greatness in serving

i have a burning desire to be great.

don't we all?

all my life, i've pushed towards success.

whatever it took, i wanted to make it happen.

however, the lord doesn't just keep us "how we once were"

no. we are forever changing.  growing.  being sanctified.
and for me, this sanctification includes a shift in what it means, to be truly "great".

this morning i cried to mr leif, "i'm not doing anything right, in not one category am i doing great".
and it's not like i even have very many categories.
just two main ones: wife and mom.

...roman has been difficult, these last few weeks.  very difficult.
stretching me and my patience, and challenging me in new ways every day.  i don't know what to do with him most of the time.
i speak words to myself, "consistency will work"... "stick to your guns"...   "he's testing you"... "he needs more limits"...

and i try to respond.  but at the end of the day, i'm exhausted.  worn out.  and defeated.

though there is so much good in my day, so much joy, so many blessings, why?

why is it so easy to hold onto the bad.
the hard.  the exhaustion.  the constant serving.  and giving. and sacrificing.

sometimes when mr leif walks in at 6pm, sometimes i want to run out.  drive.  blare music.  and refocus.

but i don't.  i want to, but i don't.

and so, as i'm crying to mr leif about not being "great" at being a mom, about hating this feeling of failure i have, i move onto the subject of marriage...
and there too, i feel like a failure.  i have this vision of what a perfect wife does.  what she looks like.  how she acts.  

and, i'm not any of those things i think i need to be.

 i become selfish.  i tell myself i'm tired, that roman wore me out, that i just need some "me" time.
just a quick break from the serving and giving and sacrificing.

and yes.  i would tell you a thousand times, no, a billion times, over and over.

i love this role.  to be a mother.  to be a wife.  both are gifts that words can't describe.

but, it's in the mundane that my head spins. it's in the small moments, when i let sin take over, that i make it about me.

and so, as it normally goes, mr leif listens to me.  assures me that i am not what i say i am.

and then something speaks to me.  this greatness i'm trying to achieve?
where are my standards coming from?  whom am i accountable to?  where i am looking for feedback?

and it hits me.  like bricks.  because His word does that in it's convicting state.

"whoever wants to be great, must become a servant."

matthew 20.26

am i measuring my greatness to the things of this world?

how my child acts in the store.  what i wear out during the day.  the paint color of my walls.  my social life.  my status in attaining the american dream.

are those things weighing more than my call to serve?

it's a long process.  in fact, it never ends.  it won't until jesus comes again.

and so i say, come jesus, come.

because the hard moments are hard.  but the good moments, when His word is revealed?

it's then, i come alive.

i want to be great in Your name.  and so, i will serve.

my husband.

my son.

i will serve with joy.

when i find the butter that disappeared off the counter, and is now divided into little plastic pans,

and smeared on the walls.

i will serve with joy.

when he refuses to eat lunch.  but happily will hold it in his lap.  not eat it mom, just hold it.

and maybe throw it all over the backseat.

i will serve with joy.

when i've had an exhausting day, with my child, who cried more than he laughed today, 

who sat in many timeouts, who pushed every button his momma had.... 

i will serve our daddy, with dinner and cake and birthday celebrations.

. . .

this makes my heart leap:

"Will I someday be standing with scars to give account before Him that I wasn’t about my own comfort but Christ’s call, that I didn’t make my life about safe living but about dangerous dying, that I didn’t escape into a neat, saved American dream but into a messy, mission-driven God-sized demand."

-ann voskamp

grace for the lazy wife.

happy birthday mr leif.

today you are 29.

this morning, roman and i lit a candle and stuck it in a cinnamon roll.

roman was excited to sing "happy birday" and even more gaa-gaa over the "hot tandle".

. . .

i could stop there, and lead you all to believe that i am such a good wife.

that i woke up early and made breakfast for my husband's birthday.

but i'm not a good wife.  i'm actually pretty sucky.

truth?  mr leif layed out the cinnamon rolls last night.

truth?  roman was up before 5 and mr leif went to give him some milk, and then preheated the oven.

truth?  all i did was frost them.  and stick a candle one.

i justified him being the one to get up early with romes, on his birthday, by just chalking it up to "part of their bonding time"

but then i felt guilty.  and it was the good kind of convicting guilt.
so i hopped out of bed, and mr leif went back to bed.
 and later, we delivered him his breakfast.

. . .

the category of wife is not a pretty one, for me.

there are a lot of ways i struggle as a wife,

but it seems the more i am aware of them..... and the more i admit to them..... and the more i realize that i make it "all about me"..... then that's when the Lord seems to intervene.
when i give in.  admit the struggle.  He rescues.

he supplies this astounding amount of grace, and fills in the gaps that are, sadly, so large.
he gives me the desire to change, to serve.
more of him+less of me=serve my husband.

when i truly evaluate my role as wife, i develop the desire to bring about change.

so, as it would go, i realize my laziness this morning.  my selfishness.
and my lack of desire to serve my husband.

and today?  i shall go to the store and attempt to cook up a feast for dinner.

i'm sure it will be a mini disaster.  but he knows that for me, trying to cook is as much as successfully cooking.

so thankful i get to walk through this life with mr leif.  for his patience. and his humble ways.

. . .

PS.

i'm soaking up this book:

{grace for the good girl, by emily p. freeman)
this part touched me:  "....i told myself that good wives keep a clean house and don't cry about paint color.  good wives make good food for their hungry men and anticipate their needs before they have them.  and by the way? good wives are beautiful.

that gorgeous good wife stood in the corner of my living room, just over my husband's shoulder.
she was so put-together, so strikingly perfect, and so very ashamed of me.
 i was a prisoner in my own home, a prisoner to my own impossible expectations."

and loving these words:

{psalm 62:5 in the bible, david and jesus}
so healing to me:  "My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him;

for my hope and expectation are from Him."

serving

it seems as if the craziness of my week, has doubled as a gateway to normalcy.

this morning, a big white unicorn showed up at my doorstep.

so, i hopped on the unicorn and flew off to "i am capable land".

i know.  y'all probably think i'm speaking gibberish.

but plain and simple: today? it brought a taste of regular life again.

i've spent the last 2 months feelings crappy.

tired. nauseas. and like a really bad wife.

i kind of checked out and hid in a cave.

mostly i made grilled cheeses for lunch.

and often times repeated them for dinner.

unless mr leif made something else.

i spent all my time and energy during the day trying to be a good mom.

and then evening came, and i dumped romy onto mr leif.  while he cooked. 

and probably switched the laundry too.

i did a lot of laying on the couch.

which, though i felt crappy, when you just lay on the couch a lot and sort of stink at your role as a wife?

then you really start to feel crappy.

but i didn't do much about it.

i felt sick.  and tired.  and i just didn't really want to try.

but marriage is a beautiful thing.

especially when your husband rocks at his role as provider.

but, let's get back to that unicorn.

for some reason, i woke up this morning with energy.

and the desire to serve my husband.  

and it felt so good.  so right.  so where i need to be.

and by 8am, romes and i were out the door.

off to the store.

mr leif needed to bring treats to the office today.

for me, this was an opportunity that was busting through the door.

also, he had to leave for a meeting at 9 so if we wanted to say hi, we needed to throw on the turbo jet speed.

we practically sprinted through the store.

we totally went with the premade cookie bag stuff.  you know, the ones that just need a stick of butter, and an egg.

and i've never whipped up cookies as fast as i did this morning.

but mission complete, we made it to the office by 9:04.  

you know how good it felt to deliver treats to my husband?

i mean, so what if they only 20% from scratch.

i gave myself a wife gold star.  actually 4 of them.

 but i told you it was a unicorn i was on.  

and so the magic continued.

we went back to the store, and i got all the ingredients to make homemade chicken noodle soup.

and cinnamon rolls.

. . .

so after a delicious lunch of you guessed it, grilled cheese, AND broccoli, romes hit the sack.

and i hit the kitchen.

it was like momma vs. food, and i was determined to win.

raw chicken is pretty much my arch nemesis.

i don't even know what arch nemesis is, but i think it's an enemy.

so go with it.

i dominated that bird.  

and then two loads of laundry.

and currently, as i type, i'm in the middle of whipping up a mean batch of soup.

because,

i WILL have dinner waiting for my love.

i'm BACK in the game.

it's not that i enjoy cooking.  really, i can't stand it.  i always mess up.  and i don't really like messing up.

but i sort of forgot how it felt to serve my husband.  

even if it means baking him cookies.  attempting soup.  and having a clean house.

the sweet guy doesn't ask for any of those things, ever, but i need to do them.  for me.

i need to serve him.  because when i don't, i turn into an ugly person.

i'm serving myself, instead of him.  and by serving him, ultimately, i'm serving the Lord.

i know i may wake up tomorrow and feel like crawling under the covers, wishing he would deliver me donuts in bed again.  

but today was nice.  i felt competent. 

i'm going to try and repeat this again.  soon.  and maybe, hopefully, make it my normal.

oh snap. {do i sound like a 6th grader?} i totally forgot to thaw out the cinnamon roll dough.

see?  mistakes.  always.  erg.  i better go, i need to google for some sort of rushed dough thawing magic.

who am i?

trying to abide....

source

i would be a really good cook...

...if this was my kitchen.

seriously, mr. leif:

this is really all that's missing from my issue(s) with cooking:

a sweet kitchen.

i mean, come on.....

can you imagine the pies and coblers and cakes and cookies i would bake up in here?

i'm not so sure which main courses i would perfect, but you and i both know, it could take more than a new kitchen to help with that disaster :)

so for now.......

i'll be a pro-baker, IF i were inhabiting this amazing space.

just so you know...

source/obsession

we went to a wedding...

...and had a blast.

check out these hot babes :)



yep, that would be bestie carrie and bestie sam.
they are lovely ladies. and they liked my lovely lady lump (aka babyleif)
and everytime im with them, i don't wanna leave.
but thats ok :)
it makes our time together THAT much more special.
ps.
carrie's gettin hitched next june.
i forgot to mention that here
and pps.
sam's the one who couldn't find homegoods :)
and she had a garmin.
baaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha.
and i can laugh at her, because she knows i love her :)


and then there's the man of my dreams....



ya know what? mr leif asked me to dance at the reception.
i think that's the first time in our relationship history that he's asked me to dance, and not vice versa........and for those of you who know us best.....you know i'm the one who likes to shake it on the dance flo, and mr leif would prefer to sit back and watch me shake it.
and we danced to two songs.
and i could have danced to 3,789,302 more songs with him.
even in my wedges.



just to clear up any confusion or defend myself from copyright nazi's out there, i didn't do anything illegal by posting these pics, even though there's a giant X through the middle of them.......they give you the link to embed them :)

its a date....

...a date night.

and its budget friendly.

and its helping me learn how to like coffee.

because i don't like coffee.

but lots of my mommy friends are telling me i must learn to love it.

that i will need it.

so im easing myself in.

im liking white chocolate mocha stuff......

i don't even wanna know if there are tons of calories or whatever.

im not skilled enough to order the 'healthy' version yet.

i don't quite know what to tell the coffee dude.

so i just straight shoot off the menu.

and ya know what?

im kinda liking this whole coffee thing.

for the first time in well 25 years - it doesnt taste bitter or yucky.

and then there's the him.

mr leif is the perfect date.

we talk.

and sip our coffee, like we are cool.

and we dream.

and there is nothing to distract us. no computers, no laundry, no housework, no yard.

except one phone call from a lost friend trying to get to homegoods

(hahahaha - she knows im kidding)

and we soak each other up

and dream some more

and pretend the world has stopped.

and its the best date.

and we are practicing these cheap, quick dates.

because we know when the babe comes, we still need them. weekly.

and we'd like to have date night about 4 or 5 times a week.

but really. its just once a week.
and its our favorite night ever.

good work starbucks.

we like your comfy chairs.

and we like havin a date with you.

so do you?

do you set aside time for just your husband?

and talk and dream and smile and give googly eyes?

because you should.

its like medicine.

goooooooooood medicine.

my man shares...

....body wash with me.


yours might too.......but is it citrus? like really orangey/tangy/citrusy?

oh im all smiles as i type.

so mr. leif and i are like nose deep in becoming OBSESSED with budgeting.

apart from making it our idol, something we've discussed we need to be very careful NOT to do, we literally are finding FUN and ENJOYMENT in the challenge of trying to SAVE in any way we can.

nothin is gettin ordered off of menus
nothin swaggeriffic is being added to our closets
nothin fancy is goin into my jewelry box (which is actually a pink tackle box)
nothin crazy/outta this world/expensive is consuming our weekends, or evenings
nothin is being planned for us to go travel to or do

and we are LOVIN it.

i'm sure the newness will wear off.
but for now.
we are totally on the budget bandwaggon.

so the body wash? well..........we were mingling through costco gettin massive amounts of kirkland TP, and we decided to check out their body wash.
we picked up a pack of 2 massive citrus body washes.
and just to verify after we popped the pop and gave'r a sniffy........
i said

"are you SURE you are ok with using THAT as your soap in the shower?"

and he said

"i'm pretty sure im ok with my manhood enough, to use that body wash, no worries there"

and i laughed
yes mr leif, you are all 'man'.

so cheers to kickin our student loans in the FACE. (wow, a bit aggressive.......)

and cheers to gettin closer to livin off mr leif's income alone.

and cheers to me bein a momma. JUST a momma. well, and a wife too.

and cheers to our awesome attitudes through all of this.

God is definitely giving us the grace to attack this budget craziness.

a year ago, i would have never been up for this 'new way of life'.........

His grace abounds. and its so great to have THAT to rely on!

ps.

if you dont read cjane. at least read her post today.

she makes me smile. and im a tad obsessed with her. cant help it.

now, whose belly is this?

its mine :) and my beautiful friend krista very FABULOUSLY captured my growing family :)

and she is amazing. and she is SO talented.

and she loves jesus.
so of course, how can i NOT love her!

and if you wanna see the rest, you can click HERE:)

as i sat in my...

...new office at school yesterday...... (yes i got a bigger room, yay!)........

.........staring at my zuchini bread,
.........smirking at the fact that i still have my May calendar page on my desk,
.........i realized,
i am not ready.where is my "oh its a fresh new year!" attitude?

why do i look around at the empty walls and feel overwhelmed at covering them with colorful, cheerful fabric? (something i used to LOVE doing at the beginning of the year)

why am i annoyed at people stopping in my room, touching my belly, telling me the cliched phrase, "oh you look cute!" and then jumping right into the nitty gritty questions they really came in for.........."do you get a long term sub for when you're gone?"................"when are you starting your leave?".................. and other random questions that clearly have an ulterior motive, other than being polite.

where is the excitement that used to fill me to the brim, practically overflowing, with setting up/getting organized/planning out the school year?

why can all i think about is having this baby (eeeeeeeeeek!!!) and i get annoyed at the idea of how much energy this job sucks out of me?

why do i dread having to reconnect with all the teachers and staff members at school?

the truth is........i'm a different person than i used to be. the beginning of THIS year is different for me than the last 3 years.

i'm realizing i have different priorities in life, different goals, a different purpose. not that my prior priorities (haha that sounded funny) were bad........i'm just changing.

as of about 10 months ago, even before i got pregnant, i began to notice a change in my thoughts/dreams/passions. at this time last year, i was completely and entirely a career-oriented person. i loved the purpose and fufillment i got from my job. and yes, although i've done some major job-hopping in the last 6 years (college job #1 bank teller, college job #2 file clerk at law firm, real job #1 2nd grade teacher, real job #2 school counselor) with each of those jobs came an excitement and a joy for trying to master what i could learn and dream of what i could do someday......

well, about 10 months ago, things started shifting in my perspective. i really started connecting with our church family on a deeper level. as my relationships with other women at church grew, we began having passionate conversations about their roles in their families as mothers, and some even as homeschoolers. As these friendships began to blossom throughout this year, i've developed a new found passion.........and i've begun to transform.

clearly i have nothing against working mothers. i will probably be one of them for a while (as mr leif and i are convinced that the government lied to us when we were so easily swayed into taking out quite the hefty school loans, said with a smile and a laugh), and thus we might need my income to tackle that school debt. but really, im developing quite the new perspectice for MY purpose in life. its not for all women and not for all mothers, but for ME, i'm starting to see that God is revealing a different path then the one i was on. one that is not consumed with career or growth on the payscale or impressing my coworkers or going above and beyond to 'look good' for my boss.

rather, my path leading me to my home. with my (future) children.

a dear friend of mine is preparing to lead a "mother's bible study" this fall. they're reading the mission of motherhood. both this friend and my sissy have said/warned me on how the author, is quite passionate about the purpose of stay-at-home-moms. i've decided i want to read it anyway, knowing i can't yet be the stay at home mom i wanna be! and as i prepare to read this book, i can't help but think about how i used to feel, and how so many other women i know are still passionate about work and how THAT is OK! but when my excitement for work is dwindling at a most rapid rate........i know i've been called for an ulterior purpose.

a short excerpt from a review on sally clarkson's book has got me dying to get my hands on a copy: .................“Motherhood can be one of the greatest, noblest, or fullest callings a woman can have. Every day, as mothers nurture their children, they influence eternal destiny as no one else can…Today’s culture minimizes the vital importance of a mother’s role. By catching a vision of God’s original design and allowing it to shape their lives, mothers can rediscover the joy and fulfillment built into the strategic role to which God has called them; for a purpose far greater than they can imagine…Using practical examples, personal anecdotes, a challenging vision, and sound scriptural support, Sally Clarkson upholds the traditional biblical view of God’s plan for motherhood; giving mothers exactly the support they need to persevere in cultivating and sharing their hearts for God, for their children, and for their homes.”

but. i face quite the dilemma.

i'm still employed. i still work out of the home. i'm still committed to being a school counselor for 400 children. i will only be home for 2.5 months with my baby. SOOO......i NEED some passion. i NEED some energy. i NEED some excitement to continue on. i may be feeling called to stay home with our children...........but for now, that isn't where God has me. and im struggling with finding purpose in the present.

one of the biggest areas of worry......as i begin this school year.......is my attitude and affect i will have on the staff. i want to be positive, excited, passionate. that's who i've been for them over the past 3 years, i must not let that change. bad attitudes rub off on other co-workers......i want to be a source of light for them. not the darkness. and i can't help but break into song........"this little light of mine, im gonna let it shine......." and ".....don't let satan BLOW it out, im gonna let it shine" and as i come to the satan part (ew, i don't even like typing that name) i realize, that will be my battle this year. the battle that will require the full amour of God.........i can't let my light blow out. im still a witness. im still shining for Him. regardless of where He has me for now.

can i dig deep and find the motivation?

can i find enough energy to give to work, yet reserve some for home?

can i not feel guilt when i show up just right at 8:00 in the morning because i didn't want to drop babyleif off any earlier than i had to, and when i rush off at 4:00 to get the him?

oh........i suppose i'll end here.........it will be on a good note :) because thinking about 'dropping off and picking up the baby' reminded me of some crazy RAD HAPPY news i have to share with you. i'll share it tomorrow.

but just know that prayers have been ANSWERED. and in a most blessed way :)

an interview with...

...mr leif.

a tribute to his first father's day :)

sorry for the crappy celly pic.

this was right when i picked him up from the airport LATE last night. after a week in the mission field and no shaving, i was still so very attracted to my mr.

his giant smile swooned me like no other :)

now for the interview...................

me = purple
mr leif = green
~~~side note...for those of you who dont know mr leif. he's not a big talker, so this interview was a big step for him and his relationship with my blog.
big things are happenin people, real big things.
if you can imagine.......i typically do lots of the talking :)

do you know that i refer to you as mr. leif? yes
do you think it sounds weird? no
do you like being called mr. leif? sure

do you read my blog? no i don't
why not? you've never asked me to

what do you like to watch on tv?
right now, college baseball......the world series

do you wish i was a better cook?
of course, but i love you just the way you are

are you excited for how i am going to decorate the nursery?
only if i only have to paint it once
what are you refering to?
you sometimes make me paint rooms more than once
well that happens in most homes, people change the colors, whats the big deal?
two days later they do?
oh yes, sorry, you did paint a room 2 different times within 2 days. for me. love you!

what names do you wish i liked, when you think about naming our babe?
henry, jack
any that you think we could settle on together?
leroy.....hahaha, no not leroy, this is private linds, we aren't gonna share
ok i guess we aren't sharing now

will you be a guest blogger next week and tell my readers about your mission trip?
no.
sure...

what is one thing you dream of doing some day?
building my own house

what did you like most about your first father's day?
the breakfast in bed

do you think i should keep growing my hair out?
yeah (said like, yeah...of course!!)

HAPPY FATHERS DAY MR LEIF
i heart you big BIG time.

on saturday we got...

.....funnel cakes.
they were yummy.

we walked to the festival a few blocks away.

and devoured the greasy goodness.

and then we went out to get a cocktail.
well. mr. leif did, i had sprite.
he wouldn't be seen with this picture below, he thought it looked like a girly drink.

it's like i can breathe again.

almost as if i've been holding my breath for 10 months

almost as if i've been hiding under my blankets this whole time (well, i have been sometiems.... when there are weird noises from squirrels throwing nuts at each other on my roof)

my husband is home. i can breathe. and i can come out from under my blankets :) (duhhhh cuz now he will scare off those squirrels who are pretending to be bad guys on my roof)

i know i said i would blog over the weekend about this, my BIG 100th POST, but i've been soakin up the married life again.

as i look back on the year, i can see so much growth - for both of us.

but i can also see that God has clearly made each of us for the other.

he's my other half, and i need him around, and he's home :)

........and he brought me blueberry pancakes in bed today.

........and today we had a dr. appointment and the heartbeat is rompin!

here are some random shots from our friday night.

mr. leif got home really late and i felt super icky again.

but we went down to the plaza and hit up noodles n' co.

sorry bout the crappy celly pics. but look, we are right across from 'heaven on earth' ....anthro. just looking through their windows makes me smile.

snap! sorry mr. leif. you weren't really lookin ;)

these noodles were delish. and so was my izze drink. being it in a bottle and all, it kinda felt like a brewsky. ahhhhhhh. nice.

and then we went to hy-vee for some carbinated water for my tummy.

and mr. leif parked in this spot.

and i was embarassed.

so i pretended to waddle and i stuck out my stomache. jk.

...

wednesday is my last class. my semester will be over. i've thought a lot about this semester. it truly has been the hardest 4 months of my life so far. and i know there are so many more busy and hard times to come....

but, im so glad my 1st trimester is over, my 3 classes are over, my mr. is home, and there are only 13 more days left of my first year in being a school counselor.

ya know whats kinda cool?

i've been going to see my childhood friend luke for some chiropractic help. but its crazy. for the last 3 days i haven't had an ounce of pain. the pain that has been with me ever.single.day since november. the pain that has kept me up at night. the pain that has made me wanna bathe in icy hot for 3 hours a day. its GONE.

hmmmmm.........think i was just carrying some stress there in my upper right shoulder area? um yeah. i think so.

alright, i will quit rambling.....

but really, celebrate with me.

he's home. from his year away, he's home. praise GOD.

mr. leif's favorite.....

......song.

the other day, he said to me, "linds, look up a song called 'brother's keeper', its my new favorite".

so i looked it up.
well, i found out that its actually called "hold us together" by matt maher.
i totally fell in love with the song too.
and then i re-fell in love with mr. leif.
it melts my heart that this is his current favorite song.

k, i need to give you some history.
back when we were first dating, we drove to hastings a lot - to go see movies and eat at runza.
i discovered early on that mr. leif liked weird music (or so i thought). stuff like pearl jam.

now i thought that i had the best music taste ever.
i mean, when i wanted to get pumped up for a vball, or bball game, we would shake it to luda or something naughty and rap-like.
when i wanted to dream of mr. leif i would listen to country.
and when i wanted to beller out and have some worship time in my car, i would bust out the sonic flood.

we didn't discuss music very much, because i learned very quickly that we had different tastes.
you see, i specifically remember being in his green monte carlo, on highway 6, hearing him say "i hate country, i will never like it"

...then low and behold, a few years later, i do believe we found ourselves at a kenney chesney concert. and mr. leif even owned a few country cd's :) (notice the change?!?!?!)

...then i very slowly introduced him to christian music. i think for many people new to christian music, it seems kinda weird. but soon, very soon, it will begin to move you. and before you know it you are bellerin out to k-love in your car, and if its a real good one, you might even get tears :) yes it moves you. well, it moves me, this i know.

...a few years go by (which is about 3 years ago), and guess what station is totally programed into his #2 button. K-LOVE! i didn't do it people, he totally set that. boooooooo-yah.

...a couple road trips back to NE and i suddenly realize, we can beller out TOGETHER while we listen to K-LOVE :) (i can't believe i am telling you this, he might be embarrassed, but i am typing this out of complete love and adoration of my husband)

...and now, he is literally spoutin out 'this is my favorite song' when referring to a christian contemp song.........heck, he is so great. he has totally transformed as a music lover. and i love it.

k, now. back to business.

so this song.

you HAVE to listen to the words. its beautiful.
and mr. leif is one of the most humble men i know.
and it makes my heart so happy that he would pick THIS song, with THESE lyrics, to be his current fave.

i hope k-love plays it 57 times on his way home from st. lou-eeey on friday afternoon.
actually maybe i should call in a little dedication!?!?! hahahhaaha

push pause on my music player :)



k, so you listened to it once. intently reading the lyrics. and smiling.
now.
this time, listen to it again, BLAST the volume and dance. and of course smile.
i know i did. in fact......its what i'll do now :)

tonight....

....i had a knock on the door.
rather, it was more like a pound.

1st instinct..........freak out.
2nd instict..........get real, breathe, relax.
3rd instict..........go answer the door silly, its only 5:25 and a boogy man won't come in the day light, so its probably a neighbor or something.

so...........
i open the door.

and then i FREEEEEEAAK OUT!!!!

cuz. guess who it was........

(you'll find out tomorrow)



















jk. it was MR LEIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i laughed for like 5 minutes straight (good ab workout)

he knew all along, all weekend long that he wasnt leaving today. he played it cool........
there were so many signs that made it seem like EVERY other sunday night for the last 1o months, so many signs that made it seem like he was, in fact, leaving again in the morning.....
he asked me for my grocery list

went got me groceries last night (its his sunday night routine, he's so sweet)

we watched our sunday night shows

we both engaged in our whiny sunday night convo about how we cant wait for him to be home

he spoke to baby leif, telling 'him' that daddy will be home soon, and to bare with his needy momma (he thinks its a him)

he packed his bag for the week

he said his sweet goodbyes this morning

he answered his phone when i called to see if he made it safe, and he LIED telling me he was still on the way, and that he had hit some traffic

and then. he suprised me.

:)

turns out, he spent the day at the office..........he's such a FAKER!!!!!!!!!!!

hes gonna be home until thursday. he only has to leave thursday and friday this week. halleluja :) and then next week MIGHT BE HIS LAST WEEK

but. im not gettin my hopes up. ya never know with construction........project managers have to be there until the last little thing is checked off the list........so like i said, im not getting my hopes up yet. but eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the thought of him coming home makes me want to jump up and down and pee my pants (threw that one in there for you liza).

oh and i am totally doing like 43 fist pumps because his next project is starting like now. and its HERE in KC!!!!!!!!!!! and i can't wait to bombard him with lunch dates this summer :) its like i will be the crazy pregnant lady, stalking him. jk. i will definitely get his permission first, helloooooooo!?!? but still, i will probably ask him every morning if he wants to have a picnic over his lunch break. and then i can wear a minxy housewife dress to the park and meet him there.

so, what the heck am i doing!?!? wasting time in the internet.........i gotta go! time to hang out with my hubby!!!!!!!!!!!!

ps. i didn't go to class tonight. i totally had a reason, right!?!?!

workin for the.....

weeeeeeeeeeekend. its what i do.

but. about 8 weeks or so now.........
and my mr. will be home.........
and never never never, he says, will we be apart this long again........
i. can't. wait.

this weekend was good.

because it was warm.
because we hung out with good friends :) and i had mac and cheese and french fries on a lunch tray. and these friends make us smile.

because we went to visit our other friends..........its her birthday week :)

because mr. leif grilled. and i had a juicy cheeseburger with ketchup and pickle. and then i burped up the burger for the next 3.6 hours. but that's ok.

because me and my mr. made a fruit pizza.

because we ate it straight out of the pan. because we can. and to keep up with this rhyming, i wish i was tan.

because mr. leif hammered away on his nesting list.

because i ate fruit pizza while i watched him work and i laughed at him. a lot. because he had 2 cups of coffee and was wirrrrrrrrrrrrred. he is so funny when he gets like that.

because he was so happy. happy to be home with me. and that makes me happy. and he thinks my belly is growing. i can't tell..........other then the fact that i have to unbutton my pants about mid-day..........but that happens even afer a good night out at mccormick and scmick's.

ps. friday we have our next dr. appt....YAY. and friday after the doc we drive home.....YAY. and next week i am home all week with my sissy, and gingiepoo, and my family.......YAY. and next week i will eat all of my mom's good food........YAY.

i am missing...

...mr. leif.

we had such a great weekend together. throughout the last 3 weeks my mind has been all over the place, and i sort of haven't thought much about how much i miss him. this weekend i found myself telling 3 different people that we are doing great! and that it's almost over! and that may will be here before we know it!

and now......

i don't feel any of those things. may seems like an eternity away.

then he left last night.

and i was once again alone in our house. i cranked up the heat and assumed my position on the couch under the blankets. he made me a smoothie before he left, so i slurped that and slowly made my way through the evening until bedtime. this morning, as i woke up, i pouted some more. my house was quiet, no one to share the bathroom with. then i came to work, unmotivated, wishing i was sleeping and not having to work with these needy children.

and then.

i snapped back into reality.

it was almost if someone slapped me in the face. maybe God did. but i suppose He doesn't slap people. He is more of the loving type :) hehe

helllllllo?????? quit pouting.

so. i have realized that the first 6 months were easier then this month. i had a better attitude about him being gone. i prayed for him more. actually........because i like to be transparent, i'll be honest when i say that i haven't really prayed for him much lately at all (other then the basic stuff and that he won't get in a wreck driving to st. louis in the snowy and icy weather)

so in my revelation of my own ridiculousness - (pouting because mr. leif should be home. with me. and not there- building appartments), i decided to get back to business and really pray for him. it helped me before and it will help me again.

i thought i would share with you some ways i am praying. the power of a praying wife is mindboggling. these are tips from a little marriage advice thingy i have at home........

pray with me this week, for your hubbies..........will you?

·Pray that the Lord would give him strength to lead, time to know his family, and a passion to manage his home.

·That the Lord would bless his work and show him daily how to honor You in his attitude and spirit; confirm the work of his hands unto Your purpose

·That your husband will be a wise steward of our finances and all we possess, remembering that all things are Yours and entrusted to us for Your purposes

·That he will love You with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength and hate evil

·That he will be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger

·That the Lord would protect him physically, mentally, and spiritually

·That the Lord would give him the desire to teach and model a godly lifestyle for his children (I can pray this one now since, well, ya know, there is a baby on the way and all...........)

·That the Lord will instruct him and teach him in the way he should go, give him peace in the circumstances and integrity in decisions he must face today

·That he would meditate day and night on Your Word, pray without ceasing and stay faithful to Christ to the end

·That he would develop strong relationships with other godly men

ok. now go PRAY! seriously. it works miracles :)

even if you pick just one thing each day. do it! PRAY!

and instead of nagging or complaining......run into the other room and pray for him.

you won't even feel like nagging on him after you pray.

i've tried it.

and it worked.

:)

10 years ago tonight...........

..............mr. leif asked me to be his girlfriend.

feb. 4 was 'our anniversary'. i remember the whole night like it was yesterday. but i won't bore you with those details :)

i kinda miss those crazy dating days.

i like to reminisce back to life when my biggest concern was if mr. leif would come to my locker in between classes, or if mr. leif would come talk to me at lunch, or if mr. leif would watch my hurdle race, or if mr. leif would call me...................and then when he did, i would get the most amazing rush in my heart :)

my mom liked to say we were just friends, even up until our wedding day, but i know in my heart i loved him long before we were married. it was young love.

its so cool to look back and see how much our relationship has changed, grown, and become so intertwined with the Lord.

today mr. leif remembered how special february 4 was to us and still is :)
he remembered all by himself.

i know he remembered because this was waiting for me in the office today at school

special thanks to one of the first graders at my school, josselin, for taking this picture of me :)

with this note:

"I think it's been 10 years, right?

Love, Casey"

man......i could go back to being fun, crazy, responsibility-less, 15 in a flash.

it goes to show ya.....

.....life isn't always the fairy tale we make it out to be :)

but we can defnitely make it our own version of fairy tale if we try :)

so in response to my previous post about the beautiful invitation from mr. leif...........

here is why mr. leif and i had a date of imperfections........but it was perfect for us:

• on my way home from work on friday i started feeling yucky......i had a headache and just felt blah.
• mr. leif didn't get to leave as early as he tried so he didn't make it home until 7:45. (not a biggie at all...........i was just finishing up getting ready when he walked in)
• mr. leif took me to a fabulous restaraunt, cafe trio, where they messed up on my order and our cheesecake was kinda frozen.
• i couldn't even finish my glass of wine because i started feeling even more icky.
• so our date was over.

butttttttttttt............................

• mr. leif is my romeo and he brought me home, i put my jammies on, and he was at my service. he takes good care of me when i don't feel good, heck, he takes good care of me even when i do feel good ;)

we both agreed that being home, together, after 12 days.......was better then any fancy smancey date or cute clothes or cute ruby lips could ever be :)

ps, i brough my camera to the restaraunt but didn't fee like taking a single pic.

and pss.......i left my purse at cafe trio too. we were soooooooo meant to stay home, weren't we!?!?!

all in all, i heart my mr. leif and i really hearted his invitation :)

our house is like......

almost freaky right now.

i mean, seriously. check out my view as i peer through about 86.7% of the windows in our house...

ahhhhhhhhhhhh............icicles are e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e

(ps. i am not sure how to spell it, icicles or icycles??)

(pps. i am to lazy to look it up on dictionary.com or spell check in micro word)

(ppss. i am assuming since it is not some sort of device with a wheel, like bicycle or tricycle, that it is spelled icicle. but you can totally check me on that assumption.)

i asked mr. leif about them and the danger to our house and our gutters

(or my head when i walk outside and might just get totally stabbed).

of course, he had some long, very smart sounding, answer.

but, because. i was stalking this blog, while he was explaining, i only recall snippets of something about our insulation or letting heat out or......heck, i don't really remember what he said. so............i guess iwill conlcude that icicles are nothing more the one of the most beautiful things God has created ;)

oh yeah, and yesterday i had a snow day. yep! no work for me! it was such a great day :) i can really see myself as a stay at home wife. i slept in, visited a friend and her new baby, went to the gym, went to the grocery store, did some laundry, baked cookies, ate 5 and 1/2 cookes, and then had the other 1/2 of a cookie, and then i made mr. leif dinner.

he likes it when i cook for him, he is always the 'cooker' in the house. i usually mess up and get frustrated, but lately i have been really comin out of my shell in terms of cooking.....

speaking of shells..........

i made stuffed shells for din din.

i got the recipe from this site, and added some ground turkey and a yellow onion, and of course loaded these suckers with way more cheese than called for ;)

ok, off to wake my sleeping prince from his saturday afternoon nap!