the symptom of...

...sleepiness is in full swing.

this is what i want to do. all. day. long.

but can't.

because when you work at an elementary school, energy must be your middle name.

if not, you won't survive.

i told mr. leif i thought i could totally bust through this pregnancy with very little symptoms. nope.

like mr. leif said, "that is something your mom would say." i am so like my momma.

truth is, i can't control it! i just want to sleep!!!

so while i pretend to sleep i'll dream.

i'll dream of lovely places i would rather be...

i dream of being here with my sissy. in sunny CA. soakin up the winery goodness.
i dream of being here with my besties....a giant hike, taking in the beauty of God's creation, feeling like we are on top of the world!!!!! staring at mr. leif in puerto rico having a cocktail. on the beach.

hiking in the rain forest with my mr.

carying our cocktails in brown paper sacks. because we can. and because we are on vaca.

taking in the vastness of the ocean with my besties....having not a care in the world on our minds

that is what i will dream about when i pretend to dream... while i pretend to sleep.

all are just imaginations in my mind..........

k, i think i'll throw in a stick of gum. surely if i munch on that it will liven me up.

you have to check....

... this out.

my dear sweet friend krista, (aka fab photographer, aka the host of my tuesday night bible study, aka an inspirational momma, aka beautiful person inside and out) took pics of both friday night and sat am of our OAK HILLS WOMEN's RETREAT: "pieces."...........

so go HERE to see her capture the BEST TIME EVER!!!!!!!!!!!rockn'roll, oak hills, rockn'roll.

i HEART my church. so so much.

ps. make sure you pause the music player on my blog and listen to the music with the pictures. cuz it's better that way!

pps. i just ordered a papa johns cheese pizza for delivery. ALL. TO. MYSELF.

i totally feel like kevin from home alone..........should i make a monster ice cream sundae too? and jump on the bed? ohhhhhhhh the things you aspire to do while home alone. (let's just hope i can keep sportin this good attitude about my mr. being gone)

btw........he's out at buffalo wild wings with 'the guys'. yay for him! he had a massively long day, he had to take one of the workers on his project to the E.R. because (warning, graphic) he cut his finger. almost completely off. ouch.

ahhhhhhhhhhh. SO hungry. can i answer the door in my robe when the delivery guy comes? i suppose not. better throw some sweats on.

i am missing...

...mr. leif.

we had such a great weekend together. throughout the last 3 weeks my mind has been all over the place, and i sort of haven't thought much about how much i miss him. this weekend i found myself telling 3 different people that we are doing great! and that it's almost over! and that may will be here before we know it!

and now......

i don't feel any of those things. may seems like an eternity away.

then he left last night.

and i was once again alone in our house. i cranked up the heat and assumed my position on the couch under the blankets. he made me a smoothie before he left, so i slurped that and slowly made my way through the evening until bedtime. this morning, as i woke up, i pouted some more. my house was quiet, no one to share the bathroom with. then i came to work, unmotivated, wishing i was sleeping and not having to work with these needy children.

and then.

i snapped back into reality.

it was almost if someone slapped me in the face. maybe God did. but i suppose He doesn't slap people. He is more of the loving type :) hehe

helllllllo?????? quit pouting.

so. i have realized that the first 6 months were easier then this month. i had a better attitude about him being gone. i prayed for him more. actually........because i like to be transparent, i'll be honest when i say that i haven't really prayed for him much lately at all (other then the basic stuff and that he won't get in a wreck driving to st. louis in the snowy and icy weather)

so in my revelation of my own ridiculousness - (pouting because mr. leif should be home. with me. and not there- building appartments), i decided to get back to business and really pray for him. it helped me before and it will help me again.

i thought i would share with you some ways i am praying. the power of a praying wife is mindboggling. these are tips from a little marriage advice thingy i have at home........

pray with me this week, for your hubbies..........will you?

·Pray that the Lord would give him strength to lead, time to know his family, and a passion to manage his home.

·That the Lord would bless his work and show him daily how to honor You in his attitude and spirit; confirm the work of his hands unto Your purpose

·That your husband will be a wise steward of our finances and all we possess, remembering that all things are Yours and entrusted to us for Your purposes

·That he will love You with all his heart, soul, mind, and strength and hate evil

·That he will be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger

·That the Lord would protect him physically, mentally, and spiritually

·That the Lord would give him the desire to teach and model a godly lifestyle for his children (I can pray this one now since, well, ya know, there is a baby on the way and all...........)

·That the Lord will instruct him and teach him in the way he should go, give him peace in the circumstances and integrity in decisions he must face today

·That he would meditate day and night on Your Word, pray without ceasing and stay faithful to Christ to the end

·That he would develop strong relationships with other godly men

ok. now go PRAY! seriously. it works miracles :)

even if you pick just one thing each day. do it! PRAY!

and instead of nagging or complaining......run into the other room and pray for him.

you won't even feel like nagging on him after you pray.

i've tried it.

and it worked.

:)

he's a good guy.

while i was at the women's retreat {for church}, mr leif was at the store.

i mean, not the whole time, but he did stop there for a bit, to get me some stuff :)

i came home to individualized packages of animal crackers. for my lunches. 

so i can pop them in my mouth throughout the day.  as soon as i stop eating, i feel sick. erg.

clementines. because their citrus goodness somehow does wonders for my tummy. 

cheddar sun chips. i like crunchy stuff.

and then mr. leif showed me his own 'nesting list'. see? look close, that is what he called it :) i guess he has all sorts of projects he has planned to do before the baby comes. ha.
although i didn't think nesting stuff happened until way later in the pregnancy, he is in full nest force.

ok, are you laughing out loud? its ok, you can. i think this is funnier then ever. but it is SO sweet.
mr. leif can nest away. looks like im getting a custom built entertainment center and new countertops out of the deal?

but back to the clementines and crackers.

my sweet sissy had a hand in this. she knew i have not been eating because i feel like puking just walking into my kitchen. so she called him while i was at the women's retreat. and gave him some advice.

so thankful for my big sis.

so thankful for my husband.

have you met my...

...fist pumpin sissy? she did a quadruple fist pump for my good baby news. and gave me some advice.
plus. she puts picutres of gingie on the doubya doubya doubya (www. - the internet, ya know). and i am glad.
because i miss that gingie. and guess what, she kinda has gingie colored hair!?!?!?

when i was little...

...i would do anything to go to a friend's house. it wasn't odd for me to clean my room, pick up the house, clear off the table, put some laundry away, and look around trying to figure out how i could do anything possible so that my mom simply couldn't say 'no' when i begged to go to a friend's house.
i craved friends all day. every day. when i first understood what the word introvert meant, i was so confused at how a person could be like that (obviously now i completely understand that we, as people, are all so beautifully different in our own ways).

but seriously.....i was made to fellowship.
last night i went to our church women's retreat. it was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.

it was filled with........... laughing, chocolate, 3 am, hotel, crying, praying, laughing, chocolate, popcorn, pajamas, snuggling, wise women, sharing, listening, talking, breakfast, late night, laughing, advice, praying, crying, chocolate, hugs, stories

it was like a giant slumber party. filled with amazing women. and the Lord was there. because "where two or three gather in My name, I am there with them." matthew 18:20.

but guess what. the most beautiful part of gathering with these women is that we could bear one another's burdens. because.......in galations 6 God says that if someone is struggling, as a follower of Christ we are called to bear their burden!

it just makes sense. my burden is easier for you to carry, and yours is easier for me to carry. so throwem down sista! let me carry'em for you! ahhhhhhhhhh i totally sound like olympic snowboarder shaun white's coach, "throw it down, and stomp this one"

so go on, get with your girls, share your stuff, and carry theirs. it feels good. it is good. it's what we are called to do. it's what we are made to do.

'hi, my name is lindsey, and i will bear your burden.'

drumroll please.......

........well, i wouldn't say drumroll if i didn't have good news ;)

God is SO so SO good.

"be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." - romans 12:12

new due date - oct 16!

babyleif is not 9 weeks.......but just an itty bitty 6 weeks, they found a heartbeat!

the nausea has been in full force......but bring it on ;)

mr. leif is home today and so am i. we are so happy. we are so thankful. as we walked out of the clinic, he said, "let's go to barnes and noble....i wanna buy me some baby books!" he is so excited. me too.

we celebrated over some breakfast, where we concluded together, that we were ready to accept the challenge of miscarriage if that is what the Lord had planned.....and be thankful for all of our other blessings. it was almost as if God wanted us to find peace before our appointment.

and then we watched the screen and something looked like it was jumping up and down, it was the heartbeat pounding.........it's like finding out we are pregnant all over again! can you say rollercoaster!?!?! (although some of you know i am not good with carnival rides......i got sick at the sutton carnival once) but this crazy rollercoaster has ended beautifully.

bring on the name picking and the nursery decorating and the belly growing. (can i get a tripple fist pump!?!?)

seriously...

...thankyou.

ya know, i used to watch the notebook, just so i could cry. i like to cry. it makes me feel good. of course, i was envisioning me as ally and mr. leif as noah and that we would die together in the same bed when we are like 90. so it was happy cries. but really. i do like to cry. i feel better after a good cry.
ok.
enough about crying....
well, just one more thing.

you guys kinda stepped in as my new 'notebook' this week
wanna know why?

well. after my sad post earlier this week. ive checked and i received 7 comments. eeeeeeek thats the most i have ever received. and every time i read your comments, i cry. but its a good cry, it makes me feel good afterwards. you see, i treat this blog as a journal. because if i don't write....i will start talking to my laundry. yep i did that about a month into mr. leif's project. i talked to the laundry and then to the fridge. but now i journal. and sometimes the journal writes back (that would be you) and that is so lovely. so thank you for the amazing support. God is SO good. and he knows exactly what we need. so thank you for letting Him use you, to help me.

some people say that conversing through email, blogs, etc. isn't healthy for relationships. and that you should really keep things verbal, so you can hear each other and truly listen. nope. not this time. your comments to me were like medicine for my heart :)

so thank you for being such supportive readers.
time to dominate tomorrow. and then friday is here.

its weird. i have had this battle going on in my mind all week, its gone something like this:

• one moment i am sad and pouting and mad and confused and hurt.
• and then the next moment i am like, 'ok, be strong, stop thinking about it, focus on something else'.
• and then the next moment i am like 'no, don't focus on something else, you have every right to cry and dread this long week and wish mr. leif was home'
• and then the next moment i am like 'but that won't get you anywhere. so suck it up and be strong'
• and then i cry and then...........

iiiiiiiiiick its a vicious battle. and its in my head.

ok so this post has turned into something completely random. i intended to make it a simple thank you.........but im not really a simple type of person. i am more of a mess....a hot mess....remember, i add the hot on there for mr. leif ;)

i'll be back..........friday. the big day.

and thank you. from the bottom of my heart.

ps. my sissy is coming to see me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

some news :)

with a title like that,

your guess is probably right on.

yes, yes my dear sweet friends.....we're having a baby :)

{cue:tears of joy}

however, i'm sharing this {probably way to} early, because i'm asking for prayers.

...

mr. leif and i were rejoicing a couple weeks ago.

rejoicing because we found out we're pregnant. it was a friday evening. i was craving a glass of wine, as was mr. leif, but because of womanly circumstances that hadn't taken place.....we thought i should take a pregnancy test, just in case, before we opened our wine ;) well.........YIKES, it said pregnant. we freaked with excitement. last weekend was a lovely weekend.

last tuesday, i saw my dr. who confirmed the pregnancy and put me at 7 weeks and a few days, making my due date september 28! wowza!

but......with sudden signs of miscarriage on thursday, i went in for an early ultrasound friday, 3 days ago.

no heartbeat.
at 7 weeks, there should have been a heartbeat.

the rather rude ultrasound lady concluded that there is a small chance i am just not at 7 weeks yet, but instead 4-5 weeks. but with the signs of miscarraige, we need to come in soon for another ultrasound, to see what's going on.

so, a week later, this friday, we go back. that is just weird. a week later. seriously?

what? i have to wait a week until we can check again?
how am i supposed to go about my life?

am i still supposed to be excited about my baby?
how can i not worry about the dreadful news i might hear?
am i supposed to be worried that there is no longer a baby?
how do i know if this is a version of morning sickness...or the feeling of miscarriage?
am i supposed to think positively?
why have i been so focused on the negative?
am i supposed to try and figure out a solution?
why can't i fix this problem?

i know the answer those questions.
so i'll wait.
i'll wait to see what His plan is, and i'll pray. i'll pray that His plan and my plan match up.
and if they don't, i will cry and listen to music with my eyes closed. a lot. and then i'll pray in thankfulness that His plan is better than my plan.

i've never wished my weekend to go so fast, ever. but i wished for it to fly by so mr. leif can come back next thursday night and we can await our appointment friday morning.

i write all of this, as i think to myself ....why, in the world, are you sharing this with your readers....it's sort of weird and too early to share??? but it's not for me. i like to share with the people i love. it's who i am. i don't keep things in. i share. and i am sharing now because i am asking for your prayers. in the 'old days' this whole situation would have been a secret. a secret between mr. leif and i. but for me, it's healthy to unload things into others' ears. and right now, it's easiest to do it writing in this blog.

and more thanks. thanks for praying for us, and for our week to fly by. i just want to know if i need to move on, or if i can still dream of my summer being a beached whale by the pool :)

......please pray for the latter option :)

ok. ok. no more pouting around. i can't stand this. it's a holiday and we didn't have school today.
normally i would be creating something for my house, rearranging, cleaning, or organizing.... so. even though i have spent the first 4 good hours of this day on the couch, eating a cinnamon roll, pouting............i'm getting up to do something productive :)

sometimes i think...

...God gives us signs.
because, this morning i looked out the window into our backyard and saw 6 bright ruby red cardinals...sitting in the snowy tree.
now ya don't just see those red birds everyday, and ya don't always see them in packs of 6....so i'm chalkin up this rare occasion as a sign from God that today is going to be a beautiful day :)
you see...it is that lovely time of year called parent-teacher conferences.

we had them after school from 4:30 to 8:30 last night.

and we have them again from 11am-8:00 tonight.

not until 11:00....11:00am, people!!! that means i am sitting in my warm house eating honey toast...and looking at red birds. and its only 9:30am! i could totally get used this!

when i am asked to go to attend a conference, it's not a 'nice' conference...it's usually for some behavior problem or suspicion of negative parenting that could use some tips... so conferences are usually pretty yucky for me. But, i'm ready to do this. AND....i have so much grace for all those teachers, having back to back conversations with parents. it SO wears you out.

ok.........gotta go blow dry my hair......... i decided that i shouldn't have day 3 hair for conferences, time to get professional :)

because my sissy is so busy...

...with gingie, i will post this picture that i have been begging her to blog about.

i love her little church outfit. i can brag about by neice right?!?!? i mean, that's what being an aunt is all about, right?!?!?!
it's normal that little charlotte is taking over my blog this week, right?!?!?
it's totally not freaky that i change my desktop backgroundto a new picture of her every 3 days, right?!?!?!?

i thought so. i knew i was in the clear.
i missssssssssss my sissy.

and ps...

i had a 5th grade girl come in today and she said....

"ok, so i need some tips, i like this guy and i want to make a good impression, but i told someone else i liked him and they blabbed it all over 5th grade, and now my love life is ruined."

hehehehe, oh the drama of 5th grade love :) she then later said.....

"and do you have any tips for eye shadow? like what colors would go good with me? i tried to put yellow and red on for the KC Chiefs but it didn't look good...."

so i kindly gave her some more subtle eye shaddow ideas.... and thanks to years and years of advice from this girl, i would have probably sported the Chief's colors on my eyelids too! thanks sis :)

skyping just doesn't give you...

...the full effect.

but with gingie, it's my only choice.
here are some of the skype 'snapshots' i've been taking during our conversations the last couple of weeks.

while skyping my sissy, i try capture things like...

• drool
• chubby cheeks
• smiles
• spit bubbles
• chubby cheeks
• soft little lippies
• wet, red ruby lippies
• chubby little goodness all over the place
• and lately she sings to me.

i heart baby charlotte. heaps and heaps.

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek. i could stare at these photos all day. so could grammy linda :)

last week...

...was good.
as i have referenced before...we are taught to pray, "give us this day our daily bread." well....last week God didn't just give me my daily bread, He gave me a whole LOAF!
i know... i know...
now you are thinking, what? do you like, really obsess over bread? are you some sort of carb freak? what do you put on your bread? (honey, now that you ask) do you toast your bread? (yes, i do)
but really.
God knew that i needed His mercies, and I needed them bad :)
last week was school counselor appreciation week. throughout the week i was blessed with letters, notes, books, posters, and gifts. and to top it off, my principal of whom i adore, gave me and mr. leif a movie theater gift card (can i get a fist pump!?!?) and she hung up all my posters and layed my cards out nicely on thursday night. they were just forming a big pile from the week. so when i walked into my office friday morning, it was gloriously organized. i like my principal, she is sweet.
so...without further ado....here is a glimpse into my loaf of bread that God gave me :) hehe

i love how the Lord provides. His mercies are new every morning.

and. i love that the kindergartners like my clothes and my dresses :) hey, if i can't teach them that 'hands are not for hitting' then i can at least teach them some fashion tips, ey!?!?! (can i get a double fist pump!??!?)

10 years ago tonight...........

..............mr. leif asked me to be his girlfriend.

feb. 4 was 'our anniversary'. i remember the whole night like it was yesterday. but i won't bore you with those details :)

i kinda miss those crazy dating days.

i like to reminisce back to life when my biggest concern was if mr. leif would come to my locker in between classes, or if mr. leif would come talk to me at lunch, or if mr. leif would watch my hurdle race, or if mr. leif would call me...................and then when he did, i would get the most amazing rush in my heart :)

my mom liked to say we were just friends, even up until our wedding day, but i know in my heart i loved him long before we were married. it was young love.

its so cool to look back and see how much our relationship has changed, grown, and become so intertwined with the Lord.

today mr. leif remembered how special february 4 was to us and still is :)
he remembered all by himself.

i know he remembered because this was waiting for me in the office today at school

special thanks to one of the first graders at my school, josselin, for taking this picture of me :)

with this note:

"I think it's been 10 years, right?

Love, Casey"

man......i could go back to being fun, crazy, responsibility-less, 15 in a flash.

it goes to show ya.....

.....life isn't always the fairy tale we make it out to be :)

but we can defnitely make it our own version of fairy tale if we try :)

so in response to my previous post about the beautiful invitation from mr. leif...........

here is why mr. leif and i had a date of imperfections........but it was perfect for us:

• on my way home from work on friday i started feeling yucky......i had a headache and just felt blah.
• mr. leif didn't get to leave as early as he tried so he didn't make it home until 7:45. (not a biggie at all...........i was just finishing up getting ready when he walked in)
• mr. leif took me to a fabulous restaraunt, cafe trio, where they messed up on my order and our cheesecake was kinda frozen.
• i couldn't even finish my glass of wine because i started feeling even more icky.
• so our date was over.

butttttttttttt............................

• mr. leif is my romeo and he brought me home, i put my jammies on, and he was at my service. he takes good care of me when i don't feel good, heck, he takes good care of me even when i do feel good ;)

we both agreed that being home, together, after 12 days.......was better then any fancy smancey date or cute clothes or cute ruby lips could ever be :)

ps, i brough my camera to the restaraunt but didn't fee like taking a single pic.

and pss.......i left my purse at cafe trio too. we were soooooooo meant to stay home, weren't we!?!?!

all in all, i heart my mr. leif and i really hearted his invitation :)

last night...

i watched one tree hill at 10:00 last night. i dvr'd it, so i could catch it later when i had time. it was my attempt to prove to myself that i still live a normal life....
........one where i can sit down on the couch and disengage from work or school
........one where i can enjoy a bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup
........one where i can live vicariously through haley and and nathan scott, whose only problems are that haley's sister has moved in....which in my life would be a glorious celebration.
unfortunately, I watched one tree hill just like i do everything else, in fast forward. yes, I fast forwarded (is that a word?) through the commercials, but also through parts that seemed unimportant to the plot....i was in a hurry....in hurry to get back to my homework......in fact when the show was over, it was almost a relief. it was as if i could check off "relax" on my list of things to do......yet i didn't relax........ you can go ahead and laugh at me now, i am a mess:) a hot mess