on my current season of life.

hello?
hello??
is anybody out there???
is anyone reading this???
did you all run away and flag this blog as "boring blog"???
it's ok if you did!!! i've been a bit boring lately, i know :)

well. i'm here. i'm still here. and, i'd like to warn you: this post is long. (and it's sort of all over the place......)

let's see. where shall i begin?
ok, let's back up to my spring break, in the middle of march.

have you ever driven a 4 hour trip with a baby? by yourself?
well, it's actually about 5.5 hours. because you have to stop for him to eat. and poop. and play.

but don't worry. the drive time you waste while stopping is clearly made up for when you realize your foot is pushed, pedal to the medal, because of the intense cry coming from the backseat. yes, i used to 'drive fast' because i was listening to some fly beats. now? its when roman is using his 'baby talk' to tell me he is DONE being in his carseat, aka: screaming.

roman isn't typically a screamer, he's a rather happy baby. but no one likes to be in a carseat after 4 hours. so, 5.5 is pushin' it.
needless to say, we were greeted with a very excited grammy. and a new pair of shades.
romes, you're cool. so very cool.

roman got some great giggles in.
anytime you start nibbling on him......whether it's his belly, his ears, his neck, his toes? yep. he's a giggle monster.

and when he wasn't giggling with grams? he was chillin with gramps.
just catchin a little fox news. nbd. (nbd? oh, that's short for no big deal, k dad? hehehehe)

roman decided that he is, in fact, infatuated with the bath tub.
especially the one at grammy's house.

and what the heck, he now has two new bff's
blog friends: meet rubber ducky, and octopus.

we even had a fun visit from roman's other grammy, and his uncle cameron!
boy, that cam, he's sure entertaining, huh romes?!!
you could play with him for hours :)

one morning, we went into town. let me explain......my parents live in the country. and our town (of 1300 people) is about 5 miles away. so for 'civilization', aka bakery/grocerystore/gas/subway, we 'go into town'.
we met my cousin kate, and her little hudson (on the right) and our friend whitney, and her little brexton (on the left) at the bakery!!!

and the other guest?
the guest of honor?
great grammy rath.
the bakery is totally her hangout. so we got to spend a sweet little morning there with her!

then, on thursday?
dun..... dun...... dun.......
cute, loveable, happy, goofy, giggly baby?
not-so-much.
NOTSOMUCH.

romes got sick.
like, i won't sleep - sick.
like, i wanna scream - sick.
like, i will drool everywhere and slam things into my mouth it hurts so bad - sick.
like, now i have a rash on my face - sick.
like, i won't nurse - and mom couldn't pump enough - so must run into town and get some formula - sick.
like, i won't do anything but be pushed around in this stroller - sick.

yeah, so what's harder than trying to make a sick baby feel better at home?
trying to make a sick baby feel better when you are NOT home.
and you don't have your husband.
and you don't have any teething medicine.
and you only have a little tylenol. and you don't get sleep......... whoofta.

but as i look back, i realize, it wasn't just the 'roman is being really difficult right now'............
no, it was that he was fussy all day on thursday. and thursday night, all night. and then all day on friday.........and on friday night. AND i was supposed to be in lincoln on friday night.
i was supposed to be helping prepare for carrie's shower.
i was supposed to be making food
i was supposed to be hanging out with the girls.
it was friday night - i hadn't planned to be at my parents house, having not showered for 2 days, trying to maintain sanity with a sick baby. but i was.
and that's where i was supposed to be.

that's my season of life right now.

it's hard for me to hear about my friends, doing things that i can't do, because i'm a mom now.
i have a priority..... another life to take care of.
in the past, i was the social queen. there wasn't an event i would miss.
it's hard now. i've put events on my calendar, only to watch them drift by, unattended.

well............. saturday morning rolls around. and thank goodness God gave me a bit of grace - roman seemed to be feeling a bit better. even though we were up all night......we were off, on our way to lincoln, by mid-morning.

we met at the shower venue. i was so excited to hang up the bunting roman's babysitter and i made :)

and lay out the poms, and the extra fabric for our center pieces :)

finally, the room was ready to go. it looked great.
AND........we had about 3 hours until we needed to back in time for the shower.

so,
all the other girls went home. to shower. to freshen up. to WASH THEIR HAIR.....
what should i do. what should i do. that phrase rang through my mind........ i don't know, i don't know!!!.......i forgot shoes to wear with my dress - so i needed to go get some. my toenails hadn't been painted in who knows how long......my HAIR!?? i hadn't showered in now 3 days...... and YUCK i'm so white. i don't wanna wear a dress with this pasty skin!???.........oh WAHHHhh but i have ROMAN! he needs to take a nap, and YIKES! i need to pump so that he will have a bottle while i'm at the shower........and my HAIR!?!??! and breathe. breathe. breathe.........
one. thing. at. a. time.

so i went to have some lunch with sam.
and what'do'ya'know, God gave me a little more grace - roman fell asleep on the way.
hooooray.
next, it was off to von maur. get me some feet candy.
sam was going to bring me some polish.
mom and dad were on their way, and would meet me at von maur.
dad watched romes while mom helped me pick out some shoes.
then it was off to the hotel room. mom and dad were going to watch little romes, while i was at the shower.......so i QUICKly through on my dress.
touched up my makeup.
and still didn't shower........shhhhhh...........
let's not discuss my hair.
k?

arriving at a wedding shower with 3 day old hair. that wasn't fixed. and white pasty skin. and feeling fat? (just added the last one for kicks) well, that's just my season of life right now.


and, even though i felt SO self-conscious the whole evening.....
and, even though i despised my peek into the bathroom mirror, because i felt yucky about what i saw......
and, even though i felt surrounded by bronze beautiful, young, vibrant women who weren't wearing nursing bras, who had fresh bouncy hair, and who weren't secretly fretting about how their sick little baby was doing back at the hotel..............

even though i was feeling all of those awful things,
i had a blast.
it took a bit (yes ashley, i WAS a bit out of it for a while....) but i snapped out of my pitty party.
i had a blast.
i snuck away to the hotel for a bit to pump a bottle for romes.
and then i went back out with the girls.
i had a blast.
we stayed out til 1am....... 1 AM!!!!!
i had a blast.

needless to say, my 1:30am bedtime was greeted with a 5:00 am wake time by little rome.
yep, we were up and att'em. WAY.too.early.
we had some breakfast with my parents, and then we hit the road.
longest.drive.home. EVER.
mr. leif welcomed us home, with open arms.

moving on...........
why else haven't i been blogging very often??
well, i've been quite preoccupied.
with this little boobiebutt (i know, weird name, but it just rolls off my tongue)
we're raising a lil' hawk fan. rock chalk, jayhawk, go KU!!!
(mr. leif would say he's total husker. but i'm not opposed to ku)

and guess what else is cool?
this blanket.
from THIS GIRL.
she made it.
she sent it to romes.
she made my heart happy.

romedizzle is quite fond of it too.
look at the little 'R' on the tree :)
ahhhhhhhh.
and it says 'little leif'
ahhhhhhhh.

......for the past month, i've been in hiding.
i've lost touch with friends.
i've been rude to mr leif.
i've been stressed out to the max at work.
i've been overwhelmed with all of my final assignments before my may graduation.
i've been on overload trying to prepare for my comprehensive exams.
i've been a bad friend (did i say that one yet?)
i've felt guilty about the pathetic job i'm doing at work.
i've been missing roman each day i'm not home.
i've been slowly losing my milk supply, due to not having enough time to pump at work.
i've had mastitis (WORSE.PAIN.EVER).
i've had strep throat.

and that is all just a part of the season of life i am in right now.

i don't like the person i am right now.
but i know i will improve.

he makes me happy.

his sweaty, bead-head, nappy-hair-after-naptime makes me happy.

a visit from grammy abbi makes me happy.

an insta-smile baby makes me happy.

a little cheesehead makes me happy.

skyping with my sissy and niecey charlotte makes me happy.

a chill little dude, hangin on my couch makes me happy.

and a husband..........
who loves me,
who takes care of me,
who is proud of me,
who loves his baby,
who loves his babymomma,
makes me happy.


i've been absent from this blog and i apologize. it's just a busy season of life for me.

i feel the weight lifting though. i do i do.
the first weekend in may i GRADUATE!
the last week of may our elementary school lets out for SUMMER!

i've recently added a goal, to my 'lifegoals' list:
that would be to simplify my life.
what better time to set this goal, then when it's at it's busiest.

i'm really looking forward to the weekend.
we're off to omaha for a wedding.
a wedding that my WHOLE family (on my mom's side) will be at.
a wedding that will have us ALL staying in the same hotel at the same time.
a wedding that will allow romes to experience his first big swimming pool experience.
a wedding that will promote dancing. and laughter. and fancy dresses and high heels.
a wedding that i will wear red lipstick too. or maybe pink?
a wedding that will bring a smile to my face.

i'm in love with this season of life.
it's where God has me right now.
i'll live it to the fullest.

time to brag on...

...mr. leif.

it's been a while since i've properly recognized my prince :)


however.
after this week, i knew it was time....

he's been so good to me lately.
don't you love a give and take relationship?!?!?

except, i've been constantly taking, because i'm worn out from giving (to the baby and to my students)

what is he giving, that i'm so graciously taking?

• breakfasts in bed........waffles......cinnamin rolls.......
• calling me after work asking what i want for dinner.........
• researching our 'hospital bag packing list' and emailing me suggestions........
• late night medicine trips.....i've been a sicky this week........

yep. he's a keeper. and i get to brag about him. because he deserves it. (and now that he reads my blog - THANK U my LOVE........my sweet sweet LOVE :)

.........

i can see where it might be so hard for husbands to know how to help in this 'new baby phase'........when the momma is the one who is so in demand (you know for her breasts and such)

(sorry dad, i know you said i mention breasts too much on my blog.........hahaha, but i can't help it!!)

i can see where the husband's needs get thrown to the wayside because the baby needs me too, his needs also need to be met

i can see how relationships get rocky when a baby is born

BUT i can be intentional about our relationship come october :) i can pray for lots of grace.

sometimes i'm scared that it will be january, and i'll realize that its been since september that we've...........gone on a date. or snuggled in bed. or watched a movie.

i worry too much though.

hello positive thoughts............please consume me??!!

and hello baby..........we are just so ready for you to come. even though you still have 6 weeks. we're ready for ya anytime :)

as i sat in my...

...new office at school yesterday...... (yes i got a bigger room, yay!)........

.........staring at my zuchini bread,
.........smirking at the fact that i still have my May calendar page on my desk,
.........i realized,
i am not ready.where is my "oh its a fresh new year!" attitude?

why do i look around at the empty walls and feel overwhelmed at covering them with colorful, cheerful fabric? (something i used to LOVE doing at the beginning of the year)

why am i annoyed at people stopping in my room, touching my belly, telling me the cliched phrase, "oh you look cute!" and then jumping right into the nitty gritty questions they really came in for.........."do you get a long term sub for when you're gone?"................"when are you starting your leave?".................. and other random questions that clearly have an ulterior motive, other than being polite.

where is the excitement that used to fill me to the brim, practically overflowing, with setting up/getting organized/planning out the school year?

why can all i think about is having this baby (eeeeeeeeeek!!!) and i get annoyed at the idea of how much energy this job sucks out of me?

why do i dread having to reconnect with all the teachers and staff members at school?

the truth is........i'm a different person than i used to be. the beginning of THIS year is different for me than the last 3 years.

i'm realizing i have different priorities in life, different goals, a different purpose. not that my prior priorities (haha that sounded funny) were bad........i'm just changing.

as of about 10 months ago, even before i got pregnant, i began to notice a change in my thoughts/dreams/passions. at this time last year, i was completely and entirely a career-oriented person. i loved the purpose and fufillment i got from my job. and yes, although i've done some major job-hopping in the last 6 years (college job #1 bank teller, college job #2 file clerk at law firm, real job #1 2nd grade teacher, real job #2 school counselor) with each of those jobs came an excitement and a joy for trying to master what i could learn and dream of what i could do someday......

well, about 10 months ago, things started shifting in my perspective. i really started connecting with our church family on a deeper level. as my relationships with other women at church grew, we began having passionate conversations about their roles in their families as mothers, and some even as homeschoolers. As these friendships began to blossom throughout this year, i've developed a new found passion.........and i've begun to transform.

clearly i have nothing against working mothers. i will probably be one of them for a while (as mr leif and i are convinced that the government lied to us when we were so easily swayed into taking out quite the hefty school loans, said with a smile and a laugh), and thus we might need my income to tackle that school debt. but really, im developing quite the new perspectice for MY purpose in life. its not for all women and not for all mothers, but for ME, i'm starting to see that God is revealing a different path then the one i was on. one that is not consumed with career or growth on the payscale or impressing my coworkers or going above and beyond to 'look good' for my boss.

rather, my path leading me to my home. with my (future) children.

a dear friend of mine is preparing to lead a "mother's bible study" this fall. they're reading the mission of motherhood. both this friend and my sissy have said/warned me on how the author, is quite passionate about the purpose of stay-at-home-moms. i've decided i want to read it anyway, knowing i can't yet be the stay at home mom i wanna be! and as i prepare to read this book, i can't help but think about how i used to feel, and how so many other women i know are still passionate about work and how THAT is OK! but when my excitement for work is dwindling at a most rapid rate........i know i've been called for an ulterior purpose.

a short excerpt from a review on sally clarkson's book has got me dying to get my hands on a copy: .................“Motherhood can be one of the greatest, noblest, or fullest callings a woman can have. Every day, as mothers nurture their children, they influence eternal destiny as no one else can…Today’s culture minimizes the vital importance of a mother’s role. By catching a vision of God’s original design and allowing it to shape their lives, mothers can rediscover the joy and fulfillment built into the strategic role to which God has called them; for a purpose far greater than they can imagine…Using practical examples, personal anecdotes, a challenging vision, and sound scriptural support, Sally Clarkson upholds the traditional biblical view of God’s plan for motherhood; giving mothers exactly the support they need to persevere in cultivating and sharing their hearts for God, for their children, and for their homes.”

but. i face quite the dilemma.

i'm still employed. i still work out of the home. i'm still committed to being a school counselor for 400 children. i will only be home for 2.5 months with my baby. SOOO......i NEED some passion. i NEED some energy. i NEED some excitement to continue on. i may be feeling called to stay home with our children...........but for now, that isn't where God has me. and im struggling with finding purpose in the present.

one of the biggest areas of worry......as i begin this school year.......is my attitude and affect i will have on the staff. i want to be positive, excited, passionate. that's who i've been for them over the past 3 years, i must not let that change. bad attitudes rub off on other co-workers......i want to be a source of light for them. not the darkness. and i can't help but break into song........"this little light of mine, im gonna let it shine......." and ".....don't let satan BLOW it out, im gonna let it shine" and as i come to the satan part (ew, i don't even like typing that name) i realize, that will be my battle this year. the battle that will require the full amour of God.........i can't let my light blow out. im still a witness. im still shining for Him. regardless of where He has me for now.

can i dig deep and find the motivation?

can i find enough energy to give to work, yet reserve some for home?

can i not feel guilt when i show up just right at 8:00 in the morning because i didn't want to drop babyleif off any earlier than i had to, and when i rush off at 4:00 to get the him?

oh........i suppose i'll end here.........it will be on a good note :) because thinking about 'dropping off and picking up the baby' reminded me of some crazy RAD HAPPY news i have to share with you. i'll share it tomorrow.

but just know that prayers have been ANSWERED. and in a most blessed way :)

sitting here in my...

...bra and undies.

because i just came in from soakin up the sun on my deck.
because i needed to study and finally had a somewhat clear mind to do so.
(unfortunately its the day before the test)
(unfortunately this is the first time i've had a clear mind in 2 weeks)
(so, subsequently, the first time i've 'really' studied)

oh the bra and undies?

well, to put a positive twist on things..........

it's GREAT that it would cost $4000 to do a proper tree trimming

in our backyard. so we are keepin the trees bushy. realllll bushy!

it's GREAT that i can lay out on my deck. in bra and undies.
.........because i dont feel like pouring myself into a swim suit
(no, no, no, i dont have a maternity one yet. ugh)

the view from my deck. like 4 seconds ago.

so.
while i was out on my deck. bra n' undies style, studyin.
i thought.
hmmmmm
how will i explain our dr. appointment today.

mr leif and i had a quick lunch together after it to which i asked him that same question.
"how should i tell people, this is really confusing, even to us?"
"how will i even explain it?"

so we talked about it a bit.

and here is my best shot and putting confused thoughts into words
(something that normally is quite easy for me, and now...isn't)

today eased our minds.
the perinatologists was quite blunt
and he called our baby 'the kid'
but other then that, we left feeling better instead of worse

through this pregnancy, we have definitely found out quickly that in the medical field, there are many, many times when they just can't give you a guarantee.
but rather
it's a waiting game. it's a statistic.
you know......there is always that "1 in ____ chance."

so with our little babe.
there is infact, a 1 in something chance that there will be some
abnormalities.
(i hate that word by the way)

but we aren't even going to discuss nor dwell on the the chance. the statistic.

because life isn't about statistics.
its about WHO has it all planned out, already.

there really are no chances, cuz He knows, and thank goodness.

i've come to the conclusion, already, that mr leif and i
would be perfect parents to a baby with downs.
with his compassion, selflessness, and ability to care for others
and my passion, energy, and eagerness to learn
we would make the perfect team.

if that is what God has in store for us?
then we will work to glorifiy him through that journey.
if not?
we will rejoice in the fact that we didn't spend the rest of our pregnancy worrying.
but, that we were ready to embrace what God had planned.

and, so many MANY people notice things on their scans, and so many, MANY times it turns up to be nothin! so we aren't too worried :)

i feel quite free right now. not to say that won't change or i won't get a bit whimpy.
but for now. i'm good.
we're good.

and besides........ i think we are "in for it", regardless.
because the doc said over and OVER again how the baby is
"so quick! and so agile!"
(and thats exactly what the lady said 2 weeks ago.)
so
i better get me some new tennies......looks like this one is comin out runnin!!!

can't wait to meet my quick, little yoga baby!!

and ps.
the perfect song came on the radio after our appointent.....
the lyrics were:
"every knee will bow, every tongue confess........."

mr leif and i got all giddy just thinkin about that day.
how mini mr leif will be bowin too, right there next to us
and so will our other 5 kids.
(mr leif wants 6)
(i haven't quite decided if im jumpin on that band waggon.......)

someday...

...i'll be out cruizin in my ride.

just like the momma was in this cute little bee-em-doubya.

her son was driving.

he looked like he was 13.

both hands fiercely gripping the wheel. at 10 and 2.

totally going the speed limit.

with the look of 'oh crap, this is scary' on his face.

yep.

someday. that'll be me :) (the son AND the car) hehe

(i typically dont drive and take pics with my celly at the same time. this was a very rare occasion. just so ya know....)

AND

check out this post from cole. its amazing.

the whopper.....

........am i ready for it?

when you're pregnant, there are the very obvious physical symptoms.
most of them you hear about years before you are even ready to be a mom.

but. you rarely hear about the emotional and psychological symptoms.
and i think those might have just as much, if not more, of an affect.

maybe becoming a counselor has caused me to over-analyze, over-think, and look deeply into most day to day situations. maybe that's whats going on.
whatever it is, i've been hit by the emotional/psychological pregnancy symptom truck.
its a big truck. and smack. it just t-boned me.

these aren't like mean wife/mean friend/mean coworker emotions.
no,
they are more like.......a sadness. a sadness that most people wouldn't see by looking at me.
i'm quite smiley and energetic these days, specially since my sickiness is gonzo :)

its inside, and its deep down.

i feel like i am mourning the end to the relationship that exists between mr leif and i.
i feel like what we have now, is going to be gone.
and it will come back.......when we are like 50, but it will be different. way different then now.

when you are with someone. just the two of you, for a long period of time, things get comfortable. and you begin to take that comfortableness for granted.

when we are lazy.

when we fall on the floor from laughter.

when we drive around for 30 minutes cuz we are bored and want to go scope out mansions that we will never own while stuffing our faces with ice cream.

when we watch naughty shows (ex:cougar town and kendra) and dont have to worry about little ears in the other room ;)

when we make fruit pizzas and eat them out of the pan.

heck, when we make any sort of dessert, and eat it straight out the pan. not even cutting rows.

when we make a list of the 39 things we need to do on a saturday, but then say 'screw it' and take naps and watch movies. even if the weather is nice for yard work. even if the house is a pit and screaming to be cleaned.

i just don't know if i am ready to say goodbye to those things.
i know. i know. all you amazing mothers out there are going to now think, and then say,
"oh, but when the baby comes you wouldn't have it any other way, its the most amazing feeling ever!!!"
and i know it will be. i don't doubt that one bit.
in fact, i am super de duper excited for it!!!!
but.
i haven't experienced it yet.
and because of this missing experience, im sad about losing what we have.

life is so weird, huh?
we go through stage after stage.
we think we are truly in the thick of it at 16 years old trying to study for a chemistry exam (oh wait, i didn't really do homework in high school, whoops) or at 18 when cramming for your first college final. or when you are trying to plan a wedding, or when you are going to interview for your first job. but those are all just practice for the big whoppers.
the big whoppers that come with being a mom.

my family is easy right now. its just mr. leif. and me.
in fact, its the easiest thing i do.
its not hard like school, not busy like work, not annoying like the guilt i feel when i don't work out.
to live as husband and wife is blissfully simple.
until the kid(s) come.

am i ready to experience minimal date nights?
hardly any time to talk, just me and him?
the simple ways of living on the fly, cuz there's no 'little life' that we are fully committed to?
stopping by tjmaxx for 10 minutes, but end up staying there for over an hour??

humph. i know its coming. and soon.

i'm trying to mentally and spiritually prepare.

its gonna be a whopper of change.

its gonna be the biggest whopper i've experience so far.

but.
until i am smacked in the face with the new life of a being a mom.
i'll soak up the fun stuff.
and i'll prepare for october.
and i'll pray.
that always helps too ;)

16 weeks.

i'm 16 weeks today. yay :)

last night i ran a 5K.......

..........in my dream.

no, seriously. like start to finish.

i even remember thinking,
"man i'm tired, but my butt is burning, and maybe its getting firmer, so i am going to push through it til the end"

at one time, i was running next to a girl i know (who's an avid exerciser) and i thought
"oh, im not gonna let her beat me" - so i kicked it in high gear.

when i was finished, i thought
"wow! this wasn't that bad, the whole running while pregnant thing, i need to do it more!"

then i woke up.
and realized, i didn't actually run.

hmmmmmmmm, was this crazy dream because my butt has grown just as much as my stomache? and it buggs me?
probably so.

seriously, i will never need a booty pop. mine is and always has been poppin. and i would like to give some of it away to help others pop theirs.

rather, i need this, well not right now cuz my belly is not gonna fit, but later, after im done with preg, when i still have my booty. POP!

and because i really need a laugh today, its only thursday, and i need it to be friday.......

should i get one of these for the babe and i??

i think mr. leif could totally sport it too?!?!

ps.

click here to view my school, washington elementary getting a visit from the KC Chief's D-Line.

if you watch closely, around minute 2:00, you can see me (aqua sweater and navy skirt), behind the kid who's jumproping, in the upper right corner of the video.

you can only see me for a brief moment but you will know its me cuz i start doin some gangsta dance while rappin to ludacris. cuz i wanted da brothas from da chiefs to know that mrs. leif knows whats up. that im all fly n stuff. yo yo yo........wussssssssup!!!!!!?

and mr. pence, our amazing pe teacher, and a fellow believer (its great to work with christians!!!) gets to speak on the video! go matt!!! (ps, i may or may not be trying to hook mr. leif and mr. pence up as friends, i think they would totally hit it off, and they've hung out a couple times so far, yayayay!!! - and mr. pence's fiancee is this cute little blonde that is fun, and is also a believer, and she likes wine. HELLO!!!! we totally need to be friends)

we've actually been in the news alot. for our annual Science Night and cuz we be sendin kids to Space Camp !!! its great to be workin at 'the WASH'...........but it does require lots of energy, whoooooooofta!

some news :)

with a title like that,

your guess is probably right on.

yes, yes my dear sweet friends.....we're having a baby :)

{cue:tears of joy}

however, i'm sharing this {probably way to} early, because i'm asking for prayers.

...

mr. leif and i were rejoicing a couple weeks ago.

rejoicing because we found out we're pregnant. it was a friday evening. i was craving a glass of wine, as was mr. leif, but because of womanly circumstances that hadn't taken place.....we thought i should take a pregnancy test, just in case, before we opened our wine ;) well.........YIKES, it said pregnant. we freaked with excitement. last weekend was a lovely weekend.

last tuesday, i saw my dr. who confirmed the pregnancy and put me at 7 weeks and a few days, making my due date september 28! wowza!

but......with sudden signs of miscarriage on thursday, i went in for an early ultrasound friday, 3 days ago.

no heartbeat.
at 7 weeks, there should have been a heartbeat.

the rather rude ultrasound lady concluded that there is a small chance i am just not at 7 weeks yet, but instead 4-5 weeks. but with the signs of miscarraige, we need to come in soon for another ultrasound, to see what's going on.

so, a week later, this friday, we go back. that is just weird. a week later. seriously?

what? i have to wait a week until we can check again?
how am i supposed to go about my life?

am i still supposed to be excited about my baby?
how can i not worry about the dreadful news i might hear?
am i supposed to be worried that there is no longer a baby?
how do i know if this is a version of morning sickness...or the feeling of miscarriage?
am i supposed to think positively?
why have i been so focused on the negative?
am i supposed to try and figure out a solution?
why can't i fix this problem?

i know the answer those questions.
so i'll wait.
i'll wait to see what His plan is, and i'll pray. i'll pray that His plan and my plan match up.
and if they don't, i will cry and listen to music with my eyes closed. a lot. and then i'll pray in thankfulness that His plan is better than my plan.

i've never wished my weekend to go so fast, ever. but i wished for it to fly by so mr. leif can come back next thursday night and we can await our appointment friday morning.

i write all of this, as i think to myself ....why, in the world, are you sharing this with your readers....it's sort of weird and too early to share??? but it's not for me. i like to share with the people i love. it's who i am. i don't keep things in. i share. and i am sharing now because i am asking for your prayers. in the 'old days' this whole situation would have been a secret. a secret between mr. leif and i. but for me, it's healthy to unload things into others' ears. and right now, it's easiest to do it writing in this blog.

and more thanks. thanks for praying for us, and for our week to fly by. i just want to know if i need to move on, or if i can still dream of my summer being a beached whale by the pool :)

......please pray for the latter option :)

ok. ok. no more pouting around. i can't stand this. it's a holiday and we didn't have school today.
normally i would be creating something for my house, rearranging, cleaning, or organizing.... so. even though i have spent the first 4 good hours of this day on the couch, eating a cinnamon roll, pouting............i'm getting up to do something productive :)

last night...

i watched one tree hill at 10:00 last night. i dvr'd it, so i could catch it later when i had time. it was my attempt to prove to myself that i still live a normal life....
........one where i can sit down on the couch and disengage from work or school
........one where i can enjoy a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup
........one where i can live vicariously through haley and and nathan scott, whose only problems are that haley's sister has moved in....which in my life would be a glorious celebration.
unfortunately, I watched one tree hill just like i do everything else, in fast forward. yes, I fast forwarded (is that a word?) through the commercials, but also through parts that seemed unimportant to the plot....i was in a hurry....in hurry to get back to my homework......in fact when the show was over, it was almost a relief. it was as if i could check off "relax" on my list of things to do......yet i didn't relax........ you can go ahead and laugh at me now, i am a mess:) a hot mess

girl, put your planner down...

a dear, sweet, long distance friend of mine said some magical words to me a couple nights ago...
"girl, put your planner down!"

you see, she could distinctly remember many monday afternoons while we were in college, when i was already asking her what we should do that weekend.
yep, only hours after the previous weekend had ended, i was already wanting to plan our next social endeavors for the coming weekend.


you might be asking how we stumbled upon talking about me needing to put my planner down....or you might not be, but i intend to explain anyways.

you see, (that's the second time i've said you see, whuuup there's the third!) i was doing my usual rambling. i ramble when i get the loaded question of, "so how's everything going?" somehow, that question prompts me to spill my ever-so-long-never-ending list of life goals/plans.

so....... i unloaded. i spilled that i am sick of grad school, and getting bored with my job, well not really bored, just overwhelmed with being the school counselor for 450+ students and trying to please all the teachers too, that i miss mr. leif, but that may will be here before we know it and he will be back home, that i plan to finish this degree by next december, that i want to somehow make it my goal to visit each of my students' houses next year because you learn so much about a child from how their family conducts their home, and that i want to visit my sis again, and ... and ... and ... somewhere she blurted out, "girl, put your planner down!"

say what???

she kindly and lovingly explained herself, and, in a nut shell, she pretty much told me to start being and stop doing. just live in the moment a little more....
i love it, and i love her.

ps......i may or may not have made a list tonight and got my planner out 3 times.
but. you gotta start somewhere right?!!!?

randomness.....

after saving and saving...this weekend, we got a new camera! yay.

mr. leif and i did a little photo shoot in our kitchen, even though i have no clue how to really use it yet. i will learn though :)

oh, and yummidy yum yum

i had this for dinner tonight. best dinner in a while :)

tonight,

there was a cat (not ours because i'm scared of cats, and strongly dislike them) stuck in the loft of our garage. not sure how it got up there. and it really freaked me out. i was too scared to crawl after it. it was making freaky meow noises, ones that might create a nightmare. i just left the garage door, open for an hour,hoping somehow it would make the 10 ft. plunge down and land on its feet (right?) and then dash out of the garage. i haven't heard the wacko meows for a while, so i think it finally figured out a plan of escape. i hope. otherwise that sucker is going to have to wait until mr. leif gets back.......which is not for a while.

tonight,

i am hoping for a snow day tomorrow. i would like that, a lot. i need to finish a final for one masters class and then do my final project for the other masters class. a snow day would be nice. maybe i would get those two things done, and clean my house? snow day? yes please. oh well, at least i don't have to clean the toilets. mr. leif did that this weekend.

i love him.

tonight,

i am watching one tree hill and gossip girl. because i am bored. because i did 2 out of 6 essay questions and that was my goal. because i don't really want to do anything else but be curled up on the couch, while wishing for a snow day.

tonight,

i am so thankful for my husband. when i think of him i smile. i love thinking about him, and more recently, deeply praying for him. it has been the most remarkable feeling, praying for him. through prayer, and lifting him up to God, i feel strangely closer to him during the week. it is so cool.

peace

xoxo

linds