the perfect thursday night....

• snuggling in our warm house, under blankets, while roman is nursing, pausing just to smile at me for a moment and then latching right back on. tmi?? sorry. its the best.
• leftover cheesecake from baptism
• pepsi...i don't typically drink it. but it's tasin quite yummy at the moment
• a happy husband, and subsequently a happy wife
• realizing there's only one more work day this week
• relying on the fact that God is in control and His grace is sufficient
• freshly washed and blow-dried hair, meaning i'm good to go for a couple days in the hair department :)
• a good phone call with my big sissy

a charge from the Father.

becoming a parent is the most beautiful transformation. ever.
when you marry, you do take on a new role as wife/husband, yes, but parenthood truly transforms you. its a change you undergo, that affects you for the rest of your life.

i've come to realize, while recognizing its time to get intentional about parenting, that the Lord very clearly lays out a charge for us.

it isn't just, "be fruitful and multiply.........and have pizza on friday nights, and occassionally put your kids in time out."
nope.

over and over again the Lord makes it clear that we have a very important responsibility to train our children. through scriptures. in love. and discipline.

discipline is a scary word.
it is not one to take lightly.
and when i'm standing in front of the Lord someday, will i have lived out deuteronomy 6? will i have lived and breathed the scriptures to my children? will i have impressed them on my children? will i have spoken truths of Jesus to them at home, when we were away, as we went to bed, and when we woke up? did i tie the words of the Lord onto my hands, bind them to my forehead, and write them onto the doorframes of our home?

it's not just about babywise. or having the happiest baby on the block.

it's how i will react to their first temper tantrum in target,
it's how we will decide if they can watch the latest show for kids on tv,
it's deciding where to send the kids to school,
it's who we allow them to play with,
it's how we react when they tell us, "no!"
it's when they give us an attitude,
it's how we handle it when they won't pick up their mess,
it's what to do when they bite someone, or hit, or push others.

the responsibility in raising children is a heavy one.
but we are not alone.

i look forward to sharing what's working for me with others, and.............what's not working, the horror stories, the meltdowns.
i look forward to hearing your's.
it takes a village to raise a child.

thankfully we've been given a handbook, God's word.

on sunday we baptized roman. it was beautiful.

then, we all sang jesus loves you.

i am praying that my hands, my mouth, and my mind would work together to glorify the Father in raing our children. i'm praying mr. leif will lead us with strong hands, wisdom, and a compassionate heart.

i think parenthood will be quite a rollercoaster, and we've just buckled our seatbelt to begin :)

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Deuteronomy 11:18-19 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.

Proverbs 22:6 Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul.

Proverbs 13:24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.

not really a resolution.

it started with a fourth grade guidance lesson on resolutions.
we didn't really set resolutions, rather we let the theme of a 'new year resolution' guide us in learning how to set goals.
goals that were realistic.
goals that were measureable.
goals that were attainable.

as in most lessons, the kids enjoy when i self-disclose - both the good stuff AND the bad (like the time i was dishonest to my 3rd grade teacher when she asked if i was finished with my milk and i told her yes, which then led her to ask me to tip my container upside down so she could see, which of course resulted in milk all over my desk. because i wasn't finished. i hated milk. still do actually.) anyways, they like that kind of stuff. it helps them realize that teachers aren't perfect :)

so i explained to the kids my goal of running a 10K in may. and that i have a plan.
3 miles by te end of january.
4 miles by the end of february.
5 miles by the end of march.
and 6 miles by the end of april - making me ready to run the race in may.

and of couse, my reward? a new pair of shoes. under $40.

but over the last few days, it's been sort of on my heart that i didn't set any new years resolutions. and a run to prepare for isn't really my sort of typical resolution.

this year, i want to make a resolution, but it's really more of a goal.
i've been hearing about many great books that are just screaming my name.

my goal is to complete a whole list of books throughout the year. it's my 'resolution'.

the list?
Calm My Anxious Heart...Linda Dillow
When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Man...Edward T. Welch
Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World: Finding Intimacy With God in the Busyness of Life...Joanna Weaver

lately, i've been searching and searching for god's will in my life. does He want me to stay home with my kid(s)? does he want me to work? full time? part time? should we sell our house? should we stay? should we move closer to home? should we stay in KC? ..............relax, breathe, calm my heart. serve the Lord with gladness. i'm failing to realize i need to be still. search the scriptures. and wait for the Lord. i'm praying, that through these books, the Lord will stir my heart. and i will walk closer to Him.

a postpartum series: part 1

i don't know if i'll ever be able to completely put into words, the transformation you go through when becoming a momma. but i'm going to try.
i don't know if these posts will have order or topics, but i intend to start typing and just let my thoughts flow.
i don't know how many parts there will be, but i will write until i feel like i've shared my experience enough.
i'm writing about my postpartum experience because: shared joy is a double joy, and shared sorrow is only half a sorrow.

i've touched on it a few times already.
but i feel like i've only chipped at the surface of something that i crave so badly to talk about....so bad that i've decided to write about it, and then if you wanna talk? like really talk? (charlie this is for you....) let's hash it out more. over wine. over chocolate. over anything you'd prefer.

...

childbirth will rock your world.
physically? yes.
mentally? big yes.
emotionally? biggest yes yet.

to my friends who are pregnant at the moment:
know this, when you come home from the hospital, after the dust settles, you will maybe want to cry, you will maybe want to yell, you will maybe not want to talk at all.....that is ok.

i think the best thing that was done for me, after Roman was born, was to ask the raw question of 'how are YOU lindsey?"

it will be ok to say you don't want to be a momma, and that it's too hard, and that you didn't know what you were getting into.
it will be ok to say that you are so tired that you can't think straight.
it will be ok to say that you are frustrated with your husband's ability to sleep through the night.
it will be ok to say that you are so overwhelmed with the responsibility of this new itty bitty human being, that you want to hide in your closet.

because, becoming a mother is truly the biggest shift in 'figuring out who you are' that you will probably ever experience.

you will mourn the old you. but, you will celebrate the new you.
you will mourn your relationship with your husband, but you will get creative with what your relationship will now need to become.
you will mourn for long warm showers, but you can have those on saturdays when your husband is home.
you will mourn, probably for a lot of things. and that is ok.
(i don't even know if i am spelling mourn correctly.)

i remember a conversation i had with another mom, when she first layed eyes on her baby, it was love a first sight, yes. however, there was an awkward feeling of 'this is my baby?'......like at the very first moment you are to fall in love and know everything about them and know how to take care of them and soothe them like a glass of red wine soothes my thursday nights........but truth is? it's scary. it's hard. and there are so many times you feel like you can't keep going, but you do. you keep going and you make it through. just know it is not easy.

you may not crave conversation as i do. but you need it, it's healthy.
so call me. tell me to come over, and please pour your heart out.

you don't have to pretend everything is fine. or act like you are fine. and keep all of your fears bottled up.

be prepared to be rocked.
be preapared to be shifted.
be prepared to cry.
be prepared to be confused.
be prepared to feel guilt.
be prepared to be sad.
but know that i'll listen.
know that so many others have experienced it too.
and know that you love your baby so much.
so much that you can't even put it into words.
don't feel bad for tears, guilt, or sadness.
those will not define you as a new mom.
those will not define your love for your child.
those will just be feelings for a short while.
what will last, is your child.
your love for them,
your relationship with them.
i will be there for you. a phone call away.
i will listen, i will hug.

our Father did not make us perfect mothers.
in fact, we can never achieve perfection in motherhood. ever.
because if we could? then our children wouldn't have a need for a perfect GOD.

when we are weak. HE is strong.

ladies, you will be weak. you will be exhausted.
but your love for your child will prevail.
you'll find your place.
you'll find peace.

but mostly? you'll need to lean on the Lord.
He will be your strong tower.

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe. "
Proverbs 18.10

randoms on roman...at 3 months!

you just found your hands....you love to suck on them and lick them.

you really want to use your hands....but you can't quite grasp things intentionally, yet.

you love to suck on mommas hands....and you've become quite the drooler.

you love, LOVE, LOVE your play gym....most specifically the mirror.

your daddy says you're vain....because you're in love with your mirror.

you have four friends....the giraffe, lion, monkey, and elephant, which dangle from your little gym.

you breathe so heavy, so fast....when you are in your gym.

you squeel and try to giggle.....but mostly just squeels, when you see the mirror.

you still need to be swaddled, tight..........when you nap or sleep for the night
you throw your hands up into a big stretch.....everytime we unwrap your swaddle when you wake up.
you are a fabulous sleeper....and you really love to be swaddled tight.
you are a noisy sleeper....always grunting, squeeling softly, and trying to break free.
you sleep from about 9 pm until 5 am.....and you started that just in time for mommy to go back to work, i thank you.

you've got gas....well, you do. and it's cute.....for now.

you're a good pooper too.

you truly are the happiest baby on the block....and i've followed the eat, play, sleep schedule very strictly.
you are a great eater...but have become a lazy eater.
now that you've gotten used to momma's milk from a bottle....nursing is just too much work.
but you will nurse at the early morning feeding.....which i love because we get to bond before i go to work.
so far, i've been able to pump consistently......and so you haven't had to switch to formula yet.

you are a wiggle monster....and you just started flopping over to your side
you still love to fling your hands and feet around.....especially when you are really excited.
i'm always rubbing aquaphor on your face, because of your dry skin....our heater is flowin constantly, and your sweet skin just doesn't agree.
you've begun to get the cradle crap.....but so many sweet friends have given me advice, so i can't wait to tackle those flakies.
your eyes are still blue....and i really, so much REALLY, hope they stay that way.
your hair still sports a mohawk regularly....you just don't look 'yourself' when i try to tame it down.

you smile pretty much anytime i talk to you...and you follow your daddy around with your eyes like its your job.
we have lots of nicknames for you...romes, rome, romy, romyroo, roman candle, romonster, little rome, romeo, squiggle butt, squiggler, little love.
you're the best first born ever.....and you'll be the best big brother someday.

you're getting baptized this sunday...and i've begun to pray intentionally for you this week.

i pray that you will grow to be a respectful, strong, honest, brave, and God honoring man.

i pray that you will watch your father very closely, as he is the greatest role model for the type of husband you will want to be some day.

i pray that you will love the Lord, and share with others about the good news of Jesus Christ.

and, i pray that you will have a good voice, and be musically talented....

(i mean, i always wished your father could sing and play the guitar....so i'm hoping you will come through for me.)

i love you sweet roman joe.

this is for you, working moms!

.....heck, its for all moms.

so mr leif and i (mostly mr leif, but i help....a bit...) have started somthing new.
we've been trying it for two weeks.
and it's been fabulous.

on sundays, we plan our meals for the week, and also prep them.

we try to do at least 2-3 crockpot meals within the mix.....nothin like comin home from work to a yummy smelling home :)

to prep the crockpot meals, we prepare the ingredients and put them each into a crockpot liner bag, then into the fridge they go!............and in the mornings, we just plop the bag into the pot and set'er on low :)

chopping, stirring, pouring.........it's made our weeknights yummier, and easier too :)

so here is romes and i on our sunday night prep party in the kitchen.

i was making chocolate revel bars.

mr leif was prepping our all-the-fat-trimmed-off-beef/potato/carrot/celery stew.

we had a snow day today.

i got to smell the stew all day.

and i may have eated half the pan of bars. i mean, i did eat half the pan of bars.

i have no self control.

my baby needs a toupé?

no way, you say?
a toupé?
yes way, i say...

ok, i'll stop playing dr seuss with the whole rhyme thing.

you might be thinking........wait a minute, romes has lots of hair! and especially that chunk stickin up on top!........

well.... you're right...

i mean, you WERE right....

this picture is from just a couple days ago......hair's lookin thick there romes.....but now...... he's been plagued with cradle cap. or i am choosing to call it cradle CRAP. (haha, good joke, ey!?)

so, over the last few days, we've been scrubbin his head.....and his hair is falling out when we scrub it.........ahhhh!!!!!!!!!

SO....if there are any ideas out there.....share'em!!!

should we keep scrubbing? or just leave it?

oil? special shampoo?

and, just in case........if any of y'all know where to get a baby toupe.....share the love.

romes will NOT, i repeat, will NOT look like my high school basketball coach. (combover, anyone???)

20 weeks...

...but who's counting?

i am.
well, i am. i'm counting down until the 4th week of may.
until my summer vacation begins.
until i'm home with my romes.

i made it through the first week back to work. i survived :)
i knew i would, duh.
but how hard was it dropping roman off and driving away to work?
so hard.

wondering, will he wake up from his nap and wonder where his momma is?

wondering, will his babysitte swaddle him the right way?

wondering, will he get burped enough?

wondering, will he be scared in this strange house?

wondering, will he fall alseep ok?

wondering, will he miss me?

also, it's not like it's an easy 'ease' back into work once you've been gone for 12 weeks, so on top of the mountainous ball of nerves that smacks you upside the face when you are dropping your baby off, for the whole day, for the first time.......there are also the nerves with going back to work - and trying to find your place amongst those who haven't had to skip a beat while you've been away.

so along with leaving roman, i had to play catch up.
the week was hard.
it was long.
and in all honesty, it was a whirlwind.

but when i received an email right away first thing monday morning, from the babysitter, with THIS photo....

i first cried tears of happiness.
and then, i felt a blanket of peace come upon me. i felt like i could breathe. that everything would be OK...
he was happy with her. playing away.

but. that's not the hard part.
i mean, i knew he would be fine. i knew the babysitter(s) would get him to giggle.

the hard part was realizing that when i was in classrooms teaching, 2 hours went by and i didn't even think of him.
i got back to my office. and looked at the clock - and felt the biggest wave of guilt ever.

and then, i cried again.
how could i go 2 WHOLE hours without thinking of him? ??
ugggggggggggggh. i knew i didn't want to work.
i don't want to be so consumed that i don't think if my baby every second.

i know there are other moms who enjoy the time away, and enjoy the ability to clear their mind of mother-hood 'stuff', but i'm not ready for that yet.

i WANT to think about him constantly.

i might enjoy a break from the duties sometime, but not yet. i still want to be consumed with him.
however.
it's not in the cards right now :)
so, i be a busy busy bee at work, stopping when i can to think about my baby.
and then, rush home to him at 4:00.
wrap him in my arms.
and snuggle the night away :)

his baby book is empty...

yep. it is. and you know what? i don't know if it will ever get written in.

why is it that i hold myself to such a high standard?
why do i set the bar at an unreachable level?
why am i constently comparing myself to others?
why do i use the phrase "you should" when engaging in self-talk?

the baby book falls into this category.
from day one, actually before day one, i should have been filling it out...
writing down roman's firsts, the facts, all that good stuff.
but the truth? i haven't even opened it up, let alone documented any of his life inside it.

days have gone by, weeks, months actually. it's still blank. and i still tell myself i should have been writing in it, and i need to get it started.

ok... ok... then i started thinking.....
clearly, i'm not passionate about this babybook.
if i was, i totally would have been nose deep in it, updating the pages with every passing day of roman's existence....but i'm not. i haven't.
so why am i trying to get myself to do something that i obviously don't want to do?

if i'm not passionate about the baby book - why am i feeling so guilty for leaving it blank?

heck, i don't even know if i have a baby book (hi mom! do i have one?)

and since i like to self disclose practically anything about myself......i'll let you in on another 'downfall' i've recently realized.

back when i contemplated even getting a baby book, i thought, "oh i'll just update weekly on my blog" you know - roman updates.
that way, if/when i printed out my blog into a book or something of that sort, then i could have all of romy's little life documented.

welp. that's another big fat fail.
i can't keep up.
and i'm going to stop holding myself to the standard of where i think i should be.

instead?
instead, i'm going to soak up roman in the best form there is.

with snuggles, and hugs, and kisses, and of course some pictures here and there.......
because,
clearly, i don't have the desire, time, passion for baby books. (i mean he's almost 3 months already and i haven't had the drive to start it!!) OR to update his life via blog on a regular basis.
and that's OK.

i have it all in my mind.
all in my heart.
i won't forget any of his little new beginnings.

no, i may not have the exact date and time of his first coo. or his first smile. or his first blow out. or his first spit up. or the first time he peed on me. or the first time he pooped on mr leif. but i dont need to know the exacts. i just know they happened, and that's good enough for me.

so here's to releasing myself from the guilt.
here's to being OK with not saving hair from his first haircut.
and here's to that empty baby book.
heck, maybe i'll just regift it?!

i've got spittup in my hair...

...and i don't care!

...and i doubt i'll wash it before work tomorrow :)

i mean, i washed it this morning, and i usually try to make it 2-3 days before washing it again....no judging.
day 3 hair is the best to style.

and plus, tomorrow is THEday.

the dreaded day i go back to work....

oh i've been quite the mess today.

at one point, i stood in the dining room and tried to walk in three different directions.
i took a step towards the living room, to go fold the laundry.
i took a step towards the front room, to go rearrange (not sure why i wanted to do that)
then i took a step towards the bedroom to go make the bed.

but.
i didn't end up doing any of those things, instead, i went to the kitchen, where mr leif was prepping our stew ingredients for tomorrow night's supper, and making puppy chow to snack on tonight, and doing dishes from the lunch he made earlier........
and,

i started bawling....and bawling...."i can't leave him.....sniffffffff.sniffffffff." (said between sobs)

today has been so weird.

i felt sick, like throw-up sick, multiple times today.

i've been so nervous.

so overwhelmed.

i just need tomorrow to come and go as fast as it can, so i know what to expect for tuesday....and then next day......and the next.

i do think i'm about to embark on one of the hardest things i've had to do yet.

leave my baby for the whole day?

ahhh.

i'm so torn,
part of me wants the sitter to cuddle him up and love him galore....but then part of me wants her to keep her distance - because, he's MINE!
don't kiss him! that's my job!
don't make him smile - he does that for ME!
don't rock him to sleep - that's only something I get to do.

but then what's best for rome?

oh gag.

i should stop now.

i just need to go to bed.

pray.

and let God work out his will through me.

i know tomorrow will be horribly hard, and that i'll make it through.

well, little romes, these last 12 weeks have been the best EVER.

i've been thinking lately how much i need to cherish all of my time with him.

because i won't ever have i this easy with a newborn again.

there won't ever be just a newborn and me anymore, my next baby will come and i'll have roman too, and then the next will come and i'll have two others runnin around.

this first one is a treasure.

and i want to embrace our time together.

all of our snuggles
all of our morning giggles
all of our kissin
and all of our naps together :)

alrighty, i need to stop rambling.
i need to go wash my pump stuff and get everything ready to go for the morning.

and i promise to get back into the blogging world again.

i know i've been mia lately.

i intended to blog about roman's latest...
i intended to blog about christmas...
i intended to blog about new years...
and so much more...

but my minds been a whirwind.

ok, thank you so much for all your prayers and thoughts and notes of encouragement.

the day has come, and i know i can do it.

roman and i on new years day - out for breakfast with dad!