packin up and heading out.

today, i was browsing on gap maternity's webpage for some comfy pants and/or shirt.  

i thought, "hmmm.  i think i might buy myself a little hospital outfit.  i can't really do any nesting at the moment, and i feel like i need to do/buy/prepare.  so gap, what do you have for me?"

oh this just gets me giggling, my "babymoon" will not look anything like this.

and so, i thought, "well, i think i'll just write instead"

i'll write about our move that's coming up so quickly!

i'll write about my heart in the process.

and even though in this ever-so-pregnant state my thoughts are all over the place, i'll just write, and share, and document this little crazy season.  because it's our life.

and i want to look back next year and say, hey!  remember last february and march!  weren't they FUN!?

ha.

haha.

...

we are moving in less than 2 weeks, i'll be 38 weeks pregnant.

then, for 2 weeks, we will be no-mads, staying at friends' homes and/or hotels until we close on our next house, which happens 2 days before my due date.

the baby may come during that time.  or maybe it won't.

though i'm due 2 days after we close on our new house, we need to have some work done in the home which will take about 2 days.

so, if all the dates work out just on schedule,

we'll be moving into a new house on my due date.

but, God is good.  and really, He has given me this miraculous ability to stay calm and content in these circumstances.  

yes, there have been a couple moments, mostly when i'm alone, that i break down and start crying as i think about this whole situation.....and irrational crazy things fly around my mind .......

 "I JUST WANT TO BRING A BABY HOME TO A NICE COZY PLACE, WHAT IF WE DON't EVEN HAVE A HOUSE?  I CANT BRING A NEW BABY TO A HOTEL???  AND WHAT ABOUT ROMY?  ROMAN IS GOING TO HAVE SO MANY CHANGES!!!  ALL OF HIS THINGS ARE BEING BOXED UP! HE WILL ASK TO GO HOME FOR THE 2 WEEKS WE ARE HOMELESS AND I WONT BE ABLE TO TAKE HIM HOME (he loves being at home) AND THEN WE ARE ADDING A SIBLING, AHH!!!  and oh yeah, I'm REALLY PREGNANT AND THIS IS JUST AWESOME."

but truly, i'm ok.  we're ok.  roman will be ok.

mr leif and i have sat back and just laughed at this situation many times.  we have taken leap of faith after leap of faith just to get our house sold.   and then when we found the home we are buying, that too required more leaps of faith.  we're getting good at trusting.

the beautiful thing about all of this is, what i see as i look back.

i see growth, i see myself being stretched, and i see not my plans NO NOT MY TIMELINE AT ALL!, but the Lord's plans, and they are beautiful.

i've chosen to not write a lot about this house selling/house buying/while preggo process.

it's been really tough on me.  but james 1 has been ringing in my heart anytime i start to think, poor me.

james 1:2-4 "consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, you know that the testing of your faiht produces perseverance.  let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

so while my idea of this whole thing would have been to 

a. find out the sex of this baby so i could mentally prepare from the get go

b. sell our house last fall

c. find and close on the next house early this winter

d. have a couple months to get settled and help roman adjust to the new stuff

e. get some baby things washed and ready

and

f. have a nice cute little hospital bag ready 

well, then, wouldn't life had been swell?

however,

none of those things happened when i thought they should have.

not knowing if we are having a boy or a girl has been a gift.  it has allowed me to take a laid back perspective, yet one filled with joyous anticipation!

packing, moving out, floating around, moving in, and having a baby all happening at the same time?

has been so hard on my "i want to control all the things" self.

but it's been so GOOD for my "i want to control all the things" self.

it's forced me to reach outside of ME and lean on the only thing that was solid, ever present, and promising: my Heavenly Father's plan.....and HIS ways are NOT my ways.  but they are good ways.

so, while i've been unusually silent about such a huge part of my life lately, it's been a season of growth for my heart.  and it's been a season of prayer and trust and hope.  

and it's been a season of examining our desires for moving to a different home, how will we use this home to glorify Him? to serve Him? to serve others? to be hospitable? to provide comfort? to provide community?  how can we return the gift of a bigger home to his kingdom purpose?

and so, we pack.

we take breaks.

we pack some more.

and we pray.

we pray for peace, for patience, for comfort in this end stage of pregnancy.

we pray for our parenting with roman as things get cray cray up in here.

and, we pray that our close date on the new house could be moved up, and that our loan would just move through underwriting as fast as it can.  

[a little sneak peek!]

perhaps we wouldn't have to be nomads then?  perhaps we could get the house set up and a little bit in order before bringing a baby home?  ahhhhh, perhaps.

in the meantime though,

we'll keep on keepin on.

one box at a time :)

baby number two. [36/40 weeks]

little baby love, 

you are growing. growing. growing!

other then some massive heartburn in the evenings, shortness of breath any time i lay on my back or lounge back in a chair, and a fear that your head is literally as low.as.it.can.go..... things are just swell :)

i keep wondering, yikes.  how do women have 4 kids? this time around things are so much different than my first!  it's all so wonderful though.  truly.  just different.  maybe more difficult and uncomfortable?  but beautiful.  a gift.  and i'm cherishing  these preggo moments.

oh little baby, you move like crazy.  i suppose it's moves like jagger?

your big brother is pretty much in love with you.  he gives you hugs and kisses every day.  

and he frequently asks me if the baby is going to come out.  and tells me i have a "BIIIIIIIIIIG tummy".

oh, pregnancy through a 2 year old's eyes is an entertaining thing :)

little baby, i still have no clue if you are a boy or a girl.

sometimes i catch myself assuming that it's not decided until you actually come out!

it's like i forget you're already a little boy or little girl waiting to meet us!

i have complete contentment with whatever gender you are :)

we are just here waiting, ready to hug and love and squeeze and snuggle you right up!

i've had a few nights of some contractions.  but nothing too alarming!

it has given me quite the flash back to being pregnant the first time!

though they are so painful, the absolute full on tightness of my stomach when i'm having a contracting is crazy! mr leif and i sort of are amazed at the wonder of it all :)  

my check ups are going well, so we are just fine having a few contractions every now and then!

however.... i'd much prefer this baby to stay in there until my due date.  or EVEN AFTER.

yes.  little one, i'm actually ok if you want to stay inside momma for a bit longer than normal.

we are packing up our house [it sold!] and will be "homeless" for about two weeks between this home and the next one!  so we don't exactly have a home to bring you until 2 days before your due date :)

so, you just wait, ok?

thank you :)

ok.

and now, 

for some photos of the bump!

[erg, did i mention i got lots of stretch marks this time around? hmph there goes that bikini i was dying to wear. HA. ha. HA. kidding.]

...

[30 weeks.  little sidekick and me.  on our way to the baby doctor]

[32 weeks.  takin this babybump out on the town]

 [32 week check up.  that little dude on the left got to participate today]

[he was a natural]

[33 weeks.  day 3 hair.  comfy clothes..... the uze]

[34 weeks.  momma's hiding from a certain 2 year old, in the laundry room, with her staples: tj's white cheddar puffs and water.  sometimes we "bump heads" and momma just needs a break and a prayer.] 

[35 weeks.  roman is pumped to hear the "beat beat" again.  this time, he got to hold the monitor and push the buttons.  he was stoked.  momma was too.]

today

lately, i find myself scratching down little memories into my mind, some make it onto paper, some become their own little 'notes' on my iphone, and most of them are documented with instagram.  

i heart ig :)

[you can follow me @ lindseyleif]

i feel like this season of life, with a little blooming toddler, is so full of things i never want to forget....his phrases, the things he does, my dance moves he tries to mimic, etc....and then the days just fly by, and i'm scared i won't remember all the little things.

i know i'll look back and remember this time as such a sweet season of life, chalked full of little toddler moments, but i feel i'm gripping onto each day, fearful they'll disappear from my mind.  

some may make it into the long term memory bank, but most of them? they'll slip away.  

it makes me sad.

so, i want to be better about keeping up around here.

and, as with anything in life, there are seasons, an ebb and flow.

and lately, i haven't blogged very much. i so badly, want to pour our my heart about parenting, marriage, life with selling and buying a home, you know....all things deep. 

but posts like that are time consuming.  and at the moment, i'm not making them a priority. 

so, i'm going to try and keep things short and simple around here.

just daily tidbits.

and maybe here and there i'll blast you with something long, deep, emotional, and passionate.

but for now?  i'll just talk about today.

today.

february 4. 2013.

today is the anniversary of mr leif and i beginning to date.

on this day, 12 years ago, mr leif met me outside my car, by a friend's house (we were making posters for parents night, a high school basketball event) and he ever-so-romantically suggested that we "try this again" because the first time we "started going out" 4 months prior, failed, due to the fact that he was too shy to talk to me. and you can't really date if you don't talk to someone.  so, i broke it off, and he came back begging for me, for a second chance.  (or that's how i like to put it, ha.)

he still struggled to stop by my locker in between classes for the remainder of our high school careers, like i thought a boyfriend should do, but somehow we made it through that treacherous time of rocky communication (cue:sarcasm), got married and heck, we even have a family :)  ahhhh....the things that i thought were major back when i was 16.  hilarious. but so real to a teenager.  i mean, between classes locker talk? pshhhhh. it was a MUST!

today romes and i (and my mom!  she was still here after a weekend visit!) went to my 32 week checkup!  

i thought i'd have high blood pressure, due to my life being a little cray cray right now.

but everything is just right, says the doc.

our baby is due on Good Friday.  i didn't think about having an easter baby until recently.  

it sort of makes me all giddy to have my own little baby chic.  

chirp. chirp.

today, roman got to find the baby's heartbeat.

it's been SO fun to see romes grow through each doctor's visit.

when we first started going in, he struggled with the idea of someone messing with his momma.

then, it developed into him sitting nicely, but closing his eyes any time a nurse or doctor would try to talk to him while they "worked on me"

soon, it developed into him communicating with them, answering their "how old are you?" questions with "two!" and "what's your name?" with "roman joe leif!" (sounding a bit more like woman joe yeif)

and now, my sweet little man is actually standing up, next to the nurses and doctors talking to them.

today, when dr nichols came in, he asked her, "where's the beat beat?" (wanting to hear the heart beat)

she responded by lifting him up, setting him next to me, and guiding him to find the heartbeat.

he didn't skip a beat (pun totally intended). seriously.  he was all calm and totally into his little task.

it was the sweatest moment, and you betcha, my mom took not one but multiple different angled cell phone pics.  because that's how she rolls.

so, thank you momma for capturing this sweet little moment :)

today we played puppies.

we play animals almost every day.  puppies, cows, horsies, kitties, and sometimes he'll add random things like snakes and beetles and bumblebees, so that i scream and say "no! yucky!"

it was getting late, and obvi, with his pants already missing, we were transitioning into our bedtime jammies sesh, but we still had some time for playing puppies.

his little bark is the sweetest.

and the fact that he went to his room and got a couple of puppy friends to join us?  gahhhhhh.  

he just makes my heart do flip flops.

mr leif is finishing a friend's basement a few evenings a week for the next couple months, so this makes our days extra long.   on nights like these, when i'm single-momming it, i'm so grateful for the energy to keep up with him, the patience to stay positive at the end of the day, and the desire, to soak up all these little moments before we add the baby to this little family. 

i love my little puppy.

baby number two.

dear little baby,

you haven't made many appearances on this blog yet.
but don't you worry, that will change as soon as you arrive :)

 i could sit here at type that i feel bad about not documenting this pregnancy more, but i don't, because i know that  mostly i've been in a processing state of contentment, while at the same time focusing hard on parenting your big brother.  he's 2 now, and he's quite the little guy :)

you see, dear baby, your daddy made me promise not to find out if you were a boy or a girl.

he tells me, "hey! we have a 50/50 chance!" with a big witty grin.

so, i have kept up my end of the deal.

and with 3, THREE, different sonograms at 20+ weeks, i've had THREE different times to cave,

to beg him. 

and i've joked about it with others, that, "i should totally just find out, i should demand it!"

but, deep down, i've known from the start, i'd let your daddy win.

and, as i begin to piece together these last 7 months of this pregnancy journey, i come back to that same word, contentment.

and so, because i haven't known your gender and because of another a logistical reason, that i shall write about soon, i haven't been able to set up a baby room for you, or begin to wash and buy teency weency baby things.  i haven't been able to settle on any names, because it's been so hard to pick one of each.  and, i haven't been able to make a prediction when people ask me, "what do you think you're having?" 

in the beginning those "cant's" drove me nuts.  insane.

i thought, what if you're a girl? i'll have no girl things to prepare for you? gasp.

i thought, where will you sleep?  roman is still very much into his crib?
and, we don't have another room available for you! gasp.

i thought, where will i put your blankies, and swaddlers, and clothes, and your things? i don't have a closet or dresser available! gasp.

but, as time has gone on, the control freak in me and the "i need to know these things so i can properly prepare!",  has slowly diminished and been replaced with: contentment.

little baby, you shall sleep in our room.  in a pack and play!  right next to our bed.  

and if you're too noisy? i'll wheel you out into the living room :)

little baby, we'll find a place to put your little clothes and your things, maybe i'll make your daddy clean out his tshirt drawer, and you can have that space!

little baby, you'll get a name, and it will be just perfect for you!

little baby, none of these silly nesting things will even matter to you!

and maybe? by some miracle, i can even put you in your big brother's room with him!

...just promise not to wake him up!

i'll probably look back at this post someday, and think, how silly was i to let these things bother me.

why did i really struggle to not know all those details, it all worked out!
and i know it will!

but the impatient, overly organized and prepared person that i am has been challenged.

for me, to work through this season has been so good for my heart.

now that i stay home full time, i have had plenty of time to dream about preparing another room, washing little clothes, telling roman about a "sister" or "brother", and those dreams have been met with reality and that reality has forced me to sit back, relax, and just be.  

so i thank you, little baby, for being the tool that the Lord has used to bring me to a place of contentment.

a place that some would have arrived at much easier and sooner than i, 

but i'm here.

ready to soak up these last 9 weeks.

ready to hear those words, "it's a _____!!!!!!!!!"

ready to bring you home, to our little home.

babies change their mommas hearts. they become toddlers, and toddlers become little children, and at each step of the way, they challenge those hard parts of their momma's hearts.  they find those buttons to push, and they reveal what their mommas often don't want to see in themselves.

but, it's such a perfect reason for us mommas to turn to Jesus, because we can't do this mother thing alone.

so fancy that, that i would already be challenged by you, little baby, and the unknown that you have provided me to be ok with.  thank you, sweet baby.

love, 

momma.

and now, for a little photo recap.

 19 weeks,

momma had a hott date with daddy.

 20 weeks,

the morning of your sonogram

 24 weeks,

on the escalator at nordstroms, it easily goes on your brother's list of favorites.

25 weeks,

a late night target dressing room sesh.

 27 weeks, 

cooking, with swiper off to the left :)

 28 weeks, 

getting ready for a date with your daddy.

29 weeks,

you're a resting place for roman's arm.

30 weeks,

a sweet round accessory to me.

. . .

and now, for my own memory's sake, a little pregnancy journal update.

baby 2:

i felt so yucky up until about 19 weeks, but now no more nausea unless i go too long without eating something!

i still don't have much of an appetite and a lack of cravings, other than my usual love affair with sweets.

i try to make healthy smoothies, because they always seem to sound good.

but other than that, i struggle everyday trying to think of what sounds like something i can eat.

i'm so ready to have a normal appetite again.

[much like my first pregnancy] 

my heartburn is a little worse this time, it wakes me up a lot, but my doctor has helped me find some medicine for that.  and though it's unrelated, at our last sono, the sonographer saw lots of hair on your head, yay!

[much like my first pregnancy]

i can't lay on my back for more than a minute before i start to feel sick.  it's almost a feeling like someone is sitting on my chest and my gut.  it makes it hard to breathe, and often times i wake up in an awkward dizzy pain if i've rolled over on my back in the night.  these are all normal things, as laying on your back can shut off circulation to your main vein circulating from your heart to lower body.  i think i will buy a body pillow to help prop me up on my side better.

[this never happened with my first pregnancy, i could easily sleep on my back!]

wiggle mania.

this baby does.not.stop.moving.  actually it does, but rarely.  and when he or she gets moving, i swear, it's a dance party up in there.  i'm praying for a laid back, easy going baby.  but i suppose the Lord could very well have other plans.  :)  :)  :)

[much like my first pregnancy]

while i look at that list, i think, hmmmm, that may come off as a negative journal.

however, i've truly embraced, or am embracing each of those symptoms.

i am so grateful to be able to carry this baby.

i know that having a baby knit together inside of me will most likely not be an easy ride :)

though each of these symptoms affect me, i welcome them as part of the pregnancy process!

and, as i've learned with roman, motherhood is a selfless act of service, all.the.time.

so, it's quite logical, the growth of a baby would take its toll too :)

ok.

signing off.

it's the middle of the night.

i need to go back to bed

and tomorrow, i need to go buy that body pillow!

a little prep work

i had one of those days.

you know, the one where you have immense guilt for the amount of junk food you consumed.

i began with marshmallow cereal.  it was some fake off brand, but basically like lucky charms.

two bowls.

and then i moved on to cinnamon poptarts.

2.5 of those.

and then i moved salty, with pretzel sticks.

3 handfuls.

and then, to cap it off, olive garden.  

ugh.  i thought i would feel "healthy" if i ate their salad.

and pasta....and breadsticks....and dr. pepper.

i hate that i'm not a healthy eater.

i browse pinterest and see things like black bean and avocado burrito, 

and chicken stew with butternut squash.

and then i end up pinning things like paula deans super easy crockpot potato soup,

and chocolate chip caramel salted bars.

i hate the guilt i feel with not eating healthy.

i wish things like broccoli would make my mouth water.

but instead i get excited about a good grilled cheese sandwhich.

anyways.  enough boo hoo for me.

at least one of us is preparing for baby in the healthy way he should be

behold, romes: the big brother chef serving banana, bun, pizza, and kiwi.

now that's a well balanced meal.

 and we also might flinging baby down the slide.  head first.

romy's pretty pumped for the baby in momma's tummy.

it sort of is the cutest thing on the planet.

baby#two

{9/40 weeks}

yikes. when i post it like that, it seems like this pregnancy will take forever.

30 more weeks? cray.

but obvi, as i had to already go to my calendar to even check what week i am, it will fly by for sure.

especially with the cute little distraction

it's definitely different being pregnant, when your already a momma :)

different.  not horrible.  but not the easiest either.

some days he provides the perfect distraction to not feeling well or being exhausted,

and then some days he almost adds just the amount of "toddlerness", causing me to think irrational thoughts, like "i can't do this"

but i can.

and it's gonna be rock n roll awesome.

...

roman loves momma's doctor's office.

there's some massive construction goin on down below, and he can't get enough.

i think i could actually leave him in the waiting room at the window, while i go back.

i mean, i won't. duh.

but i could. 

although, he's still attached to me almost awkwardly much, so he'd notice i was gone after 3 seconds.

...
 it seems i'm figuring out how to beat this nausea.  most days i have relapses.  but there's a light :)

mr leif, is totally winning my heart over and over again by stepping up in the food department {again}

this week i got 3 breakfasts in bed.  a muffin.  pancakes.  and a donut.  

he's a sweet one.  but the poor guy probably thinks i'm falling apart after the sob story i gave him about how hard it was to be in charge of roman from 6:30 am to 6 pm..... and that i just couldn't do it.

HA.  pregnancy makes you go a little nutz.

but really.  for a while, i didn't know how i would make it through some of those days.

now?  i'm on the up. 

i've got lots of remedies, like those little apple candies below, ginger ale, ginger chews, green apples, nausea meds, 

and, unfortunately for my butt, but fortunately for my tummy.....lots of fast food places nearby.

{why is it a burger king chicken sandwhich actually sounds good when the thought of cooking chicken for dinner makes me wanna hurl? a mystery folks}

 but really, it seems like i have this thing figured out a bit better :)

i can't allow myself to go too long without eating.

plain water is gross, i need carbonation.

i like sour stuff.

and as much as i adore pizza.

it just never sets well.

...

i'm slowly coming out of my dark cave.  out of hiding.  

because, well, it turns out if i actually get out and do something, i feel a lot better than sitting on the couch wondering how i'll make it through the day. HA.  

but really, we are SOOOOOO excited for another child :)  

this momma thing just keeps getting better and better.  

even though my pregnancy hormones cause me to have mini anxiety attacks about having 2 small children in a very small house, it's not hard to calm myself down and find gratitude.

and that's the place i find myself at right now, at 4am, because i can't sleep,

just grateful.

for my husband. for my child and another on the way. for my home.

but mostly? for jesus.  because even during the long days, the ones i am not sure i will get through?  

it's my savior that gives me this calm wave as i begin to panic.

sometimes i think we view weakness as a bad thing.  especially as mothers.

we can't be weak, our children need us. right?

i'm learning weak is ok.

2 corinthians 12.9 is telling me so :)

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

He's powerful, when I'm weak?  sounds like a pretty awesome relationship to me.

here we go.

i've been hiding from this blog,

for multiple reasons.

a few of them are...

a) i'm so nauseas that scrolling around on the computer makes me feel like i've just stepped off the rock-o-plane at the sutton carnival.  

and i think i've mentioned this before....me + carnival rides just don't mix.  

nor do long car rides in the back seat, windy roads, bumpy plane rides, or swinging.

i have a weak stomach.  and folks, scrolling down a computer screen about sends me sprinting to the ladies room.  euw. yuck. nothankyou.

b) how do i blog about our lifestuff,

 without mentioning the BIGGEST thing that's happened to us this past month?? 

i mean.  i tried typing multiple posts, but somehow i needed to explain why i looked like i just got hit by a bus, or why we're still in our jammies at 5 pm, or why i can't even open the fridge with out gagging.  poor romes.  dude's spent countless hours shoveling dirt from a dirt pile into buckets.  

{not really poor roman though, he think it's the coolest thing since fruit snacks, to dig in dirt} 

but really, our life has consisted of me trying to stay awake and figure out what to eat so i don't hurl.

c) all i wanna do is write about how scared/excited/nervous/overjoyed/thankful/freakedout/&overwhelmed that i'm PREGNANT! 

i'm going to have TWO little lives to try and raise up right ;)  what the what?  

this is overwhelming to me, people.  most days with romes, i'm exhausted to the max because, well, he is quite "energetic".  and now, there will be two?  yikes. so scary.  

but really? SO AMAZINGLY AWESOME!  chuckin these nerves out the window.  

bring on a family of four, all squished into our tiny house :)  

{after bribing romes with 3 pieces of chocolate and 2 fruit snacks, this was the only picture that even remotely turned out.  

photographing a wiggly toddler is typically a giant blurrrrrrrrrr, HA!}