i've been battling with this whole idea of...

...being content.

like, truly content. content from within.
and i will preface this post with the statement that contentment is a life-long battle.
at least for me.

ok so you know when you were a child in sunday school or bible school or school school or maybe your amazing parents taught you about this..........regardless of where, you learned about the putting on the armor of God.......
and that you have a belt of truth buckled round your waist, and a breastplate of righteousness in place, and your feet are fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace and the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

ok. well in my battle with contentment.........i have just really been slicin things up with my sword. seriously though.......its like i wipped out my sword and have totally stabbed this contentment argument (which is constantly going on in my mind) right in the chest. HA-gottcha.

so......to help you better understand, to explain to you my sudden new feeling of CONTENTMENT!!!!!! - to give you a window into my brain (but i'll warn you, i think too much, and over analyze, and study, and observe, and am constantly thinking......and contemplating.......it is quite scary in my brain) - you can read the discussion below. but seriously. it's vicious. and you might get a headache.

for the past year (actually my whole life) i have battled with my issue of not being content. but really, its more of a question i am always asking myself. am i not content?

• or is it that i thrive on change?
• or am i just super motivated?
• or do i have some form of adhd - like 'constantly thinking of new ideas adhd'?
• or have i not tasted the simple life so i just don't know what i am missing?

oh wait........i really do crave the simple life. i want it so bad. i want to quit my job. and say who cares about my master's degree. i want to stay home with my own kids, and not try to solve the problems of the 473 kids at school. but then.........yikes i spent all this time and money on my degree(s). would it be a waste? will i come back to counseling when my kids are grown? should i get a different job? if i finally found the perfect job would i stop wondering what i wanted to do next and just be content with that job forever? should i be a hairstylist? my sister has so much fun with that job, shouldn't i have more fun at work? why is it that 3 nights a week, every week i have something going on? can't i just come home? or is this just life? is life just always busy? oh i bet it is......and i bet i just need to get used to it? should we move - it would be fun? like move move-to a warmer place? or move back home? who's gonna watch my baby if i go back to work? can't we live by family? we miss our ne friends, should we move closer to them? we love our kc friends, wouldn't we be sad to leave them? oh that's just life right? should we just stay in our house and try harder soak up the simple life? oh the simple life. same house for at least 5 years, stay home, make dinner, clean, play with babies........sounds nice. sounds really nice. i want that. yes. that is what i want!! can i have it now? can i quit work? how soon? can we live off of one salary? can i give up my spending on things we dont absolutely need? does money ever buy me happiness?

now. a little self-disclosre. i like self-talk. a lot.
maybe it's because i have been living alone for the first time in my life, for a year, and ive learned to talk to myself (actually i have self-talked long before this year). i talk myself through stuff.......in my mind and sometimes outloud. when i am in the workroom at school, teachers make fun of me (i dont mind) because i will literally say outloud, 'ok, grab some pink paper, now some green, and then ok.....cut it in half........and then what next, oh yeah, go mail my letter, and then hmmmmm ok use the bathroom and stop by kathy's desk). now you might think its a sign of getting old. but i like to do it. and there always a million things going on in my mind. and i am always running around school. so i forget and i get overwhelmed and so i talk myself through the day :) hahahahhaah. but it is really good practice for times when i have a serious decision or dilemma, i am well practiced and talking my way through and coming up with a likeable decision.
so while self-talking i realized i was not doing the right thing. i can't self-talk (or have endless discussions in my mind) about trying to figure out this contentment thing.
i need my sword. my sword of truth.
it's like an AH HAH moment.
yo dork - you've gotta sword from the Lord (that rhymes).....now use it!

so this sword thing........its the sword of the spirit.......and i was taught that it is basically referring to the whole bible, the word of God......... so SEARCH it. and figure out this crazy contentment thing. and quit wasting time with this nonsense battle in your mind!

well now........what do we have here?!?!? quite the sharp sword(s) ey?!?!? now i've got 3 swords to stab this contentment battle. i'm like a warrior now or something. baaahahaha.

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who endures temptation (IN MY CASE not being content); for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him

1 John 2:15-17

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love to the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world-the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life-is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.

Philippians 4:11-13

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

now to adlib alittle to jordan sparks' song battlefield..........

Why does LIFE and CONTENTMENT always feel like a battlefield???? a battlefield??? a battlefield?????

I guess you better go and get your armor (get your armor), get your armor (get your armor)

(i LOVEEEEE that song)

(and its number 5 on my playlist if you wanna hear it)

and now for some justification for my crazy CRAZY mind....that is always thinking.....and analyzing.....and wondering........and confused with my whole contentment issue...... READ the quote below! i guess i'm meant for heaven.......and so are YOU :)

"if we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were meant for another another world" - C.S. Lewis

i know she's a keeper when.....

.....she knows my garage code.
.....therefore got into my house while i was in night class.
.....and brought me a plate of cupcakes.

by wednesday night im always more exhausted then i can handle....i have monday night class, tuesday bible study, wednesday night class........so my days are long leaving by 7ish and not coming home until after 9........ick ick ick. only 5 more weeks of my semester!!! totally a fist pump worthy fact.

but i was totally revvvved up tonight when i turned on my kitchen light to find these babies :) yummidy yum yum.

colette is the best. and i love her :) and my cupcake was really good. and it will be hard for me to save the rest for mr. leif. and i might eat them all before friday. and you should all make cupcakes for your friend and then suprise them with sneaking into their house and placing them in their kitchen. seriously. its totally a smile provoker and a heart warmer :)

oh jj heller, you did it again

i thought this song is quite perfect for our week.....being it the celebration of easter and all......its hard, in the hustle and bustle of life, to focus throughout the week on true worship.........so listen in as jj heller once again melts my heart :) He is all we need......

ps. weirdo youtube video, its the only one i could find

remember pause the music player on the side :)

she says it best :)

.......there's no need to fear .......goodness and mercy are following me ......your blood that covers me ......you are all that I need

i probably need to have.......

...........a baby girl. cuz then i'd decorate just like these totally FAB rooms:

a tribute to....

...my family.
...deanna.
...tara.
...amanda, well, all of the gowen's.

i would give ANYTHING (i think) to get my hands on an old acappella cd, or heck, even a shirt........mom-did you get rid of those??

oh the memories of these concerts, we spent many novembers driving to hastings, some of the best birthdays i ever had, hahahahhaha........... give me water from the well, baby.

QUICK DISCLOSURE - if you are not my family, deanna, tara, or amanda.......you may not wanna listen to all of these, because they will probably seem dorky and/or annoying, hehehehehehe. but i just couldn't resist. these were some of THE best childhood concerts. EVER. amen.
:)

and thank you mom and dad........for making using the LORD (and his music) in such a HUGE part of our growing up years. i hope mr. leif and i will be toting our kids to every christian concert we can find too :) i have awesome parents, ey?!?!?!?! hey - music is ministry - it was POWERFUL in our family, heck............. amanda, wouldn't you say it was powerful on clay street!!!!

bugs are my.....

enemy.

it's quite obvious.

• we have an exterminator come 4 times a year to spray.
• if i find a spider, i blast it with hair spray until it stops moving, so mr leif can get it when he gets home.
• we have bug sticky traps in random places of our house

however, this week, i had an encounter with a different kind of bug.

the sick bug.

{morning sickness? i don't know}

on two different occasions, my big sis and my mom had to hold my hair,

my mom had to pull over the car, and if you can't figure out what i was doing yet.......i'll give you one more clue: i had the best ab workout i have had since i ran track at doane.

...

my dad drove me back to KC yesterday, it was SO nice of him. i had to get home somehow and my sissy and her babe were off to the airport with my mom. it's nice to be back in KC since mr. leif is home for the weekend :) and since i think i am starting to feel better.

today i am going to try to eat again. not sure what i'll eat, but for some reason i suddenly craved wedding cake in bed last night and then i had a dream about these giant ice cream cones that were made of both cake and ice cream. kind of like an ice cream cake, but intstead, an ice cream cake cone. oh, and i also had a dream about one of my bestie boo's having something really really amazing happen :) but we'll see if my predictions were right.........hopefully soon.

ok. off to go try and eat.

you think i can order myself a cake from hyvee?!?!? i could have them write "happy your spring break is OVER" or "happy it's SNOWING on your last 2 days of spring break" or "happy many hours of homework that is waiting you"........... noooooo, no no no. those are too negative. how about just "happy saturday. eat up!"

thanks for all your help dad...........the entertainment center is lookin fab!

kissing....

.......her cheekies. it's what i've been doin since last friday.
it's what i'll continue to do until this friday. yep.
for a whole week,
i'll be smooching her. i'm lovin up being back in nebraska. and i'm here for 3 more days. yay :)

today my lil sissy painted bumble bees on my bright red toenails. i think my feet look cute now......even though one time in highschool, in mr hanger's class, a girl in my class told me i had the most ugliest feet ever. come on.......who does that? make fun of someone's feet? i guess at least she wasn't making fun of my nose...... i mean, at least i can cover my feet. but really....... i don't even think my feet are ugly. especially with bumble bees on my toes.

i know mr. leif will be excited to see them. buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz :)

poppin' a werthers....

....about every 3 minutes...... ALL. DAY. LONG.

i am addicted to these things!?!?!?
why did i buy a whole bag!?!?!?

sorry for the shaky video.......i musta been on a sugar high!?!?!?

**push pause on my music player**

workin for the.....

weeeeeeeeeeekend. its what i do.

but. about 8 weeks or so now.........
and my mr. will be home.........
and never never never, he says, will we be apart this long again........
i. can't. wait.

this weekend was good.

because it was warm.
because we hung out with good friends :) and i had mac and cheese and french fries on a lunch tray. and these friends make us smile.

because we went to visit our other friends..........its her birthday week :)

because mr. leif grilled. and i had a juicy cheeseburger with ketchup and pickle. and then i burped up the burger for the next 3.6 hours. but that's ok.

because me and my mr. made a fruit pizza.

because we ate it straight out of the pan. because we can. and to keep up with this rhyming, i wish i was tan.

because mr. leif hammered away on his nesting list.

because i ate fruit pizza while i watched him work and i laughed at him. a lot. because he had 2 cups of coffee and was wirrrrrrrrrrrrred. he is so funny when he gets like that.

because he was so happy. happy to be home with me. and that makes me happy. and he thinks my belly is growing. i can't tell..........other then the fact that i have to unbutton my pants about mid-day..........but that happens even afer a good night out at mccormick and scmick's.

ps. friday we have our next dr. appt....YAY. and friday after the doc we drive home.....YAY. and next week i am home all week with my sissy, and gingiepoo, and my family.......YAY. and next week i will eat all of my mom's good food........YAY.

back to the dr. today.....

.......for another ultrasound!

when we left the dr. last week, it was mostly good news - seeing a heartbeat, but they still had some concerns, so they asked us to come back in a week (today).

mr. leif had to head back to st. louis early this morning, so my momma came down from NE on saturday to go with me for another ultrasound.

everything was great!

the heartbeat was pumpin away, and baby leif definitely grew within a week's time!
now........according to my website research (so reliable, ey?) baby leif is the size of a blueberry.
so. below, i pose with baby blueberry. well......... fake baby blueberry that is.

oh this little blueberry better have a sweet tooth like me........today has been a yummy day in the field of my food consumption. and................. my tastebuds are jumpin right off of my tongue because i have already decided that on my way to night class i will get mac and cheese from noodles and company. have you had it? total deliciousness. you must try it. must. must. must.

alright, i'm off to go skype with my professor. (how LAME, i know). but since i missed class a couple wednesdays ago because of parent teacher conferences i have to make it up via skype. holy cow.........i can't WAIT for this semester to be o.v.e.r.

ps........mr. leif is workin his tail off..........he might be home end of april/real early may, if they don't get too much rain. he tells me he will work 12 hour days from here on out just to get back. i love him :) so.........my praying readers: please pray for NO rain south of st. louis, because the less rain the more landscaping at his appartments. and the sooner he is home :)

thanks momma for a wonderful weekend. thanks for dragging the giant tree branch off our front yard. and thanks for the cheese pizza. and thanks for watching that weird bomb movie with us. and thanks for trying to make me try on that nasty green shirt, i should have listened to you. and thanks for the purple gatorade. and the carrots.