time in my life, for a year, and ive learned to talk to myself (actually i have self-talked long before this year). i talk myself through stuff.......in my mind and sometimes outloud. when i am in the workroom at school, teachers make fun of me (i dont mind) because i will literally say outloud, 'ok, grab some pink paper, now some green, and then ok.....cut it in half........and then what next, oh yeah, go mail my letter, and then hmmmmm ok use the bathroom and stop by kathy's desk). now you might think its a sign of getting old. but i like to do it. and there always a million things going on in my mind. and i am always running around school. so i forget and i get overwhelmed and so i talk myself through the day :) hahahahhaah. but it is really good practice for times when i have a serious decision or dilemma, i am well practiced and talking my way through and coming up with a likeable decision.
so while self-talking i realized i was not doing the right thing. i can't self-talk (or have endless discussions in my mind) about trying to figure out this contentment thing.
i need my sword. my sword of truth.
it's like an AH HAH moment.
yo dork - you've gotta sword from the Lord (that rhymes).....now use it!

so this sword thing........its the sword of the spirit.......and i was taught that it is basically referring to the whole bible, the word of God......... so SEARCH it. and figure out this crazy contentment thing. and quit wasting time with this nonsense battle in your mind!

well now........what do we have here?!?!? quite the sharp sword(s) ey?!?!? now i've got 3 swords to stab this contentment battle. i'm like a warrior now or something. baaahahaha.

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who endures temptation (IN MY CASE not being content); for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him

1 John 2:15-17

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love to the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world-the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life-is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.

Philippians 4:11-13

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

now to adlib alittle to jordan sparks' song battlefield..........

Why does LIFE and CONTENTMENT always feel like a battlefield???? a battlefield??? a battlefield?????

I guess you better go and get your armor (get your armor), get your armor (get your armor)

(i LOVEEEEE that song)

(and its number 5 on my playlist if you wanna hear it)

and now for some justification for my crazy CRAZY mind....that is always thinking.....and analyzing.....and wondering........and confused with my whole contentment issue...... READ the quote below! i guess i'm meant for heaven.......and so are YOU :)

"if we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were meant for another another world" - C.S. Lewis

the symptom of...

...sleepiness is in full swing.

this is what i want to do. all. day. long.

but can't.

because when you work at an elementary school, energy must be your middle name.

if not, you won't survive.

i told mr. leif i thought i could totally bust through this pregnancy with very little symptoms. nope.

like mr. leif said, "that is something your mom would say." i am so like my momma.

truth is, i can't control it! i just want to sleep!!!

so while i pretend to sleep i'll dream.

i'll dream of lovely places i would rather be...

i dream of being here with my sissy. in sunny CA. soakin up the winery goodness.
i dream of being here with my besties....a giant hike, taking in the beauty of God's creation, feeling like we are on top of the world!!!!! staring at mr. leif in puerto rico having a cocktail. on the beach.

hiking in the rain forest with my mr.

carying our cocktails in brown paper sacks. because we can. and because we are on vaca.

taking in the vastness of the ocean with my besties....having not a care in the world on our minds

that is what i will dream about when i pretend to dream... while i pretend to sleep.

all are just imaginations in my mind..........

k, i think i'll throw in a stick of gum. surely if i munch on that it will liven me up.