i'm goin to rio?

i was desperate. 

sometimes romes takes a small nap in the morning, & then he doesn't end up napping in the afternoon.

i know.  some of you are probably all, "whooooptydoo.  at least your kid naps."

but these days.  these long, hot, nauseas, days?  i really need that little break.

us mommas don't get weekends, or holidays off.  heck, we barely even get evenings.

so.  when they sleep?  it's my equivalent to "this shop's closed for the moment" time.

last week {or wait, maybe it was earlier this week?  i can't remember my days anymore}...anyways.

sometime in the recent past, romy and i headed out to monkey business.

it's basically like an indoor playground thing.

naturally, my child "comes alive" in environments as these.

he can run. hop. yell. climb. run. run. and run around.

and, it wasn't long until i started noticing something....

this dude's got talent.

no really.

i mean, this little baby to the left is obvi some russian child that's been training for rio2016 since birth,

but the one to the right?

he's mine.  and he can hold that pose for days.  just holding up his 33lb body wait with his arms.  nbd.

{maybe most kids can do this.  they probably all can.  but let me just shine in my momma moment}

i was a bit shocked.  a lot bit proud.  and then i cheered him on like he was about to win a medal or something.  

because, i'm just really cool like that. ha. ahem. cough. toddlers and tiaras?  oh dear, not me.

. . .

i gained my composure and we headed over to the jumpy station.

and, well, looks like we'll be having a two-event child at rio2016 

not only will romes be going in pommel horse (the picture above)

he'll also be challenging reigning champ Dong-Dong for the trampoline champion gold medal.

look.at.his.form.

...
now, all we need to do is install one of these suckers.

source

what is it about not wanting to get out of bed?

one time i wore this green maxi dress three days in a row.  it's long and basically feels like pajamas.

i could justify leaving the house in it because it's not pajamas, even though i've treated it as so.

and then also, there was the time that i had to rewash a load of laundry three times.  

because i would wash it, and then never move it to the dryer, so it just sat there.  getting musty.

august has been a difficult month for me.  for the first time in my stayathomemomma life, or really, life in general, i've had multiple days (sometimes in a row) of not wanting to get out of bed.

i walk around half awake just making sure roman doesn't destroy the house, or himself ;)

and sure, i could chalk it up to pregancy, being so sleeping, and feeling so nauseas. 

but there's something else underneath the surface of just wanting to sleep.  

it's a yucky feeling of loneliness/whats my purpose again/i don't really want to do anything....

i love being a momma, and i know full well my purpose is glorify GOD in how i raise roman, from my actions to my words to my heart.  and i tried to do all sorts of self talk, "comeon lindsey, just get moving, you can do this, think about your chief purpose".  

still. even though i knew those things. 

my flame was dim.

my fire barely lit.

i just felt sort of dark.

and when you find yourself in a place like that, you begin thinking irrational thoughts.

thoughts like, we should move.  back home.  why aren't we around our family?

thoughts like, we need a basement, or at least a fenced in backyard, or atleast a second bathroom.  i can't have a newborn in this house with wild roman.  no one will sleep.

and, thoughts like, am i depressed? what's wrong with me? can i just sleep here on the couch and trap roman in the room so he's "safe"?  

i'll clean the house right before mr leif comes home.  then he won't know how bad it's getting during the day around here.  (even though he really doesn't care if our house is clean anyways, i just didn't want to reveal my heart to him.  yet)

so i trudged on like that.

i took a trip back to nebraska.  and it was too good to be true.

so you can imagine what kind of transitional week i had coming home from that.

after seeing roman with his uncles, his gmas, his 2nd cousins, his great aunts and uncles, and the rest of our huge family all back in our tiny town?  after seeing him thrive in country, in the wide open spaces?

we came home, to KC, and i felt like our walls were caving in around us.

by wednesday of that week, i couldn't take it.

a combination of pregnancy hormones, sleeplessness, and weak emotional state led to an hour+ sob sesh.  from me, to mr leif.  poor guy.  i think he heard me ugly cry and sniff and wipe snot while basically saying the same stuff over and over again.  but he just listens so well.  and when i say, "say something! tell me something to make me feel better!"  he usually just says a few small words.  less is more.  and they are balm to my heart.  

but they're just kind of like one application chap stick.  pretty soon it's wore off and you need to reapply.  with something better.

better?  how about best: HIS word.  

His powerful healing words that are so beautifully written.  written to calm our minds, soften our hearts, and help ignite our little flames.  it feeds us.  it gives us hope.

i wrote a bit from 2 corinthians 12 the other day, but truly, this whole chunk right here has rescued me these past two weeks:

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

[my version goes something like this: we're given hard days, hard weeks, hard months, and even sometimes hard years and they make us weak and vulnerable, sad and exhausted, lonely and confused.  but we aren't supposed to end there and just mope around in those feelings.  nor are we to beg for God to stop the madness.  but instead, we can find strength, confidence, joy and rest in our heavenly father, because while we ARE weak, he is strong, so VERY strong.  in our weakness we need a savior, we need someone to rescue us.  and when we run to him, he saves us. he already saved us.  now, rest in him]

i'm still struggling with motivation in the mornings a bit.

wrapped up in blankets while romes plays on the deck at the crack of dawn.

but mostly? i'm doing lots better.  

it took honesty to myself

it took honesty to my husband

and, it took running to my savior, so he could do exactly what he does.

the name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.

proverbs 18.10

just like food gives the body energy, His word will nourish our heart.
the biggest thing i've learned from this past month(ish) is to keep my nose in His book.
why is it easy to put it off?  why can i go days without soaking it in?
it's ok though.  he picks us up, and we're alive in him.
soaked in his grace. forgiven. and given life.

yes, i struggle. sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, and sometimes really mega huge.
and i know you do too.
maybe not for days in a row.  but we all have our low moments.
[moments where we realized we just ate a whole bag of candy corn. we bought it less than 48 hours ago.]
and i want to give you hope.  and share with you how our heavenly FATHER can revive us.
i want to encourage you to seek HIS face.

now, it's time to go throw my empty bag of candy corn away.
i must hide the evidence.

the lost month of august {and the end of july}

yikes. where did august go.  and for that matter, july too?

i feel the need to blow up the blog with photos.

just a little recap.

romes has a new trick.  he can go from happy.  to very mad.  to calmed down in a matter of minutes

momma has a new trick.  just keep swimming....just keep swimming.....just keep swimming....

we would sell the house, and just live in the backyard if roman had his way

of course we would use the house money to buy more hammers and shovels  

also to buy puppies & kitties.  because roman's obsessed with both, and his momma (& daddy) are not

 [this kid loves dirt, rocks and sticks more than i love j.crew.  and i really love j.crew]

when we are inside, it gets a little cray cray up in this hizzie.

i can get him to sit calmly, and coloring for about 2 minutes.  on a good day.

and then we're usually off and running around.  burning up that energy in any way we can.

jumping on the couch {yes, i let him.  it's fun}, playing guitar, destroying the house by getting every toy out, unrolling all the paper in our paper roll instead of drawing, and playing master chef.

 

 no, really.  dude's gonna be such an awesome chef someday.  he cooks in his kitchen every single day.

and, other than the occasional frustrational outburst, when he can't get the lid to fit on the pan, causing him to throw both the lid and the pan and the fake watermelon inside the pan, all across the room?  well, other than those episodes, this kid's got talent.
watch out america.

one day, we took a trip to the union station.

it was a blast.  and free.  {except for the pizza}

kansas city is good to mommas.  lots of free stuff for the kids.

and it saves me from having to sit outside and help my child play in the dirt for 3 hours.

 lots of trains.  romes was a bit, "ohmygoodness, choo choo's!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 even a real choo choo!  i wovvvvvvvvve him.  so much.

i'm soaking up the snuggle time any time i can get it. 

because i'm not quite sure how to love another child just as much as i love the first one.

but i know my heart is just stretching, as is my belly, a little bigger :)

and as the baby grows, so will my momma heart, ready to love two just the same.

 but for now?  i'll just focus on how i'm so madly in love with this little dude.

baby#two

{9/40 weeks}

yikes. when i post it like that, it seems like this pregnancy will take forever.

30 more weeks? cray.

but obvi, as i had to already go to my calendar to even check what week i am, it will fly by for sure.

especially with the cute little distraction

it's definitely different being pregnant, when your already a momma :)

different.  not horrible.  but not the easiest either.

some days he provides the perfect distraction to not feeling well or being exhausted,

and then some days he almost adds just the amount of "toddlerness", causing me to think irrational thoughts, like "i can't do this"

but i can.

and it's gonna be rock n roll awesome.

...

roman loves momma's doctor's office.

there's some massive construction goin on down below, and he can't get enough.

i think i could actually leave him in the waiting room at the window, while i go back.

i mean, i won't. duh.

but i could. 

although, he's still attached to me almost awkwardly much, so he'd notice i was gone after 3 seconds.

...
 it seems i'm figuring out how to beat this nausea.  most days i have relapses.  but there's a light :)

mr leif, is totally winning my heart over and over again by stepping up in the food department {again}

this week i got 3 breakfasts in bed.  a muffin.  pancakes.  and a donut.  

he's a sweet one.  but the poor guy probably thinks i'm falling apart after the sob story i gave him about how hard it was to be in charge of roman from 6:30 am to 6 pm..... and that i just couldn't do it.

HA.  pregnancy makes you go a little nutz.

but really.  for a while, i didn't know how i would make it through some of those days.

now?  i'm on the up. 

i've got lots of remedies, like those little apple candies below, ginger ale, ginger chews, green apples, nausea meds, 

and, unfortunately for my butt, but fortunately for my tummy.....lots of fast food places nearby.

{why is it a burger king chicken sandwhich actually sounds good when the thought of cooking chicken for dinner makes me wanna hurl? a mystery folks}

 but really, it seems like i have this thing figured out a bit better :)

i can't allow myself to go too long without eating.

plain water is gross, i need carbonation.

i like sour stuff.

and as much as i adore pizza.

it just never sets well.

...

i'm slowly coming out of my dark cave.  out of hiding.  

because, well, it turns out if i actually get out and do something, i feel a lot better than sitting on the couch wondering how i'll make it through the day. HA.  

but really, we are SOOOOOO excited for another child :)  

this momma thing just keeps getting better and better.  

even though my pregnancy hormones cause me to have mini anxiety attacks about having 2 small children in a very small house, it's not hard to calm myself down and find gratitude.

and that's the place i find myself at right now, at 4am, because i can't sleep,

just grateful.

for my husband. for my child and another on the way. for my home.

but mostly? for jesus.  because even during the long days, the ones i am not sure i will get through?  

it's my savior that gives me this calm wave as i begin to panic.

sometimes i think we view weakness as a bad thing.  especially as mothers.

we can't be weak, our children need us. right?

i'm learning weak is ok.

2 corinthians 12.9 is telling me so :)

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."

He's powerful, when I'm weak?  sounds like a pretty awesome relationship to me.

a busy boy {21 months}

[disclosure: i wrote this about two weeks ago, but ran out of energy to post it]

[thus, romes is now 22 months]

a fact your really needed to know, i know.

...

oh roman, you're 21 months old.

i know, i know.

why am i still counting  months?

it just seems like i can't quite grasp that you'll be TWO in just a few months.

so, you see, i'm clenching my fists around each month as if the harder my grasp, the longer the month might last.  

you're now ordering your own meal.

here, at RJ's BBQ you precisely asked for hotdogs and cookies.

you're asking for BOB

{bob the builder}

for your morning cartoons.

and i think it's so cute how you sit there all snuggly, watching a show.

{and, well, let's be real, i love the extra sleep i can get as i snuggle in next to you}

 but, it's not too far into BOB, that you're up and ready to roll.

typically, you stack up all your big trucks on the coffee table about 6 times a day.

to say you have an obsession with trucks would be an understatement.

backhoes, loaders, dumptucks, semi trucks, airplanes, helicopters, ambulance, fire trucks, buses, are just a few of your favorites :)

but coming from your mouth, it sounds more like "backees, dumper, shemitruCKs, helicopy, ambuuyance, and busssssss"

did you know you colored all over my clean fresh august?
yep.  i sat down at the table, to fill in our schedule.....and then,
i step away for a moment.
and you? you created a masterpiece, right there on august.
my OCD wanted to go buy a new calendar.
because, i mean, a new month is a FRESH new page!
but then my momma heart sort of loves that i get to see your art, every time i check the calendar.
maybe i'll have you draw on september too?

it's amazing what you've started soaking up.

it seems like i can teach you something new, just one time, and you remember. what the whaaa?

your budding vocabulary is proof fo sho.

we'll do puzzles, and i'll label each piece, and then before i know it, your labeling them on your own.
you da champ, romeslice.

your attention span is nothing longer than really short, but boy......if you could last a wee bit longer,

i'd get my little teacher fingers moving and set up a little preschool sesh for ya.

oh romes.  you've become my bff.  

i'm quite certain i've never spent so much time with anyone else, in my life, ever.

from the crack of dawn until sunset, and even a few moments during the night, it's me & you, kid.

and i love it.

EVERY single day, i'm grateful i was given the opportunity to stay home and raise you.

even the when we are on trip number, outside to go dig in dirt. reeeeeeeaaally fun for momma.

i may not be doing the most perfect job,

{you still have a love affair with both paci and bottle, whoops}

{you enjoy throwing yourself down in a full body slam during a temper tantrum, eeeeeeeee}

{you sort of boycotted veggies, and i sort of give you way too many fruit snacks, yikes}

but i know even with the countless splatters of sin that find their way into our days, we're given grace.

and as a momma, i can't really imagine clinging to anything else than my savior, 

who sees my failures and matches them with a batch of compassion, forgiveness, and grace.

here we go.

i've been hiding from this blog,

for multiple reasons.

a few of them are...

a) i'm so nauseas that scrolling around on the computer makes me feel like i've just stepped off the rock-o-plane at the sutton carnival.  

and i think i've mentioned this before....me + carnival rides just don't mix.  

nor do long car rides in the back seat, windy roads, bumpy plane rides, or swinging.

i have a weak stomach.  and folks, scrolling down a computer screen about sends me sprinting to the ladies room.  euw. yuck. nothankyou.

b) how do i blog about our lifestuff,

 without mentioning the BIGGEST thing that's happened to us this past month?? 

i mean.  i tried typing multiple posts, but somehow i needed to explain why i looked like i just got hit by a bus, or why we're still in our jammies at 5 pm, or why i can't even open the fridge with out gagging.  poor romes.  dude's spent countless hours shoveling dirt from a dirt pile into buckets.  

{not really poor roman though, he think it's the coolest thing since fruit snacks, to dig in dirt} 

but really, our life has consisted of me trying to stay awake and figure out what to eat so i don't hurl.

c) all i wanna do is write about how scared/excited/nervous/overjoyed/thankful/freakedout/&overwhelmed that i'm PREGNANT! 

i'm going to have TWO little lives to try and raise up right ;)  what the what?  

this is overwhelming to me, people.  most days with romes, i'm exhausted to the max because, well, he is quite "energetic".  and now, there will be two?  yikes. so scary.  

but really? SO AMAZINGLY AWESOME!  chuckin these nerves out the window.  

bring on a family of four, all squished into our tiny house :)  

{after bribing romes with 3 pieces of chocolate and 2 fruit snacks, this was the only picture that even remotely turned out.  

photographing a wiggly toddler is typically a giant blurrrrrrrrrr, HA!}

mac n cheese for life

romes talks, like all day long {and i love it}

"outside peeeeese daddy"

"what do you say?", as mr leif opens the door and they walk out onto the deck.

"taaantuu" {thank you}, romes so glady replies.

and then what happens next melts my heart even more than the little conversation that just happened.

i get the glance, from my love. 

the one that says, with a twinkle in his eye, "did you hear what romes just said?"

the one that says, with so much love bursting forth, "that's our little boy" :)

i haven't been able to write down my thoughts for the past couple weeks, because it's all just swarming around me so fast.

first there were all of his little single words he threw out here and there.

but now? there are phrases.

little buds of dialogue, bursting forth from his mouth, begging to take part in conversation.

it happened right before my eyes.

i didn't even blink, it just happened.

words became phrases, and tomorrow we'll be chatting away like the best of friends.

it seems as if i'll keep saying it, that each stage is better than the last, but all of the sudden the stages hit speeds that are going far to quick for my momma heart.  slow down.  oh, how i wish they would slow down.

i'd be fine with just hearing "read, read"  

and, while it's music to my ears to hear "momma read?  momma read peeeease?"

it's just going so fast.

it's a beautiful thing to get the glance from mr leif

it reassures me that it's all ok.

no matter what kind of tantrum he just threw,

or no matter how many vegetables he is now on strike from eating,

he just said "outside daddy peeease"

and his tender little voice, it's like a balm to our weariness.