Tuesday, July 27, 2010

as i sat in my...

...new office at school yesterday...... (yes i got a bigger room, yay!)........

.........staring at my zuchini bread,
.........smirking at the fact that i still have my May calendar page on my desk,
.........i realized,
i am not ready.where is my "oh its a fresh new year!" attitude?

why do i look around at the empty walls and feel overwhelmed at covering them with colorful, cheerful fabric? (something i used to LOVE doing at the beginning of the year)

why am i annoyed at people stopping in my room, touching my belly, telling me the cliched phrase, "oh you look cute!" and then jumping right into the nitty gritty questions they really came in for.........."do you get a long term sub for when you're gone?"................"when are you starting your leave?".................. and other random questions that clearly have an ulterior motive, other than being polite.

where is the excitement that used to fill me to the brim, practically overflowing, with setting up/getting organized/planning out the school year?

why can all i think about is having this baby (eeeeeeeeeek!!!) and i get annoyed at the idea of how much energy this job sucks out of me?

why do i dread having to reconnect with all the teachers and staff members at school?

the truth is........i'm a different person than i used to be. the beginning of THIS year is different for me than the last 3 years.

i'm realizing i have different priorities in life, different goals, a different purpose. not that my prior priorities (haha that sounded funny) were bad........i'm just changing.

as of about 10 months ago, even before i got pregnant, i began to notice a change in my thoughts/dreams/passions. at this time last year, i was completely and entirely a career-oriented person. i loved the purpose and fufillment i got from my job. and yes, although i've done some major job-hopping in the last 6 years (college job #1 bank teller, college job #2 file clerk at law firm, real job #1 2nd grade teacher, real job #2 school counselor) with each of those jobs came an excitement and a joy for trying to master what i could learn and dream of what i could do someday......

well, about 10 months ago, things started shifting in my perspective. i really started connecting with our church family on a deeper level. as my relationships with other women at church grew, we began having passionate conversations about their roles in their families as mothers, and some even as homeschoolers. As these friendships began to blossom throughout this year, i've developed a new found passion.........and i've begun to transform.

clearly i have nothing against working mothers. i will probably be one of them for a while (as mr leif and i are convinced that the government lied to us when we were so easily swayed into taking out quite the hefty school loans, said with a smile and a laugh), and thus we might need my income to tackle that school debt. but really, im developing quite the new perspectice for MY purpose in life. its not for all women and not for all mothers, but for ME, i'm starting to see that God is revealing a different path then the one i was on. one that is not consumed with career or growth on the payscale or impressing my coworkers or going above and beyond to 'look good' for my boss.

rather, my path leading me to my home. with my (future) children.

a dear friend of mine is preparing to lead a "mother's bible study" this fall. they're reading the mission of motherhood. both this friend and my sissy have said/warned me on how the author, is quite passionate about the purpose of stay-at-home-moms. i've decided i want to read it anyway, knowing i can't yet be the stay at home mom i wanna be! and as i prepare to read this book, i can't help but think about how i used to feel, and how so many other women i know are still passionate about work and how THAT is OK! but when my excitement for work is dwindling at a most rapid rate........i know i've been called for an ulterior purpose.

a short excerpt from a review on sally clarkson's book has got me dying to get my hands on a copy: .................“Motherhood can be one of the greatest, noblest, or fullest callings a woman can have. Every day, as mothers nurture their children, they influence eternal destiny as no one else can…Today’s culture minimizes the vital importance of a mother’s role. By catching a vision of God’s original design and allowing it to shape their lives, mothers can rediscover the joy and fulfillment built into the strategic role to which God has called them; for a purpose far greater than they can imagine…Using practical examples, personal anecdotes, a challenging vision, and sound scriptural support, Sally Clarkson upholds the traditional biblical view of God’s plan for motherhood; giving mothers exactly the support they need to persevere in cultivating and sharing their hearts for God, for their children, and for their homes.”

but. i face quite the dilemma.

i'm still employed. i still work out of the home. i'm still committed to being a school counselor for 400 children. i will only be home for 2.5 months with my baby. SOOO......i NEED some passion. i NEED some energy. i NEED some excitement to continue on. i may be feeling called to stay home with our children...........but for now, that isn't where God has me. and im struggling with finding purpose in the present.

one of the biggest areas of worry......as i begin this school year.......is my attitude and affect i will have on the staff. i want to be positive, excited, passionate. that's who i've been for them over the past 3 years, i must not let that change. bad attitudes rub off on other co-workers......i want to be a source of light for them. not the darkness. and i can't help but break into song........"this little light of mine, im gonna let it shine......." and ".....don't let satan BLOW it out, im gonna let it shine" and as i come to the satan part (ew, i don't even like typing that name) i realize, that will be my battle this year. the battle that will require the full amour of God.........i can't let my light blow out. im still a witness. im still shining for Him. regardless of where He has me for now.

can i dig deep and find the motivation?

can i find enough energy to give to work, yet reserve some for home?

can i not feel guilt when i show up just right at 8:00 in the morning because i didn't want to drop babyleif off any earlier than i had to, and when i rush off at 4:00 to get the him?

oh........i suppose i'll end here.........it will be on a good note :) because thinking about 'dropping off and picking up the baby' reminded me of some crazy RAD HAPPY news i have to share with you. i'll share it tomorrow.

but just know that prayers have been ANSWERED. and in a most blessed way :)

1 comment:

  1. Hey so I just found your blog through my friend Molly!

    Congrats on your first baby's soon arrival! Boys are so fun!!

    This post totally hit home with me. I know how you feel. I was also teaching when I was pregnant with my first. I felt my heart changing too in ways I didn't expect. I thought I would work and make money, but everything changed in my heart when he was born. It's amazing how God knits our hearts with our child's as mothers. It's a bond i can't even describe.

    Anyways, I am sure it will be hard to work when you have him. It will be hard for sure. But, trust God that he does want you to be with your son and it will work out. (I know I don't know you but I just wanted to share that with you) I was able to work at home for the school when my child was born as a teacher aide...lucky for me. But, I still worked and went to school until he was about 1 1/2 years old. Now, i am still finishing school, but I am at home with my babies and now expecting my fourth. Life is tight and we live simply, but it is so worth it!!

    Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!! Your life is definitely going to change but for the better!!