happy birthday mr leif.

today you're 27.

ohmygoodness.

just 10 years ago, you were picking me up at tara's house for homecoming.

just 8 years ago, you were emailing me papers to edit for your freshman english class. (and i would edit them instead of doing my trig assignment)

and just 8 years ago, you were vowing never to buy me jewelry, but then gave me my first little ring, and a teddy bear too.

just 7 years ago, we 'road tripped' to kansas city to stay at the crown center. we ate at a steakhouse that produced a bill well over $100. (and i wore an abercrombie shirt and jean skirt.......while the others were in suits and fancy dresses)

just 5 years ago you went golfing with my dad and asked him to marry me.

and just 5 years ago you popped the question, on my 21st birthday, in florida at my sissy's.

just 4 years ago we were having way too much fun, drinking way to much wine, and making way too many friends on our honeymoon in jamaica.

just 1 year ago, you were working in st. louis. and i was here in KC. alone. but only alone for 5 months, because the other 5 months i had a babe growin inside of me.

and JUST 1 month ago, we had a baby.

AND JUST yesterday, you looked so dreamy with your sunday's best on, cuddling up our little rome.

and NOW.... you in your pjs and romes in his dipe

(because he's so sweaty he doesn't sleep in clothes, only a swaddle blank!)

oh babe. its been the bestest bestest time ever with you.

as your homecoming date, your prom date, your girlfriend, your roadtrip pal, your ski buddy, your beach mate, your movie date, your wife, and now your babymomma.

thanks for being the cutest boyfriend ever, the most dreamy husband i could imagine, and the bestest babydaddy i could have ever doodled about.

doodled? yeah..........i used to doodle my 'future' initials during my english class senior year of highschool. back then i was LMR. but i knew someday i'd be LML. and with LML, came babies. babies that would make you my babydaddy.

LML was alllllllllll over my notebook.

happy birthday my lovie love. see you tonight! we have a hott family date planned to chipotle :)

ah, finally...

...finally we had a weekend for us.

just us three.

don't get me wrong, we've loved having visitors, and also traveling back to nebraska......

BUT

since roman has been born, we haven't had a weekend with just us three.

just. our. family.

on saturday morning, i stayed in bed until 11:00. mr leif brough romes to me when he needed to be nursed, but other than that, he changed him, diped him, and played with him.......... it was OH so nice. i told mr leif that i felt like i was in college again, sleepin in so long........ it was GREAT.

oh, sunday night.....we've got wine, an anthropology mag, and.......

.......our babe.

it's alllllllllllllllll good.

sleepin...

...on my daddy.

...with my hands up.

...on my grampy.
...on my momma.

...and, with one eye open.

vlog......roman style!

because i've had 3 almost sleepless nights in a row...

because my brain is sort of fried...

and because it was my birfday yesterday! i'm 26 now....

and because little rome was too cute for words this morning....

......i give you: ROMAN, and his first vlog.

and ps. for some reason, youtube makes the video fuzzy. i'll try vimeo tomorrow, but for now.........mr leif is calling my name. we are going to go watch tv. because we HAVE cable now. (yeah, yeah, at&t was strikin' a deal). and roman is hopefully going to fall asleep in his swing. because that's the ONLY place he'll sleep these days..... but more on that later.....

4 weeks ago, to the minute...

...i had my first "real" contraction.

at that moment, couldn't have imagined that in 4 weeks,

i would be playing dress up with this handsome stud.......

on this chair...........

the same chair we took photos on earlier this summer

:)

seriously, becoming a momma has been the best thing ever.

look at him, i mean, come on............who wouldn't be in love with snuggling up on this little hunk all day. every day.

these last 4 weeks have been such a rollercoaster of emotions...........defeat, confidence, confusion, frustration, loneliness, scared, helpless, in love, overwhelmed, consumed, needed, passionate, tired, happy, complete........need i go on?!

i feel like we are on the right track though. finally.

everyday, i put myself through this battle in my mind. i've wanted to blog and blog and blog.......but i've been so stuck. all throughout the day, i search for things to strike up attention in my mind.......things that i can ponder upon and then release with my fingers at the keyboard later.....but nothin. no such luck. i'm in a fog of baby. a fog of new momma. and it's captured my abilities to think about things, to contemplate.

i just survive. i live and breathe on 3 hour shifts. eat, change, play, sleep.........quick! do a load of laundry and shower! then its eat, change, play, sleep...........quick! eat some lunch! switch the laundry, sweep the floor! then its eat, change, play, sleep........quick! try to take a nap, but whoops - you forgot to make a phone call, or send an email, or oh! you have a houseguest!.........

so this fog of babygoodness has me trapped. i've been unintentionally absent from my blog and i don't like it. i miss it. but my mind is consumed. and for now, that is ok. for now - it is where God has me - He is training me to be a momma. He has me focused on the task at hand, raising my son for his glory. and..........soon, very soon, i think i'll be back to the regular blogging again........i can feel it. the fog is clearing. life seems a bit more normal. things are making sense again.

so thank you for stickin around.

i know i've got TONS to write about. and once the fog clears, my fingers be rollin' YO.

randoms on roman...

you are one sweaty little boy.

so we rarely put sockies on your feeties.

you are more comfortable with your toes loose!

i know when you have to take a break from nursing......you know, to go to the bathroom........because you pucker up your lips just like this! it really is the cutest thing ;)

who do you get this trait from?? i should ask mr leif if he does the same thing!?!?
you like your paci when we ride in the car, and sometimes when you take a nap. you don't have to have it all the time......and i'm hoping it never becomes a necessity to soothe you!
(but of course, at this point, i'm so smitten, i'll give you whatever you want!)
oh dear! you are officially moving from newborn clothes to 0-3 months. it was a sad moment when your gma's pointed this scary fact out to me last weekend - your legs are stretchin the max out of those little clothes! good thing you got a week of wear in this little cute gettup from mommas bestie, carrie :)

you are sleepin in your crib! but your dad and i have a close eye on you......we've got video surveillance! haha. but really.........this is what you look like on our screen when you are snug as a bug in a rug in your swaddle, at night!

oh my! have i mentioned how cute your hair dries after bathtime! you have the cutest little mini mohawk. i love it. so fly. like a g6.

and hip hip hoooooooooooooooooray. your gettin chunky! check out your double chin!!! momma loves a chuny baby - i'm nursin the heck outof ya!

daddy's got the soothin touch. he's a swaddle pro (we had practice) and he holds you off to the side - which you LOVE! go daddy go!

and momma's fave..........you love snuggling in our big bed :)

and oh my goodness........tomorrow marks 4 weeks. speechless!

ps. thanks for not minding my crappy cell phone pictures :)

i went to a support group today...

...for breastfeeding.

and ya know? breastfeeding is actually going well.

i feel good about the success me and romes have had.

but there is this free class, every tuesday morning, for breastfeeding mommas.

and it was screaming my name.

why?

i love the idea of support groups.

to me, the idea of women sitting around in a group, sharing similar experiences, is beautiful. honestly, i could attend support groups all week long. monday could be a 'i wanna be the best wife i can be' support group - where we would all share brilliant wifelike things. tuesday would be the breastfeeding class. wednesday would be my bible study, aka, 'how to calm your anxious heart' group. thursday would be my 'dealing with all the postpartum craziness' group

and friday would be a 'become a better cook for your family' group. oh, yes.... that would be the perfect week for me.

i devour time when i get to sit around with women, and hash out the ups and downs, ins and outs, goods and bads. i love that kind of thing.

and today was perfect.

about 20 woman came to breastfeeding class.

we all sat in a circle, some fed, some didn't

we went around and introduced ourselves and our baby

we all asked one question

we all answered any question we had advice for

we all chatted up what was working

we all chatted up what wasn't working

we shared

we disclosed

and it was beautiful

but really............

breastfeeding is great.

and i get to spend serious connected (pun intended, pshhh waaaa hehehe) time with my little roman at least 8 times a day..........

:)

ps.

thanks for all the beautiful comments and messages in response to my last post. it's amazing how blogging has allowed me to reach out and be there for others, and likewise the support i've received is beautiful. to read your words of encouragement and love is like a extra large peppermint hot chocolate on a 20 degree day. no wait, its better. your words and support warm my heart. and you help me feel like i'm gonna make it, that i'll survive this new gig :)

i wasn't going to be 'that' blogger...

...you know, i didn't want to disappear from the blog world once the babe was born...

but, i have...
and i'm sorry.

this new life is exhausting. but i'm slowly regaining my breath. i'm slowly learning to swim....

i could say that i've been busy these last ALMOST 3 weeks.......just smiling, cuddling, and smooching on this little lovie:

but... then i wouldn't be completely honest.

can i be honest? ok. thanks :)

truth is....... being a mom is hard. it's really hard. and i know this is only the beginning of the 'hardness' :)

from the moment the umbilical cord was cut (by mr leif!) there was the most overwhelming rush of responsibility that slapped me upside the face. as if i was driving 90 miles an hour, and i smacked into a brick wall. it was a good collision though.

although this has been the HARDEST 2 weeks and 5 days of my life, i know it's not always like this. i know it gets easier........well, ahem.....i mean, i know that i will get through this crazy haze of overwhelming hopelessness. that we will find a routine. that i will know his cries. that i will get used to the sleepless nights. it will become the norm - and not just some crazy rollercoaster ride.

no, i don't think i'm enduring postpartum depression. to be honest, i think every new mom will feel what i am feeling. with your first baby, it's hard to relax. it's hard to be at ease when they are refusing to sleep. is he over tired? is he still hungry? does he like to be swaddled? oh great, does he hate to be swaddled? why don't i have the 'happiest baby on the block'?? how do i become 'babywise'!?!?

this is all just part of the switch. the switch from wife to wife/mother. the switch from the easy life, to the 'holy cow, i'm responsible for another human being' life. and it takes a little time, a few weeks i think. i'm slowly adjusting to the demands of being needed all day. all night.

but. just as i've heard from many, so many, other mothers........the good does outway the bad.

yes, your newborn will melt your heart 100,00,000,000,000,000,000,000 times more than m&m's in your palm on a hot summer day. however........you come home from the hospital, and you are sore. you have 'wounds' that need taken care of. you are tired. you are confused at what your baby needs. you are wondering if you are doing the right thing. you wish someone was around 24/7 to tell you if you are on the right track or not..... you need sleep. you have a weird looking body. you don't know what clothes to put on. your maternity clothes don't fit. your regular clothes don't fit. you miss your hubby when he goes back to work. you feel alone.

but......it passes. it does!

just this week i really feel that we have reached a new level of bonding. i'm feeling more and more confident each day.

just this week we are starting to settle into a routine.......it might be a bit discombobulated, but it is a routine none the less.

just this week i've mastered returning a shirt to the gap while rocking rome in his carseat with my foot-simultaneously.

just this week i've figured out how to nurse romes while eating cereal at the same time during our mid morning feeding.

i didn't want to write a post that sounded like i'm not enjoying motherhood. or that i'm sad. or that i'm in despair. because i'm not! i'm LOVING this new life. it's a gift. please believe me 100% when i say, this is the BEST gig ever. but also, hear me when i say it's been hard. each time i've clicked on 'new post' these past couple weeks......i wasn't sure what to write.......so i stuck with little posts and a few pictures. i knew that i wanted to share this struggle i've been enduring though. and i've chosen to share so that i can get it off my chest, and move forward...... :)

pray for me. for me as a mother. and a wife. that i will meet the needs of both my son and my husband. and that i too would pray. it's crazy that the day flies by, and i think, wow......i haven't even stopped to say a prayer, let along have any quiet time with my God.

i love him so much.

it is indescribeable.

i take a trillion pictures of my little lovie each day.

i kiss him a bajillion times each day.

i sing to him songs i've made up while i change him, and while he nurses.

i snuggle with him in bed after our early morning feeding.

and love him so much its crazy.

mr leif and his mini

so, everyone says roman looks like his daddy..........with my hair, and skin color.
i can't wait.

will i really get to raise an ACTUAL mini mr leif??!!!

oh i do hope so.

and......... with mr leif for a dad, roman is simply learning the ropes of life from the best.

i can't wait til little rome is running to the door to meet dad when he gets home from work

i can't wait til romyroo is asking his dad to play catch or build him a fort!

i can't wait til romes is carrying around his own mini tool belt. just like dad.

(although mr leif doesnt wear a tool belt, so im not sure where that whole scenerio came from....silly me)

oh goodness......i don't even know where to begin. mr leif has been the BEST husband ever. and he is clearly a natural at this daddy gig. as soon as he comes home from work, he takes over.......burping, changing, and cuddling. he loves being a dad. he loves helping me. and..... this is for an entirely seperate post.......but i definitely have needed the help :)

bath time's my fave :)

hi guys!
yesterday i turned two weeks old!
wow, i'm big huh?!

i love bath time.

these pictures were from a few days ago, but i hafta tell ya, just last night mom and dad soaked me in a little red bucket.

although i was really slippery, mom held on tight, and i didn't go under :)

i loved sitting in the water.

i'm a fish, indeed.

first- they undress me and i squirm around nakey in my duck towel.

then it's bathtime!

now, back to my towel to get cozy and dry :)

my dad likes to soak up the clean baby goodness

silly guy, he even nibbles on my belly
and finally......mom gets me dressed!
i know i can't wear all the cute things that girls get to wear - but i'm trying to let my mom put whatever she wants on me...i hear she has some babylegs that she's gonna put on me soon....oh dear! it's ok though, she likes to help pick out my dad's clothes too, hehe!