who am i?

trying to abide....

source

have you heard it?

"don't stop", by gin wigmore?

have you heard it on the lowes commercial yet????

in case you haven't snag a little sneak peak for yerrrrrself, why dontcha?!

by the way, thanks to my sweet little new zealander celia, i have gin's boots.

i may have brought them home from celia's house (she lived with gin) when i went to visit her in new zealand a few years ago.......

and i wear them a lot.

anyways, her cd is very cool. so verrry very cool. it's actually what's playing in my car right now! no joke folks.

you should probably buy a few of her songs on itunes.

a baby changes everything.

just over a week ago our little roman joe turned one.

as i look through all the photos from that day (a cluster of them are scattered throughout this post), his birthday, i've been reflecting on how much he's changed me, and mr leif, us.

it's true.

they change the way you think,

the way you plan,

the way you dress,

the way you eat,

the way you sleep,

the way you socialize,

the way you drive,

the way you clean,

they change everything.

they change your life.

but not a moment goes by, as they shape-shift your life, where you will ever find yourself wanting it any other way. you don't. you love your new life.

and now you wish babies on everyone you know, {do i sound like a freaky baby-hippie-lover?} but really, it's true.

you wish that all of the women you know will get to experience a mother's love. you do.

...

last night, as mr leif and i went to bed, i stopped in for my "just one more peek" routine.

the one where i pull the blanket up around little roman,

the one where i tuck him in all snuggly,

the one where i lightly touch his cheek to see if he's too cold, or too hot,

the one where i fight back tears, because i know what's happening.

he's growing up.

it's going to happen so fast.

i hear it all the time, "they just grow up so fast, before you know it, they're outta the house!"

the thought of him growing up, getting married, and no longer being my little baby, angers me.

i know that might sound crazy to you

but right now, i can't fathom him being big. being grown up.

....

he sleeps on his tummy,

all curled up.

arms tucked under him, knees pulled up in fetal position.

he looks like a little ball in his crib.

not a night goes by that i wish i could just scoop him up and hold him for the next 2,399,420 hours, and longer.

my heart aches as i stare into his crib, thinking, "what if something bad or scary or terrible will happen to him someday?" i can't stand the thought of it.

when did this happen?

how did i develop a love so strong for someone so little, for someone who's existence in my life is shorter than almost all of my other relationships?

....

why are we given children and allowed to experience this crazy amazing love for them, to see them just grow up and move out of the house....and leave us???

why can't we keep them little forever???

i know i'm sounding selfish, and maybe unrealistic, and possible even crazy,

but it's what's on my mind these days ;)

i know children are a gift from God....

i know we raise them and love them for His glory and honor....

i know they are truly His...

but sometimes i want just one wish.

sometimes i want to just freeze time right here.

forever.

...

[my heart melts]

it's when he cuddles with me after waking up from naps,

it's when he says, with an ever so sweet and delicate voice, "mommm-a"

it's when he crawls so fast away from me when we place chase, but always to look back and see if i'm coming,

it's when he rolls with a belly laugh from my tickles,

it's when we play peekaboo,

it's when he mimics me drinking coffee....."sip, ahhhhhhh" he really does copy me.

[my heart.melts.every.time.]

...

what an amazing year.

i didn't know i could be stretched, tugged, and challenged so much.

i didn't know such change could have occurred and so intentionally.

but i did. it did.

i've realized that having a baby requires selflessness.

you can't prepare for it, it just happens.

motherhood can be hazy at times.

when you realized you haven't showered, or had anything to eat for hours, or that you haven't had more than a couple hours of sleep consecutively.

it can wear on you.......

but the fulfillment from being a mother is priceless.

when i first became a mother, in the beginning, i realized - you just do it...you roll with it....you survive.

but as the first year of motherhood progresses, it becomes the normal. the selflessness.

the sacrifices, they're just part of the job.

but you don't mind. you embrace it, sometimes chuckling about it with friends.

you are fufilled from it - to give your time, your energy, your love to your child, is the ultimate.

it doesn't matter what time of the night it is, or how many shirts you've gone through already, you rise to the occasion. you step up to the plate.

and at the end of the day, you love them so much it hurts.

...

my dear sweet baby roman,

sigh......happy birthday!

you are my first born. you molded me into the role of mommy.

it was you who stretched my heart, my patience, and the days between hair washings.

it was you who allowed me to experience my first ultrasound, my first contraction, my first time nursing, my first time signing my name in the 'mother' slot at the doctor's office, my first time changing a diaper in the bathroom at the mall, the first time staring at the lights of the christmas tree in the dead of winter as i rocked you to sleep at 3 am, my first time experiencing nerves as we drove to get your shots, my first time experiencing heartache as i dropped you off at daycare, my first time experiencing 4am baths to lower your fever, my first time trying to figure out that dang nursing cover in public, my first time feeling the excitement as i watched my own child crawl for the first time and take his first steps. it was for you that i ordered my first kids meal - realizing how excited i was to see what toy you got! i was you who made me a mother, it was for you that i experienced singing happy birthday to my own child.

it was with you that i experienced motherhood for the first time. forever changing me.

i love you more than words could ever even begin to explain.

happy first birthday roman joe leif!!!!!

his birth story.

today is my baby's first birthday.

happy birthday roman joe leif!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i've read over his birth story over and over again today.

do you wanna read it? it's HERE and then HERE.

and so, here we are, one year later.

i'm not quite ready to write my post about my baby turning one.

i'm still processing that.

but for now?

i'll leave you with this.......

you'll want to pause my music player, on the side.

oh and one more thing. i was beautified my my blogbestie. she's the best in the west. and the midwest. and the east too. well, the south and the north for that matter. i heart her with all of my heart.

[i'm sorry about the poor quality....when you make a 20 minute video (ahhh i know).....it takes forever to uploaded and get a better embedding link thingy......i'll switch this one out when the "better" one is ready!]

i have dirty floors. and it's OK.

so, we're in full swing of project: budget in the leif house, as a result of me quitting my job, to stay home with our little guy.

i've never scrimped so much.

i've never spent so little.

it's refreshing.

it's challenging.

but?

it's hard.

we knew it would be.

however, something is happening through the hardships.

i'm being transformed. i'm being refined.

something beautiful is happening in my heart, and i can feel it.

recently, there have been a few things "breaking down" in our house, temptations for me to pout, to have a pitty party, to be mad at this dumb budget thing, but i'm not doing it.

i feel contentment. i feel at peace.

i never would have guessed contentment would come after cutting our income in half.

but it has.

verses keep playing in my mind throughout my day to day.

.....do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself

.....keep your lives free from the love of money

.....set your mind on things above

they keep me going. they keep me focused.

especially when.......

.........i wash dishes over the sink, 3+ times a day, and instead of complaining that our dishwasher has been broken for over two months, i realize this is it. this is what i'm sacrificing to be home with my baby. and it's OK. washing the dishes actually gives me time to think. it makes me be still, other than the washing motion, and ponder, and meditate. it allows me to rejuvenate for a moment.

.........AND when i go to the closet to get out our vacuum and remember it's broken? instead of complaining that it's broken, and searching target for the perfect one, i am patient. this is what i'm sacrificing to be home with my baby. and it's OK. the carpets can get a bit dirty until we find a place in our budget to pay for the vacuum. will i have to wait a couple weeks, maybe a month? probably. and it's OK. i can wait. the floors can wait.

........AND when i answer my phone, the one with a shattered screen, and think...hmmmmm.....sprint has just unleashed the new iphone. i should get it. i mean, i need it. i mean, my phone is barely hangin on by a thread here folks. instead of heading out the door to sprint, i wait, i continue to use this silly phone, and joke about how the shattered screen is a resemblance of life - and how chaotic it can be at times. this phone is what i'm sacrificing to be home with my baby, and it's OK. i can wait for a phone. in this season, i'd rather be able to use my messed up phone as a distractor while i change roman's diaper anyways. i mean, if i did have an iphone, i wouldn't allow him to go near it, and thus he would be doing barrel rolls across the living room floor while i battle him to change his diaper.

the old lindsey would have justified why we need each of those things, asap, to mr leif.

and the old lindsey would have talked him into it.

and the old lindsey would have been talking on her iphone, while vacuuming, as the dishes were being washing in the dishwasher all at the same time.

but, this new way of life has been refining for me.

i know the adrenaline will wear away.

i know difficult days lie ahead.

but there is no pressure on me to perform.

there is no pressure on me to get through this season perfectly.

there's grace.

and the Lords grace is sufficient for us, His power is made perfect in our weakness.

amen?

amen.

and look at this shadow.

this shadow is not of a baby.

it's of a little boy.

a little boy, named roman joe.

he's growin up.

and i get to be home. to help him.

thankful.

happy.

and content.

yes, i mention snow in this post.

well, roman didn't waste any time trying to break me into this new career.

only 2 days in and he busted out one of his not so cute tricks........."drive momma to breaking point of sleeplessness" - - - a fever and all that accompanies it.

but it's ok.

it just reminded me what motherhood is truly all about = knowing you can't do it on your own.

that when times get "icky", i just stop, and pray for strength to continue.......... with a calm voice, a peaceful mind, and a joyful heart.

our little dude seems to be on the mend today. smiley face.

........

i'm learning the ropes to my new job quickly.

i'm learning that putting pressure on myself to do certain things, to be certain places, is the ugliest way to conduct my role as momma and wife.

goals? they're ok.

telling myself i must do this, i must do that? not ok.

we get done what we can.

we get to where we can.

we do the best we can.

i'm bummed that i missed my "first" mom's bible study yesterday morning, but little dizzle was sick. it was out of my control.

it is.

because..... i successfully cooked two yummy dinners this week. and, they were easy too. and seriously so good. you should make them.

(if you clicked on that second link, you'll see a fabulous recipe that i used the leftovers for to make rice bowls (like at chipotle! yah, you bet!) for dinner tonight.)

because..... a sweet friend texted me she was one her way with a sonic drink, "just because". amen?

because..... another sweet friend came over after that, to give me some tips on a little craftydoodle for roman's bday party. amen?

because.... God obviously knew i needed a little umph to get me going. he sent some friends over, which happens to be the best medicine for me :) amen to a God who knows what we need? amen!

there's always beauty amongst the ugly. we might have had a mediocre start to the week, but i have an organized plan for next week, cooking and i are becoming buddies, and I GET TO CUDDLE my baby when he's sick!

i've also learned that trying to clean house while roman is awake is about as successful as scooping the driveway while it's snowing.

praise the LORD for naps :)

....

i've been reminiscing back to his itty bitty days. look at him???!?! i want him that small again. I DO!

because next week he turns one.

ONE?!?!?!??!?!??! hold me.

i want to kiss those lips. ahhhhhh. snuggly little babyboo. booboo. booboo. (and.......now i'm quoting from how to lose a guy in 10 days, benny boo boo, remember?!! love that movie.)

a field-trip for momma.

a while ago, i signed up to go on a field trip.

it was for me and my camera.

i had fun.

my goal is to snap photos that need NO editing.

i don't have photoshop,

and by the time i upload photos at night, i don't have the time or energy to edit on the few editing tools that iphoto has.

i want to start documenting our daily life. here, on the blog.

it's our scrapbook.

it's our photo album.

here are a few photos i took on my field-trip :)

mode: Av, ISO: 400, f/5.6

next, we did an "exercise" (i felt like i was in school again!) on trying to capture movement.

perfect for those of us with kiddos on the run.

we don't want blurry babies. just the blurred background to see that they were in fact, in motion.

for instance, when roman is crawling like a madman, or soon, when he will be running like a race horse, i will want to capture that, but not have him be blurred.

it takes practice and understanding weird camera stuff.

some of you might be naturals at figuring this all out, but i have NO background in anything camera related or graphic design-ish type stuff, so this is a whole new world for me........

we practiced by trying to capture moving cars and bicyclists on a busy street in downtown KC.

mode: Tv, ISO: 400, f/20 and f/16

i'm so excited to tackle this camera.

and, my new job totally allows me to practice on a regular basis :)

it's part of my job now.

you know, trips to the park, and stuff like that.

and i love it.

we didn't waste any time.

day one of full time mommy was met with a hop, skip, and the biggest leap you've seen as we headed out the door yesterday morning to meet...

and her beautiful momma.

roman has been doing tricks lately,
look at him go......
soon he'll be walking.

but let's not go there.

then he's no longer my widdle baby. boo.

they played hard.

audrey is so sweet to roman.

saying, "roman let's go!"

audrey is at prime park age....

roman? he's at prime, explore everything - don't pick me up or i'll scream until you let me back down - i wanna crawl for miles - stage.

thank you amy, for inviting us out to celebrate my new job.

i think i'm transitioning in well :)