besties.

"mom!!! me and dad are hangin out, go away!!!"
"but romes, i wanna play too!"

"mom, sorry, but we're havin a guys only time"
"ok, fine, but at least let me get the camera a take a few snaps!"

"alright, i'll give you a few smiles then!"
"oh you so cute! you little squiggly thing!!!"
"ahhhhhh - get that flash outta here lindsey, it's blinding me!!!" (mr. leif)

"ok, dad, what are we gonna do with mom, and that darn camera!?!!!"

"i don't know romes. i guess we'll have to just put up with it. there's no stoppin'er"

"ha, HA! i caught you two again!"

"ok mom, for real, i just woke up. now get that camera outta here!!"

"dad's workin and i'm watchin the game, can't you go eat a rootbeer float or something??!"

"yes, romes, i'll leave you two alone now!!"

be still.

he lays on my lap.
.....i've just retieved him from his crib
.....he was fighting a much needed nap
....i think to myself, he's only my baby roman for so long
.....there's nothing wrong with cuddling him, and nursing him to sleep, the way he seems to like it, these days.

i have him swaddled up.
......i know i need to be weening him from the swaddle
.....he needs to start sleeping without it
.....but he loves it. it calms him. it helps him settle in, snuggle in, and rest.

i put some music on from this blog.
.....it's calming and soothing
....he slowly drifts off
.....waking briefly, to eat a bit more, then off he drifts again.

i kiss his cheeks.
.....his forehead
...his lips
.....his cheeks again.

i think about how much he has grown.
.....about how time is flying
....about his birth story
......about his daddy
....about my day, home from work, enjoying my baby.

i look around.
...i see a messy room
.....i see blankets to fold
...i see a diaper to throw away
....i see my baby, sleeping on my lap.

i glance to the left and see the mirror.
....i see a mom
...i see messy hair and day-old makeup
.....i see white skin needing some sun
...i see a bigger size than i once was
.....i feel ugly
...but then i look beyond, i force myself to.
....i try not to compare myself to how i used to look
...i try not to compare myself to others
.....i try not to compare myself to the standards around me, skinny....tan...perfect smile....

i smile.
.....i'm a mom now
...i don't need to look all glam
.....i need to be who mr leif wants me to be.

happy is all he asks for.
....and i am.
happy that i have a sleeping baby on my lap.
happy that he still thinks i'm beautiful.
happy that i have a day home, from work, to be a mom.

i feel peace.
...not from anything around me
.....not from anything i've done
....but from Him.

"I am leaving you with a gift -
peace of mind and heart.
And the peace I give
is a gift the world cannot give."
John 14:27.

oh look.........the sun is shining in.
ahhhhhh, the sun. it brings so many promises.

yogie yogie, frozen yogie.

we have a new frozen yogurt shop just BLOCKS from our house.
so, we aren't gonna just sit on our bums and dream about it.
no way. no way.
we're goin on a walk.
him. me. and the babe.
headin' out to get us some yogie.

hello romedizzle, snoop-romy-rizzle.

ummy yummy yumz.

no romes. you can't have any.
even if you make cute faces like that.
this is just for grown ups.
sorry.

ps.
i'm rather excited about our food joints around our house.
just a few blocks away, we now have this yogie place, a new da'bronx pizza, and a runza!!!!! and crap, they're all just across the street from hobby lobby.........so i guess when romes and i are walking to get our snacks this summer, we might just be browsin the hob lob as well. hello craft fund - thou wilt be wiped out. and soon.

the cutest little blanket.....EVER.

so, there's this really sweet childhood friend of mine, and.....
she sent romes a little gift.

although, his momma loves it SO much, that it is really more of a gift for her.

isn't this the CUTEST

blanket,

EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

look. there's even a little "r" for roman, carved into the tree.

thanks sweet talia.
i'm in love.
such a beautiful gift, from QUITE the beautiful girl.
we love you!

rollin'

hello blog friends!
have i been absent for a week? oh my, i have!
well, time flies when you're havin fun........and when you spend a week back home in nebraska!
yep, it was my spring break - so i headed north.
yuck, north? who heads north for a spring break??
isn't spring break supposed to be a 'head south' sort of deal??? south padre?? florida?? cabo??
not anymore.
not for this momma.
i guess when you get old things change :)

i'll be back later this week to talk about my beautiful week at home.
but for now,
i'm rollin' out. it's the start of my workweek - and i'm attacking this week like rambo.
like a ninja.
a la jackie chan. "hiiiiiii-YAH!!!!!"
i'm gonna karate chop this week in half. i'm dominating it. day by day, by day, by day (meet the parents?? greg's prayer?? do ya read me, folks??).

...

wanna know who else is rollin'?
romediggity.
romedoubt.


...

9 weeks people.
9 WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (you know, until SCHOOLS out for the SUMMA!!!!!)

deckin' it.

methinks we'll be hangin' on the deck all.summer.long.
(well.......before and after our daily trip to the pool, duh!!!)

hello guys.

silly head.

squiggle butt.

gooochy goooochy goooochy gooooooooooooooooo

happy monday sweet friends, happy monday.

i heart daddy.

as a new momma, i was so careful to be gentle with you my dear romes.
careful to gently change your diaper.
careful to slowly get you dressed.
careful to softly dry you off from your bath.
careful to cuddle you up in soft blankets.
and, well, it was a bit of a 'bite your tongue' moment when i saw your daddy do those same things......in his 'own way'.
i wanted to tell him to be careful with you. to be gentle. to go slow.
but he has his own way, and you love his way.

he totes you around on his shoulder, as you explore the world together.

he's your dad. your his son.
you have your tough and rough bond,
but you still cuddle up on him like he's your giant pillow.

it's a beautiful relationship.
you are so content to be attached to him as he goes around the house.
little romes, when you look at me, your eyes speak love, tenderness, and a weakness that says,
"hold me momma, love me, and cuddle me."
but when you look at your father your eyes are different.
it's a look of respect, you're in aw of your dad, you think he's the greatest thing ever.
you're eyes say, "wow, that's my dad"

you love your daddy little romes.
yes you do.

rough he may be, but you love him like crazy.

ps. happy 5 months romedog!
i'll do a proper monthly update later this week :)

snarf that cereal romedog.

(singing to the tune from mary poppins: spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.....)

readyyyyyy?
OK!

just 4 teaspoons of momma's milk helps the cereal go down.....

the cereal go down-wown,

cereal go down.

just four teaspoons of momma's milk helps the cereal go down.......

in

the

most

delightful

way!

i'm giving myself life homework.

but before i begin, thank you for the comments, messages, and texts (even from cali-forn-IA, wink*)........and like molly mentioned, whats up with da funks? i'm not sure. but, we're called to bear each other's burdens, and you've helped me by listening, praying, and validating that i'm not the only crazy lady in this world. :)
well, yesterday i wokeded up feeling great. the Lord filled me with peace while i slept.
even though the day was long, and i didn't seem my romeo until 9pm, i made it through..........even if it meant pumping while driving to my night class and then having a brief freak out moment when i realized i was sitting next to a semi truck at a stop light. but, that's where i am in life right now. balancing lot's of stuff.

i've come to the conclusion, that i hit a low, really low, and now it's time to crawl back sanity again. crawl back to a place where i feel competent. a place where i can breathe. a place where i can cross things off my to-do list like no other.

strangely, dumping out those thoughts was therapeutic. however, once i reread the post, i was a bit embarassed, and wanted to delete it. but no. it's me. it's real. it's where i am/was/still am...........

anyways, please join me in celebrating the good things in life :)
i do best with plans, tasks, and lists................ so i'm giving myself homework. tonight.

this just looks yummy. it has nothing to do with this post.

homework:
I can't take another step in this game of life without complete surrender. i'm at a point where i don't feel like i will make it through the semester. so, Prayer. like, really long prayer. on-my-knees prayer.
In thankfulness for my cozy little home, i will tidy up - not crazy, but just enough to calm my 'ick, i don't like a messy house' heart
to break free from my down in the dumps thinking, i will Write down 10 things that i am happy about. scratch that...... i will paint them onto a canvas. and i will hang it in my home.
Listen to some good music, duh.
i'll write 5 random thankyou notes to friends who might need a pick me up or just a hello.

PS. roman's babysitter is sick today. gotta call just before 6am. when it rains it pours, ey? mr leif is playing daddy daycare, hehehehe!

PSS. i was wiggled.

being real.

i've had a pretty good last 10 days.
my mom and sis were here last week, so every day after work, i rushed home and didn't do anything else except hang out with them. avoided life, but focused on them.
the past few days, i've been sick. i did some laundry and checked work emails, but other than that, i avoided work and school, but focused on roman and getting healthy.

for the past 10 days, i've been good. emotionally and mentally i've been good.
i was fully present with family, with roman, with my husband.
it felt good. it felt where i needed to be.

today, upon taking my antibiotics, i suddenly became smacked upside the face with a feeling of being overwhelmed. it's like i know need to check back into life again, come back from my little 10 day vacation. back at it tomorrow, full day of work, followed by class until 9.

but why? why does focusing on my family, my son, and my husband need to be vacation? why can't i do that all the time. why do i have to be so strung all over the place that i can barely give any more or i'll fall apart.

well, that's where i am tonight. i'm so overwhelmed, feeling so stressed out, feeling so behind that i can't quite figure out how to put a step forward to keep going.

i literally want to crawl in a whole and cry. or hide in my closet. or lock the doors. and never leave. and quit work. and quit school.
i just want to be a mom. i just want to be a wife.

i know, i know.
being a stay at home mom is hard, like pull your hair out hard. but trying to juggle work, and school and a baby is breaking me, really.

roman is screaming. for some reason, this week, he decided he doesn't want to be perfect baby anymore, and he won't fall asleep. so we are trying to let him cry it out.
i'm behind in school. WAY behind at work. and not doing anything on track with stella and dot like i should be.

i wasn't going to share this.
but i just need to get it out.
i don't want to complain to anyone in person. and for some reason, typing this, and submitting it to the random blog world feels better. not sure why.

but you know the sickest part?
even though i'm behind in school, behind at work, behind with stella and dot. what's lacked most is my time with God. i pray randomly for help. but not on-my-knees pray. and i think it's time.
time to really call out for His help.
it's time with Him which i've forfeited the most.
and maybe that's why God is making me feel like i'm about to go over the edge.
maybe it's a call, to go to Him to find my rest.

the more girls i talk to lately, the more i am finding i am not alone with this feeling. is it the long winter or what? is it just adjusting to this new stage in life?
a stage with kids and work and husbands
and not just our simple college life that consisted of studying, part-time jobs and making plans for friday night

do i just need to buckle my seatbelt and get going, quit pouting, quick lagging along?

i don't know, but i'm in a place where i'm just stuck.
i'm ready to throw in the towel.

why do i need my masters anyway?
why do i have this job anyway?
can't i just quit.
can't i just quit.
i want to just quit.
what would happen if i quit?

ok.
i know i shouldn't publish this. i know it's a pittyparty post.
but i need to get it off of my chest.
and, honestly? i need some encouragement.

alright, goodnight sweet friends.....

one more weird dream.

i had another one last night, but it wasn't all flowers, candy, and butterflies.

mr leif, romes, and i were in a boat.

I'm ON A BOAT! (wasn't that a hit song last year, idk, i was in a hormonal pregnancy stage and i might have missed out on all sorts of 'whats the latest music' back then........)

anyways, we were ON A BOAT! and it was just a little paddle boat.
in some gross lake, with water that wasn't clear and no white sandy beach. (POTAC - hi sam! remember POTAC?! when we visited liza in destin?)

and all of the sudden, bad guys came.
like real bad guys, lots of them.

everyone scattered, and so we quickly paddled to shore and ran inside (some strange house/building). everyone was trying to hide and people were being captured left and right........so we hid in a closet.

mr leif was holding romes. i kept thinking, he's gonna squeal! he's gonna squeal! no!!!!!!!!!! i don't have a paci!?!??! please be quiet romedog. it's life or death here.

i looked our our peep hole (yes, there was a peep hole in our closet door) and 2 bad guys passed by our closet without opening the door. then the third one came. he opened it and
BAM!
i woke up.
in a whole pile of sweat. even my belly was sweaty. my neck, too.

dang. i JUST washed the sheets yesterday. my hair was even wet. GROSS.
i know. sorry.
i just had to share.
dang fevers.

guess i'll be washing our bedding again today.
good news, i went to the doc and i've got strep so i'm on some antibiotics, and tomorrow i should no longer be contagious, hello world!. and the good part? i don't have a fever anymore, just a throat full of razorblades!! and i'm home from work semi-functionable this time!

holla at ur girl.
ur sweatay sweatay girl.