stars of glory

so, i listen to "stars of glory" about 10 times a day.

at least.

because, when i discovered the lowerlights christmas album a couple months ago,

it found a comfy spot in my itunes, immediately.

needless to say, when i stumbled upon this version {the one in the video below}, live?

my heart was glad.

do you want a happy heart too?

then listen ;)

but first pause my music player, down a bit & to the right of your screen!

and for your resonating pleasure:

Stars of glory shine more brightly,
Purer be the moonlight's beam,
Glide ye hours and moments lightly,
Swiftly down time's deep'ning stream.
Bring the hour that banished sadness,
Brought redemption down to earth,
When the shepherds heard with gladness
Tidings of a Saviour's birth.

See the shepherds quickly rising,
Hast'ning to the humble stall,
And the newborn Infant prizing,
As the mighty Lord of All.
Lowly now they bend before him
In His helpless infant state.
Firmly faithful we adore Him,
And His greatness celebrate.

See how Mary loves her Boychild
In the light of Bethlehem.
Lowly ox and ass breathe warmly
On the little Lord of All.
Now the world is hushed in stillness,
In the joy of knowing God is near!
Hope and love have come to dwell here,
Driving out the night of fear.

Hark! The swell of heav'nly voices
Peals along the vaulted sky.
Angels sing while earth rejoices,
"Glory to our God on high!
Glory in the highest heaven.
Peace to lowly ones on earth.
Joy to these and bliss be given
In the great Redeemer's birth."

i ate the whole bag.

i mean, mr leif might have had a couple.

but in one day.

i ate the whole bag.

mini chocolate cadbury christmas eggs.

so good. totes

loving well

jacob and leah {i know! just like in the bible!} are having a BABY!!!!

they ARE having a baby boy, however, they aren't planning on naming him levi, judah, reuben, or simeon, hehe.....

the straws and twine are from etsy, and the rest was hand-made {with love} :)

our sweet church, oak hills pca, is full of wonderful women, and we had a rather lovely group all smooshed into the little leif abode :)

throughout the weeks leading up to the shower, the Lord began stirring up something in my heart...

why do we give showers?

why do we think we need all this decoration stuff?

are we trying to impress?

how are we glorifying him through this?

because...

sometimes,

when i host things, i get all anxious last minute thinking everything needs to be perfect.

but, when i examine my heart and intentions in hosting, i see that it truly has nothing to do with impressing others and looking perfect.

it has everything to do with wanting to love a sista WELL.

LOVING WELL.

for me, opening up my home is one way i can love someone well,

when anxiety/stress/perfectionist tendencies ease in? then my intentions are heading down the wrong path.....

although i don't feel i have ever intentionally been a host merely to impress or be perfect, however.....i was letting those things slowly seep into my hosting experiences.

and this time?

being conscious of those tendencies?

it was so freeing.

my heart was so different.

i was curious to know specifically how the bible refers to hospitality, and such a beautiful charge to us as hosts:

1 Peter 4:9-10

Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.

i know, I KNOW none of this is about me.

it was leah's baby shower for pete's sake!

learning experiences that are all around us.

every day.

even when opening up your home.

drawing us to become more like him.

refining us.

glorifying HIM by loving others well.

MAKING KNOWN HIS GRACE, by opening my home.

i'm challenging myself to become a better host in 2012,

whether it's a coffee date, a playdate, a shower for baby or bride, or a dinner served.....

i want to intentionally love my guests well, making it nothing about me, but making about the LORD, serving in HIS name.

what IS the romanator up to these days?

everything!

so glad you asked ;)

at 14 months our little romes is..........

brushing his teeth!

every morning with daddy, and pretty much any time he finds his toothbrush.

playing in all things kitchen. and all things bedroom. and all of the things he can get his little hands on. ALL OF THE THINGS IN THE HOUSE!

but i love it.

and most of the time? i find those things in my armoire ;)

so far?

strainer, cellphone, wall hooks, dollar bills, medicine, lotion, pizza sauce, mustard, plastic tools from his toolbench.....remotes!

if i can't find it? i go to the armoire!

if daddy's doin it?

so is roman.

the way he looks at his father? it keeps me in love with his daddy too :)

it's this look of, "wow. you're my dad. and you so strong and smart and amazing"

rather different than the way he looks at me, "haha....momma, you're so FUNNY, and chase me!!! and you're silly, and giggles, giggles, let's play!"

i love the way he sees us differently.

one as a father

one as a mother

he so intricately watches daddy, so as to pick up on every move, because DUH, he's gonna be just like him someday!

roman is a travelin' tropper :)

he LOVED playing with uncle cam back home in the NE over thanksgiving, and CANT WAIT! to see them at christmas. a bathtime buddy? yes PLEASE!

it was a wild bath time, that's FOR. SURE!

i'm loving that he has slowly eased out of his anxiety.

his stranger danger is diminishing.

still a momma's boy? BIG time.

still takes a while to warm up to friends? yes.

but does he come around and enjoy a good playdate, even with uncle cam?! oh yeah.

loving this sweet little social blooming baby of mine ;)

the fridge.

there are no words.

he's in love with all things inside of it.

the end.

seriously.

{but it at least gives me a moment to whip up a mean grilled cheese for lunch!} ...... and he's walking now {a bit bow-legged/pigeon towed} but it's cute. and he's babbling away. and he's giggling all day. and he's pointing at things all of the time {with his middle finger, HA!!!} and he's hammering on the walls and he's saying MOOO for cow, AHEEEHEEE for horse, and EEE-EE -EEE for puppy and he's obsessed with all animals {both fake and real} and he's bringing books to me all day long and he's eating better! and he's still drinking milk from a bottle, HA! {i don't care!} and he's using straw sippy for water and juice, and boy is it cute watching him with a straw and he's still napping twice a day! and he's going to bed around 7:30 and waking around 5:30/6:30 and he's amazing. and we love him.

and oh, my little one. those eyes. they're captivating me more and more each day.

{and i'm quite in love with your little quirky right eyebrow, and your fluffball of a head at the moment, too!!}

i'll love you forever my dear sweet one :)

coffee, shall we?

good afternoon my friends ;) i've seen a "virtual coffee date" before and thought, eh, why not try it? so, let's have a coffee date, shall we?!

if you were truly at my house....

.....i would share with you that i've started thinking about all of the options for educating roman. {and our future children} i would tell you i've been recently excited about the option of homeschooling. i would go on to say that how blown away i am by the huge homeschooling community in kansas city, and that homeschooling families don't really wear jeanskirts that are ankle length, with hair that goes to their butt. nope. they are trendy. they highlight their hair! i would go on to share the {obvious} fears of homeschooling........but then i would share that i think i want to try at least one year!" i would tell you about what i read from a momma earlier, "At the end of the day, we were happy. I thought a lot about homeschooling today--how much we learned, what we experienced, how good it felt to be out, doing, seeing, learning and how good it felt to be with her while it happened. There are days I think it might not work out and days like today when I think...it could happen. There are pros, there are cons, there is a bit of time before we need to decide." [found HERE]

and how i LOVE experiencing my child learning.

but, then i would also share that i'm not oppose to public school, or private school. because as a recent educator in public schools and as a previous student at a private school, i understand how wonderful both of those experiences can be too. plus, i would get to send off the older kids and then i would love the slow mornings on the couch sipping orange juice and eating oatmeal with the little ones still at home, just like this momma does [HERE] :)

.....i would share with you the anxiousness i feel with parenting roman. he's very strong willed. very full of energy. moving non stop. and as his momma, i'm realizing HOW much more time i spend with him verses mr leif who comes home in the evenings for dinner, small playtime, and the bath! that means that I GET to do a lot of the parenting, and I GET to set a lot of the limits and I GET to struggle with how, and what, and being consistent. it's a weight on my shoulders.

i would start laughing, as i went on to explain that

i've spent countless hours in the past, while getting my counseling degree, learning about how to facilitate parenting groups, reading and discussing the issues behind the struggles of parenting.

and that

i've spent countless hours in SIT meetings {StudentInterventionTeam} at the school I worked at, helping parents, special education teachers, the psychologist, the principal, the teachers......coming up with new ways to reach children, coming up with new ways to teach them at their level, coming up with new ways to meet their needs.

and then i would share with you the irony of now:

my own child? i find myself confused, i would say.

i find myself wondering if i'm doing everything wrong?

.....i would share that i'm loving my time with roman. i can't imagine spending my days doing ANYTHING else. not even shopping for new boots {a girl can never have too many boots, folks} nope. even on the most wearing days, i smile. i laugh. i love.

and then i would make a small confession to you that sometimes, i look forward to his naptime. actually i would have to confess again, that i almost always look forward to his naptime. but that i'm ok with that confession. BECAUSE, i'm like a kid counting down til christmas for the time i get to sweep him out of his crib, once he's awake. that time is priceless.

i would explain to you the joy i get picking my baby up out of his crib. i would share that he's so sweet during that "just waking up phase". snuggly. yummy.

and then,

i would tell you that i usually kiss him 30 times on the cheeks telling him how much i love him.

of course, i wouldn't forget to let you know how often and EASY it is to thank GOD for him multiple times a day. seriously. i stop throughout the day, pause for a moment, and just THANK HIM. motherhood is a pearl. such a beautiful thing. such a delicate and precious thing.

....and then we would pause for more coffee, and some snacks.

who doesn't love snacks?

.....but now? as we return to the couch?

i would apologize for rambling on. i would ask you to share with me.

what's on your heart? what's in your mind? do tell?

and then i would listen as you shared your inner thoughts. the depths of your mind.

we would reflect on what proverbs 19:20 tells us: when we listen to each other's advice and accept each other's instruction, we might gain wisdom in mothering and as wives.

....and now we would end with a very sweet moment of thanks, for our friendship, for the ability to share, the ability to listen. for the ability to be real, and honest, and forgiving.

but before you walked out the door, i would ask you.....pray for me?

pray that i strive each day to become a better wife?

all of this momma talk sometimes drags me away from my duty to mr leif.

pray that i create a happy home for him?

and after you share how i can pray for you, you'd be off, heading home to your warm and cozy house, while i resumed duties:

thank you for coffee, please come again?

dwell.

yesterday i woke up from a sunday afternoon nap to this:

you can't explain the feeling that comes when you see such a sight ;)

we're loving december and all that comes with it.

mr leif and i are beginning to plan all sorts of little family traditions for the this beautiful time of year.......ones that will be woven into the memories of our children.

{and let's be real, some that look good on pinterest but won't actually get done....}

so, here's to accepting the imperfections of this holiday season, and to get totally all cliche on you:

here's to remembering what the true meaning is.

here's to celebrating the beauty of CHRIST ;)

today i'm a guest of "dwell" over at olivia's :)

....

and now, for a quick catch-up.

a little PHONEdump:

1. november provided beautiful park days

2. daddy turned 28 on november 15th!!!!

3. roman passed out after one of our {many thanksgiving} events back in the NE

4. little romes also was battling an ear infection :(

5. but that didn't stop him from some fun in da tub with his uncle CAM!

6. meeting daddy for lunch. best family time. ever ;) provides such a fun break in our day! 7. playdates with cait and carter.......loving the twins more and more {&their play kitchen}!!! 8. another tree fell in our yard. 9. going to asher & bram's in my pj's ;) play time for both baby AND momma ;) 10. teething. 11. oh great, my ear infection turned into a DOUBLE {&muchworse} ear infection 12. roman brings us books. ALL. the TIME. but we LOVE it. such a sweet season.

thelovelyleif.

hi.

so about a month ago, i began planning a baby shower.

i was set on making the invites myself.

so i did.

and then i wanted to make a thank you for my little niece's birthday.

something they could mail out to her little friends and family :)

and then it happened.

i went all crazy in making stuff.

and so i thought, well, i'll make a few cards.

and then i thought, maybe i'll make some more cards.

and BAM.

and so then.......i did these cute little prints...... thinking of holiday hostess gifts, or something to string up on your wall with a little yarn&clothespin, or perhaps to frame and set at your table as a cute little centerpiece :)

i'm having way too much fun.

it's crazy.

it's a bit addicting.

and now my mind is constantly swarming with ideas.

cheers for a new hobby :)

so then i thought, well, i'll open an etsy shop:

a colorado cousin.

the first week in november, romes and i hit the air.

we were off to the CO for charlotte's 2nd birthday :)

a 7:30am flight means arrive at the airport by 6:30,

which means leave at 5:45,

which means wake up at 5:00am

5am? not to unusual in the leif house - roman is quite the early riser.

BUT, he must of known somethin was up, for he woke at 4:00!

and he was a ball of fire.

yay.

needless to say as we were rollin into the airport, mr leif had to crank up some gangsta rap just so we could keep him up. there's no sleepin' until we get ON the plane ;)
we arrived in denver by 8:30 :)

my dad and mom drove out too, so my dad picked us up......roman FINALLY slept in the truck ride from the airport. crazy kid.

we arrive to this:

source

roman is slowly bustin out of his toddler anxiety.

and slowly starting to love charlotte........
but not as much as she loves him :)
some more lovin'
awwwww.

they say that once you have children, you don't take "vacations" anymore, but rather they're called "trips"........i would agree.

a plane ride makes most mothers of toddlers want to order wine in-flight, rather than a soda, even at 7:30am. i resisted. but barely.

multiple nights away from home can be wearing on sleep schedules, throw a time change of an hour difference in denver, and for kicks add the daylight savings time adjustment, and you'll want to hide under pillows and blankets for infinity because you're. so. tired. but i resisted, barely, and kept trudging on :)

however,

time at your sisters IS truly a vacation. not just a trip.

there were helping hands, and voices saying "go back to sleep, i'll watch roman for a while"

ahhhh.

such grace ;)

figuring things out.

i'm realizing that the first month of being a stay at home mom was my honeymoon period.

it slowly faded, and i slipped into a one-week depression.

literally.

we're talkin, stay in my pajamas all day.....

mutter bad things under my breath when i was washing dish after dish, just to wash more later.....

and again the bad thoughts as i picked up toy after toy, just to pick them all up again a few hours later.....

and again the bad thoughts as i tried to figure out what to feed roman for breakfast, knowing i would have to stare at the fridge a few hours later for lunch and again for dinner......

and again as i thought about my pathetic self pouting.....wondering why i was such a mess.

i felt so LAME.

i wondered why i was letting such things get me down...so so down?

i thought, what is WRONG with me?

why am i pouting, dragging my feet, going one too many days without washing my hair???

.....i've been dreaming of staying home with my baby ever since i saw the positive sign on the preggo test.

......this summer i was home with romes full time and i had a blast! it was a cinch!

.......i'm blessed with a happy healthy child!

why am i such a mess?

well, i'll tell ya one thing's for sure. continuing in the same pouty motions each day DOES NOT get you out of your slump. rather, it forces you down deeper.....

so. THAT's it, i said to myself.

time to put the big girl pants on and dig myself out.

what a yucky week. NO MORE!

truth is.......it's been hard to go from spending the day with 450+ children and 50+ adults......to JUST one other person {and he's only 13 months old}

i'm social. that's me. i need people around me.

so i went to town with setting up play dates, and all of the sudden i found my self with guests in my home ............5 days in a row. whoa.

some might think, "YIKES". you're overboard. calm down.

but i LOVED it.

i've always wanted my home to be swarming with people, conversation, children, food, sweets.....MUST have desserts {and wine too of course}

so that's what i did. i opened my door and in they came :)

and it was great.

i'm SO thankful for our church. the friendships i've made at oakhills are priceless.

and for me, friendships are medicine. yummy nummy medicine.

not having ANY family around has been difficult lately.

but i'm learning to lean on friends to fill that void.

what a blessing my yucky depressed week was for me.

while it was an ugly one, it revealed so much.

i learned to take pride in providing food for roman

i learned to be OK with a messy house

i learned to appreciate that mr leif doesn't demand dinner by 6pm and to take that pressure off myself

i learned that i NEED to get dressed, no all-day pajamas!

i learned that i do best when i get some adult interaction in my week

i learned that life is beautiful and we're give just the exact amount of grace we need to pull through these yucky times ;)

cheers to figuring out this new job, one day at a time!

[source]

oh. and i learned that from 4- 5:45 pm can be such a nasty time.......tired, hungry child wanting daddy + tired, hungry momma wanting daddy = bad combo.

so,

i learned that blaring music is a MUST during that hour and a half. and dancing to that music makes things even better. {just ask roman!}

catching up.

getting caught up, the easy way: phone photos from the past few weeks dumped into the blog :)

1. back home in the NE. grampa kurt teaching romes the ways of the field.

2. this combine is saweeeeet.

3. grammy abbi took me to see uncle colton's baby calves. moo says the cow.

4. tryin' out my new birthday wheels. pretty fly ey.

5. daily tunnel walks. tunnel walk? future husker? HA!

6. grampa kurt, grammy abbi, uncle colton and uncle cam came to KC! colton brought his cow for a cow show! moo.

7. uncle cam chillin at the hotel. romes got to swim with him too ;) gotta love hotel pools.

8. the halloween that wasn't? roman was sick that weekend. but we did have a little dinkydino costume.....

9. charlotte turned 2! off on a jet plane to go help her celebrate!

10. finally found a reliable babysitter = happy lindsey (date night with mr leif)

11. love my flannel wearin' brownbear.

12. snuggles with pop-pop. he came to visit on a work trip!

13. loving our cousin time in denver. noodles n co. wasssssup.

14. this is the life.

15. who sleeps on a plane? not little dizzle. he waits until after we arrive.....little stinker ;)

alright folks, there ya have it.

AHHHHHHH. {we had a doubledate tonight.....and i had coffee at 7pm........and now i'm wide awake......} AHHHHHHHH.

we partied in nebraska.

well, hi.

...........if anyone is even out there ;)

i've been mia for a while and i have lots of excuses as to why, however, i shall not bore you with those!

a long time ago, like a month ago, we went home to nebraska to celebrate roman's first birthday.

i spent way too much time trying to make a little party favor that would contain a photo from each of roman's first 12 months of life. and, thanks to a good friend who rescued me with adhesive spray, i finally completed them and vowed to never do that craft again. ever. (sorry to the rest of my future kids. hopefully i'll come up with something easier.)

so yes. we were off to nebraska.

before the party started, we had a much needed hair-cutting session outside.

in the stroller.

watching the horsies.

thanks aunty liza!!!

and as soon as the haircut was over (roman hates the clippers. hates.) we moved onto project set-up-for-party. i hauled a few things back from KC and with the help of my mom and sister, we got our fingers dirty in creativity. we had fun ;)

yummy, YUMMY white-chocolate raspberry cake grammy abbi picked this sucker up from the "cake lady" in lincoln ;)

the guests began arriving (our giant families) and soon it was partay time.

we sang, we lit candles, we clapped, we wore birthday hats.

all in big anticipation for.......

...the smashing and eating of the cake.

however, roman wasn't into it.

COME ON ROMES!!!!! eat that CAKE!

nope.

he even received cake-eating peptalks from uncle donavan, grammy ribbens, uncle cameron, uncle aaron, grammy AND mommy again, but NOPE.

roman got some lovely gifts ;)

and we got to spend such sweet time with family

aunty liza & cousin charlotte, uncle cam and 2nd cousin hudson, aunty lesley and little rome so happy to have celebrated such a fun day with our families :) roman and i stayed back in nebraska for the next few days with my sister and little charlotte. we were busy visiting aunties and grammies and collecting pine cones ;) (for a craft, ok?) one day, we even went into school to say hi to roman's uncles (mr leif's little brothers) and yikes. talk about nostalgia. i was immediately taken back to all of my high school memories ;) and of course, the beginnings of a romance that eventually led to marriage....oh mr leif, remember the good ole days?! i could hardly ever get you to come talk to me at my locker. tsssk tsssssk, so shy. ...... ok. i promise to be up and posting again ;) this past month has been so busy! i've got lots to talk about.... a visit to grammy abbi and grandpa kurt's farm! (roman even got to help harvest in the combine!) a visit to KC from mr leif's family! (they may or may not have brought a cow with them!) a halloween that wasn't! (what?) a trip to colorado! (charlotte turned 2!) and of course, i'll share all sorts of crazy stuff that has been taking up space in my mind. (i've got about 6 posts already started in my mind.....)

who am i?

trying to abide....

source

have you heard it?

"don't stop", by gin wigmore?

have you heard it on the lowes commercial yet????

in case you haven't snag a little sneak peak for yerrrrrself, why dontcha?!

by the way, thanks to my sweet little new zealander celia, i have gin's boots.

i may have brought them home from celia's house (she lived with gin) when i went to visit her in new zealand a few years ago.......

and i wear them a lot.

anyways, her cd is very cool. so verrry very cool. it's actually what's playing in my car right now! no joke folks.

you should probably buy a few of her songs on itunes.

a baby changes everything.

just over a week ago our little roman joe turned one.

as i look through all the photos from that day (a cluster of them are scattered throughout this post), his birthday, i've been reflecting on how much he's changed me, and mr leif, us.

it's true.

they change the way you think,

the way you plan,

the way you dress,

the way you eat,

the way you sleep,

the way you socialize,

the way you drive,

the way you clean,

they change everything.

they change your life.

but not a moment goes by, as they shape-shift your life, where you will ever find yourself wanting it any other way. you don't. you love your new life.

and now you wish babies on everyone you know, {do i sound like a freaky baby-hippie-lover?} but really, it's true.

you wish that all of the women you know will get to experience a mother's love. you do.

...

last night, as mr leif and i went to bed, i stopped in for my "just one more peek" routine.

the one where i pull the blanket up around little roman,

the one where i tuck him in all snuggly,

the one where i lightly touch his cheek to see if he's too cold, or too hot,

the one where i fight back tears, because i know what's happening.

he's growing up.

it's going to happen so fast.

i hear it all the time, "they just grow up so fast, before you know it, they're outta the house!"

the thought of him growing up, getting married, and no longer being my little baby, angers me.

i know that might sound crazy to you

but right now, i can't fathom him being big. being grown up.

....

he sleeps on his tummy,

all curled up.

arms tucked under him, knees pulled up in fetal position.

he looks like a little ball in his crib.

not a night goes by that i wish i could just scoop him up and hold him for the next 2,399,420 hours, and longer.

my heart aches as i stare into his crib, thinking, "what if something bad or scary or terrible will happen to him someday?" i can't stand the thought of it.

when did this happen?

how did i develop a love so strong for someone so little, for someone who's existence in my life is shorter than almost all of my other relationships?

....

why are we given children and allowed to experience this crazy amazing love for them, to see them just grow up and move out of the house....and leave us???

why can't we keep them little forever???

i know i'm sounding selfish, and maybe unrealistic, and possible even crazy,

but it's what's on my mind these days ;)

i know children are a gift from God....

i know we raise them and love them for His glory and honor....

i know they are truly His...

but sometimes i want just one wish.

sometimes i want to just freeze time right here.

forever.

...

[my heart melts]

it's when he cuddles with me after waking up from naps,

it's when he says, with an ever so sweet and delicate voice, "mommm-a"

it's when he crawls so fast away from me when we place chase, but always to look back and see if i'm coming,

it's when he rolls with a belly laugh from my tickles,

it's when we play peekaboo,

it's when he mimics me drinking coffee....."sip, ahhhhhhh" he really does copy me.

[my heart.melts.every.time.]

...

what an amazing year.

i didn't know i could be stretched, tugged, and challenged so much.

i didn't know such change could have occurred and so intentionally.

but i did. it did.

i've realized that having a baby requires selflessness.

you can't prepare for it, it just happens.

motherhood can be hazy at times.

when you realized you haven't showered, or had anything to eat for hours, or that you haven't had more than a couple hours of sleep consecutively.

it can wear on you.......

but the fulfillment from being a mother is priceless.

when i first became a mother, in the beginning, i realized - you just do it...you roll with it....you survive.

but as the first year of motherhood progresses, it becomes the normal. the selflessness.

the sacrifices, they're just part of the job.

but you don't mind. you embrace it, sometimes chuckling about it with friends.

you are fufilled from it - to give your time, your energy, your love to your child, is the ultimate.

it doesn't matter what time of the night it is, or how many shirts you've gone through already, you rise to the occasion. you step up to the plate.

and at the end of the day, you love them so much it hurts.

...

my dear sweet baby roman,

sigh......happy birthday!

you are my first born. you molded me into the role of mommy.

it was you who stretched my heart, my patience, and the days between hair washings.

it was you who allowed me to experience my first ultrasound, my first contraction, my first time nursing, my first time signing my name in the 'mother' slot at the doctor's office, my first time changing a diaper in the bathroom at the mall, the first time staring at the lights of the christmas tree in the dead of winter as i rocked you to sleep at 3 am, my first time experiencing nerves as we drove to get your shots, my first time experiencing heartache as i dropped you off at daycare, my first time experiencing 4am baths to lower your fever, my first time trying to figure out that dang nursing cover in public, my first time feeling the excitement as i watched my own child crawl for the first time and take his first steps. it was for you that i ordered my first kids meal - realizing how excited i was to see what toy you got! i was you who made me a mother, it was for you that i experienced singing happy birthday to my own child.

it was with you that i experienced motherhood for the first time. forever changing me.

i love you more than words could ever even begin to explain.

happy first birthday roman joe leif!!!!!

his birth story.

today is my baby's first birthday.

happy birthday roman joe leif!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i've read over his birth story over and over again today.

do you wanna read it? it's HERE and then HERE.

and so, here we are, one year later.

i'm not quite ready to write my post about my baby turning one.

i'm still processing that.

but for now?

i'll leave you with this.......

you'll want to pause my music player, on the side.

oh and one more thing. i was beautified my my blogbestie. she's the best in the west. and the midwest. and the east too. well, the south and the north for that matter. i heart her with all of my heart.

[i'm sorry about the poor quality....when you make a 20 minute video (ahhh i know).....it takes forever to uploaded and get a better embedding link thingy......i'll switch this one out when the "better" one is ready!]

i have dirty floors. and it's OK.

so, we're in full swing of project: budget in the leif house, as a result of me quitting my job, to stay home with our little guy.

i've never scrimped so much.

i've never spent so little.

it's refreshing.

it's challenging.

but?

it's hard.

we knew it would be.

however, something is happening through the hardships.

i'm being transformed. i'm being refined.

something beautiful is happening in my heart, and i can feel it.

recently, there have been a few things "breaking down" in our house, temptations for me to pout, to have a pitty party, to be mad at this dumb budget thing, but i'm not doing it.

i feel contentment. i feel at peace.

i never would have guessed contentment would come after cutting our income in half.

but it has.

verses keep playing in my mind throughout my day to day.

.....do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself

.....keep your lives free from the love of money

.....set your mind on things above

they keep me going. they keep me focused.

especially when.......

.........i wash dishes over the sink, 3+ times a day, and instead of complaining that our dishwasher has been broken for over two months, i realize this is it. this is what i'm sacrificing to be home with my baby. and it's OK. washing the dishes actually gives me time to think. it makes me be still, other than the washing motion, and ponder, and meditate. it allows me to rejuvenate for a moment.

.........AND when i go to the closet to get out our vacuum and remember it's broken? instead of complaining that it's broken, and searching target for the perfect one, i am patient. this is what i'm sacrificing to be home with my baby. and it's OK. the carpets can get a bit dirty until we find a place in our budget to pay for the vacuum. will i have to wait a couple weeks, maybe a month? probably. and it's OK. i can wait. the floors can wait.

........AND when i answer my phone, the one with a shattered screen, and think...hmmmmm.....sprint has just unleashed the new iphone. i should get it. i mean, i need it. i mean, my phone is barely hangin on by a thread here folks. instead of heading out the door to sprint, i wait, i continue to use this silly phone, and joke about how the shattered screen is a resemblance of life - and how chaotic it can be at times. this phone is what i'm sacrificing to be home with my baby, and it's OK. i can wait for a phone. in this season, i'd rather be able to use my messed up phone as a distractor while i change roman's diaper anyways. i mean, if i did have an iphone, i wouldn't allow him to go near it, and thus he would be doing barrel rolls across the living room floor while i battle him to change his diaper.

the old lindsey would have justified why we need each of those things, asap, to mr leif.

and the old lindsey would have talked him into it.

and the old lindsey would have been talking on her iphone, while vacuuming, as the dishes were being washing in the dishwasher all at the same time.

but, this new way of life has been refining for me.

i know the adrenaline will wear away.

i know difficult days lie ahead.

but there is no pressure on me to perform.

there is no pressure on me to get through this season perfectly.

there's grace.

and the Lords grace is sufficient for us, His power is made perfect in our weakness.

amen?

amen.

and look at this shadow.

this shadow is not of a baby.

it's of a little boy.

a little boy, named roman joe.

he's growin up.

and i get to be home. to help him.

thankful.

happy.

and content.