Friday, April 2, 2010

i've been battling with this whole idea of...

...being content.

like, truly content. content from within.
and i will preface this post with the statement that contentment is a life-long battle.
at least for me.

ok so you know when you were a child in sunday school or bible school or school school or maybe your amazing parents taught you about this..........regardless of where, you learned about the putting on the armor of God.......
and that you have a belt of truth buckled round your waist, and a breastplate of righteousness in place, and your feet are fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace and the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

ok. well in my battle with contentment.........i have just really been slicin things up with my sword. seriously though.......its like i wipped out my sword and have totally stabbed this contentment argument (which is constantly going on in my mind) right in the chest. HA-gottcha. help you better understand, to explain to you my sudden new feeling of CONTENTMENT!!!!!! - to give you a window into my brain (but i'll warn you, i think too much, and over analyze, and study, and observe, and am constantly thinking......and is quite scary in my brain) - you can read the discussion below. but seriously. it's vicious. and you might get a headache.

for the past year (actually my whole life) i have battled with my issue of not being content. but really, its more of a question i am always asking myself. am i not content?
  • or is it that i thrive on change?
  • or am i just super motivated?
  • or do i have some form of adhd - like 'constantly thinking of new ideas adhd'?
  • or have i not tasted the simple life so i just don't know what i am missing?
oh wait........i really do crave the simple life. i want it so bad. i want to quit my job. and say who cares about my master's degree. i want to stay home with my own kids, and not try to solve the problems of the 473 kids at school. but then.........yikes i spent all this time and money on my degree(s). would it be a waste? will i come back to counseling when my kids are grown? should i get a different job? if i finally found the perfect job would i stop wondering what i wanted to do next and just be content with that job forever? should i be a hairstylist? my sister has so much fun with that job, shouldn't i have more fun at work? why is it that 3 nights a week, every week i have something going on? can't i just come home? or is this just life? is life just always busy? oh i bet it is......and i bet i just need to get used to it? should we move - it would be fun? like move move-to a warmer place? or move back home? who's gonna watch my baby if i go back to work? can't we live by family? we miss our ne friends, should we move closer to them? we love our kc friends, wouldn't we be sad to leave them? oh that's just life right? should we just stay in our house and try harder soak up the simple life? oh the simple life. same house for at least 5 years, stay home, make dinner, clean, play with babies........sounds nice. sounds really nice. i want that. yes. that is what i want!! can i have it now? can i quit work? how soon? can we live off of one salary? can i give up my spending on things we dont absolutely need? does money ever buy me happiness?

now. a little self-disclosre. i like self-talk. a lot.
maybe it's because i have been living alone for the first time in my life, for a year, and ive learned to talk to myself (actually i have self-talked long before this year). i talk myself through my mind and sometimes outloud. when i am in the workroom at school, teachers make fun of me (i dont mind) because i will literally say outloud, 'ok, grab some pink paper, now some green, and then ok.....cut it in half........and then what next, oh yeah, go mail my letter, and then hmmmmm ok use the bathroom and stop by kathy's desk). now you might think its a sign of getting old. but i like to do it. and there always a million things going on in my mind. and i am always running around school. so i forget and i get overwhelmed and so i talk myself through the day :) hahahahhaah. but it is really good practice for times when i have a serious decision or dilemma, i am well practiced and talking my way through and coming up with a likeable decision.
so while self-talking i realized i was not doing the right thing. i can't self-talk (or have endless discussions in my mind) about trying to figure out this contentment thing.
i need my sword. my sword of truth.
it's like an AH HAH moment.
yo dork - you've gotta sword from the Lord (that rhymes) use it!

so this sword thing........its the sword of the spirit.......and i was taught that it is basically referring to the whole bible, the word of God......... so SEARCH it. and figure out this crazy contentment thing. and quit wasting time with this nonsense battle in your mind!
well now........what do we have here?!?!? quite the sharp sword(s) ey?!?!? now i've got 3 swords to stab this contentment battle. i'm like a warrior now or something. baaahahaha.
James 1:12
Blessed is the man who endures temptation (IN MY CASE not being content); for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him
1 John 2:15-17
Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love to the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world-the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life-is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.
Philippians 4:11-13
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
now to adlib alittle to jordan sparks' song battlefield..........
Why does LIFE and CONTENTMENT always feel like a battlefield???? a battlefield??? a battlefield?????
I guess you better go and get your armor (get your armor), get your armor (get your armor)
(i LOVEEEEE that song)
(and its number 5 on my playlist if you wanna hear it)
and now for some justification for my crazy CRAZY mind....that is always thinking.....and analyzing.....and wondering........and confused with my whole contentment issue...... READ the quote below! i guess i'm meant for heaven.......and so are YOU :)
"if we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were meant for another another world" - C.S. Lewis


  1. ohmyohmy, I LOVE this post. For so many reasons. I love your thoughts, I love your perspective, I love those Scriptures and the wonderful reminder they are, I love that C.S. Lewis quote, I love that Jordin Sparks song too, I love how funny you are, and I really love the pictures you included. Too cute for words you are, mrs. Leif. :)

    we all struggle with contentment, like you said-- it's a life-long battle! My struggle is not so much about what I want to be doing, but it's about so many other things, and about HOW I'm doing the things I'm doing. How often I forget that if I am discontent I simply need to look to the Lord instead of trying to fix it myself.

    thanks for a very thoughtful post, friend of mine.

  2. oh, ps: I am praying for you and all these things running through your head. :)

    also, I talk to myself too. My husband thinks I'm a nut. hehe.

  3. oh Lindsey!! You are a girl after my own heart!! Reading your blog makes me realize why we were little besties back in the day!! We think so much alike!!! Seriously though, we all do struggle with contentment... its our sin nature... always, always wanting more and more!! Its a nasty cycle... One verse that came to my mind was Hebrews 13:5

    " Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, "I will never leave you and I will never forsake you."

    Gives me goooooosebumps just thinking about that!! :) He will provide and he is constantly moving you to where you need to be...

    Remember that you are in your specific place and location right now for a reason!!! He put you there for a specific purpose... to reach those who no one else can!! When I was in the salon, I used to always think about that... Also, the Lord knows the desires of your heart!! Listen to your heart, listen to your hubby, and listen to Him-- and you'll be just fine!!! By the way, the part about moving back to ne and being closer to fam... I was really liking that part! :) You will be in my thoughts and we can pray for each other to be satisfied in the here and now!!! (Even if its soooo hard :)

    Love you!!
    -Deanna :)

  4. Armour of God = GT & the halo express :)


  5. I love this post too!!! I can definitely relate! It is a battle I think everyone has in some way, shape or form. What a great look to the lord for help. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Miss you :)

    P.S. I talk to myself too, haha!!! There is nothing wrong with that :)