a new chapter.

my life of as a working mom has ended.

........... let me take you back a few days. after a pretty scary incident with roman's current child care situation, after realizing that this was roman's 4th child care provider in 2 months i broke down. i'm emotionally exhausted. with going through 4 child care providers, comes countless phone interviews, emails, home visits, etc.... i couldn't bring myself to interviewing more strangers. more strangers who would be watching my baby. i couldn't bring myself to dropping roman off at a new place once more. i'm tired. SO very tired of it. with each day care situation that failed, a layer of momma guilt was ripped open. i felt helpless and exhausted. i was done. but this time, my breakdown was quick. and it came to us, like a huge neon sign hanging right in front of mr leif and i. the message was clear. its time to stay home and raise roman. ME. HIS momma. it's MY turn. it's so interesting how the Lord uses situations for His glory... in the midst of it, you feel like walls are caving in, like you can't breathe, like you're drowning.... but when the tide goes out, when your lungs fill back up with air, and when the walls push back out.....you realize what you need to do next. as i reflect back to last spring, when i was a new mom, when i was going to night class, when i was working out of the home, when i was a sleep deprived mess. {yikes} i realized how unhappy i was. and how unnatural my roles felt. the rollercoaster of working mom has been going up and down and up and down. and i'm ready to get off. mr. leif has asked me to get off. so now what? we are taking a leap of faith. financially, oh yes. but you know what's amazing? you know what puts the biggest smile on my face? is the excitement i feel. mr leif said it best........"i'm sort of excited to take this on, we can do it!" it's like the gun has just gone off for our first marathon. have we got nerves? oh yes. have we got doubts? oh yes. have we got weird stomach feelings? oh yes. but we laced up our shoes, we've got a WHOLE crowd of supporters cheering us on, and we've got a purpose in our race. we're in a place where we have been craving a challenge. something to get us to recommit. spiritually and relationally. this couldn't have come at a better time. today, as i drove away from school, the weight from my shoulders that slowly disappeared was indescribeable. was i sobbing at the thought of all i would miss? YES yes YES. as i think about the process of me leaving work. a loss of friendships, relationships, of countless emails a day, the love of children, of hearing "hi mrs leif!".........this mourning process will take a very long time. and even now when i think about what and who i am walking away from? i second guess myself. but it's ok. that's only human. as soon as i look at my other options, i'm reassured that my priorities are 1) wife, 2) mother, and then employee. and right now? my duties as wife and mother are calling SO very hard. and i've answered, with a resounding YES yes yes. i know, i know, those of you who already stay home with your children are probably thinking, "oh she has no idea what she is getting into, yes it is amazing to be home with our babies, but it's not all puppies and flowers and glitter, it's hard." and i know that. but i know that i can always regret not staying home with my children, but i won't ever regret staying home with them. a friend wrote to me last night, "You make little cuts here, little cuts there, stretch your hair color out a little,"just look" at Anthro, go on day trips instead of Carribean vacays, and count your blessings." (hi julie!!!!) will i miss this? oh boy, yes. will i miss them? most definitely. will my heart ache when i think about certain kiddos throughout the year? yes sir. will i have days of doubt? probably. but i know i will look back on this season of life and remember the relationships i made, the hearts i touched, and the hugs i gave. i know the Lord will use me again outside of the home some day. but in this phase? in this season? i'm finally right where i need to be. i'm going to take my shoes off and stay awhile. heck i will probably take my make up off too. and my dress pants. i'm going to slip on something comfy, i'm ready to be a STAY AT HOME MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what a mighty GOD we serve. amen?

i did it.

i quit my job.

i've got a nice litte (ahemmmm....long....) post planned for tomorrow........i'll tell you all about it.........

but for now? mr leif just got home with a bottle of wine.

so, it's time to celebrate.

(i'm seriously so happy i could pee my pants.)

{but i'm also freaking out......what? i love my job?!!!!}

pretty cool playhouse, folks.

THIS!

it's a playhouse.

and you can buy it.

and it only takes 10 minutes to set up.

and 5 to tear down.

and it's made out of recyclable materials.

and

and

and

just look at it!
playhouse does not come with completely adorable little girl, sorry.
well, AND?

julie, the wife of this most radical husband-wife duo?

well, SHE'S from sutton.

and that's my hometown.

1200 people in that town.

yep.

so GO!

support their entrepreneurship.

GO NOW!

chocolate chips and dry shampoo.

it's what i'm into these days.

no joke.

but that's not all........

currently, i am:

...at the park with the romanator as much as possible.

...excited to see all of these people (plus more family...yes there's more!!!) this weekend, at a wedding.....oh boy!

...hoping we have time to stop at the omaha zoo

...excited to stay with dear friends ryan and katie tonight!!!

...loving my days off with roman. why do i still want to eat him up daily. he's so scrumptious.

...mailing out his FIRST BIRTHDAY INVITES today. oh my.

...trying to remember the last time we mowed our lawn. uh oh.

...dreading blow drying my hair in about 5 minutes. i hate that it takes forever.

...but loving that i only have to pack some dry shampoo and my hair will be good to go for the whole weekend. thank you sister. thank you tigi.

...eating handfuls of chocolate chips

adios.

he's afraid of the vacuum, by the way.

did i tell you roman is deathly afraid of the vacuum?

he is.
we're talkin, cling to momma, crawl quickly the other direction if you see a vacuum, and give vacuum a look of terrifying fear.......
no, i don't torture him by vacuuming while he is in the sling.....

i just tried it. once. and he freaked.

so i quickly set the self timer and tried to capture this memory in photo.

i know he'll grow out of the vacuum terror soon.....but for now?

i like it.

one more reason to get a squeezing snuggle from my baby, and i know.....all too quickly, those will fade......he'll grow up. (no!!!!!!!!!)

happy weekend :)

we are capable.

after mr leif spent a week working in wichita......

our dear friends, mitch and carrie - the newlyweds, came to visit for the weekend.

and obviously, we had a blast.

gojo's is now becoming "our spot"

dance parties in the living room, will be "our thing"

and i guess we'll add

"smacking bees" to the list now too........

yikes....major flash cell phone pic.

we even took the romester shopping....but mr leif wouldn't let him get these new kicks.

"pleeeeeeease dad?!?!"

"no, son"

jk. but really.....i'm not too into these anyways, we just thought we'd try them on for kicks and giggles.

more like kicks, roman tried his very best to kick them off.

no mi gusta shoes.

and then, it was with very scary abrupt news we found out the my little (yet bigger and taller than me) brother was headed to the hospital in an ambulance.......straight from his rugby game.

roman and i hoped into the car with mitch and carrie, they were headed home to lincoln on sunday, so we joined them, as that is where my brother was.........

we gave uncle donavan lots of love, after his surgery.....

turns out, his cheek bone was crushed, and was now replaced with a metal plate.

which is rather good news compared to the types of injury we thought he had at first.....

donavan doesn't even remember holding roman....hmmmm...meds.

but with our impromptu trip home,

came a lovely visit with cousin charlotte.

and we also got to work on our toddler anxiety :)

thanks for the jamiaca tank, aunt liza!

and soon enough we were headed back to KC....
but, it was just in time to see daddy off on his 7 day fishing trip to canada!!!

no no little roman, that's mommy's wine :)

our {third week} without daddy started off great. we made it to church only ten minutes late. roman did fabulous in the nursery. and sunday night, my little man took me on a date to noodles and company yep, that's right, we shared some mac and cheese on the plaza, gazing into the windows of my favorite place. then momma stopped off to rent a few chick flicks.....and soak up some last minute "stay at home mom" time with my son. because, this week, i was back to work. this week, we would start a new babysitter coming into our home. and this week mr leif was gone (oh i already mentioned that) i was very nervous for. so many new things, changes, without daddy around. so the week began 'ok', as good as it can having to return to work and leave my baby, sniff. sniff. but all too quickly a tree landed on our house in the middle of the day. broad sunlight folks. BAM! crash. boom. i thought a car drove into our house. nope. a tree. so i got to play phone tag with insurance companies :)

and then later in the week, my car got smacked in the parking lot of trader joes.

well, smack me silly, it was a crazy week!

more insurance phone tag. lucky me :)

but i'll end this on an ever so good note:

pudgy legs stuffed into cute little grey toms.

(and daddy's home! safe and sound!!!)

totally delicious.

when did all of this happen?

roman, you've just turned 11 months old.

so when did you learn how to do so many things?

how did you get so big?

how did you get so old?

how did you get so smart?

you have favorite books..... how did you start remembering certain books already?

you know on page 3 of LALALA to turn around, look at momma, and start saying, "lalalalalalalal!"

how did you learn that?

you know how to point, with your wittle pudgy pointer, to every single round window on each page.......how did you know to do that?

you make silly faces when i get the camera out.

you can stand up? hold me. when did you get so big?

you can turn around, and stand up in your stroller. while we push it. when did you become such a daredevil? and now you even let go, trying to balance, while standing, while we push the stroller. snap me back into reality here, folks.

you rock the peek-a-boo. with a mad giggle each time. so, you're big now, huh?

you play grocery store. in my kitchen. because you can stand, and pull out all the shelves, and the food, and.....and.....and...... but when did all of this happen? when did you grow up? how did you learn all of these things? oh boy. next month you turn one. inhale. exhale.

on being grateful.

we struggled for over a month trying to find childcare......

and pre-mom lindsey would have shrugged her shoulders at that issue, thinking these types of thoughts:

.....it's not that big of a deal, people deal with way worse.

.....just call around.

.....just go visit some places.

.....just ask some friends.

.....your child will be fine.

.....if he's not fine, after a week or so, he'll be used to it.

but momma lindsey? notsomuch.

it's different when you're a mom.

everything is different.

the change is indescribable.

we heart bath time.

the thought of finding someone else to watch your baby. the way you care for him???

it seems impossible, and it's a wearing topic to have on your mind for days upon days.

but i surrendered.

i had no other ideas,

i had searched high and low,

i had come to a place where tears were flowing, while i sat on the kitchen floor, contemplating....

am i a horrible mom for working, anyways?

am i a horrible mom for paying someone else to help raise my child?

am i just a horrible mom and God is trying to tell me i'm doing the wrong thing??

i know, i know...

looking back, those thoughts seem so irrational. but at the time?

it's what was flowin'

but God is good.

and God is faithful.

and when we surrender, He steps right in.

seriously, love him. ahhhh, it kills me.

Roman had his first week with his new babysitter, and it went OK. not great....but OK.

and that's OK.

the first day was horrible. and, hearing the words, "he was inconsolable" tore at my heart.

but after the second day and hearing, "he did great!!" ......it was like music to my ears.

his third and final day of the week was mediocre. which i accepted willingly.

i know he'll have bad days,

but he will have great ones too.

we all do.

and so it's time.

time to be grateful.

smoochy. smoochy. smooch.

i read this tonight:

What if you woke up today with only the things you thanked God for yesterday?

i know, did it give you a sick feeling in your tummy?

me too.

and so, i must say goodnight for now, because i'm off to give a prayer of thankfulness,

and you betcha it's gonna be a l.o.n.g. one........

i've been blessed with more than i deserve, and it's time i raise my head up above the fog and smile.

and be thankful.