sweet sixteen.

ahhh, sigh.......our dear little one. you're already 16 months old.

as quickly as the months pass by, even faster am i wishing time to slow down.

it was just two months ago that i last wrote about your special little life with us, at fourteen months! and as i reread that post, and the thirteen other updates before that? i truly felt an inauguration into motherhood: now i can {and will} so frequently mention, "it goes so fast...."

because it does.

and so, my little romy, i hope that either one day i print this little blog o'mine, or you click through its archives to read and remember your days as a wee one.

because these, my little love, are sweet days. sweet sweet days.

i don't quite know where to begin with this update, and i have no explanation for the sappy in-love with you mood i possess, but i suppose i will just jump right in somewhere...

we've been blessed beyond measure to have been given the opportunity for me to stay home with you each and every day.......and, it's becoming more evident each day that i'm truly fulfilling my calling in this season of life.

and, although with your ripe age of 16 months comes all sorts of new trials in our day, it also brings about a zest for life that i've never seen in you yet. if i could sip in just a small fraction of your enthusiasm, i would. i would drink it up, and never need a nap again :)
oh little romes, when i think about why your body so desperately still needs its two naps a day, it makes complete sense. when you're awake? you don't stop. matter of fact, you've pushed walking aside and prefer to run to any destination. whether it's darting across the room to grab some of your diggers and dumptrucks, or heading out the door to run an errand with momma. you run.

your love for animals, and particularly animal sounds, is busting at the seams. the moment we step outside, you pause, look around, and wait for a sound. will it be a bird? a puppy? or maybe it's not an animal and it's a choo choo! and sometimes, if we're really lucky? an emergency vehicle. those sirens. they're your cherry on top.
dear roman, you've officially entered that stage where i now consider you my sidekick. i talk to you like your just another adult in the room with me, and you usually blabber something back. i love to ask you questions, just to hear your rendition of i don't know, "idunnn NO-ooooh???". it's SO adorbs. it's been quite the adjustment for me to not have any adults around all day long, but you've filled your role as colleague quite well :) you're my friend. my bff.
independence. it can be such a strong and honored trait, yet to possess it as a toddler, it scares your momma. we walk outside the front door, and you're off. it's like you suddenly feel this freedom, this desire to escape and go off on your own. running, and usually straight for the road, like you have your own agenda. when we're outside, there's no hesitancy, there's no fear. just go, go, go.
when we do cross the street, i try to hold your hand, and it's everything you can do to try and pull away. of course, i win. but, the passion in your eyes to get to your destination is invincible. [even when your destination a stick, rock, or chunk of mud....yay.]
ahh, your little sweet voice.

you have your regulars......

{momma, dadda, hoTTTT, dummmchaaa "dumptruck", ohmeeeal "oatmeal", uh-oh, idunnnNO,.....}

......but your wheels are spinning, i can tell.

and when i ask you, "roman say _____", you try SO hard to repeat it.

BUTtttt.... it always comes out as dummmmmchaa {which is your word for dumptruck. so i guess you're obsessed with those things}

and we love, LOVE your use of "oatmeal", you simply start saying ohhhhmeal over and over anytime you are hungry :) in fact, anytime you see food you claim, "ohhhhmeal". well, other than nanna. you know a fresh yellow banana when you see one.

and anytime you think something is pretty cool? you say with confidence, "hoooTTTTT", yes, hearing you drag on that "t" forever is soooooooooo darn cute.

but our frosting on top? you've learned to say "amen", and we couldn't be more proud :)
a while back you had such social anxiety. to leave you in the nursery, or with a babysitter, or heck, any new social new situation was so tough for you. but you're making gains little romes. you ARE! just last sunday, the nursery report was "no crying at all, just playing hard!!" -- which, was like music to my ears.


roman, you [finally] eat like a champ! and for that, i am SO thankful. the better you eat, the better i feel. it's weird. but my "atta girl, momma" comes from a child well fed. so thank you. because for a while there, i felt like i was missin' the boat. i know now that you were teething, and battling ear infections, but unsuccessful meal times were totally cutting years off of my life. i know, i know..... drama momma.
we no longer read 1,382 books a day. we're down to just about 10.

why? because your love for "play" has erupted. your trucks, your animals, your kitchen stuff, your tools? they're your besties. for reals. and momma aint complainin'....... i mean, i actually cooked dinner the other afternoon without someone begging to get up up up up up, because, well? you were busy ;)

sweet roman, we've entered the disciplining battleground.

you've learned how to say "NO!" and, even a few times you've busted out a "NO momma!"

oh, snap.

...needless to say, i'm praying more on the spot than i ever have before :)

praying for wisdom, guidance, and the words to use with you.....annnnnnnnd, i'm so thankful for grace to start new each morning {heck, after each nap!}

i'm beyond grateful for the friends i have, i've received so much help, advice, and support as we start this new chapter in parenting, this momma can't ever have enough tips!!
i'm so excited for our spring and summer, dear romy. i think about where we were a year ago? bundled stroller rides, and walks around the neighborhood. now? you're a mini explorer. i can't wait to visit our same neighborhood locations with you this time around. and deana rose farmstead? eeeeeeek, i'm not sure who will be more excited for our first trip to see the animals, me or you??!!!!
thank you LORD for this time with my child.

daily it refines me, and daily it gives me joy.
and momma's heart can't pitterpatter anymore than when she sees her boys embrace, every day around 5:45pm :) it's like a giant mixture of chocolate, red wine, new shoes, sparkles, pink lipstick, and mac n cheese, all in one feeling.

i know someday, we'll add more little ones to our family, and it won't just be me and you anymore. when that day comes, we'll be bursting at the seams excited. but for now? we're loving this season. it's most definitely a sweet one.

lunchlove.

we SO VERY MUCH love meeting daddy for lunch.

it's the perfect middle of the day delight ;)

and yesterday we had this most lovely privilege again. we kept it budget friendly AND romantic....we split a burger ;) num num. oh boy do i need an iphone. these celly pics are blurrrrrrry.

distractions.

it's always so easy to get distracted.

and for some reason, my prayer life can be the first thing to go.

while i'm keeping up with mothering, the life of a wife, friendships, and hobbies......sometimes days can go by, until i give myself a good readjustment.

and you know? it's quite ironic.

last sunday, our pastor brought up the very convicting point of how us parents desire things in our children, that we ourselves aren't producing.

lately, we've been working on prayer with romes.

the simple things, like.....

trying to get him to fold his hands,

trying to get him to say "Jesus", "thank you", and "amen",

trying to get him to stop laughing while we're praying,

you know....those kinds of things....

and then it hit me right upside the face.

how, is MY prayer life???

well, right now? it's a pile o crap.

i'll admit it, because i tend to be a bit transparent.

and you know what? it happens all the time to me.

i get distracted.

so in effort to get roman to become a prayer warrior,

i too, am working on my prayer life.

something i've found so refreshing, is to pray upon scripture.

it gives me focus, and intention.

and lately, especially with parenting, it seems i have this lingering feeling that i'm falling short. guilt, confusion.

am i doing the right thing? disciplining in the right way? phew, i could go on.

we've entered into true parenting. at sixteen months, buttons are being pushed, and limits are being tested. he's learned the word "no" and how to use it with force. and momma is scared.

i just want to do the right thing.

i want to raise a young man, who walks with the Lord, who is humble, and gentle.

and while i continue to put pressures of extreme measures upon my parenting skills, i'm continually reminded and refreshed by the grace that i'm given.

moment by moment.

perfection is not required, but rather, an acknowledgement of our weakness.

it's ok to fail, to make mistakes.

for if i didn't? there would be no need for Christ.

psalm 139.

it does something to the momma guilt i possess.

it's been the grace i need to release the pressure of perfection. it helps me breathe in confidence, and breathe out patience. i'm not alone. and, if i remember to pause, to be still? He will guide each moment of my day.

parenting is such a ride.

and, i feel like my roller coaster has just eased into the forward motion.

there's no turning back.

all day, the decisions i'm making are molding my child.

and,

just as the psalm says,

"Before a word is on my tongue, you, LORD, know it completely."

and for that, i'm so thankful.

and the pressure is released,

the weight is lifted.

i'm a momma.

and, humbly i mother.

HE knows my words, my actions, my heart.

HE knows my intentions, my passion, my prayer.

pray with me?

don't scroll through real fast,

seriously. read each word.

meditate upon it, i dare you.

Psalm 139

You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.

amen?

amen.

SO comforting to have a God that knows me THAT well.

wow.

carrots and wine.

my mother and i are dangerously alike, so when she comes to visit, we wind up having a rather good time.

this past week, she was here helping me recover from surgery, and momma didn't disappoint.

what is it about seeing another absolutely love on your child?

i was reminded of that feeling when my sister was here a few weeks ago.

and this time? it was replicated, with so much energy, by my momma.

the pitter patter of feet, roman's first and grandma's second.

the giggles from tickles, roman's laughter and grandma's too.

watching someone enjoy your child, like really enjoy him, soaking him up like the summer sun?

it's better medicine than any doc could prescribe.

and yes, that's including my bottle of hydrocodone lovelies i was given post-op.

{i like saying post-op, i feel all grey's anatomy or something}

my mom has so gracefully slipped into her role as grandma.

she brought a "church bag" full of goodies for sunday.

she brought fun crayons and big roll of paper.

she brought snacks for romes.

i giggle, because i know she spends days {weeks maybe} preparing what she'll bring to her babies when she visits them.

when my momma comes to town, it's like i'm on vacation.

not only do we eat amazing food, but we snack like we're hungry 12 year olds just getting home from school. and it's good snacks.

nibs, chocolate covered almonds, ice cream, chips n salsa, the good stuff.

but the food doesn't stop there.

no, see, because i was succumbed to the couch, momma cooked.

cream cheesy, cinnamony, sugary, bread roll ups.

chicken noodle soup.

sloppy joes, hehe.

and we ordered pizza. because we always order pizza.

{crap. i'm really hungry, can you tell??? uhhh, what are we going to do for lunch today.....}

but you know what was my favorite part?

each night, we'd have a lovely glass of red wine.

and laugh at things like the courtney on the bachelor

or the 'late-breaking news' in kansas city at 10pm.

she made me eat carrots. i was eating chocolate chips.

but all too soon, my mother the wonder woman was whisked away to denver.

my poor sister and her family have been sick for over a week, and they were feeling just that, weak.

so momma went off to rescue another child, but she left this one happy and almost healthy.

between me walking around hunched over, and roman lifting up my shirt to see my "uh-oh",

he somehow attracted a vicious cold and fever.

so we're all snuggles around these parts.

but we didn't want to forget my momma's visit.

and, even though the house is completely torn apart already............ she left us fed, with a clean house, and laundry finished.

she's quite lovely.

momma's gang.

there's something about friends who have multiple matching compartments as you.

that's what i like to call it.

i've met the sweetest group of friends these past 5 years in kansas city at our church, oak hills.

they have beautiful hearts. amazing hearts.

hearts for the Lord, and hearts for friendship.

i breathe in friendship like oxygen. so this has been so good for me.

because, we share compartments.

let me explain.

in the past, it felt like my life was SO compartmentalized.

i tried to be as involved as i could in church -- attending bible studies when i had time, volunteering for things when i found the time, but i wasn't consistent.......

i tried to be as involved as i could at work -- keeping up with coworkers, reading and researching, helping students and teachers, parents too, but i was always feeling like i wasn't doing enough.......

i tried to be as involved as i could with my classmates in my masters program -- attending study groups, appetizer gatherings to celebrate test scores, and sharing our issues {a bunch of counselors, what do you expect}.......

i tried to be as involved as i could with high school and college friends, and family -- staying in touch, keeping up, but it can be exhausting, and i never felt like i was keeping in touch enough......

and then, when i became a mom, i wanted to talk mom stuff with all of these people and speak about my faith, and being a wife, and keeping a house running........... and i always felt like i was falling short of doing the slightest bit of good in any category.

i wanted close, intimate, meaningful relationships with all of them, and there were too many.

i always felt exhausted.

there were so many compartments.

and now?

i'm SO grateful to be simplified down.

i feel like i can be intentional.

the group of mommas at our church has been a beautiful gift of GRACE for me.

they fit into all of my compartments. mommas, wives, housekeepers, and believers.

it's so good.

good to have them.

and for THAT i'm thankful.

here's a few of them at a chocolate night molly hosted in her mom's amazing porch/mini-cabin like thingy :)

now i know. it's NOT ABOUT ME. and my silly compartments.

it's not what life is all about.

the Bible doesn't tell me to seek until i find friends with matching compartments {are you sick of reading that dorky word, compartments? HA!}

in fact, we aren't called to a life of comfort at all, not here on this earth at least!!

it's not my mission to try make things all nice and simple, or easy.

but i truly believe the Lord has allowed this time of beautiful friendship for me, to help me slow down. to learn how to be still. a cleanse.

life is bound to be rocked.

but right now, in this little bit of calm, i hope to learn, and to grow.

AND???? my heart is SO happy that little roman gets to grow up with their children.

this past year, not having any family nearby has been difficult for me.

but also, this past year, i've grown so close to these girls.

i realize these people ARE my family.

sometimes our family in CHRIST is just as awesome as our other family :)

here's a couple of romy's buddies :)

we had a super bowl party, and they were whippin up some goodies for us in the kitchen!
i tried so hard to get them to all smile and sit nice, HAH!
and then roman got all crazy, and decided to push his little kitchen into his friends. AHHH.

we need to work on friendship skills.
we love them. so sweet. so sweet.

my sissy came to visit.

almost THREE weeks ago my older sister came to visit.

we wanted to plan a weekend so we could do "girl stuff" without our kiddlets.

so we decided liza would fly here [from denver] and we booked a hotel on the plaza,

we had such a great time, filled with crazy shenanigans.....
room upgrades,
breakfast room friends,
shopping,
red box rentals,
pedicures,
a movie AT the theater,
and junk food.

my heart was happy.

especially seeing her love on my baby :)

sisters are the bestest.

God is SO good to give me a little sprinkle of family time, JUST when i was needing it.

recovery.

what is it with that secret relaxation medication they pump through an iv.

it gets me every time,

spurring me to ask embarrassing questions to the lovely nurses and doctors,

or freeing myself of any limits while rambling on about random personal things.

....

anyways, i'm home, and recovering.

one pain pill at a time {yay!}.

and, one nausea pill at a time. 

my momma and mr leif have been taking wonderful care of me.

for a couple days, i looked pregnant. my tummy is swollen.

i walk around like the hunchback of notredame.

many times i wonder what day it is

my mind draws a blank when i try to recall the activities of the last few days,

it's almost like when you're "put to sleep" for a bit, your whole system is re-set,

all of my custom functions are just now running on auto.

i have custom functions.

i do.

... but anyways. the surgery went well. romes came to see me in the hospital, and it made my stomach do flip flops.

it made me wonder what it would be like, as a mother, to have your children see you so "helpless" and bedridden......so humbling. 

it felt so "out of my element" to have roman next to me, knowing i couldn't care for him.

i physically wasn't able to.

i don't want my children to think of me as invincible, perfect, or powerful.

but instead? humble, gracious, and happy.

my prayer is that they might see me as needing the grace of God just as much as they do.

humbly i accept my brokenness, and joyfully i dance in His grace. that's my motto.

i need champagne.

i would really love to make a toast.

after 4 days of constant phone calls, faxes, and emails, i no longer want to do mean things {VERY mean things} to my health insurance company.

long story short, tomorrow morning i'm having surgery.

i need a mesh patch put inside of me.

being preggo was rough on my abbs,

i now have 2 hernias,

and the holes in my abbs need fixed before i have more kids.

make sense?

thought so.

anyways.

i had a CT scan, met with a surgeon, and am having surgery all in a 2 week time frame.

you'd think my 3 nights in a row of nightmares where scary men were chasing me with knives to cut me open WOULD BE ENOUGH TRAMA to deal with the days leading up to tomorrows surgery.

but NOPE.

the cherry on top just HAD to be that my insurance company said my surgery is from a pre-existing condition and they would NOT cover it.

but there's a request for champagne, remember?!!!!

BECAUSE, they called me at 5pm and said

"from our records....yadda yadda yaaaa......i guess you just made the window by 6 days"

cheers.

i get to have surgery AND my insurance company has decided to help me out.

and in honor of my huge wave of relief, let's go down memory lane just a tad .......ah puerto rico, cheers!

what the heck do we do all day.

so glad you asked.

i don't know.

watch daytime tv and eat bon bons.

the uze.

:)

well,

we begin with brushing out teeth.
next we tell da-da buhbye!
next it's breakfast

and then we get ready for a play date, a trip the store, or the park!

{this particular day, we had a helper!!}

AND.....this photo is from two weeks ago. because, momma isn't gonna be snappin photos while we are trying to get out of the house. trust me. it's always a pleasant sight.

wow, WHAT a blessing to have a little helper? i loved it.
after our morning adventures?

it's time to talk to the grammys and grandpas.

today our media of choice was phone {while in a pot}

typically though? skype.

this way momma can get lunch ready :)
romy gets his nap on?

time to whirlwind clean! this place is a tornado by now.

and then.....

momma updates the shop!
phew. that break was just what we both needed!

after nap, we're refreshed and ready for wild game of peek-a-boo.

{and cars and trucks and books and throwing animals down the slide and playing chef.....}
and then it's our favorite time of the day.

DA-DA's home!!!!!!!!!

tonight? we played "tshhht tshhhht"

(that means squirt bottle in roman words)

chase dad!!!!!

eat dads food!!!!

yay mom gets a break!!!!!

and after bath?

jammies.

milkies.

night night!
and now mom and dad snarf up things like chocolate chips or brownies or ice cream.

because we're cool like that.

put the kid down, and get out the good stuff.

but really.

i wrote this to remember these easy days...........

life with one child is blissful. easy. and meant to be cherished.

i know someday, it will be ca-razy up in dis place.

but for now?

we're relishing in this beautiful season.

thank you LORD for motherhood.

it's truly the gift that just keeps giving.

a love affair.

someone's in love.

what is it about boys and their trucks.

and well, a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.......SO......

guess what i'm gonna do for you.

i'm gonna list every single truck name i NOW know {thanks to the 9 truck books that we read about 67,899 times a day} while i'm watching the bachelor.

because, the bachelor is so lame.

and clearly i'm bored with it. with the see-through bead gettup that one girl had on. oh my.

don't ask me why i'm watching the bachelor. lame.

ok. so where were we.....

oh yes. ME naming the truck names.

READY?

go.

digger

backhoe
excavator
dump truck
scraper
cherry picker {or maybe thats just an attachment?}
roller
paver
ATV {that one IS in his books, i promise}
emergency vehicles [covering all ambulances, police cars, and fire trucks]
car carrier
logging truck.

what?

what?

is that the last photo?

HA.

i did it.

i made it through all the photos and didn't run out of truck names.

best mom EVER?!!!!!!!!!

tuh-tuh-tuh-tuh-totally duuuuuude.