16 weeks.

i'm 16 weeks today. yay :)

last night i ran a 5K.......

..........in my dream.

no, seriously. like start to finish.

i even remember thinking,
"man i'm tired, but my butt is burning, and maybe its getting firmer, so i am going to push through it til the end"

at one time, i was running next to a girl i know (who's an avid exerciser) and i thought
"oh, im not gonna let her beat me" - so i kicked it in high gear.

when i was finished, i thought
"wow! this wasn't that bad, the whole running while pregnant thing, i need to do it more!"

then i woke up.
and realized, i didn't actually run.

hmmmmmmmm, was this crazy dream because my butt has grown just as much as my stomache? and it buggs me?
probably so.

seriously, i will never need a booty pop. mine is and always has been poppin. and i would like to give some of it away to help others pop theirs.

rather, i need this, well not right now cuz my belly is not gonna fit, but later, after im done with preg, when i still have my booty. POP!

and because i really need a laugh today, its only thursday, and i need it to be friday.......

should i get one of these for the babe and i??

i think mr. leif could totally sport it too?!?!

ps.

click here to view my school, washington elementary getting a visit from the KC Chief's D-Line.

if you watch closely, around minute 2:00, you can see me (aqua sweater and navy skirt), behind the kid who's jumproping, in the upper right corner of the video.

you can only see me for a brief moment but you will know its me cuz i start doin some gangsta dance while rappin to ludacris. cuz i wanted da brothas from da chiefs to know that mrs. leif knows whats up. that im all fly n stuff. yo yo yo........wussssssssup!!!!!!?

and mr. pence, our amazing pe teacher, and a fellow believer (its great to work with christians!!!) gets to speak on the video! go matt!!! (ps, i may or may not be trying to hook mr. leif and mr. pence up as friends, i think they would totally hit it off, and they've hung out a couple times so far, yayayay!!! - and mr. pence's fiancee is this cute little blonde that is fun, and is also a believer, and she likes wine. HELLO!!!! we totally need to be friends)

we've actually been in the news alot. for our annual Science Night and cuz we be sendin kids to Space Camp !!! its great to be workin at 'the WASH'...........but it does require lots of energy, whoooooooofta!

all of the sudden.......

.........it feels real.

today, when i got home there was a big envelope stuffed in my mailbox.....baby leif's first gift. rockn'roll!!!!!!!!!

it was from my bestie boo sam. i love her.

and i think she is just as excited about baby leif as i am, and as care is :)

anyways......

this semester has been crazy busy, and i live alone, and haven't seen my friends too much lately, so baby leif doesn't really get any attention - therefore - unless mr. leif is home sometimes it doesn't feel like there is really a baby coming!!!!!!!!!

that might sound weird, but im just really being honest.

my tum is totally showing, so its not that i dont look down and realize im preg.

ive felt so crappy, so its not like i dont feel preg.

but, it just hasn't hit me, until now.

until tonight.

when i opened this package.

eeeeeeeeek. baby leif's first outfit, and its so tiny!!!!!

i think i took a million pictures of it, because i was hopping around the house and squealling all alone.

with no one to share in my joy, i texted a bunch of pics to mr. leif.......

and then thought

"hmmm, i'll share it with my blog world" (whoever it is that reads this crazy thing!)

so.

here it is

i already have it planned out, if its a........

girl - she totally can wear some red or black leggings with it, or a skirt?

boy - he could sport a red beanie, and how bout some sweat bands?!? haaadee ha ha

well........i guess that it wasn't technically the babe's first gift. my momma did bring down this wittle wabbit for the babe's easter gift ;) awwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!

ok. thanks for helping me be excited :)

and thanks sammy, for being my dose of grace today. i needed it. i love you.

and thanks momma, for the wabbit. i love you too.

ewe's not fat.........

......ewe's fluffy.

on the first day of school, about 5 years ago, she wore a shirt.

it had a big fluffy lamb on the front.

it said, "ewe's not fat, ewe's fluffy"

and i laughed. and i loved. and she made my heart glad.

oh i missssssssss her!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ive got some massive heartburn, so i cant sleep, so im going through old pictures from my college days, and i found this of merriam

she was my FAVE. i was in her classroom during my junior year.

i wished it was longer.
teachers shouldn't have faves, but i did with her.

merry (i gave her that nickname) wore fancy church shoes to school and they would click down the hallway as she walked. her shoes didn't fit her very well, nor did they match her worn and sometimes dirty clothing, but she always fancied herself in cute shoes.

i miss merry.

i wish i could give her a squeeze. she loved to be hugged.

its what the french call.........

........a fry.

and i spotted it, shriveled up in my cup holder this morning on my way to work.
goodness, did i really order a large order of fries the other day.
yep.

glancing to the right i notice a noodles n co bag.
goodness, did i eat there again!?!?
double yep.

glancing even more to the right, i see 3 hotties joggin with their pony tail's floppin, and their toned legs movin. of course they also were sportin some cute pink shorts and a nice little workout top.
goodness, am i really feeling jealousy?
tripple yep.

i hate jealousy.
and when your pregnant its easy to be jealous, or at least it is for me.
im surrounded by tan little beauties, rockin some sweet summer swag. (i dont even know if that is the proper use of swag, but i had to use it, and in this instance, swag means clothes)

but never fear............because..........
"I lift up my eyes to the hills--where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth." Ps.121:1-2

and when jealousy strikes, i know that.........
"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones." - Proverbs 14:30

interesting how each day is a struggle, huh!?
its ok though, each day is a new day, and remember.......today's struggles are for today. tomorrow's struggles will come tomorrow. and our Father gives us grace for each day.

good thing today's dosage of grace came through mr. leif.
he brought me lunch. hes home in KC today and tomorrow.
this week is not his last week away..............so next week will hopefully be, but his whole 'last week away' is ever-changing these days, ohhhh......the joys of his job (sarcasm) :)

heck,
at least its really challenging my patience,
and for the most part. im rockin' it. the whole being patient thing. BOOOOOOOOO-YAH.
and also.
i will totally take a 3 day week away over a 5 day week.

and
you wanna know what? (your supposed to say what). for lunch he brought me houlihans.
they made me a grilled cheese (cuz its the only thing that sounded edible),
and
you wann know what?
grilled cheeses aren't even on their menu. they just whipped it up in their kitchen for me.
so, that was totally a second shot of grace.
thanks God :)

mr. leif's favorite.....

......song.

the other day, he said to me, "linds, look up a song called 'brother's keeper', its my new favorite".

so i looked it up.
well, i found out that its actually called "hold us together" by matt maher.
i totally fell in love with the song too.
and then i re-fell in love with mr. leif.
it melts my heart that this is his current favorite song.

k, i need to give you some history.
back when we were first dating, we drove to hastings a lot - to go see movies and eat at runza.
i discovered early on that mr. leif liked weird music (or so i thought). stuff like pearl jam.

now i thought that i had the best music taste ever.
i mean, when i wanted to get pumped up for a vball, or bball game, we would shake it to luda or something naughty and rap-like.
when i wanted to dream of mr. leif i would listen to country.
and when i wanted to beller out and have some worship time in my car, i would bust out the sonic flood.

we didn't discuss music very much, because i learned very quickly that we had different tastes.
you see, i specifically remember being in his green monte carlo, on highway 6, hearing him say "i hate country, i will never like it"

...then low and behold, a few years later, i do believe we found ourselves at a kenney chesney concert. and mr. leif even owned a few country cd's :) (notice the change?!?!?!)

...then i very slowly introduced him to christian music. i think for many people new to christian music, it seems kinda weird. but soon, very soon, it will begin to move you. and before you know it you are bellerin out to k-love in your car, and if its a real good one, you might even get tears :) yes it moves you. well, it moves me, this i know.

...a few years go by (which is about 3 years ago), and guess what station is totally programed into his #2 button. K-LOVE! i didn't do it people, he totally set that. boooooooo-yah.

...a couple road trips back to NE and i suddenly realize, we can beller out TOGETHER while we listen to K-LOVE :) (i can't believe i am telling you this, he might be embarrassed, but i am typing this out of complete love and adoration of my husband)

...and now, he is literally spoutin out 'this is my favorite song' when referring to a christian contemp song.........heck, he is so great. he has totally transformed as a music lover. and i love it.

k, now. back to business.

so this song.

you HAVE to listen to the words. its beautiful.
and mr. leif is one of the most humble men i know.
and it makes my heart so happy that he would pick THIS song, with THESE lyrics, to be his current fave.

i hope k-love plays it 57 times on his way home from st. lou-eeey on friday afternoon.
actually maybe i should call in a little dedication!?!?! hahahhaaha

push pause on my music player :)



k, so you listened to it once. intently reading the lyrics. and smiling.
now.
this time, listen to it again, BLAST the volume and dance. and of course smile.
i know i did. in fact......its what i'll do now :)

celeb spotting......

..........in the OP?? (overland park, yo)

yep. last friday night, mr. leif and i went to a beautiful wedding reception -(we didn't make it in time to the ceremony, cuz the mr. was driving back from st. lou-eey)
a friend of mine from work got hitched :)
and, her hubby went to highschool and has since kept in touch with paul rudd.

its ok, you can say it, who's paul rudd? cuz that's what i did.
during the ceremony, i had lots of coworkers texting me
"lindsey, paul rudd is HERE!!!!"
and then i would turn to mr. leif, and say the followling (while stuffing my face with cheese balls from culvers, as we drive around nice neighborhoods drooling at houses, waiting for the reception to start):

• "who is paul rudd?"
• "is he an athlete?, he must be an athlete cuz i've never heard of him."
• "oh you need to know this case, its gotta be an athlete and now you are going to be embarassed cuz you don't know who paul rudd is!!!"

well.

turns out. we googled him on my phone and, HELLO, he is totally an actor, and quite famous.

you see, we aren't the best (mr and i) with the names of actors, other then the real real real famous ones. but we have definitely seen Knocked Up, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall, and The 40-Year-Old Virgin, and Anchorman, and.........he's in all of those!!!!

so he is quite famous. and im totally out of the loop with names of actors. (heck, i thought he was related to one of the rudd brothers who played husker fball)

paul rudd. the one on the left silly!!!!!!!

this photo is from the movie 'knocked up'. cuz i didn't wanna be like the million shrieking ladies, at the reception, taking pics and pics and more pics of paul. seriously ladies. he's married. we are at someone elses wedding, i mean, with all due respect.... :)

but really i don't have a photo. so you could technically think my celeb spotting is all a hoax. but its not. i saw him. a celeb. in the OP.

i do however have a quick snappy of mr. leif and i.

weddings make me happy.

they make me think of ours. it was fun :)

now onto a more serious note. my dreadful morning sickness, that lasts all day.

in relation to my side note from yesterday (last night's) post, i definitely have a history of getting motion sick, having major nausea, and in fact throwing up while on carnival rides (ahemmm, dustin schoneberg - jr. high)

see?

here's me. in new zealand, with ce.

lauren captured this beauty.

i've got those nice little wrist band thingies cuz i was feeling weeeeezy on her dad's yacht.

yep. i said yacht. we were just sailing around NZ on a yacht, no big deal :)

she's only....

...30 minutes away!

who? my sweet friend carrie :)
she's a friend from my hometown!! her sweet husband joe has landed their family in Lawrence, KS - so close to me!!!!!!!!! rock chalk care!!!

i got to FINALLY go visit her last week. and WHAT a treat :)

and soon she will have a blog (right care!?!?) and then you can meet, ahemmm 'stalk' her!

it's amazing how you can catch up with someone - like you just saw them yesterday.
and i completely attribute that to how much you have in common with that person.

you see, i believe at the foundation of a true and lasting friendship is the common belief that you share with someone. you know, your faith.

its so nice to be so open and truth telling with a dear friend about such important topics.

it seems like it only took us 5 minutes ..........and we were having deep conversations about marriage and striving to be good wives,
about moving and being away from family,
about decorating and crafts,
about being a mommy (and carrie totally ROCKS at the momma role),
and of course, about her adorable sweet baby stella.

Our lovely conversations moved from the super cozy abode her, joe, and stella abide in, including some very crucial time spent stella's closet........down to the famous 'mass street' for a quick dinner and some window shopping :)

in fact, it was SUCH a GREAT time, that the only negative thing that passed through my mind, as i SO joyously reflected on our time as i drove back home, was the fact that i only took 3 pictures.
boo, what was i thinking? next time care........watch out!

of course..........the window shopping gets real tempting when you stroll up to baby gap.
so we went it.
and ooooooo'ed and aaaaaaaah'ed for a while. i put three stuffed animals in the stroller (because i seem to go overboard like that, when entertaining babies),
and then we dressed her up.......in shades!!!


ok, i snapped one with the dorky tag stickin out. but i think it totally adds character: ) .......and then as we started our stroll back to the car, we realized one of the stuffed bunnies was still in stella's stroller!!!!!!! (turns out this is stella's 2nd offense of the thievery category!!!) don't worry though, our reaction time was quick.

i sprinted back to the gap.

and the lady said, "wow!!, thanks for actually returning it!!!"

what the heck, people, do mom's really steal from baby gap??? ahhhhhhhhh what's happening to our society!!!!!!! hehehe......

so.......thanks carrie. for a most wonderful little road trip to your place :)
i am super excited for our summer and meeting you at the pool!!!!!!! - it will be like the old days when we lifeguarded together, all. summer. long!!!!!!........except, unfortunately, there will be no sweet treat across the street - no wondermalts, and no cheeseballs.

and because i was super adhd while in baby gap (dreaming of the GIRL i totally think i need to have) i totally didn't get a normal picture of the momma and her babe........so here is momma carrie in action :)

PS
the monday manday will come tonight - i need to be at home to complete the task........and so, ya know........ you can check back later for that :)

PPS - this MAY be mr. leif's LAST week away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i wont know until like wednesday or thursday. why does the weekend suddenly feel like an eternity away? i mean, i waited 10 months, whats 5 days!?!?!?!

wanna come for coffee?

if i actually liked coffee.

and if i could have you over for a morning chat,

i would tell you that i'm.....

• ........ready for the school year to wrap up. its that mid-april feeling of WOW these kids need a summer break........and so do the teachers. for all you mom's out there, i am sure you can imagine what its like to be surrounded by rambunctious kids all day. especially when most of them are so hooked on video games, that making it through the school day is practically impossible. a human, a human teacher can never equate to a video game where you can "blow up stuff" and "smash everyone" and "shoot'em" - yep straight out of the mouths of babes........ (can you tell i am NOT a video game advocate!?!?!?)
• ......NOT missing mr. leif. as i mentioned on mondoay.....he is here m-w this week!!!!! he goes back to his job thursday and friday of this week. but hopefully he will only have a couple weeks left. and then hes home for GOOD. praise THE LORD. literally. can i get at least 8 fist pumps?!?!? come on, clench your fist, now raise up, and quick! pull it back down. now do it 7 more times.
• ........so proud of my man. he has been working so hard on our house projects. and hes been such a good husband. and he's been so far from home for 10 months and he has the best attitude about it all :) i love him. and i think he will be a good dad. (because if he can put up with me.........then a kid should be a cinch)
• .........actually proud of myself. i am on top of my school work. although i am majorly in the burnout phase of this most HORRIBLE semester of my life, i feel good about the 3 weeks that are left. but don't expect me to have this new found peaceful attitude in a week.........then finals hit. UCKY. my 3 large final projects, that are nicely written VERY confusingly in our syllabus, have been glaring at me for a while now.
• ...........so happy because we had a successful garage sale last week. i made about $160!!!!! and i NEVER EVER have cash -i'm on a debit card only rule, so mr leif can track my spending when he does our budgets :) ............... and now i have a whole wad of it!!!! what should i buy?!?!?! im thinking about saving it and then going to get my nails done or a pedicure and maybe a hair trim - as a end of semester celebration in may. but i don't know if i can wait that long. i think it will totally burn a hole in my pocket!!! check out my G-Sale mates below :)

me and my gang :) kt - the banker, and me the snacker, and colette the clothes organizer

• .........loving the HOT weather. i mean seriously. its been like 80+ degrees for the last week. if only i had time to sit outside and soak up the sun. i tried to tan on my deck last sunday afternoon. but after 15 minutes there were 3 giant bumble bees swarming and i scurried back inside. quick. those things freak me out.
• ...........feeling a bit indifferent about the weight gain that comes with pregnancy. it is definitely a different experience to start seeing that number bumb up and up and up on the scale. i might have to get rid of the scale. or ask mr leif to hide it from me. but dont worry. it didnt stop me from getting a large order of fries last night.
• ...........wondering when my afternoon/evening sickness will stop. i don't, nor ever did have, morning sickness. nope. mine kicks in about 4:00 and then doesnt really get better until i fall asleep. no matter what i eat or drink. and im into week 14 this week so i was hopin it would skeeedattle by now. but oh well. my needs are now on the backburner and will be for the next 50 years......... bring on those needy children :)
• ...........a bit sore in the jaw area. i chew a lot of gum. and my jaw hurts a lot.
• ...........wishing for tan legs. and arms. i don't think i've ever spent the month of april being this white before. good thing i can't fit into any of my shorts or skirts. that would be blinding.

ok. gotta run....... well not really. im actually gonna drive to get a snack and then on to class. and then home at 9:00 to mr. leif!!!! yay!!!! no scary dark house to come home to. love it.

adios.

how the heck do we choose a...........

............name.

• some page through baby name books.
• some go straight to the Bible and grab one of the more popular names there. (matthew, mark, luke and john?!?! ruth?? martha??? mary??)
• some choose from their grandmothers or grandfathers (leona!?!??!?!) (lois!?!?!?)
• some pick their husband's name, and tack on a "jr." (casey jr. HAHAHAHAH)
• some spend hours and hours contemplating (ME ME ME)
• some have had it picked out since they were 16 and sitting on the lifeguard chair dreaming of baby names (you DONT wanna know the list i have from my lifeguarding days....guess what i'm FINALLY over Lilly?!?!?!)
• some pray and pray that the Lord would guide them in choosing a name (trying to do more of that)
• some may pick something so random and odd, just so no one will ever 'copy' it. (apple?)

oh, there's that phrase..........copy it.

copy it.

copy it??????

and that's where i am stuck.

you see..........mr. leif and i really have NOT done a thing to prepare for the babe to come yet. i mean, i have done some internet browsing on the miracle nursery i hope to create. but that is all.
well, i did search craigslist a couple weeks ago for an old crib i could paint. and then i lost interest.

but the one thing we have discussed. A LOT. is names.........

our girls list is set (for now,until we add or change it again)

our boys list. ugh. we can't seem to agree on much. the two we can KINDA agree on are ones that mr. leif doesn't really like. and 2 of the names he does like, are already reserved by close people/friends in my life. and the 3rd one is already used.

so back to my phrase from earlier: copy it.

when do you draw the line? i mean come on......... how many stacie's and sarah's and ashley's and megan's and jennifer's and john's and michael's and josh's and tyler's and ......... do we know from our growing up days?? i mean heck, i just went through my contacts and i have 5 ellie's, 4 emily's, 3 jenni's, 4 jessica's, 5 katie's, 4 laura's, 4 amanda's, 6 megan's. do you think any of their mom's got mad at each other for "stealing" their name?

so i face a dilemma. i want to honor mr. leif's choices. especially since he pretty much agreed to all my girl names (except luna, olive, and haven). how can i disagree with EVERY boy name he likes, just because i might be "stealing" or "copying" someone's name choice for their child they will have in the future, or in one of our choices, a name that has already been given?

also. its a struggle when i have all these different groups of friends. church friends. nebraska friends. college friends. kansas city friends. book club friends. work friends. wine club friends. cousins. sisters. neighbors. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH how can i NOT replicate a name?!?!?!

and........because i always have and always will be a 'sharer' of almost everything personal in my life.

i give you:
our current list of names.

minus mr. leif's 3, i dont know if i am strong enough to unveil those yet.........there goes that DREADED people pleaser in me again. humph.

oh and these are in NO NO NO particular order - heck, it was hard enough making the list, i don't have them prioritized yet, and they will probably change soon...........

girls -
lucy (bringer of light)
nora (light)
olivia (peace)

boys -
jude (praised)
oliver (peace)

ok..........i'd really like some help.......can you copy names?? or is it "stealing"??????

tonight....

....i had a knock on the door.
rather, it was more like a pound.

1st instinct..........freak out.
2nd instict..........get real, breathe, relax.
3rd instict..........go answer the door silly, its only 5:25 and a boogy man won't come in the day light, so its probably a neighbor or something.

so...........
i open the door.

and then i FREEEEEEAAK OUT!!!!

cuz. guess who it was........

(you'll find out tomorrow)



















jk. it was MR LEIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i laughed for like 5 minutes straight (good ab workout)

he knew all along, all weekend long that he wasnt leaving today. he played it cool........
there were so many signs that made it seem like EVERY other sunday night for the last 1o months, so many signs that made it seem like he was, in fact, leaving again in the morning.....
he asked me for my grocery list

went got me groceries last night (its his sunday night routine, he's so sweet)

we watched our sunday night shows

we both engaged in our whiny sunday night convo about how we cant wait for him to be home

he spoke to baby leif, telling 'him' that daddy will be home soon, and to bare with his needy momma (he thinks its a him)

he packed his bag for the week

he said his sweet goodbyes this morning

he answered his phone when i called to see if he made it safe, and he LIED telling me he was still on the way, and that he had hit some traffic

and then. he suprised me.

:)

turns out, he spent the day at the office..........he's such a FAKER!!!!!!!!!!!

hes gonna be home until thursday. he only has to leave thursday and friday this week. halleluja :) and then next week MIGHT BE HIS LAST WEEK

but. im not gettin my hopes up. ya never know with construction........project managers have to be there until the last little thing is checked off the list........so like i said, im not getting my hopes up yet. but eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the thought of him coming home makes me want to jump up and down and pee my pants (threw that one in there for you liza).

oh and i am totally doing like 43 fist pumps because his next project is starting like now. and its HERE in KC!!!!!!!!!!! and i can't wait to bombard him with lunch dates this summer :) its like i will be the crazy pregnant lady, stalking him. jk. i will definitely get his permission first, helloooooooo!?!? but still, i will probably ask him every morning if he wants to have a picnic over his lunch break. and then i can wear a minxy housewife dress to the park and meet him there.

so, what the heck am i doing!?!? wasting time in the internet.........i gotta go! time to hang out with my hubby!!!!!!!!!!!!

ps. i didn't go to class tonight. i totally had a reason, right!?!?!

thou shalt not covet...

...thy neighbor's TREE

but it's SOOOO beautiful??? and SOOOO flowery??? and SOOO pink??? and SOO lovely???

and i WANT ONE in my front yard. and one in my backyard.

......or thy sister's baby, for that matter

but she's SOOO squishy!?!? and those lippies?!??! and her cheekies!?!?!?!

:)

what are your weaknesses?

.....that question is one of the dreaded ones that will often pop up in a job interview.
*side note - i am not interviewing for a different job.

i remember panicking as i prepared for my first job interview in college as i tried to figure out what to say to that answer.

i mean, its not like you are going to expose anything that horrible to a possible future boss. are they crazy!?!?!?

but. it must be answered. because DUH, no one is perfect :)

so what do i say? well.......i am actually very honest.
my worst quality is that i am a people pleaser.

like, HARDCORE people pleaser. i can stress myself out to the max trying to please everyone around me. and what is the result? it makes me less of an indivual. less of a unique person. because i am constantly trying to say, do, and act in manners that make people like me. actually i want them to adore me.

and i hate it.

with every job i have had. i practically get sick when i put in my two weeks notice. even those silly college jobs.
with every job i have had..........i try to make everyone smile, actually i like it best when i can make them laugh. and when they aren't smiling, im worried that i need to do something to help them.
when i send emails, they always have smiley faces and exclamations. i want the receivers, here at work, to know that this email was sent with a smile! a caring smile!
i strive to make everyone think i am always at the top of my game. never doing anything less but the best, 100% of the time. (and that is NEVER NEVER NEVER the truth) because i can't. its totally impossible. and wanting them to think that is so foolish and actually its not a very truthful desire. why would i want someone to believe something that isn't true?? shame on me!

so.
with all that said.
all that ugliness.

i had a case of the people pleaser totally take over me these last few weeks.

in the beginning of march, i accepted a summer nanny position. full time. for two kids.
they live on a lake, a golf course community, and the possibility of water and sun and tans and 2 cute kids was tugging on me like crazy. hello AWESOME opportunity here!!! and the pay was fanatastic. extra cash in my pocket for baby stuff? totally, yes.

and then mr. leif started to speak his wisdom into my half shut ears.
"please slow down this summer"
"this is your last summer without any kids until we are like 50"
"why are you going to work full time when you finally have a summer off in your master's program?"
"its not worth the money"
"i think you should consider teacher summer school like you did last year"

so.
those opinions from mr. leif began to resinate in my mind. week after week. and they festered at my conscience. and i began to feel guilty. guilty for the kids i would be watching - i wasn't excited to spend time with them?? i was pepped up for the sun tan and for the money. whoops.
and what the heck?!?! i have a giant list of crafty projects that i want to do this summer??? when will i do them now!?!?!?

but. NOOOOO. i already committed, i can't say NO now???? i can't back out????? they will be crushed. they will be angry. they will be hurt. they will be mad at me. i will have let them down.

who is them and they??? a family that i met once. and i was seriously freaking out for 2 weeks about how i would tell them my summer plans have changed.

so finally. on monday. i did it. i emailed the mom. and boy did i write the longest email ever explaing how sorry i was and how horrible i felt backing out on them.

the mom called almost immediately and i couldn't answer because i was at work.
her voicemail was like a slap in the face.
but a good slap.

she was so sweet. she wished me the best with the baby and whatever is to come.......

seriously people. i worried for a month about this dumb thing.

but, boy does it feel good to have it taken care of.

and now, i'll be teachin' summer school for 5 weeks. just in the mornings.
yay.

mr. leif is happy.
i am happy.
and the family of whom i thought i was ruining their life is also happy. ( i mean they do have 2 more months to find a replacement!!!)

ok.
that's all.
just a little venting about my one of my (many) weaknesses. my people pleasing epidemic.

i've been battling with this whole idea of...

...being content.

like, truly content. content from within.
and i will preface this post with the statement that contentment is a life-long battle.
at least for me.

ok so you know when you were a child in sunday school or bible school or school school or maybe your amazing parents taught you about this..........regardless of where, you learned about the putting on the armor of God.......
and that you have a belt of truth buckled round your waist, and a breastplate of righteousness in place, and your feet are fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace and the shield of faith and the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

ok. well in my battle with contentment.........i have just really been slicin things up with my sword. seriously though.......its like i wipped out my sword and have totally stabbed this contentment argument (which is constantly going on in my mind) right in the chest. HA-gottcha.

so......to help you better understand, to explain to you my sudden new feeling of CONTENTMENT!!!!!! - to give you a window into my brain (but i'll warn you, i think too much, and over analyze, and study, and observe, and am constantly thinking......and contemplating.......it is quite scary in my brain) - you can read the discussion below. but seriously. it's vicious. and you might get a headache.

for the past year (actually my whole life) i have battled with my issue of not being content. but really, its more of a question i am always asking myself. am i not content?

• or is it that i thrive on change?
• or am i just super motivated?
• or do i have some form of adhd - like 'constantly thinking of new ideas adhd'?
• or have i not tasted the simple life so i just don't know what i am missing?

oh wait........i really do crave the simple life. i want it so bad. i want to quit my job. and say who cares about my master's degree. i want to stay home with my own kids, and not try to solve the problems of the 473 kids at school. but then.........yikes i spent all this time and money on my degree(s). would it be a waste? will i come back to counseling when my kids are grown? should i get a different job? if i finally found the perfect job would i stop wondering what i wanted to do next and just be content with that job forever? should i be a hairstylist? my sister has so much fun with that job, shouldn't i have more fun at work? why is it that 3 nights a week, every week i have something going on? can't i just come home? or is this just life? is life just always busy? oh i bet it is......and i bet i just need to get used to it? should we move - it would be fun? like move move-to a warmer place? or move back home? who's gonna watch my baby if i go back to work? can't we live by family? we miss our ne friends, should we move closer to them? we love our kc friends, wouldn't we be sad to leave them? oh that's just life right? should we just stay in our house and try harder soak up the simple life? oh the simple life. same house for at least 5 years, stay home, make dinner, clean, play with babies........sounds nice. sounds really nice. i want that. yes. that is what i want!! can i have it now? can i quit work? how soon? can we live off of one salary? can i give up my spending on things we dont absolutely need? does money ever buy me happiness?

now. a little self-disclosre. i like self-talk. a lot.
maybe it's because i have been living alone for the first time in my life, for a year, and ive learned to talk to myself (actually i have self-talked long before this year). i talk myself through stuff.......in my mind and sometimes outloud. when i am in the workroom at school, teachers make fun of me (i dont mind) because i will literally say outloud, 'ok, grab some pink paper, now some green, and then ok.....cut it in half........and then what next, oh yeah, go mail my letter, and then hmmmmm ok use the bathroom and stop by kathy's desk). now you might think its a sign of getting old. but i like to do it. and there always a million things going on in my mind. and i am always running around school. so i forget and i get overwhelmed and so i talk myself through the day :) hahahahhaah. but it is really good practice for times when i have a serious decision or dilemma, i am well practiced and talking my way through and coming up with a likeable decision.
so while self-talking i realized i was not doing the right thing. i can't self-talk (or have endless discussions in my mind) about trying to figure out this contentment thing.
i need my sword. my sword of truth.
it's like an AH HAH moment.
yo dork - you've gotta sword from the Lord (that rhymes).....now use it!

so this sword thing........its the sword of the spirit.......and i was taught that it is basically referring to the whole bible, the word of God......... so SEARCH it. and figure out this crazy contentment thing. and quit wasting time with this nonsense battle in your mind!

well now........what do we have here?!?!? quite the sharp sword(s) ey?!?!? now i've got 3 swords to stab this contentment battle. i'm like a warrior now or something. baaahahaha.

James 1:12

Blessed is the man who endures temptation (IN MY CASE not being content); for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him

1 John 2:15-17

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love to the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world-the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life-is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.

Philippians 4:11-13

I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

now to adlib alittle to jordan sparks' song battlefield..........

Why does LIFE and CONTENTMENT always feel like a battlefield???? a battlefield??? a battlefield?????

I guess you better go and get your armor (get your armor), get your armor (get your armor)

(i LOVEEEEE that song)

(and its number 5 on my playlist if you wanna hear it)

and now for some justification for my crazy CRAZY mind....that is always thinking.....and analyzing.....and wondering........and confused with my whole contentment issue...... READ the quote below! i guess i'm meant for heaven.......and so are YOU :)

"if we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were meant for another another world" - C.S. Lewis

i know she's a keeper when.....

.....she knows my garage code.
.....therefore got into my house while i was in night class.
.....and brought me a plate of cupcakes.

by wednesday night im always more exhausted then i can handle....i have monday night class, tuesday bible study, wednesday night class........so my days are long leaving by 7ish and not coming home until after 9........ick ick ick. only 5 more weeks of my semester!!! totally a fist pump worthy fact.

but i was totally revvvved up tonight when i turned on my kitchen light to find these babies :) yummidy yum yum.

colette is the best. and i love her :) and my cupcake was really good. and it will be hard for me to save the rest for mr. leif. and i might eat them all before friday. and you should all make cupcakes for your friend and then suprise them with sneaking into their house and placing them in their kitchen. seriously. its totally a smile provoker and a heart warmer :)