calm my anxious heart...

...is the name of a book written by linda dillow.

(btw......i got a new music player. and on this one, you hafta push play)

(just in case you wanted to hear a good song, or two)

hehe

it's the book that i'm reading, for a bible study i'm so graciously indulging in on wednesday nights.

after just one night........after just one chapter.........i've quickly realized it is everything and more i've been needing. it's everything and more that i've been lacking in. it's the Lord, working in me, and it's the most amazing feeling ever.

i couldn't wait to delve into chapter 2 just moments after finishing chapter 1. but when i still had to answer my questions, and memorize my verse, i decided......i'm going to stay on schedule, and just indulge in one chapter a week.

so yes. each week along with reading the chapter, we are being challenged to memorize a verse. the verse is found within the chapter :) and i'm so excited to begin memorizing. i've actually experienced quite the blessing my lifetime.......for 9 years (kindergarten through 8th grade) i was required to memorize a bible verse each week of school. you see, i went to a private/christian school growing up, and that was part of the curriculum. however, it saddens me as i've come to the realization, that i've lost so many of those verses somewhere up in my mind.......they aren't easily flowing from my lips..... but now. as an adult. i can relearn them. and they will be the treasures of my heart. golden words that will flow into the hearts of my children. (so yeah. i better get memorizing.........or the only thing that will be flowin is my rootbeer smelling breath. because, you know, i like rootbeer. and i have rootbeer floats. a lot)

back to the b-study.

calm my anxious heart. wow. just the title speaks volumes.

now is the part of the post where i wanted to link to all the anxieties i've been struggling with lately, but then i realized, i would be here til at least midnight (and its only 7:23) trying to link them all. in other words. anxiousness has consumed me lately, and its not good people.

as i look at my past. i would NEVER, yep NEVER say that i've dealt with anxiety. i've never been much of a worrier. but then, as i examined further........i realize that the Lord has blessed me with such an overflowing abundance of blessing, that i haven't been challenged to confront worry. i haven't been challenged to confront anxiety. i haven't had to. i haven't had to work towards contentment. i've been content. because the Lord has, so far, set a life before me which has been quite easy to be content with.

but now.
i am.
i am facing a battle with contentment. and i'm not winning.

however, just when i felt as if i was slowly drowning in discontentment, just when i felt like i was rounding the last curve of 300 hurdles race (which, if you haven't ran one, is brutal.......especially that last curve), the Lord swept in.

it's my intent. (notice i say intent, not plan) to post a weekly digestion of each chapter in my book. and as my heart is transformed. as it becomes content. i hope yours will too. but really.....in all seriousness........i'll pray that you, my readers, will find your contentment in him :)

ok. so that was my intro.
let's get down to business.

el chaptero uno.

paul (the author of famous books such as philippians) writes (the memory verse):

"i am not saying this because i am in need, for i have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. i know what it is to be in need, and i know what it is to have plenty. i have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or want. i can do everything through him who gives me strength. philippians 4.11-13

and

did you know he wrote that as someone who's been imprissoned. in a dark and dreary dungeon, chained to a guard. (amongst being beat, misunderstood, and deserted)

i challenge you to learn that verse. tape it your mirror. do it!

......
the thing with contentment is that its something we can learn. we have to make it a happen.

contentment is infused into us through His word. if we are in his word, we become more content. it will consume us. we'll be infused. (dillow says its like a tea bag sitting in your mug, the tea gets stronger as it seeps in)

.....
how do i find contentment when i battle with such control issues? its funny isn't it, as we look at our lives. we want control, but the amount of 'uncontrollables always out-weigh the controllables'. i laugh as i think about how i find this a fault in my life. you see.....when i work with students at school, one of my goals is to channel their focus onto the things they can control..... can they control that their parents are divorced and their mom and step mom are always fighting? no. but they can control how they handle this situation in terms of their reaction and how they get through it. sooooo.......its just funny. that i preach it. but i can't do it.

i am control hungry.
i want to find the perfect childcare.
i want to finish the year and then stay home with the baby.
i want to raise the baby doing this and that and this and that.
i want.....
i want....
i want....CONTROL!

what i've realized is that through most things i can trust god. i can surrender. BUT when he seems to be moving at too slow of a pace, then i try to step in a oragnize the situation a bit, you know, make a few phone calls, miss a few prayers, take a few things into my own hands. the author, linda dillow, has helped me realize that when i'm tweaking things 'a bit' and trying to 'help god along' that i'm developing my anxious heart. i'm basically saying, and i quote her "god you're not doing what i think needs to be done, so i'll help you out!"

JI Packer says.......contentment is accepting what God sends because we know he is good, and so it is good.

i've been trying to trust. to surrender. but i'm mixing my own strength and desire in, and its not working.

when i pray, i do ask for the lord to do his will........but deep in my heart, is where my desires resinate. asking for only his will to be done is something i pretend to do, but not really do. really, what i'm usually saying is, 'lord show me your will, your plan, for our child and who will care for him. show me your will for me in my career..........but please let your will be for me to be home. ok thanks god'.

why do we think our contentment is related to circumstances? i do it all the time.

however, i learned that true contentment is seperate from our circumstances, its a state of my heart and not of affairs.

i know i've blabbed on.......
and its been quite the helter-skelter blabbling post.........
but

i want to leave you with something quite concrete.
actually 5 things.

5 things that make up a prescription for contentment, straight from linda dillow's book:

1. never allow yourself to complain about anything - not even the weather
2. never picture yourself in any other circumstances or someplace else
3. never compare your lot with another's
4. never allow yourself to wish this or that had been otherwise
5. never dwell on tomorrow.....tomorrow is God's, not ours.
   

thanks for letting me share.
i can't wait to nestle into chapter 2.
i can't wait to experience transformation.
i'm on my way to contentment.
i'm on my way to a calm heart.
(baby steps, people, baby steps)

this will take years.........but i've gotta start somewhere :)

now that its finally....

....below 100 degrees outside, lets talk body image.


no but really. did you know it was in the 100s for a week here?!?!? that means heat index of 110's+ people. thats hot. and really hot if you're pregnant.

and actually, the whole temp thing has nothing to do with body image.
just thought i'd through the two together in a catchy little line.
you know, cuz im clever like that. ow ow.

ok, so if you've been reading this blog, you know that i am like most women out there. how? well......sometimes when i look in the mirror i don't like what i see.
i know, i know. it sounds very vain and conceited. but im quite honest, so i dont mind sharing that its something i struggle with.

then. getting pregnant. yikes. that through me in a whole new realm of 'whoa my body is changing and im not sure how to handle this' emotions.
you see,
when you're pregnant. it takes a bit, or at least it did for me, for your baby belly to actually show/be cute. so at first you grow a massive chest, your butt busts out of the seems, and maybe even your thighs too. then about 2 months later your belly begins to grow. phewwww.
but.
until your belly is bursting, you just feel big and uncomfortable and awkward, really....you continue to feel like that throughout the whole pregnancy. the belly helps. almost 98% actually. but there is still a little part of you that slightly dislikes the other large areas on your body...

those around you might not even notice these changes. but you do.

and, if you're like me, you tried to weigh yourself on a regular basis through most of your pregnancy.
seeing the scale just grow and grow, and having no real baby belly to show for it yet is a strange and difficult thing to get used to. and completely ridiculously pointless :)

but God is Good.....and clearly - he didn't want me to live like this. and He's given me the strength to slowly be happy with my image and weight - and even though you're thinking, "you're pregnant lindsey, you're supposed to get bigger" its still hard to accept.

and now, things are good. really....i'm excited to accept the challenge of continuing this quest to be scale-free, checkoutmybutt in the mirror-free, and to have positive thoughts about the body GOD gave me post-pregnancy. i couldn't have come as far as i have alone - i had help from HIM :) and hopefully He knows to give me a turbo burst of help during my post-baby body phase.

some tidbits to my new found freedom:

• mr leif hid my scale. for real. i don't know where it is, and i haven't tried to look for it. but its the best thing thats happened to me. its like i don't have to answer to this little white square that gives me number i usually don't like. and even if you do like it.......you get suckered into thinking, hmmmm maybe it'll go lower. no scale for me. its freeing. so if you have the scale syndrome. get rid of it. just try it. its fab.
• also, i used to do the whole stand backwards in front of the mirror and spin your head/neck around to check out your own butt......and then freak out and its massive growth spurts. but. now. i rarely do the wrap around check. and its great. just say no when you walk by the mirror. just try it. its fab.
• surround yourself with colossions 3:2 friends. and thsoe who are emotionally and supportive healthy people. people that don't talk constantly about body stuff. people that are just genuinely FUN and CrAZY and LIGHTHEARTED. people that will go get ice cream with you, daily (thanks mr leif) but really. i've noticed the company i keep has a REAL impression on what consumes my mind. and it AINT good to be vain and conceited and worry about how we look 24/7. do you have a colossians 3:2 friend? if you don't, find one. find 5. the time you spend with others has such an impression on you. oh. and make sure YOU are a colossions 3:2 friend to others. just try it. its fab.

btw.

colossions 3:2 - Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

and i better throw this one in there - cuz it goes hand in hand:

romans 11:36 - For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen. cuz its not about us. its about HIM.

and have you heard the 'to you be the glory song'? well. pause my music player and check it out. every time we sing it in church i get all emotional. its a good one.

ok. im off to church.

hope we sing the glory song :)

something HE shares with us... and then some other random stuff

...psalm 25:4-5, 20-21

show me your ways o lord
teach me your paths
lead me in your truth and teach me
for you are the god of my salvation
on you i wait all the day

keep my soul and deliver me
let me not be ashamed
for i put my trust in you
let integrity and uprightness preserve me
for i wait for you

..........im struggling in the 'wait for you' 'teach me' 'lead me' areas right now
..........all too often, i'm snappin the reigns on my own life
..........just wish it was a clear cut vision when he 'shows us his ways', and 'teaches us his path'
..........im working on waiting, allowing him to mold me, and being willing to be led.

life is a challenge, ey?
:) :)

and now for the random stuff part.......
this post is GREAT on color coordination. thought i'd share :)
and
why am i so tired?
i had all this energy for about 2 weeks. and then BAM its gone and i could literally sleep all day.

the truth..........ready?

• last night i couldn't sleep........tossed and turned from about 2:14am, (after i went to the bathroom) until 4:30ish.
• then i finally fell asleep HARD and didn't wake up until 7:30ish.
• and then i just stayed in bed, read, surfed the web until almost 10:00.
• next, i had some cereal, had 3 phone conversations, and then mowed the lawn (HOLY HOTNESS ITS OVER 100 today.........wrong day to mow)
• after hosing myself off outside, i came in and had left over tacos for lunch and talked to my sister on the phone
• then......i went back to sleep until 2:36.
• seriously. i don't know whats wrong!!! and now im like a zombie, still SLEEPY.
• but........i need to get my booty in gear. we are hosting a church bbq tonight and are expecting about 20 people, AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! im staring at the deck thinking......what should i do first????
• ps. why is this bbq landing on the hottest day of summer? yikes!
• yawn.

drumroll please.......

........well, i wouldn't say drumroll if i didn't have good news ;)

God is SO so SO good.

"be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." - romans 12:12

new due date - oct 16!

babyleif is not 9 weeks.......but just an itty bitty 6 weeks, they found a heartbeat!

the nausea has been in full force......but bring it on ;)

mr. leif is home today and so am i. we are so happy. we are so thankful. as we walked out of the clinic, he said, "let's go to barnes and noble....i wanna buy me some baby books!" he is so excited. me too.

we celebrated over some breakfast, where we concluded together, that we were ready to accept the challenge of miscarriage if that is what the Lord had planned.....and be thankful for all of our other blessings. it was almost as if God wanted us to find peace before our appointment.

and then we watched the screen and something looked like it was jumping up and down, it was the heartbeat pounding.........it's like finding out we are pregnant all over again! can you say rollercoaster!?!?! (although some of you know i am not good with carnival rides......i got sick at the sutton carnival once) but this crazy rollercoaster has ended beautifully.

bring on the name picking and the nursery decorating and the belly growing. (can i get a tripple fist pump!?!?)

words can not describe, but i'll try...

...to write to you about a truly glorious weekend.

in trying to describe it in a nut shell, i could say they swept me away like on the ya-ya sistehood movie...or it is like i was in the secret life of bees movie-living amongst amazing women who love me so much. i love them. they inspire me. each and every single one of them.

of course, for the sake of respect to mr. leif...he is the reason that i invited these 4 AMAZING women came down to see me this past weekend.

you see...he had to stay in st. louis for the weekend because there were some big things going on at his project for work...

and i just couldn't be alone :)

from left to right: my momma, mom(2) (mr. leif's mom), my aunt joan, & my aunt marce

it only makes sense to give you a little preview of my 2 weeks leading up to this weekend...

• 10-12 hour days at work
• at least 2-3 hours of homework at night
• class 2 nights a week
• having to miss bible study because of the previous 3 things
• pretty much a recluse in my own home...and for those of you that know me well, you know that i thrive to be around people, friends, laughing, hanging out, etc.

so, based on those details...i was about 87.3% ready to 'throw in the towl', yep ready to either quit my job or quit my masters degree...me a quitter?? not usually...but that was about to be the reality of my response to the overload of stress.

i only share that with you because i have to say that after these 4 women left on sunday...i felt like i had been swept off of my feet and taken to some sunny island for a retreat. yes, they listened to me, gave me advice, and loved me.

moving on.

this is my momma.to say we connected so well this weekend would be an understatement. she and i are so alike. we knew this. but it was made clear throuhgout the whole weekend that we are...

'like mother-like daughter'

• she drives fast - i drive fast
• she loves music and is mesmorized by a good piano man - music is my passion
• she loves to sing, out loud - i love to sing out loud, with a pretend microphone too
• she is fond of red wine - i am totally a wino as well
• she is never home and always on the go - i am in more clubs, organizations, bible studies, masters classes then i can count on 1 hand
• she likes ice cream - i like ice cream
• she is competitive - i am competitive
• she likes to have a good time - i love me a good time
  

friday...

we started it off on friday night by going to thomas.

our night quickly progress into deep discussion...food...wine...and of course picking out music. i didn't realize my momma(2) was this into music too! she totally rocked on picking out playlist after playlist for....

the guy below, the piano man at thomas :)

see, told you my mom is mesmorized by music. she had to watch those keys move!

around midnight we headed home to my big sissy.
i know i know...you are thinkin, "what??? she flew in from san diego with little gingie!?!?"

nope. sad face.

we skyped with her....into the weeee hours of the morning :)!!!!!

all five of us sprawled out on my bed ooooing and ahhhhhhhing over little chub chub :)

i miss my sissy so much.

saturday.

a 2:30 lunch at hoolihans.

yep at 2:30 we finally left the house...

we totally slumber partied it up and lounged around all moring in our pj's.......eating mom's bran muffins :)

after hoolihans...it was on to parkville!

such a cute town, and only 15 minutes away!

although i am not this crazy fanatic western fan...(my bff amanda is...kinda)...i truly fell in love with spagetti western. go on. click that link...it isn't the store's website but it takes you to some one else's rad blog...and you see more about this crazy amazing store.
it's filled with vintage western type stuff. and it is cool. so very cool. and it is cheap. me like cheap.

my momma got the cutest vintage dress, $6 and $10 for gingie, and marce snagged a coon hat for baby hudson!!!!

ok, look close in this picture...see the lady with the red vest? that's the owner. she is so neat. her husband is a bass guitarist in a band...and once a month they open their shop up and block of the street in front for a huge concert...and supposedly it's loads of fun.

can't wait!

i may or may not have gotten a FAB piece of furniture from this store...
it could be green...and totally antiquish/vintagish....
have i mentioned yet how much i love my aunts and mom(s)....oh, i do i do i do.

moving on...

...with 2 new grammies on our hands (momma and aunt marce) we could NOT simply miss out on this cute store...i prefer to call it a vintage store (although its not vintage, it just sounds better then 'used' items)

never-the-less....i am a queen of used items. my hosue is filled with them.

re-use / recycle baby. although, i am not as passionate, whoops, about the recyling part.

see them!?!??!? immensely searching for the perfect buy... or should i say buy(s) :)
heather...you should go here! i will take you! colette, you are coming with us!
while the grammies were getting their toy-purchasing fix, my mom(2) and aunt joan headed over to this sweet wine house.

we had a cute little nook upstairs. wine and cheese, and a fabulous german beer was consumed...oh yeah, and some deep conversation :)
and guess what.
this was the place that mr. leif took me to for our 3 year anniversary when he popped the supprise of "hey baby pack your bags, we are goin to puerto rico in 3 days."
did you know i love mr. leif? i do i do i do

back to the city...
from there, we fufilled the lingering question of "how amazing is this chocolate bag that you are raving about lindsey?...yep. we headed to mccormick and schmicks
marce got salmon. cold and pink. marce and i share the same pallet, so you can probably imagine the laughs we had over her non-salivating mouth as this came out. don't worry the others are not picky and it was devoured :)
behold. (a very bad picture of) the chocolate bag...
and then you break it all up and eat it. heaven to the tongue. totally.
and ok, so the following 3 pictures i couldn't leave out...i thought it would be the perfect glimpse for you, my readers, to see and understand the rest of our amazing evening we had back at my house... :)

sunday...

ok.....so even though this post is becoming ginormous, i can't scrimp on sunday. i have been typing thean backspacing, then typing then backspacing because i don't know how to describe the beauty of our church. so i am just going to say Oak Hills is amazing. i can't not share with you some of the amazing things we walked away from church with. and the grace-filled moment in it, was that everything pastor russ preached was fufilling our deep conversations that we were having throughout the weekend. God works in mysterious ways, ey?!?!

taken straight from pastor russ:

• "There is an ongoingness to the Lord’s provision in our lives that assures us that He has more than enough to meet our needs. But with that comes another pledge that He will not give it to us all at once. He gives us what we need when we need it." so....“When you pray, say… ‘Give us each day our daily bread’” (Luke 11:2-3)
• and he quoted Piper...“Today's mercies are not designed to carry tomorrow's burdens. There will be mercies tomorrow for that. Today's mercies are for today's burdens. The strength to live tomorrow will be given tomorrow, not today. And it will be given. Our task today is not to have the strength needed for tomorrow's burdens. Our task today is to live by the mercies given for today, and to believe that there will be new mercies for tomorrow. Today's mercies do not include strength for tomorrow; they include faith that tomorrow's unseen mercies will be sufficient for tomorrow.”
• " Even more, God opposes this. When we pray, “God, load me up today for all the burdens and pain I’m going to face this year,” what are we after? Control? Independence? Self-confidence? God
  doesn’t want controlling, independent self-confidence to be your strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow. He has something much more wonderful and sufficient in mind for you—the steadfast love of the Lord which never ceases and His mercies which never end, but instead are new every morning. It is a mercy in itself that He calls you to a life of daily dependence upon Him, lest you forget you needed Him in the first place."

amen. and amen.

thank you momma, mom(2), aunt joan, and aunt marce. i love you....see you feb 26th??? hehehe

the waters rise...

this song sums up how i feel. kinda.

i find myself thinking, “when’s it coming?” i often wonder when i will face a horribly scary struggle, one that tests my faith and builds perseverance, like we are told here: James 1:2-4.

but i know now, that i am in a storm. a raging sea. he is in st. louis and i am here. it's hard and it's wearing on me. overflowing joy used resonate in my daily life. it's often easier to ignore it and go on with life, seeming happy to those around me. being successful at work and in school is how i can create a mask. but i want to write about it. so thanks for listening.

the waters keep rising and i fall deep into this battle with staying happy while he's gone. stay posititive. but it's so wearing. he is my best friend, my kindred spirit. he listens to my hopes, my dreams, my complaints, my jokes, and now i have all of those million thoughts in my mind everyday and only the only thing I come home to are the spiders :)

what a weird season in my life.
i’ve never lived alone.
i know i am not truly alone.

when i listen to this song i am comforted.

He will never let go…my soul overflows with the love He has for me and it fills me with hope.
so, as i continue to swim…….i think i just need to turn over and do the back float for a while. to rest. to admit that life's hard right now.

in the mean time…….i suppose i can talk to my laundry and blast amazing music like the david crowder band and mike’s chair.

...

it is nice getting my thoughts typed down. i like this.

busy as a bee...buzzzzzzzzzzzz

a nice night in - friday:

oh the weekends. i soooooo look forward to them! from monday morning, it's pretty much a countdown until mr. leif pulls into the driveway friday night. this weekend, he didn't get home until 9:30...so even though i typically possess the thought of 'we must go out on a friday night', we stayed in and it was nice :) you see, we usually hit up the salty iguana for some oh-so-delicious mexican food . but we had a nice night in. i had ice cream with a side of m & m's and mr. leif had taco bell. yum.

go.big.red. - saturday:

on saturday night mr. leif and i went down to the plaza to watch the huskers dominate :) the 810 zone has a tv to human ratio of about 3:1.... jk, but really, it might be 1:1!! so mr. leif was in his own little mini-heaven, and i got to people watch, yay :)

ahhhhh........sunday.

at a glorious church service, I found a new excitement in Micah 6:8

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

i am going to paint that verse on a big piece of plywood and then hang it behind my couch. mr. leif already bought me the wood, i just need the paint, and waalaa. hopefully my vision is fufilled with this little crafty, if so, i will post pics :)

and then after church, we made a return to the plaza.....

but.... this time...

we went to walk around and enjoy all the artsy-ness :)

and of course, we ended it with some spin dip from brio. delish. absolute delish........ahhhhh and my closest friends will appreciate this one: i stuffed my pockets full of brio mints. can't help it. its my trademark.




oh yeah, i did a little decorating too...i got a rad shelf from craigslist that stand in the corner, and holds my cute little plates.

and, i finally have my table looking how i want it. for now. one can never quite have her mind made up now can she???!!

don't forget........!!!!!!

Micah 6:8
act justly. love mercy. walk humbly with your God.